Day 272: Sperm whales make great seamen.

I AM THE WARRIOR!!!

Happy Friday!  It’s a beautiful Movember day today, so make sure you get outside and plant a tree or something along those lines.  If you recall one of my blog posts from last week, I told you guys about how I received an inappropriate  voicemail from a “message relay” service and how the unknown individual who sent the message wanted me to “put sex on their face.”  Well wouldn’t you know it, the “inappropriate prankster” as I will refer to them from now on, struck again yesterday afternoon.  Now ever since my blog post last week, I have received a few calls from the inappropriate prankster, however they have been progressively getting more and more vulgar.  Like the message yesterday, parts of it were so sexual in nature and so NC-17 that the operator had to spell certain things out because he didn’t know what they were.  As he was leaving the voicemail he was like “…..and then I want you to take your s-m-e-g-m-a and smear it on my face…” and I could not believe what I was hearing.  But God bless those operators.  They are the most professional human beings I have ever met in my entire life!  I mean I have had like 5 different ones call and leave an inappropriate and disugsting message on my phone the last several days, and every single one was as poised and collected as a brain surgeon.  I salute you inappropriate prankster message relay operator!

"....and last but not least, I want you to put sex on my face. End of message, have a nice day!" - inappropriate prankster message relay operator

In other news, it looks like I should have a large sum of money headed my way after I sue this guy and his dog for stealing the routine that my best friend Lyla and I have been working on for a long time.  Originality just doesn’t exist in today’s society anymore.  I swear her and I practice this routine every morning for at least 45 minutes.

And lastly, I would like to extend a big “go fist yourself” to the people at Facebook.  I am not a big fan of their newest application, or my mom, as people around here refer to her.  Now instead of going onto Facebook to not care what everyone else is doing, I can just wait for my mom to get home from work and tell me all about it!  It is not clear whether or not this application will be available for the iphone, but stay tuned.  Thank you for getting her addicted Facebook, and go fist yourself!  You guys can help pay for the intervention that I am planning, and just in time for the holidays HOORAY!!! My favorite was last weekend when my mom asked me what I did the night before, so I told her.  Then she was like “I already knew, someone talked about it on Facebook.”  Are you kidding me, then why did you ask?!?!  Whatever, “like time through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives.”

Alright I’m done for the week.  Everyone have a good weekend, and think about this haiku I am about to drop on all of you…

Mom is addicted.
Inappropriate prankster,
Has struck once again.

One Love!

SELAH

Day 271: Would you rather sweat cheese or cry glue? Personally….I’d like to sweat cheese!

WHEN I SAY “EMPLOYEE”, YOU SAY “OF THE MONTH!”  EMPLOYEE…………………….EMPLOYEE……………………..EMPLOYEE!!!  Haha I just pictured everyone doing it at their respective computer screens.  What’s going on?  Hope all is well.  I am almost positive it’s Thursday which is cool.  Darren Hass, myself, and the rest of Pin pin ain’t easy look to avenge last weeks lost.  DH is gonna be fired up, and I can’t wait!

Anyway, yesterday I went for a run in the park which I like to do every couple of days.  It’s Movember now so the weather has gotten a lot colder, so yesterday I decided to wear a hoodie when I ran.  It was a great run.  I felt really good and was running fast.  It wasn’t until I got home that I realized how much of a creeper I looked like with my hoodie on and my “face garden” aka mustache growing.  Actually…I believe it’s a felony to run through a park in a black hoodie with a mustache.  Here is a picture of what I looked like…..

Now I know why everyone was staring at me weird while I was running.  How awesome are these police sketch drawings though?  That has got to be a great job, but it really makes you wonder how accurate these artists are.  I have seen some great ones in my day too.  One of my favorites is this one….

Hahahaha!!!  The reporter looks just like the guy in the sketch!  Hahahahaha!  I am sure a lot of times the artists don’t really have a lot to go on.  Like with this picture….

According to education portal.com, a sketch artists yearly salary is $43,350.  That’s not bad for a person who just draws ski masks on all of their heads.  Hell I could do that!  I swear to God I could do that exact drawing!  You know Pacman was a HUGE game back in the 80’s.  But like everything else from the 80’s, it has kind of fallen off into oblivion.  I mean, I know Pacman is a big name still, and Ms. Pacman is doing alright for herself.  But what about the ghosts Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde? What happened when their stardom wore off?  Well it appears Clyde went off the deep end…..

Seriously Clyde? You tried to rob a post office? You need Jesus man!

My personal all time favorite sketch wasn’t done by a police sketch artist, but rather an “amateur” in Alabama.  And it wasn’t of a person…no…it was of a leprechaun.

If you don’t recognize where the picture comes from, I suggest you watch this video to clear things up.

