How about that Super Bowl eh? I wanted the Colts to win, but it was still a good game. If you haven’t been able to tell…I am not a Drew Brees fan although I think he is a good guy and a good player. My dislike of him stems from his time in college at Purdue. I thought he was overrated then but everyone loved him. He completed 32 passes which ties a Superbowl record…but he ATTEMPTED what seemed like only 3 passes over 10 yards. I mean he averaged 9 yards a completion, but that doesn’t account for the yards after catch that his receivers got him. I was getting sick and tired of watching him dump the ball of to his running backs in the flat, or throwing 3 yard stop routes the whole game. That kind of quarterbacking reminds me of that part in the movie “Black Sheep” where Chris Farley and David Spade are playing checkers, and Farley flips out on Spade after he wins his 3rd game in a row for, and he says “It’s kind of hard to lose when you…NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW!!!” That’s how Drew Brees played if you ask me. Needless to say, he won so kudos to him and the Saints. I also wish his son luck in his future career as a DJ.
I think his stage name should be DJ Face Mole Jr. I'm not kidding, I think that would be a phenomenal name for a disc jockey. That little guy is "all the way turned up".
In other news, I heard that Miley Cyrus’ 9 year old sister is coming out with her own lingerie line for little kids. I don’t even know how to respond to this news, other than that I am sure R. Kelly and Michael Jackson’s corpse are pumped! Honestly though….this is so disgusting and wrong on so many different levels I don’t understand how a 9 year old girl can even do something like that! I mean, she comes from such a solid family too…..
Nice hair....go fist your achy breaky self.
But then again…who am I to judge? That’s what the legal system is for! I mean, what’s the next step? Seriously! Where does a kid go from here? Fully nude kiddie strip clubs with complimentary milk and cookie buffets? Brothels that give discounts for good report cards? Massage parlors that have Sesame Street characters that give happy endings? This situation is completely out of line, and I pray to God that someone intervenes on this. Not only for the sake of our country and our futures, but also for Elmo’s sake.
"Have you ever sucked d!@# for crack?!?!" - Elmo
Alright that’s all I got for now. I leave you with a haiku and a poll question.
Brees loves the Kidz Bops. Elmo’s giving out “blowies”. Billy Ray’s a joke.
In honor of Black History month, I wanted to post a video from Cleveland’s own Bone Thugs-n-Harmony. A lot of you know that I am currently a member of the bowling team “Pin pin ain’t easy”. Well it wasn’t until after we came up with that name that I came up with the name “Bowl Thugs-n-Harmony” so just a heads up…..my 2011 bowling team name will be Bowl Thugs-n-Harmony, no question.
Well it’s the Friday before the Super Bowl, so I wanted to take some time to give my predictions for the big game on Sunday. I usually am pretty impartial to the big game because I think the match ups usually suck. I hate the Steelers so any time they go is a bust. Two years ago, everyone thought New England was going to blow out New York, but that actually turned out to be a fantastic game. What I’m trying to say is I usually don’t really care about who wins the game or who is even playing for that matter. But this year, I think the two best teams in football actually made it to week 19. Both teams have solid defenses and high powered offenses. I think the game will essentially come down to 4 factors. #1. Peyton Manning. #2. Drew Brees. #3. Peyton Manning’s horse face. And #4. Drew Brees’ face mole.
The real matchup of the Super Bowl? Horse face vs Face mole
I think everyone can agree that the two best quarterbacks in the league will be meeting each other on Sunday evening. But a lot of people don’t realize that Peyton’s horse face has been throwing off defensive secondaries all year long, and that Drew Brees face mole accounted for 20 of his 34 touchdowns and 2,000 of his over 4,000 passing yards. These four big time players really should be a joy to watch this weekend.
But let’s not forget the real X-factor of the big game….and that is Indianpolis Colts WR Pierre Garcon. Pierre was a teammate of mine in college, and I couldn’t be more excited for him this weekend. All joking aside, he was one of the coolest, nicest, and most respectful people I have ever met off the field, and an absolute monster on the field. I never thought I would actually ever know anyone who would play in the Super Bowl but here we are, two days before the game and he has been in the spotlight ever since the AFC Championship game. I’ve been trying feverishly to get Mr. Garcon to do a one on one interview with the EOTM blog for the last several weeks…but he is a busy guy. I wish Pierre and the Colts all the luck in the world, and if they do win, Pierre will officially have 35 lbs worth the championship rings and his fingers will fall off in 10 years.
