Day 289: Why can’t you take a turkey to church??? Because they have such…….FOWL…..language……ZING!

Ahhh, it’s that time of year again, Thanksgiving time!  Everyone is excited about the short work week, but it is just another 7 day weekend for yours truly.  I love this time of year.  The food, the football, the holiday beverages….it’s all great.  Last year I was able to make it to like 3 Thanksgiving dinners in one 24 hour period.  I don’t know if I have that kind of effort in me again this year, but it’s the thought that counts, and you have to admire the willingness to try.

"This looks great! But what is everyone else going to be eating???" - Me

I have a pretty crazy story from the weekend that I can’t stop thinking about and that I would like to share with you.  So, I went to a “night at the races” fundraising event on Saturday night.  I had never been to one, but it is basically set up like a horse track where you can bet on horses from taped races that are like from the 70’s and 80’s.  It was a lot of fun!  I won a couple of the races I had bet on, but that isn’t what my story is about.  One of the “side games” they had going on was this bead game.  Basically, a set of beads cost $5, and you could only have up to 3 sets of beads.  The game part consisted of calling heads or tails on a coin flip.  If you got the call wrong, you had to take a set of beads off.  If you got the call right, you kept your beads on, and the last person with any beads left would win $380.  So the DJ gets everyone with beads to stand up and he starts the game.  Let’s jump ahead about 2 minutes….I have just called the first 9 coin flips correctly, and have been asked to go up to the front of the room with the other 4 finalists.  My competitors all had one set of beads left, I still had all of mine remaining.  The next coin flip takes place, and only myself and one other person guess correctly.  So it is just me and him.  Well what happened next defies all odds, as I ended up losing the next 3 guesses, and losing $380 bucks!!!  I went 10-0 to start the game, had a 50/50 chance of just calling the right side of the coin, plus the additional odds of having 3 sets of beads compared to the one set my foe had.  But instead, I lost it all, and I didn’t even get a consolation prize.  I basically looked like an ass up there, and after completely turning the game of heads or tails on its side, I came away with nothing!  “What’s the most you’ve ever lost on a coin toss?”

It’s $380….no doubt about it.  $380.  It sucks too because ever since I lost my job, I have become very…resourceful I guess you could call it.  I can make $10 in gas last for over 2 weeks.  I can make a gallon of milk last for almost 3 months, but I wouldn’t recommend trying that.  I have learned how to sew so I can make all of my own clothing now.  That $380 could have easily have lasted me the rest of the year, AND I could have started my non existent child’s college fund.  But instead, I lost money, and woke up with cake icing all over my shirt and pants.  I don’t know how that happened.

Well that’s all I got for today.  Hope everyone has a good day, and just think, today is really like Wednesday in work week terms.  I leave you with a haiku…

Turkey week is here!
Jim Tressel is still a queer,
Gravy everywhere!!!

"Nice ass son." - Jim Tressel

One Love!

SELAH

Day 286: “Why don’t University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes? BECAUSE CATS KEEP COVERING THEM UP!” HAHAHAHAHA, BECAUSE THEY ARE SHIT!!! THE CATS COVER THEM UP BECAUSE THEY THINK THE KIDS ARE SHIT BECAUSE OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM THEY LIKE! ERRRRRR!!!

What’s up?  Todays music video comes from one of my favorite artists for about the last year and a half.  His name is Bon Iver, and if there was ever an Employee of the Month musical on Broadway, this man would play me.  You see, he moved into a cabin in a remote part of Wisconsin for 3 months during the winter to write all of the songs on his CD.  For 3 months, he was all alone with just his guitar, a pen, some paper, I would imagine food and water, most likely some clothes (including a touque, winter jacket, and socks), and probably either a gun or an axe.  That’s my dude…I salute you Bon Iver!