“IT COULD BE A CRACK HEAD” may go down as one of the most inspirational quotes of all time.  You know why?  Because that lady is right…..it could be a crackhead. It could be all of our fears and emotions materialized into something real.  I’m just kidding, that video and sketch is ridiculous.  Unfortunately now, police departments are starting to turn more to computer animation and 3d modeling over sketch artist…which means that our dreams must be haunted forever now.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Well there is another donation into the nightmare bank.

A buddy of mine recently purchased some “Just For Men” mustache and beard coloring for his halloween costume and he said it works awesome.  I am definitely going to try it out here in the next few days.  I don’t know what color to get though.  I want to get a darker brownish color….but at the same time I also kind of want to get a blonde color.  I don’t know what to do.

"Your stache is trash" - Emmitt Smith

Alright, I’m leaving.  Have a good one!  One Love!

SELAH

Day 270: “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

Hi.  You know it is only November 4th, but I already have a striking resemblance to Nacho Libre as far as the mustache growing is concerned…..good or bad?  You bet!

I’d just like to say that I feel like this is one of the most underrated movies of all time, but I feel like I am in the extreme minority on this one.  It is just something about the way Jack Black acts in the movie that makes me laugh so hard everytime I see it.  “GET THAT CORN OUTTA MY FACE!!!”

Anyway, we are over a week into the NBA season, and I don’t feel like I have really talked about the Cleveland Cavaliers that much.  Go figure, they are the best team in Cleveland, and the only team with any sliver of hope of doing anything in the very near future.  But last night I watched them play the Washington Wizards and it was a pretty good game considering the Cavs came back from almost a 20 point deficit to go on and win convincingly.  I made a few observations that I’d like to share with everyone.

#1.  Mike Miller of the Washington Wizards looks just like Taylor Swift.

Can you spot the professional basketball player in this picture? Because I can't!

#2.  Shaq is awesome!

Shaq-Fu

I know he is on the backside of his career, but either way he is a major force to be dealt with inside.  Last night he played really well, but one of the stats you don’t see in the paper is how he got all of Washington’s big men in foul trouble which helps out a lot against a team like Washington, considering Brendan Haywood usually gives us a hard time.  He also decapitated Deshawn Stevenson and his stupid tattoos on one play which was awesome.  The NBA referees are the worst in any professional sport if you ask me, and they don’t really call the game fair.  Take for instance, last night, this was called a foul on Shaq…..

Owned

….yet I have to watch him get hacked and shoved every time he touches the ball with no whistle.  I understand that the NBA probably tries to keep things balanced (which is totally wrong) but I hate having to hear about all of the scrutiny major league baseball umpires have been under lately when I can watch any single NBA game and see the absolutely horrific job they do.  Oh well….seeing Deshawn Stevenson get tossed when he came down the lane made my night.  He can go fist himself.

#3.  Daniel Gibson can be a great shooter as was apparent last night, but if I see him miss another technical foul free throw, I am going to shave a giant weiner in the side of his head.  He doesn’t need to shoot those because he is a 3 point shooter!

"Ok Boobie you are almost done....just let me touch up the pubes I put on the testicles..."

#4.  This Cavs team is starting to remind me of the Indians teams from the 90’s.  Both were very strong teams who haven’t been able to win a championship yet.  Both teams signed some big time free agents to win the big one.  The Indians were outmatched pitching wise against the Braves in 1995, just like the Cavs were completely overwhelmed with the Spurs in 2007.  Mike Hargrove and Mike Brown are practically the same person, and if it wasn’t for their skin color they would be one in the same.  1997 was heartbraking for Tribe fans, and the Cavs have yet to make it to a second finals appearance, but I could totally picture the Cavs tied up with the Lakers 101-101 in game 7 of the NBA finals with 3.8 seconds left.  The Lakers just get called for a defensive 3 seconds, and Boobie goes to the line to shoot the free throw and completely misses the hoop.  Kobe steals the inbounds pass, and launches up and drills a half court shot to crush the team and the city’s soul.  Boobie could be our next Jose Mesa!  Oh man this is like that book turned movie The DaVinci Code…..the clues are everywhere!!!

#5.  Nobody knows what Lebron is going to do after this season, but I just have the feeling that he is gone.  He just seems like the kind of person who is always looking for more, which isn’t a bad thing, but sometimes that person who is always looking for more ends up realizing what they had was great.  Watching him laugh and clown around on the bench is fun, and I feel like he definitely does it to get attention, but I think he wants to go to a bigger market team so MORE people can watch him do that, which is stupid.  I think he needs to realize that he is with a team that will do whatever they can in their power to give him the best chance to win a title, and that is really good!  But I don’t know if he realizes how special his situation with Cleveland is.  I guess time will tell though.  This Friday the Cavs are in New York which always makes me wanna puke.  I can’t wait to see what kind of shoe Lebron unveils this time.  Maybe his new “Rat Shoe” for all of the cat sized rodents they have in the city!  How I don’t have a job at Nike is beyond me.