I feel so bad for the white guy trying to cover Pierre in this picture. I don't know what that guy is doing for the Super Bowl....but I can guarantee you that he is not playing in it. My guess is he will be at this field still looking for his jock.
As I am typing this, Vegas has Indianapolis giving New Orleans 5 points, and the over/under is set at 57. The spread is a tough one to pick, and I have a theory that really high over/unders like the one for this game never hold up because of how big the stage is no matter how much fire power the offenses have. So I am going to take the Colts over the Saints, and take the under. My prediction, the Horse faced Colts 27, the Face mole Saints 21.
A few more things about this game. Am I just a moron, or is that “Who Dat?” chant that the Saints fans do not directly jocked off of the “Who Dey?” one that Cincinnati fans have?
Ahh that's what I thought. That's real original for both groups of fans. Some of my other favorite fan chants are "Who Dat Dhere?" by Ryan Tuley, and of course "Who Cares?" by yours truly.
And I can’t not mention the Super Bowl commercials. I won’t get into too much detail about those even though they are a highlight of every Super Bowl. I would however, like to share with you my favorite commercial from last year. Brought to you by my #1 beer delivery guy and best friend from Indians opening day….Wendell!
Well tomorrow is February 6th, which means it is the one year anniversary from when I was laid off from my job. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year! I can’t believe that for one year of my life I have not worked! From everything you hear on the news and read online, it doesn’t sound like the job market is getting any better at the moment, but I feel really good about getting something soon. Just when I start to feel down and out about something turning up, I get a little bit of hope which is all you really need I guess. I really appreciate having this blog so I can kind of ease some pressure on my brain and relieve some stress. I want to thank all of the people who check in with the blog, and I especially want to thank all of the tax payers of the state of Ohio for supporting my unemployment checks for the past year. Hahaha I keed, I keed! That’s bum speak.
My dude....Mr. Tom Smallwood, hahahaha I gotta stop! I salute you Tom! And your possible "specialness".
Alright well that’s all I got for today. I want to recommend to all of you Communist out there who won’t be watching the Super Bowl on Sunday to perhaps check out the new reality show, “Conviction Kitchen” which gives 24 ex-cons the chance to learn to become chefs and to win the chance to open their own restaurant. I have never personally watched the show but have seen commercials for it. My favorite was when one of the ex cons said “that guy is making me so mad, I want to go back there and murder him.” Haha that’s great television!
"Conviction Kitchen....cook good....or get shanked!"
Well that’s all for now. I’ll talk to you all next week! I leave you with a haiku and a poll question.
Yo, what’s going on? Today’s music is dedicated to the city of Vancouver who is hosting the winter Olympics beginning next week, and they still don’t have any snow. That might be a problem….
"New at the 2010 Winter Olympics.....MUDBOARDING!!!" - Bob Costas
I came across this question on the Interweb the other day and I wanted to throw it at you to see what your opinions were. Did you ever wonder what dancing looks like to a deaf person? I mean, they can’t hear the music, the beats, the rhythm….all they can comprehend is this….
This is a completely hypothetical situation for two reasons. #1. I’m a fantastic dancer, and #2. I’ve never danced in front of a deaf person. But I would imagine that if one were to dance in front of a deaf person, they would probably give you the same look your dog or cat does when you try asking them a question like “do you wanna go bye-byes in the car?” or “do you want a cookie?”
I want to extend a big “go fist yourself” to the guy who double parked in a handicapped spot at my bank this morning. I’ve witnessed people who have double parked before, and I believe that 50% of the time its an honest mistake. However, I have never witnessed a guy double park into a handicapped space, and do it long ways like this a-hole did. Yeah, I took a picture of it in hopes that the loser who drives this PT Cruiser reads the blog and will improve his driving skills ASAP.
Go Fist Yourself!
HAHA I didn’t notice this until just now looking at the picture, but I don’t know who is worse, the guy who double parked in the handicapped zone, or the guy who tried to park in the half spot behind that guy!