I have a funny story to tell.  One of my neighbors has been out of town visiting her children and grandchildren all month long.  So when she asked my family and I if we could pick up her mail every couple of days, we of course said “yes”.  Well we didn’t know she would have someone come pick it up in intervals, and I thought we would just give it all to her at one time when she got home.  I didn’t know one of her daughters who lives in this area was going to stop by and pick it up.  So it was about 4 o’clock in the afternoon yesterday and I was “surfing the net” as the kids call it.  I was on my computer browsing the internet is what I’m trying to say.  Well I was feeling comical yesterday so I decided to wear my “That’s What She Said” t-shirt.  One of the websites I check out regularly had the video by Heart called “These Dreams” at the top of their page….

so I decided to click play because lets face it, that isn’t a terrible song, and it had been a while since I heard it.  Well I got really into the song and didn’t realize how loud the speakers were.  Next thing I know, I hear knocking at my front door.  I run over because I have a feeling the person has been there a while.  I open the door and see my neighbors daughter, and she is saying something to me but it is really hard to hear her.  I make out the words “my moms mail” so I go grab it for her.  It wasn’t until I closed the door that I realized how awkward this must have looked.

"Can I help you?" as "These Dreams" blares in the background

We may or may not be asked to pick up my neighbors mail the next time she goes out of town.  Jesus I think I look just like a young Sgt. Slaughter.  Our chins are exactly the same….

I think Sgt. Slaughter, Alex Mack of the Cleveland Browns, and myself could make one hell of an Academic Challenge team.

We had bowling last night, and I cannot explain how much I absolutely love it.  If I could recommend some kind of activity to everyone to do before they die, it would definitely be to join a bowling league.  It’s fascinating going every week.  There are so many different shapes and sizes of people there, and everybody bowls in an entirely different way compared to the person next to them.  Take for instance, the 5th member of our team showed up last night, it was Darren Hass’ dad.  He looked exactly like Joe Paterno of Penn State football, only if you added about 15 years.  He was OLD!  But it was all good!  He didn’t throw the ball hard and didn’t bowl very well, but we all still had a great time talking about calling farts “butt sneezes” from now on and talking about the physics of a different kind of bowling ball.  I never imagined I could have so much fun bowling in a league, but it really is a lot of fun.  They finally started posting our team name, “Pin pin ain’t easy”, in the league stats so maybe now we can start earning some “lane cred”.  I mean earn some respect at the bowling alley from our opponents, is what I’m trying to say.  I already came up with a team name for next year.  In honor of Cleveland’s own Bone Thugs n Harmony, our team name shall be Bowl Thugs n Harmony.  Did you see what I did with the Bone and the Bowl there?  That’s what she said.  There is one draw back though.  Darren Hass has this crazy terminator looking wrist guard that he wears.  I mean this thing has like hydraulics and stuff like that on it. Well our team likes to “hit the rock” after one of us throws a good ball.  I mean we like to make our hands into a fist and put our fist into our teammates fist, is what I’m trying to say.  Anyway, Darren Hass robo-wrist is like playing a continuous game of bloody knuckles.  After you spend three hours “hitting the rock” with Big DH, your hand looks like a battered womens shelter.  By our third game, it takes every ounce of energy in my body not to just flip out on Darren and tell him to use his other hand or take that damn thing off.  I was terrible at bloody knuckles because I have fair, sensitive skin.  Within a minute there was blood everywhere, it was terrible.

Hit the rock, don't smoke it. Then throw a perfect strike over, and over, and over, and over.

Well tomorrow is the OSU/Michigan game.  I’m not going to make any predictions because it is always a crazy game, for better or worse.  Can Michigan win….yes.  Will they win….I don’t think so.  Is Terrelle Pryor a terrible quarterback…yes.  Is Jim Tressel a pansie….yes.  But that goes all out the window for this game.  Good luck to all of the players tomorrow, and good luck to Maurice Clarrett who is still serving time in a federal prison.  He always had one of my all time favorite quotes, and I will never forget it for as long as I live, and I will leave you with it today.  It goes, “I robbed a guy and I liked it.”  A haiku for the big weekend…

Bring on the Buckeyes!
“I robbed a guy and liked it,”
says Maurice Clarrett

"Go Bucks!"

One Love!