They only made 10,000 pairs, so they cost $250 bucks.

Then after the game he and Jay-Z can get to second base with each other on the court like they always do, and then they can go rap about hot dog vendors or something.  THAT Lebron James pisses me off.

Alright well I gotta get going.  I hope you all have a good day.  It’s haiku time.

Shaq gets screwed a lot,
Mike Miller is Taylor Swift?
Rat shoes are SO cool!

I’m out, One Love!

SELAH

Day 269: Tuesdays with Tuley: ELECTION DAY SPECIAL

For you readers in areas such as Texas, Guam, and Purgatory, forgive me for a few moments while I talk some Cleveland Browns football. As many of my fellow Browns fans may have heard, owner Randy Lerner met with two fans this morning in a closed door, two hour meeting. I was both who attended. Here’s some transcript from our meeting that took place at the Browns Training Complex in my hometown of Berea, Ohio:

Mr. Lerner: Hi Tuley, Thanks for meeting with me.

Me: Listen Rand, I’m not here to play Tummysticks, keep that door open.

Lerner: So listen, I understand you, along with the rest of the fan base is very upset. I want to win too, so please, tell me your main concerns.

Tuley: Listen man, I think Rob Ryan is on some sort of drug that combines speed, cocaine, caffeine, and steroids. Do you see him on Sunday’s?? That guy is going to effing kill somebody, man.

Lerner: hmmmm…….I…….George……..he……George Kukinis…….disappear……..Rob Ryan…..

Tuley: What?! What do you mean George Kukinis disappear? What did Rob Ryan kill George Kukinis??? Is that what happened to Kukinis, he was murdered by Rob Ryan?!

Lerner: No oblais anglais. Next Question.

((Rob Ryan walks in))

Well the interview did not last two hours as you can see. Rob Ryan walked in and I got the hell out of there. But, as official as “based” on a true story is, I am here to report, on the Employee of the Month blog, that George Kukinis has been removed as GM of the Browns because Bob Ryan homicided him. You heard it here first. (You know, homicide and suicide sound the same and revolve around similar meanings, but where does the word spermicide come from? Even pesticide has to do with killing! Is spermicide the murder of sperm?? So wait, using a condom with spermicide is not safe at all then?)

Spermicide is the leading killer of sperm in this country. It is sad but true, and I say we dedicate December to spermicide awareness month!

On another subject, it’s the first Tuesday in November and you know what that means: Democracy at it’s finest! Today is election day across our fine nation and I am stoked!

Issue 3 has pretty much taken the cake as this year’s big topic. Casino’s in Ohio? We’ll see. I’m more focused on the other issues though, the ones that have so much underlying importance and will pretty much shape the future of my children. B-MOC has allowed me to use the blog as a platform for an “Official” Voting Poll. I will raise the issues at hand, compute the results using my calculator and fingers, and then report them back to the U.S Department of Democracy. This ballot if legit and means you do not have to go out and vote at the so-called “official” polling places.

Let’s start with Issue 96. Issue 96 states that, “If passed, pedestrians will no longer have the Right of Way when crossing the street. If a moving vehicle (i.e. cement truck) hits a pedestrian during or outside of normal business hours, the pedestrian will be at fault. Pedestrians will then be responsible for any damages caused to the vehicles that they walk into.”

Issue 41. Issue 41 states that bikers who dress like Lance Armstrong and ride their bike-cycles in the middle of the road, next to a bike path rather than on it, will be subject to drivers jamming 2×4’s in their spokes as they drive by. As the Lance Armstrong catipults from the bike-cycle, the driver will then have authority to hit them while they fly through the air. However, the Lance is only a viable target to be hit while in the air. Once the Lance hit’s the ground the driver must avoid contact with him. The bike-cycle however, would then be at risk to be reversed up on to.

Should this be legal?

Issue 854 (you better set aside like 9 hours to vote today). Issue 854 says that if passed, customers at bars and restaurants will not be allowed to use Vinegar on their french fries and/or other food items. Similar to the smoking ban, using vinegar in public is known to have negative effects on other people around the user.

Issue 77. Issue 77 says that women shall no longer be allowed to vote.

Issue 101. This issue states that the next time The Big Ginger drops an amount of cash money at Christie’s Cabaret that is equal or greater to the average monthly payment on a $300,000 mortgage, that the skank stipper(s) who benefit from the Big Ginger’s generosity must spend all of the next day with him, making sandwiches, cleaning, and doing laundry for friends of the Big Ginger as they watch college football.

Issue 52. Issue 52 says that arson to vegetarians will no longer be allowed. In 1967, law went into effect stating that arson to businesses, homes, forrests, tents, etc would not be tolerated but setting fire to a vegetarian would be fine. Issue 52 would stop arson to vegetarians.