It's EOTM history...the first time a "double go fist yourself" has ever been awarded! We're covering all the holes here at the Employee of the Month Blog!
Hahaha, look at those two douches. Hands down….the two worst parking jobs I have ever witnessed in my life……”and I’ve seen a lot of bad jobs in my day!” says the woman of the nightZING!!! Haha. I wonder what kind of jobs those two have??? Better than mine that’s for sure!
So I felt like eating fresh today and decided to go to Subway to get a sandwich for lunch. I walked in and there was a pretty mild lunch time crowd. I stepped up to the plate and gave the sandwich artist my order. Then, for some unknown reason, I wondered to myself, “What if Jared Fogle had a sister who walked in here right now?” I asked, “What would she look like? What kind of sub would she order? Would I fall in love with her?” This made me wonder if Jared even had a sister….and what exactly she would look like?
Jaredina Fogle
I don’t know what made me think of that. Anywho, my sub was delicious. Alright, I’m gonna take off. I have some “stay at home unemployed ass” things to do. I’ll talk to you all tomorrow. A haiku…
Double parked douche bags Jaredina….I love you! “See ya later dudes”
Just like a tree I’m swaying in the wind. Watched LOST last night, said “what up” to Sun and Jin.
Gary Busey’s off his rocker Tuley’s sick, needs a histamine blocker. Bald eagles getting tired of not having any hair Bon Jovi just tells them, “keep living on a prayer.”
"Hang in there guys!" - Bon Jovi talking to a crowd of bald eagles.
Is it “take your unemployed child to work day” yet? Because I’m getting sick of playing bass clarinet. I’m thinking about getting a pet ferret And then naming him “Mr. Cockatoo Parrot”. This damn snow keeps falling on my dome, Can’t go outside, stay in, do yoga and go “OHHMMM”.
I can do this.
So thankful today that I don’t drive a Toyota But you know who does? Young actress Fanning, Dakota.
"I killed a guy by hitting him with my Toyota. Shhh! Don't tell anybody!" - Dakota Fanning
Tiger Woods is just like the potato chips Lays, he “can’t have just one”. But just like he, I also can’t resist the ladies who work at Cinnabon. Was pretty disappointed when I didn’t make the case of “The Jersey Shore”, But I thought to myself, “at least there’s the reserve officer training corps!” That reminds me, I gotta pick up some cool whip From my favorite grocer, Old Man Bip.
Bip
Trying to eat a diet that’s high in fiber. Terminator is married to Maria Shriver?!?!
"I'll be back......with the wedding rings!" Hahaha!
A lot of people don’t know my favorite show is “Roseanne”, And that my favorite film of all time is “Renaissance Man”. Both are hilarious, feel good entertainment. Laugh so hard, I can barely contain it.
There was a girl who wore white six days a week, Does anyone know the capital of Mozambique? Zydrunas Ilgauskas is no doubt a first ballot hall of famer, I cut off the tag on my mattress, despite the disclaimer. If you ask me, I’d say Betty Boop was a real whore. I heard she got it on with Porky Pig, you know…the boar? Off duty mimes never shut the hell up, But they are great cooks, amazing with measuring cups.
"Add 3 tablespoons of sugar to the tube steak recipe."
How do you end the greatest poem ever written? How did they end the battle of Britain? Mr. Hero is prepared fresh for you, The Native American’s did that with outrigger canoes.
I've been a sucriber to Canoe & Kayak quarterly for 15 years.
I feel like it’s time to bring my bottomless lyrics to a close, Plus I wanna try to fix this thing called a “radiator hose”? Check back in tomorrow for another post. I’m gonna go eat some lunch……leftover pot roast!!!
What is up?!?! I know what you’re thinking, “Hey where the f!@# is Tuley at? It’s f$%^&*@ Tuesday!!!” Well apparently Tuley is going through his second bout of swine flu and is taking a sick day today. Hope you feel better Tuley, and next week he can continue his “Greatest TV Theme Song Tournament”.
So I feel like my posts recently haven’t had as much “gusto” as some of my earlier posts. I want to apologize for that, but I have to be honest, my one year “anniversary” of being unemployed is coming up this Saturday, and it truly has been lingering in the back of my mind for a couple weeks now. I also feel like a giant ass because somewhere along the way, I screwed up counting the number of days I have been unemployed that you see at the top of all of my posts. According to my calculations, day 365 will be February 7th (Super Bowl Sunday!!!!), but I was laid off on February 6th so I want to apologize for screwing up counting.