SELAH

Day 285: “The world’s a playground…you know it when you are a kid, but somewhere along the line, everyone forgets it…”

Thursday is the day that I blog on.  It’s crappy weather outside, but that don’t mean I won’t get my “song” on.  Blogging to the left and blogging to the right.  I get my blog on almost every single night.  Reading this blog is like getting kicked in the scrotum.  It could be worse, you could be at the bottom of a pole that is totum.  I show the world all my wonderful mind lightning, then I brush my teeth with the toothpaste of whitening!

So I was laying in bed watching some tv last night, and I came up with a great business idea.  “Black Friday” is next week, and of course everyone goes crazy over all of the sales that all of the stores have.  I have never been, but I have heard that there are some great savings to be had.  I heard that this year, some stores are even considering opening as early as 3 am!!!  Wow!!!  3 am!!!  So anyway, my business idea was about creating a Black Friday delivery service.  The way it would work is that a customer would make a list of everything that they wanted to buy on Black Friday, and what stores they wanted to get those items at.  What I would do, is go out and wait in all of the lines for that person, pick up their wish list, and deliver the items to their house.  I would charge 10% of the total of their bill, which may seem high, but at the same time, those people don’t have to wake up at 2:30 am to go stand in line outside of Wal-Mart to buy the new Hannah Montana training bra for little Susie.  I could do it….although that may be illegal with my mustache….I have to look into that.  But anyway, back to my idea, I think people would really buy into this because after a long day of turkey the day before, the last thing anyone wants to do is have to wake up that early to stand in lines for Christmas presents.  I am perfect for the job.  I don’t even go to bed until after 3 am most nights.  Hell, I could take a power nap at 11 pm and head to the stores right after to be first in line.  A customer could wake up at 9 am, have a cup of coffee and read the paper, then, >KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK<, “who is it honey?”, Oh it’s just B-MOC delivering all of my Christmas presents.  I spent $5,000 so here ya go sweetheart, there is $500 bucks, but I also through in a leftover plate of Thanksgiving dinner (with some pumpkin pie) and the 3rd season of Lost because I know you love it so much!  Genius genius genius!!!

Notice the mostly female crowd. I figure with my size, strength, mustache, and the fact that my personal hygene has been questionable lately, I can pretty much guarantee myself a spot at the front of every line. Can you say, "chaaa-ching"???

In movie news, everyone’s yearly thirst of Vampires will be quenched this Friday when the second installment of the shit series Twilight comes out.  I believe this one is called “New Moon” and it is driving all of the women here at the EOTM house crazy.

I know I have touched on this before, but this kind of stuff cracks me up.  First off, I have never seen any of these movies, but I already hate them because these books and movies were so succesful, now everyone is trying to jump on the vampire bandwagon, even if that means that they make a shit movie, or a shit show in the meantime.  Nobody cares, they just hear the word “vampires” and they go……”bat shit” (did you see what I did there?  because vampires can turn into bats!”)

Anyway, what really cracks me up is all of the young women who have fallen in love with the characters from these movies.  “Oh that vampire is so sexy!  Ooo his vampire eyes are dreamy!  Oh geeze that one can turn into a werewold, how cute!”  But what these girls don’t realize is that those vampires and werewolves will rip your face off, and chew your jugular out!  That’s what they do, that is how they eat!  I would love to see what these same teenage girls would do if they saw a real life vampire in the woods.  I know exactly what they would do, they would freak out, become extremely terrified and try to run, only to be caught and devoured whole.  This reminds me of when I was in middle school and everyone was trying to throw the crip and blood signs.  “Oh man that is so cool, I wish I could make my hands spell out blood!!!”

Oh man that is so cool!!!

Yeah, it’s cool until you end up on E. 55th at midnight on a Wednesday and try throwing that sign up.  It wouldn’t end well.  The same is true with this vampire stuff.  They would tear any of us apart just because they could.  I have a feeling that all of the girls who are madly in love with these stories are the same ones who are going to grow up and think that you can raise monkeys as pets, or even worse raise them as a person.  Everybody has seen Dunstin Checks In and everybody believes that monkeys make awesome friends, but that isn’t true.  Monkeys will rip your arms, ears, nose, and the rest of your face off, just like this lady…

Vampires on the other hand…well they aren’t as forgiving.