"AHHHHHHHH I'LL EAT MEAT I SWEAR!!!!"

Issue 211. Issue 211 proposes that all Pizza Delivery People will be required to wear Electric Shock Collars. If a customer orders a pizza and the pizza is not delivered within 30 minutes the customer can dial a code into their telephone which will send……..i don’t know, like 800,000 volts…..of electricity into the delivery guy’s neck collar. The delivery driver would still be expected to make it to his or her destination safely. If upon receiving the shock, they swerve and hit another car, they will be at fault. If they hit a pedestrian though, and Issue 96 is in effect, well then the pedestrian would be at fault, of course.

The PDMCOO (or Pizza Delivery Man Coalition of Ohio) says, "'Vote NO on issue 211!"

Issue 92 states that all u.s. americans that do not have health insurance but wish to have it can buy if for $10 per month. Also, all unemployed people who wish to find a steady job will be offered one, as a doctor. Each new doctor, formerly unemployed, will serve up to 25 newly insured americans. This plan will create millions of new jobs and asure that everybody has health insurance. There is an App that you can get on your i-phone that sums up medical school in six minutes. The new doctors will be required to download that App on view the course.

"Download complete....anddd.....I'M A DOCTOR!"

Well, those are the important issues! Thanks for voting and remember, if you completed this ballot, it means that you do not have to go out and vote elsewhere! Have a great day and God Bless America!

Day 268: Sometimes there is more to life than just trying to survive it.

Hey hey hey!  I hope everyone had a good weekend and is having a good start to their week.  I also want to wish everyone a very happy MOVEMBER!!!

Movember is the month formerly known as November, and it is also prostate cancer awareness month.  Prostate cancer is to men as breast cancer is to women, but apparently it is worse because there is a lot that doctors and researchers still don’t know about it or how to treat it.  Well Movember is a way to raise awareness for prostate cancer by growing a mustache during the entire month.  This is my third year participating and it has quickly become one of my favorite times of year.  The rules are simple…the last day you can shave your “mo” is October 31st, then you grow it out the whole month, and can choose to shave it on December 1st.  Last year, I opted to continue growing it into December, but that is entirely your decision.  When my friend Dan from Ypsilanti (he runs the Cleveland Sports Animal blog you see linked on the right side of this page) isn’t running a shady fantasy football league, he also likes to take part in Movember.  This year, I kind of got a head start because I haven’t shaved for the last several days, but I feel like this year will be my best Movember to date because I had that whole homeless bum look going on over the summer and I feel like my face has been in training for a little while.

It's like I have been training for the facial hair Olympics.

The best was at my old job I would take part in Movember and like 3 weeks into it, I got some really interesting looks from my mostly female co-workers.  Mustaches aren’t as culturally accepted as they were several decades ago, which I think is wrong.  That’s why I want to talk to you all about mustachism….the hateful treatment of mustaches.  I’m kidding, that doesn’t exist.  Anyway, I encourage both men and women everywhere to take part in this years Movember.  In case you can’t decide on what kind of mo you want to grow, I have provided you with a mustache diagram.

I think I'm gonna go for the horseshoe this year.

As you all know Halloween was over the weekend, and as all of you also know, Chipotle is the greatest fast food place in the world.  Well every Halloween, they run a promotion where if you dress up as a burrito, you get a free burrito.  I believe they call it “boo-rito” or something like that.

Well my friend Harrell and I decided to take part in this burrito give away……..FOUR TIMES!  You see, all you had to do was have foil somewhere on your body, and you could get any kind of burrito you wanted.  So as we were sitting and eating our first burrito, Harrell in his foil yamaka, and I in my foil viking helmet, we decided that we needed more and we came up with an efficient plan of action that would take us to 3 more Chipotles in less than an hour.  It was really quite a lot of fun!  We kind of teamed up with some other people along the way who had the same idea we did, and it was like we were traveling in foil herds from glorious Chipotle to glorious Chipotle.  I only ate one, but I have the others strategically hidden throughout my house like my house is going to get raided for burritos and I don’t want to get busted.  I am actually eating one as I am typing this and I have never been happier.  One thing I noticed while I was on my Chipotle free burrito adventure is that Emo kids LOVE Chipotle.  They were at every restaurant sulking about getting a free burrito and it was funny and infuriating at the same time.  Those Emo kids are pretty silly if you ask me, but there is something about watching one get depressed about what toppings to get on their burrito that really pisses me off.  Like, one of the Chipotle workers would be like “Hey what kind of salsa would you like?” and the Emo kid would be like “I don’t feel like I even deserve salsa and no one even cares about it….” and I just wanted to drop kick him in the face.  They were all like “I want black beans on my burrito because black is the color of my heart and all of my emotions,” and again I wanted to stick their face in that burrito steam press thing they have at the front of the line.  Oh boy….I don’t know about those Emo kids….they can definitely go fist themselves, HARD!