F.Y.I. this image came up when I google image searched the word "gusto". Notice the giant white penis sculpture to the right of the bride. Don't invite the guy who got them that gift to your wedding.
Today is in fact Groundhog’s day and I don’t really give a crap about that fur ball in Pennsylvania predicting anything, so that’s why I like to improvise with my own animals. Usually my cat, AJ, would fill in for the festivities of February 2nd, but I think he was licking his ass somewhere other than here and I couldn’t find him. So Mittens had to fill in instead, and I am happy to announce that winter will be over next Thursday because my cat meowed when I tried to take her picture!!!
It looks like Mittens won't be needing hers anymore after next week. Hahahaha! Get it? Mittens won't need her mittens anymore???
So one of my favorite shows of all time starts up again tonight. That’s right, I’m talking about LOST and tonight is the season premier of the 6th and final season. I think LOST is one of those shows that you either love or hate. And if you do hate it, then you are an idiot. Anyway, right after this post I gotta go start to get ready for the show tonight. By get ready I mean I need to dress up like one of “the others” and hide around my house waiting for my family to get home so I can intimidate them. I always love finding some funny t-shirts on the internet, and there are definitely some good ones for LOST.
"Hello brotha!"
Anyway, I can’t wait for what is being called “the television event of the year.” Hopefully they haven’t just been in South Florida all this time. Alright, I’m gonna hit the road. I leave you with a haiku, AND an awesome video from everybody’s favorite crime fighting team from the late 80’s/early 90’s.
Groundhog day my ass, This is the day Mittens shines! Love “turtle power”!
How goes it? Hopefully everyone had a good weekend. The first month of 2010 is in the books and for me, so far so good. When I look back on the month that was, I won $900 in 5 minutes and partied with some Olympic athletes in Canada, so needless to say it was a pretty kick ass 4 weeks for yours truly.
Anyway, I wanted to take some time today to announce that I am starting an Employee of the Month Book Club. Just like Oprah’s, but not stupid. Once a month, myself and other book club members will pick out one book that the whole group must read, and then we will meet at the end of the month to discuss the book. After thinking about my choice long and hard all weekend, I decided to go with none other than the book “The Athletic Supporter” by Jacques Strap.
Jacques Strap (b. 1981)
From the reviews I checked out, this book has been called “a literary masterpiece” and “a must read for anybody who is anybody.” I’d appreciate it if everyone who wishes to take part in the book club have their books finished by February 21st so we can discuss this brilliant novel.
As many of you know tomorrow is February 2nd, also known as Groundhog’s Day. I always do my own version of the holiday with my cat, AJ. So make sure you tune in tomorrow so you can find out if we are going to have 6 more weeks of daylight savings time, or if we will not have 6 more weeks of daylight savings time…or whatever the hell that rodent tells us by seeing his shadow.
This picture came up when I searched groundhog on Google Images. It immediately went into my nightmare bank, and if I EVER saw this thing, I would shoot it and say "screw your shadow!"
Alright well I gotta go. My unemployment benefits are suppose to “expire” this week so I have to either A) Figure out if I can get them extended B) Sell a kidney on Ebay C) Go win $900 real quick again, or D) Apply at McDonalds. I leave you with a poll question. I’ll talk to all of you soon!
What is up? I want to apologize for not posting yesterday, but the site I use to blog (WordPress) was apparently having some technical difficulties and I couldn’t log onto the site. Either that or some hackers hacked into my blog because it is so popular they wanted to do it just for fun. Anyway I am back. Today’s music video comes from a band I recently came across called “Japandroids” and I think they are really good. It is cool anytime you come across a new song or a new band that completely takes your breath away. It’s like someone getting you a kick ass present for no reason. Anyway, the song is called “I Quit Girls” and I have been listening to this band non stop all week long. I suggest you check them out.
I have been in contact with their agent about possibly getting the Icy Mikes or 31 Seconds to Jupiter to open for them.