Well that’s all for today.  I will talk to you all again soon!  And sorry for the above picture, it is a little distrubing.  But I figured, “If Oprah can do it, I can too!!!”  Alright, One Love!

SELAH

Day 284: “I may have alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have alzheimer’s!”

Hello!  Last night I had a dream that I had started a cab service, or a “taxi”, and I just drove all of my friends around…but instead of using a car, I used a big wheel.

There wasn’t a place I wouldn’t drive to.  In fact, during one part of my dream, I was going down I-90 Westbound at about 80 miles an hour, peddling my mind away, and I actually flipped my big wheel sending my passengers and myself over the railing and into the woods.  It was a dream, so we all were ok, just looked at each other, and hopped back on and kept going.  The thing I loved about big wheels is how you could peddle really hard at first and make it spin out.  I have this theory that big wheels are responsible for the “Ruff Ryders” bike gang, but it is still just a theory.

In other news, I will be having a phone interview with a very local organization within the next week.  This is good for two reasons.  #1.  I will be having an interview for an actual job!  #2.  I don’t have to shave my mustache!  Hahaha, my mom hates my mustache.  She comes home from work and literally comes up with insults about my mustache.  I would share some of them with you, but they are too vulgar for the internet and in bad taste if you ask me.  I am pretty pumped about this phone interview though.  My unemployment-ness is getting pretty bad.  Like last night for instance, I realized that I hadn’t showered in two days, only when I yawned and caught a whiff of my own arm pits.  I haven’t had to put a pair of pants on since Sunday.  So hopefully something comes from this interview for my sake and the sake of body odor.  When I was a little kid, my uncle taught me his famous “poisonous pit” wrestling move because I was a die hard wrestling fan.  You basically just lay on top of the guy you are wrestling, and smother his face with your armpit.  So I want to give you all a heads up.  If you ever want to wrestle me, you will be getting the poisonous pit for sure.

This girl knows what I'm talking about.

Back to this phone interview though, I am pretty excited about it, because I feel like I excel in phone interviews.  I actually have only had one, but I felt like it went really well.  Like any interview, you have no idea what they are going to ask you.  The thing about a phone interview is is that you can’t see the reaction of the person interviewing you, so that’s why I like to use the “answer a question with another question” technique….a lot!  Like in my last phone interview, the lady was like, “So in what ways do you feel you could be an asset to this company?”  And I was like, “Well >HR Lady<, I’m going to answer your question with another question.  Are you serious?  You really can’t tell already?”  Later on in the interview, she asked what my asking salary would be, so of course I responded with another question and asked, “Well how much do you make?”  The interview ended shortly after, and I didn’t get the job because of the shitty economy.  DAMN ECONOMY!!!!!!

Another thing about phone interviews is you can wear whatever you want!  My ideal phone interview would consist of me, laying on my couch, with my cut off jeans on, my mustache looking glorious, and probably a dirty undershirt on and a bag of potato chips nearby in case I need a snack.  I would probably look just like this guy…

"Well I feel like I am the ideal candidate because I am self motivated, organized, and pay great attention to detail. I also work well in a team setting, which is what I know you are looking for!" >crunch, crunch as I put more potato chips into my mouth<

Alright well I gotta go.  My mom came home for lunch and has to get her Facebook fix or else she starts smashing her great grandmothers china from the great depression.  I leave you with a prayer.

Dear God,

Please let me find a job, like 5 minutes ago.  I hate when my mom gets into her Facebook craze and smashes her valuable possessions.  Thank you.

B-MOC

One Love!

SELAH

Day 283: Tuesdays with Tuley….the day-time drama edition.

So as some of you may have noticed the last several weeks.  Tuley has been pretty inconsistent with posting on his Tuesdays.  Well I don’t want to keep you faithful readers in the dark, or beat around the bush, so I want to address some of the rumors that have been coming up.