"I wonder if these tortilla chips are sturdy enough so I can cut myself?" Go fist yourself Emo kid!

Alright folks, that’s all for today!  I leave you with a haiku…

Start your mo’s fellas!
Chipotle hates Emo kids.
Hidden burritos!

One Love!

SELAH

Day 265: “You can’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his bowling shoes….”

A bowling poem….

The bowling league started on a Thursday night,
B-MOC, Harrell, and T Anz on a team, OH what a site.
Pin pin ain’t easy was the team name we chose.
We unpacked our balls, wrist guards, and shoes.
We found Mike the league manager and said “sorry we’re late”,
He looked at us, smiled, and said “You’re on lanes seven and eight!”

Two men from our team were out for this week,
“Hello my name is Darren Hass!” we heard a man speak.
We turned and found one eager replacement bowler
As he pulled his bag on wheels like he was pulling a stroller.
Darren was built like a house, short and stocky in stature.
He had a brace on his knee from his previous knee fracture.
That didn’t stop him from throwing the ball like a rocket,
I swear it was fifty miles per hour….right in the pocket.
The team we were playing was currently in fourth place,
They were still big D-bag’s who needed a slap in the face.
Darren Hass was not impressed with the way this team acted,
He pulled us aside and said “LETS GET TOUGH ACTIN TINACTIN!”

The first game started, our nerves at an all time high,
T Anz led us off, bowled an eight, and left the one and five.
B-MOC was next up, and of course knocked all ten pins down,
“They call that a strike right?” he said with a smile joking around.
Darren Hass was up next and threw so hard she shattered three pins.
“B-MOC COME HERE!” he screamed “PLEASE KICK ME IN MY SHINS!”
Harrell was up next, his game was all about finess.
A perfect ball he threw, like dropping an egg in a nest.
We kept up this pace and dominated the first game.
Our opponents were salty and muttered “that’s pretty lame.”
The bar maid came down for beer orders before the second match,
“We’re all set sweetheart,” Harrell said as he slapped her on the ass.
The next game my team started strong once again,
We had a 40 pin lead going into frame ten.
B-MOC struck out for a total of 213,
Darren Hass led the way in the total of screams.

We entered the third game up two games to none.
Harrell was half in the bag, but we were all having fun.
Pin pin ain’t easy took it easy with our comfortable lead,
Darren Hass was headbaning the wall making himself bleed.
The D-bags were still whining about how they were getting screwed,
T Anz went all Stephanie Tanner on them and said “How rude!”

The wrist pain started to set in half way through this third match,
Our opponents stepped over the line “MARK IT ZERO…THAT’S A SCRATCH!”
I was getting a kick out of listening to Darren’s pyschobabble,
Next thing I knew, I had just thrown a “sour apple”.
Apparently they are rare and quite a bowling league site,
The thug bowling team came over on their blue tooths and said “DAWG DAT AIN’T RIGHT!”

Needless to say at this time I was quite embarrassed,
Apparently that pin set up is one of the rarest.
Well the D-bags ended up taking game three.
They jumped and hollared and yelled “YIPPEE!!!”
Pin pin ain’t easy acts like they’ve been there before,
Except for Darren Hass who yelled “YOU’RE MOTHERS A WHORE!”
All in all it was an excellent first week of the league,
One week down, 32 more to go?!?!  Are you kidding me?!?!
Our team is definitely a force that will need to be reckoned with,
We have poise, heart, determination, and show a lot of grit.
Winning a league championship may very well be this teams fate,
And last night that journey started………on lanes seven and eight.

RACK IT!!!  I’M OUT!!! EVERYONE HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!  ONE LOVE!!!

SELAH

Day 264: “I have a girlfriend that looks a little bit like you…and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter.”

Holla!!!  It’s good to be alive, and it’s a gorgeous fall day today!  I just got back from walking my dog and looking for Jesus.  I got an interesting phone call yesterday afternoon.  It was from the number 1-866-394-4493.  Well thank God for Google in todays day and age, because I simply typed in the number, and found out who was trying to call me. Apparently, it is some sort of “relay” service that can be used by deaf people, or people who aren’t near a phone but are near a computer. I don’t usually answer the phone if I don’t recognize the number, so I let it go to my voicemail.  Well it did, however while I was checking my voice mail, I received 3 more calls from the same number in a matter of 5 minutes!!!  So here I am, thinking that someone might want to offer me a job!  I grab a pen and paper and check my voicemail.  The person starts out by identifying themselves as an operator and gives me their operator number, but no name.  Then the guy says that he has a message that needs to be relayed to me.  At this point I am thinking…”Is this real or what?”  Well he goes on and relays the message which read “Hey hey baby…I hope you return one of my call so you can sex my face B-MOC.”