So a lot of people have been asking me lately, “B-MOC, what have you been up to so far in the new year?” It’s funny that they ask me that, because I have been coming up with some new, interesting hobbies that I find myself getting into more often than not. Something that I LOVE doing is scouring the internet for videos or articles posted by people from England. I will take my time and read the whole article or watch the entire video. Then I will go down to the comments section and put “YOU SOUND LIKE YOU’RE FROM LONDON!!!” or “BOB’S YOUR UNCLE!!!”
I like to consider it like the new "Rick Rolled" of youtube.
If you don’t know what “You sound like you’re from London,” is from, it’s from one of my favorite movies, Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
This image came up when I google image searched "Bob's your uncle." Apparently Uncle Bob is an Asian Transvestite.....just like a few of my uncles ZING! I keed.
Another thing I find myself doing a lot more in 2010 is having conversations with inanimate objects. For instance, I have been meaning to take my car in for an oil change for the last week or so. I was supposed to get one around Halloween, but I just recently passed the 3,000 mile mark since my last oil change because I drive as much as an old lady or priest does in a week, which I would guesstimate is like 10 miles. Anyway, all week long I would stand in my dining room and talk to my car. It was mostly in baby talk like “Oooooo someone’s getting an oil change soon! Guess who it is?!?! IT’S YOU!!! Yes it is! It’s you!!!” Sometimes it was dirty talk like, “I bet you can’t wait to get that liquid inside of you huh? You whore! You love all those tubes and canisters shoved inside of you don’t you???” My toothbrush is the best listener I have ever met, my winter boots are one of the most hilarious individuals if you just sit and talk with them, and on Tuesday I had an hour long conversation about the meaning of life with the chicken tenders I was going to have for lunch.
"I understand that you don't believe in God chicken tenders, but you can't argue that Jesus Christ was a real person, and he had all of those people watch him turn water into wine! What's up with that?!?!"
In other news, I trimmed by beard pretty short yesterday. You see when I sleep, I drool. When I was a normal person, my drool would just gather on my pillow which was no big deal. Well when I went all homeless on everybody, my drool couldn’t make it to my pillow without going through my beard first. Needless to say, when I woke up my beard felt disgusting and looked horrible. Yesterday I woke up and it looked like a ginger “gorilla masked” me while I was sleeping. I woke up, walked into the bathroom, looked in the mirror, grabbed my clippers, and had at it. I have no regrets, now I can start a new one and this time I can maintain it a little better.
Alright well that’s all for today. Check back tomorrow. I leave you with a haiku.
Uncle Bob’s a girl? Chicken tenders antichrist? Gorilla masks suck.
I’ve been on a TV Show theme-song kick lately and it’s really started to interrupt my life. For instance, I’ll be feeding my robot or shaving my pussycat and begin singing, “Show me that smile a show me that smile….” I love the Growing Pains themesong so much that it’s on my mp3 player and actually motivates me through part of my workout. It usually comes on right after “Hero” by none other than the great Enrique Iglesius. I love when he whispers “Let me be your hero..”
Anyways, I’ve been laying in bed late at night a lot recently trying to figure out what the greatest theme song of all time is. Like kitten mittens, it’s been DRIVING ME CRAAAAAAZZZZZYYYYYYYYY!!
"Does your cat make TOO MUCH NOISE??? Try Kitten Mittens!"
I skipped sleeping last night and sat up in my room through all hours of the night, constructing a bracket style tournament to figure out what the greatest theme song ever is. I figure the EOTM Blog’s audience of nearly 47 million would give me a good idea of which one is the best. I’ll start with round 1 this week, beginning in the Wild Wild West Bracket:
There you have Round 1 in the Wild Wild West Bracket. Next week I will present to you Round 1 in the Easy Easy East Bracket. You can look forward to matches such as Married With Children theme song versus MacGuyver theme song.
A haiku….
“Everywhere you look,”
Saget, Stamos, Coulier,
Can they be upset?
In other news, my landlord decided to ask my roommates and I for an extra $80 in rent this month because she says there was a spike in our water bill. In our lease agreement it states that we are responsible for all utilities except water. Apparently that isn’t clear enough for her, so I’ve come up with a list of analogies that I hope will help her to understand that we are not responsible for paying the water bill. I’ll start with an easy one:
-Us paying our water bill is in our agreement as ice is hot. Ice is not hot therefore us not paying the water bill is not in our agreement.