It is true that Tuley and I are dealing with some issues here at the blog, but those will stay in house for right now.  It is untrue that Tuley has not been posting on regular Tuesdays because he is battling an addiction to Flintstone Vitamins.

They are fantastic though! The rumors of my own addiction to Flintstone Vitatmins may....or may not be true.

It is not true that Tuley has began blogging at “Unemployed Hotties Who Want to LAY You Off”.  As far as I know, his loyalty still remains to the EOTM blog, and also to Varsity Basketweaving.

It is not true that Tuley pulled a Billy Mays and died.

It is not true that Tuley is “Patient Zero” of the new zombie infection, has slaughtered his roommates, and lives everyday trying to satisfy his hunger for human brains.

The rumor about Pat Sajak and Tuley, the details of which I know nothing about, are completely false.  However the rumor about Tuley and Carrie Underwood is 100% true.

Pat Sajak is a pig. Has he no standards???

And it is not true that Tuley is being considered for the open General Manager position with the Cleveland Browns.  Although I am sure he could do just as good a job as any of the other clowns they have had in their recently.

Tuley has prepared a statement that he wanted me to share with all of you via the blog.  Here it is.

“As many of you know, my posts to the blog have been few and far between as of late. This is for not good reason. My legal counsel has advised me not to speak on this matter at this time but trust me, the truth will come out i think. Like with anything, there have been many rumors surfacing. The one about me and Carrie Underwood is definitely true. The one about me and Pat Sajak is not. I ask you to reserve judgement until all the facts have been laid out and I hope that you will respect mine and my family’s privacy as well. For updates on my situation you should contact my family, day or night. My relationship with BMOC is still in place. I cherish his friendship and appreciate all that he has done for my career. He basically did for me what Michael Jackson did for death – he got my name out there. I thank you for your support during this time and am confident that I will return to the Employee of the Month blog in short order. Happy Channakuh and Merry Kwanza. God Bless!

P.S. I love you.”

Tuley also asked that I post this video for him.

I never realized how much the guitar players looks like a shorter version of Zydrunas Ilgauskas.  Like when Z had hair still.  Well that’s all for today.  Tune in tomorrow I am going to share with you my guacamole recipe that include green bananas and whole chickens.  One Love!

SELAH

 

 

Day 282: “The mustache is a lot like Jesse Jackson in the way that it brings people together.”

What’s going on?  How is everyone?  Hope you all had a good weekend.  Mine was pretty good.  I didn’t do too much, but I did dye my mustache with some Just For Men hair coloring stuff, and now I look like Freddie Mercury.

It’s really pretty amazing how that stuff works!  It took like 5 minutes, and I look like I am 10 years older, which is really insignificant considering I am already 21 and don’t have any certain age to look forward to.  Just For Men is so cool, I will never grow any more facial hair unless I use that.  When I had my beard a couple of months ago, I stood in the mirror and wondered why the hell it was bright red every single day.  Well now that I know about this stuff, I can grow an epic face garden once again.  I could even make it look like Cisqo and dye it completely blonde!

Well it’s hard to believe, but this week is the Ohio State vs. Michigan game in Ann Arbor.  Many of you know that I am a big Michigan fan and I live in Northeast Ohio which sucks when it comes to college football.  Everybody in the country knows how football fans from Northeast Ohio can get when there team is playing.  Like last year for example, I went to a bar near where I lived in Cleveland at the time, and I was wearing my Chad Henne football jersey for the game.  We got to the bar a little early to ensure we got a good spot.  There was another group of some frat boy looking guys who came in right behind us.  Michigan got demolished that game.  In fact it was pretty much over by half time, so I took my jabs from everybody at the bar.  Until Michigan turned the ball over once again late in the 4th quarter, and out of nowhere one of these J. Crew douchers stands up, points at me from a few tables over, and yells “F!@# YOU!”  It was pretty funny though because it was like one of those scenes in a movie when you hear the record scratch in the background because it was completely uncalled for, and everyone just starred at the guy.  He left right after that.