Then the guy hangs up and doesn’t say who sent the message.  I quickly hit the replay button on my phone to make sure I didn’t miss a job offer or something.  But as sure as I am typing this post right now, that is the exact, word for word message I received.  Now I knew that deaf people could be kinky, but I have no idea who sent me that message.  Which is why I am offering a reward to the first person who either comes forward and claims responsibility, or who can give me some information on who did this.  The reward will be your choice of one of my dumb cats, Mittens or AJ.  I mean…I am always down for a good face sexing, but I am pretty sure it is illegal to do to a hearing challenged individual.

This shirt says, "Hey hey baby, I hope you return one of my calls so you can sex my face B-MOC."

I was laying in bed last night, watching a little tv as I usually do before night-night, and I stumbled upon one of my favorite comedies, Walk Hard: The Legend of Dewey Cox.  I love the movie because I am a huge fan of Jon C. Reily, there are a ton of really great cameos in the movie, and the humor is pretty ridiculous at times.  There was one weird part about watching it last night though.  It may have been because the movie was on Starz in Black, which according to the Starz website, “features black and african american movies, and provides movies that connect with todays black audience.” I found it strange that this movie was on Starz in Black since there are approximately 2 african american gentleman in the entire movie.  I don’t really know what the criteria of a movie must be to get a movie played on Starz in Black…but I can’t wait to watch “The Last Black Man on Earth” starring Tom Hanks (via Chappelle Show).  But I guess it’s true what they say…professional dancers don’t go out dancing.

Here is a picture of one of the two african americans in the movie. Starz in Black approved!

Before I end todays post, I wanted to touch on a story I have been reading about all week, and that is the one about how former NBA player Antoine Walker is now bankrupt and facing felony check fraud charges in Las Vegas after he made over $110 million dollars in his career (before taxes!!!). This story kind of bothers me for several reasons.  First off, who in the hell would have paid Antoine Walker that much money in his career.  Don’t get me wrong, but he was a mediocre player making superstar dollars.  That would be like the Cavs giving Anderson Varejao Lebron James money.  Second off, this is a very sad story, but I cannot feel sorry for a person who has already blown all of his money, especially $110 million (before taxes!!!).  I have read things like he had an entourage of over 70 people (Vinny Chase is not impressed), would play $15,000 hands of Black Jack in Vegas (Michael Jordan is not impressed), and one year spent like $10 million dollars on watches alone.  TEN MILLION DOLLARS ON WATCHES!!!  Were they digital or the kind of watches with the hands?  I hope they were digital, because I don’t know many people who can read a watch or a clock with the hands on it!  I digress…..but like I was saying, I cannot and will not feel sad for Mr. Walker.  Would you feel sad for someone who took all of their money and burned it?  No?  Ok good, because that is exactly what he did.  The worst part of this is that he will get bailed out by somebody.  TNT or ESPN will eventually bring him on as an NBA analyst who can stumble over his words and predict the Lakers or Celtics to win every year.  Or he will right a book about his life and how hard it has been going to Vegas every weekend with 70 of his “closest friends”.  We will see Antoine Walker again, and when I do I am going to be pissed off.  I am not gonna lie, and that may sound conceded, but I am serious.  I don’t appreciate people who take advantage of anything, and that is exactly what a lot of professional athletes do today.  If I ever had $110 million dollars, I would still live with my parents in my Berenstein Bears room, I would buy a video camera, get in the car that I own now, and drive cross country and document my entire trip, and then I when I got home, I would look like a bum with my beard, long hair, and numerous tattoos I got during my trip, and I would make a video documentary and put it on YouTube for everyone to see!  I would take my time too, it would be like 6 months before anyone heard from me.  I swear to God if I ever had that much money, I would sit on it.  I would live a very good life and no doubtedly buy some cool stuff like moon shoes and a quesadilla maker.  But there have been too many horror stories about people winning $200 million dollars and losing it all after they turned their house into a castle and tried to buy the planet Neptune.  Not me….no way, no how.

It has also been reported that Antoine Walker paid an instructor $100,000 dollars a day to learn how to walk like a tyranosauraus rex. I can kind of see why he would want to do that one though...I mean it's like the gift that keeps on giving.

Alright chums, that’s all for today.  Tonight the bowling league starts and the team “Pin pin ain’t easy” hits the lanes to throw some rocks as they say.  Apparently we can win a lot of money in this league which I like the sound of.  I am going to write an epic poen about our first night bowling for the blog post tomorrow.  Stay tuned, and I will talk to you later!  One Love!

SELAH

Day 263: “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so……..yeah”.