They all start with Us paying our water bill is in our agreement, as…
-Michael Jackson is touring this summer
-Strippers are just “trying to pay for college”
-John Stamos is ugly
-K Hrubey is brunette
-Mike Cooper is just looking at sports scores
-Lance Bass hooked up with a girl
-Tiger Woods is a good husband
-Jersey Shore is a quality and reputible TV show
-Women are good drivers
-Dan from Ypsilanti is a carnivore
-There is no cure for AIDS – just ask Magic Johnson
-Dick Goddard does not control the weather
-Michael Jackson can still moonwalk
Hopefully these analogies will make it clear to Landlord Katy that my roommates and I are not responsible for the water bill. If you have any that you think will help, please leave them in the comment box!
Thanks for reading. You stay classy……………….PLANET EARTH.
Hey, what’s going on? I’m thinking about starting a band and calling it “31 seconds to Jupiter.” A lot of people don’t know this, but I am actually one of the original founding members of an “on again off again” band called The Icy Mikes. Along with Dan from Ypsilanti, we have been melting the faces of unsuspecting young adults on and off again for the last 10 years or so. It wasn’t until recently that I found out what an actual “icy mike” was, thanks to urban dictionary. No wonder no one ever came to any of our “gigs” (a gig is what rock stars call it when they play a show fyi). I guess Dan from Ypsilanti and myself are like a modern day Oasis in the sense that we break up the band, then come up with a sweet song and get back together, and then break up again. I guess that is a bad analogy because Oasis is modern also.
This picture came up when I did a search on "icy mikes". This is not what an icy mike is, but it'll work. I mean that guys name may actually be Mike......but he is not an "icy mike".
I’d like to start a new segment on the blog called, “The Most Racist Video of Any Given Particular Moment”. This weeks choice goes to this video….”Little Black Boy” which looks like it was a part of some after school special about a kid who got a perm. The movie actually looks like it might be better than Avatar, but it is just oozing with racism, and that’s why it is this weeks “Most Racist Video of Any Given Particular Moment”.
So last week the question I asked above came up. Does Jesus watch me poop? I personally believe that Jesus does not watch me poop, because when I am pooping, I feel like Jesus takes the opportunity to poop also. I don’t know when our bowel movements became synchronized, but I like to think it was sometime in 1992. Any-who, I wanted to ask the blog readers this question to see what you all think. Feel free to explain your decisions in the comment section.
That’s all for today. I gotta go see if my boy Pierre Garcon will offer me a job as his personal jock strap washer/bag carrier/foot rest/Peyton Manning horse language translator.
Good luck to Pierre and the Colts in the Super Bowl!
A haiku……
My name is B-MOC, Been taking dumps with Jesus Since back in the day.
Holy shit……what is up? It’s been a little while eh? I went all Carmen SanDiego on you guys, but don’t fret because I am back, and have I got a crazy story for you. I want to put to rest all of the rumors that I “am ass up in a ditch somewhere,” or that I “converted to buddhism, shaved my head, married a cow, and moved to Bangladesh.” I am alive and am doing fantastic, but I am a little sluggish today after my crazy adventure so I will just give you a brief overview of what happened.
I went to Canada for a wedding last weekend. On Friday I went to Caesar’s Palace Casino where I went all Alan from The Hangover and won $900 playing 3 card poker in about 10 minutes.
"Rainman practically bankrupt a casino and he was a rahtard...."
Then, my buddy had a opening in a ski trip he was going on this week and asked if I’d be interested in going. I said yes, we stayed in a kick ass slope side condo for 3 and a half days, hung out with some Olympic athletes, and I got home at about 9 last night.
Blue Mountain Ski Resort
Over the weekend I am going to try and assemble a lot of the pictures and video we took and I’ll make a kick ass post sometime next week. It was an unbelievable trip and I can’t wait to share the story with you. I just wanted to check in with all of you guys, and like I said before….I am not dead.
I hope all of you have a great weekend, and I will talk to you next week. I leave you with a video my dude Whitey emailed me. It’s a video of a Ginger just fueling his sterotype of being a big fat dummy. I hope you enjoy it, thanks for the video Whitey.
“I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls…but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, “Screw it, cut em up!” – Mitch Hedberg