Well needless to say a lot of people give me a hard time about being a Michigan fan in this area.  A lot of people think that because Jim Tressel graduated from the same high school that I did, and that because he he has a lot of family in this area and that I know very well, that I should be an Ohio State fan.  I played hacky sack with Jim Tressel’s daughter once…..just a little FYI.  She sucked at it, but I wasn’t expecting much anyway.  But I digress……do you know who else graduated from the same high school I did, and who still is in this area?

His name is Mike Cooper. Nice hoodie Mike........and nice mustache!!!

That’s right…Mike Cooper.  The guy who got caught masturbating in a public library.  Should I be a big fan of his, Ohio State fan?!?!  Does Jim Tressel facebook Mike because they are high school alums, Ohio State fan?!?!?!  Has Jim Tressel performed the old “up down, up down” in a library just like Mike did?!?!?!  NO!!!  Which is why I don’t need to do anything Ohio State related.  I love Michigan because they are the most tradition filled school in the country and in the history of college football.  Most wins ever, biggest stadium, the most classic uniforms in college football, etc, etc.  I predict Ohio State will win this weekend, but I also predict that Michigan’s team this year is head and shoulders better than the team last year, and if you look at the first half of every Michigan game this year, they were winning but just couldn’t finish.  What I’m trying to say is that Michigan has the tools to win this year, I just don’t see it happening.

The starting left guard for OSU, Justin Boren, makes his return for the first time back to the Big House, but this time he is wearing the scarlet and grey.  That’s right!  He transferred from Michigan to OSU last season because “the family values” were erroding, aka a new system came in that wouldn’t let him be a fat slob.  He is, and will be the only player to ever transfer from one of these schools to the other.  You just don’t do that.  It is the same as Luke Skywalker transferring to the Dark Side.  And the thing that made me really mad was that he was full of shit.  He left the school to play for his arch rival, and he mocked the school that gave him a full academic scholarship to play football.

Here is a picture of Justin Boren last Halloween....when he dressed up as Rich Rodriguez. My problem is you don't leave for the reasons you said you did and then do something like this. Was that playboy bunny disappointed when you whipped out that baby carrot later that night Justin?

And here is a picture of me, dressed up as Justin Boren this Halloween.

As you can tell I really don’t like Justin Boren.  And to the Ohio State fan, I say you can have him.  What kind of loyalty does a person like that have?  When is he going to jump ship again because he doesn’t like something that’s going on?  In the 4th quarter of the Rose Bowl?  Will it be this week against Michigan?  My point is that I wouldn’t want a guy like that on my team, and I wouldn’t want to play next to him.  He is an unrealiable person who can’t hack it when adversity comes his way.  But it’s ok.  I think OSU has got theirs coming.  Every year those chips somehow find a way to always fall in their favor, until they get their dicks pushed in in a bowl game.  So that is always fun to look forward to.

O-H!!! D-bags.....

Alright, well that’s all I got for today.  Everyone take it easy, and I’ll talk to you soon.  One Love!

SELAH

Day 279: “I think it was FDR who said, ‘I wish they would come up with a cure for polio already, because I really wanna get out of this chair!”

Happy Friday to everyone.  Today, I want to share a story with you.  It’s the story of the day that my friends and I met Rob Riggle in person!  Who is Rob Riggle you ask?  Well, he happens to be a comedian/actor/bad ass marine who has had some of my favorite roles on tv and in movies.

Rob Riggle's artistic, deep thinking pose.

The story begins on the Cleveland Indians opening day, when my friends and I planned to go downtown to a few bars before the game and then watch the Tribe start their season.  It is something that we have done several times, and it has always been a joyous occasion.  Well this particular day, we headed to a bar where a local radio station was broadcasting before the game.  We grabbed a few beverages, found a table, and started to soak up the atmosphere.  About a half hour later, as my eyes scanned the room, I saw a familiar face, but not somebody I had met before.  This person was from something else.  I kept staring and staring trying to think of where I had seen him before.  Then it hit me.  He was the POW guy from Step Brothers!