HELLO HELLO HELLO!!!  How is everyone?!?!  It’s been a while huh?!?!?  I can explain…you see the Employee of the Month blog crew was on a special assignment this past weekend as we all headed out to cover the horrific Cleveland Browns.  Once we located all of our team members, we headed home yesterday.  In case you didn’t watch the Browns, let me summarize the game for you.  Derek Anderson is rumored to be replaced by a shaved monkey who plays while walking on his hands.  They lost 31-3.  But I am not going to let the Browns performance take away from my holiday spirit.  That’s right, Halloween is right around the corner, and today I wanted to preview a few of the “hot” costumes that you may see this year.

I was always told that as long as I dressed up in a costume, I should get candy.  Well that hasn’t worked for the past 8 years, but either way, I still enjoy coming up with creative costume ideas every year.  A lot of people like to dress up like celebrities in the news, and this year will most likely be no different.  I heard some popular celebrity costumes this year include Michael Jackson….

also Patrick Swayze…..

and my personal favorite, Billy Mays…….

I think the problem with those costumes is that there will just be too many people dressed up as these celebrities.  I prefer to have a costume that is original and more creative.  A lot of people like to dress up as their favorite sports figures.  For instance, I was strongly considering dressing up as my favorite sports caster of all time.  It’s no other than Cleveland Cavaliers play by play man, AND Mount Union Football broadcaster, Joe Tait.  Mr. Tait’s costume would be a piece of cake, as all you would need to do is find that sweater that he wears EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

The problem with a costume like that however, is that if you go to a Halloween party in another part of the country, you may not get recognized.  To solve that problem, you could do what I did last year, and dress up as the lead singer of the Counting Crows….

Who do you know out there who doesn’t love the songs “Mr. Jones” and “The Rain King”???  It’s an easy question, and the answer is ZERO!  Plus, if you tweak the costume a little bit, you can go as Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons.  A lot of people have limited resources, so a better costume route for them might be just to buy a t-shirt and rock that all night long.  A couple of my favorite t-shirt/costume ideas for 2009 include this shirt made popular by the movie The Hangover…

"Is the hotel pager friendly?"

And my next favorite, is a jersey from the greatest baseball player of all time….Kenny F-ing Powers….

"Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism." - Kenny Powers

For the ladies out there you could probably be safe and purchase any costume from this site. I mentioned it last week, but females will turn any costume trashy, and it’s awesome.  If you want to be a bit more conservative, you could always go as the Octomom…

Or you could dress up in that kick ass Ernie costume like the guy in the back.  Like I mentioned earlier, I am all about the creativity, which is why this year I have decided to dress up as the human version of the game Pong.  It’s easy and a lot of fun.

"BOOP.........BOOP...BOOP...........BOOP.......BOOP....BOOP....BOOP"

Well that’s all I got for this year Halloween costume preview.  Please feel free to leave a comment with any costume ideas you like, or would like for me to post on the blog before Halloween.  I leave you with a haiku…

Joe Tait’s sweater BOO!!!
Human pong game boop boop boop,
Skanky costumes rule.

One Love!

SELAH

Day 258: ALL THE WAYYYY, TURNT UP!!!!

How goes it?  Happy Friday.  This morning I had to go back to my old high school to pick up my transcripts.  It was pretty neat going back during school hours.  That may have been the first time since I have graduated that I have been there during a school day.  I got to see my old locker, all of my old classrooms, the old bitchy ladies that work in the office, and monkey island!  It was like I never left.

Some things never change!

I was walking to the guidance office when two teachers I don’t remember were like, “Hey!  There’s B-MOC”, and I was like “Heeeeyyyyyyyyy guyyss” and just kept walking.  It was probably the most awkward situation I had this week.  I must admit I am really bad at remembering names…..really bad!  So whenever I find myself in these situations my fight or flight instinct takes over, and I run away every time!  But in my defense….I don’t understand how some people can remember everybody!  I know for a fact that I never had either of the teachers that said hi to me, so how the hell do they know who I am?  I mean I know my blog is #1 in the world, but that doesn’t mean I am best friends with everyone who reads it.  Oh well, it’s not a big deal, I just kind of felt like an ass.  My sister is currently attending that same high school…I was kind of hoping I would see her so I could embarass her.  I actually pulled a Quail Man and wore my underwear on the outside of my pants just in case I saw her.  No luck though.

Quail Man!

I just realized…..how awesome of a Halloween costume that would be!!!  Tuley and I have been discussing a Halloween costume preview blog sometime next week, so if any of you have any suggestions, please feel free to contact the blog with them and we can discuss them next week.  Quail Man would be a great costume idea, however it appears like several people have already beat me to the punch.

Touche good sir! Touche! Of course it wouldn't be a proper Halloween costume without the girl dressed all skanky in the background.

Skanky girls and Halloween go together like sex and jelly.  Halloween is that one night of the year where every woman’s inner trashiness comes out, and IT’S AWESOME!!!  I don’t want to get into this too much right now, but Whore-o-ween is right around the corner, and this year doesn’t look like it will disappoint.

Before I leave you today, I want to give a shout out to the guy who jumped into the fountain in center field of last nights Yankees/Angels game.  A friend of mine and I headed to a local watering hole to watch the game last night, and after the game had been on for a while, I turned away for a second, looked back up, and wouldn’t you know it that a fan was jumping into the outfield fountain.

Good for you man, good for you!

My friend and I started talking about how if we found out we had one week to live, that is something that we would definitely do before we died.  Especially at that stadium too.  I mean, the outfield looks like a ride at Disney World.  I actually think the guy above found a man made waterslide and slid into the fountain.  Good job guy, the EOTM blog salutes you!

Well that’s all for the week.  Everyone have a good weekend, and I will see you next week!  I leave you with a haiku.

All the way turnt up,
Halloween gets the ho’s up
Quail Man is the man!

One Love!

SELAH

Day 257: Sometimes I black out in my thugery…..

Hey I’m back and I have had a long day.  So here is what happened.  Yesterday afternoon I got a call from a Sergeant at one of the local police departments I applied with all the way back in May.  He wanted me to come in for a meeting today at 11.  So today I woke up and got ready and headed in to the justice center of this particular city and met with this guy.  He basically told me that I am going through the background check process of the hiring now which is a good sign.  Apparently this city is looking to hire 4 police officers by the end of the year, which surprisingly is only two months away.  I am about 12th or 13th on a list of potential candidates, and I was told that I should hear more in about a month or so.

All of this was very good news, but I am very frustrated because I have to turn in paperwork and copies of transcripts/birth certificates/identification/etc. which I already did back when I applied to take the civil service test back in May.  I swear to God, I literally did all of this 5 months ago, and now I have to do it all again, including fill out the 40 page personal history questionnaire.  I am not upset or anything, but driving back home from the meeting today I was just wondering to myself how this whole process works.  I mean, literally 5 months ago I had to get all of the same certified copies, and notorized paperwork signed, and have transcripts forwarded to the proper personnel, and now I have to do it all over again?!?!?!  In May, I watched the Secretary of the Civil Service Commission sign off on all of this paperwork that I spent days accumulating.  She gave her stamp of approval that everything I was required to bring back was legitimate and authentic.  But now that is all getting tossed to the way side, so needless to say I spent the rest of the afternoon having to go back and get the ball rolling on all of this stuff again.  Like I said, things are actually looking really good for me in the near future, I just had a long day and am frustrated.  One of these times, I am going to get a call from a detective or lieutenant or sergeant and just be like “Hey man…..all I really want is to get paid to carry a gun so if we can somehow arrange that, that would be great.”  Haha, I keed, I keed.  I have a feeling that this will all pay off soon…hopefully in the next several weeks.

In other news, I found out that I am going to be a father.  That’s right, a father of approximately 400 baby praying manti (mantises?). I didn’t really want to bring up the fact that I have been taking care of a praying mantis since Labor Day weekend because I thought it was illegal.  But apparently it isn’t illegal to keep a praying mantis as long as you name it and feed it and stuff.  I named my Sven, but after watching it crap out a giant egg sack for about 4 hours yesterday, it appears that Sven is actually a Svendolyn.  Oh snap!  I just realized I could name her Svenith Paltrow!  Like the actress!  HAHAHAHAHA!

I had to watch THIS for 4 hours yesterday. I guess that's what they call an unemployed man's entertainment.

Needless to say I started freaking out because I didn’t know what was going on.  So I did what any concerned parent to be would do, and I went to Google.  I found out that this is the ideal time of year that praying manti (mantises again?) lay eggs, and that it is possible that they may not hatch until the spring time.  “That is ok” I thought to myself…..until I watched a video of one of these egg sacks hatching on YouTube, and I realized that I am going to have about 1000 little praying mantis bastards on my hands very shortly.

Please note, I did not add the Beatles song to the above video.  I will add this though….

BLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

It’s gonna be gross when those things hatch, but you better believe I will blog about it immediately.  In fact, I may do my first ever live blog with a video feed on that special day.  I was researching online, and I guess I can sell the eggs.  People who have organic gardens who don’t like to use pesticides will use praying manti (mantises?) to eat the bugs in their garden.  I’m thinking this could be my big $$$ maker.  I am not an expert but I think 1 large should be a good asking price.  For all of you non-bloggers out there, that is $1,000.

Alright well that’s all for today.  Tomorrow is Friday so that is exciting.  I will see you all then.  A haiku….One Love!

Praying mantis eggs,
scrambled or sunny side up?
I’m a father, YAY!!!

SELAH