I leaned over and started telling all of my buddies that “the POW guy” was sitting at the end of the bar fiddling on his Blackberry, and they really had no idea what I was talking about.  I couldn’t understand what “the POW guy” was doing at a bar at 10:30 in the morning in downtown Cleveland.  I thought “maybe he is just fueling his alcoholic tendencies” but that seemed like a stretch.  Finally, my friends and I mustered up the courage to go over and say hello.  You have to keep in mind that not one of us could remember what his name was.  So we went over to where he was sitting, and I asked “Excuse me sir….are you “the POW guy” from Step Brothers?”  He slowly lifted his head up from his Blackberry, and with a disgusted look on his face said “POW!!!” I instantly became his biggest fan.  He was the coolest celebrity I had ever met.  He introduced himself, and chatted for just a little bit, but he did let all of us take a picture with him which was awesome!

This picture is crappy, but you can see Tuley and I standing in the back with Riggle in the middle (did I just come up with a new sitcom title?). I had to censor the faces of the other people in this picture as they did not give me consent to release their photos.

After the picture he shook all of our hands and got back to his business, but I first wanted him to take another picture and autograph it for us.  He eagerly accepted, however the A-Hole who took the picture had his finger over the lens so it turned out like this……

It didn't work.

He is a really big guy as you can tell from the picture.  Apparently he is also a Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Marine Corps which is unheard of for an actor/comedian.  Hypothetically, he could perform stand up or film a role in a movie one week, and then be taking out terrorists the next.  That is awesome!  He is like the Pat Tillman of the entertainment industry.  He is a true American hero…and that is why today, I salute you Mr. Rob Riggle!

Well that’s gonna do it for the week.  It’s gonna be a nice weekend so make sure you head outdoors for a little bit.  The shits gonna hit the fan weather wise hear in a couple of weeks, so take advantage of the sunshine now.  You all have a good one.  I leave you with a deleted scene with my boy RR from Step Brothers.  One Love!

SELAH

Day 278: “With a potion oh that I have made…for a young man it’s a heck of a wage, and I feel crazy when I see your face!”

Helllloooo!  Today’s video is of Hootie and the Blowfish singing with the Sesame Street gang about crossing the street.  I posted this video in honor of Darius Rucker, the front man for HATB who apparently sings country music now and won like “Best New Country Singer” last night at some awards thing.  I was shocked to hear that he has switched gears and now sings about country stuff (i.e. alcoholism, domestic violence, and death).  However it made me wonder what happened to “the Blowfish”.  Where are they now?  What are they doing?  Are they still the Blowfish, or have they too shifted their interests to, lets say, starfish….or tuna fish?

This happens in the music industry a lot more than people realize.  Take for instance, the band Bon Jovi.  The lead singer for that band, Jon Bon Jovi, made it big and does things mostly alone now.  His former bandmates, who were left hung out to dry, started a cow farm which is called “Bovine Joni”.

"WHOAAAAAAA! WE'RE HALWAY THERE! WHOA OH! LIVING ON A FARM EATING GRASS AND PRODUCING MILK ALL DAY LOONNNGGGG!"

The band Porno for Pyros front man, Perry Farrell, who later found stardom with the band Jane’s Addiction left his fellow rockers behind.  Now, instead of playing in front of thousands of people every night, they make PSA videos about fire safety and not falling asleep with a cigarette in your hand.

"We'll make great pets, we'll make great pets! We also want to make people aware of the dangers of falling asleep while smoking. It's bad, and should only be done by professionals"

The Stone Temple Pilots were a popular rock group in the early 90’s.  Today, contrary to the belief that they give plane tours around the Aztec ruins, they give bus tours around El Paso, Texas while trying to relive their glory days.

"When the dogs do find her, shes got time and time to wait for tomorrow! And tomorrow the bus leaves for El Paso at 10 am!!!"

Def Leppard will always be known as one of the premier hair bands of the 80’s.  Today they put all of their resources towards raising awareness for feline hearing impairment, and it is rumored that all of the band members now own at least 27 deaf cats apiece.

The band even invented the "Cat Scan" mind reading device, that allows felines to communicate using mind bullets. They really have made leaps and bounds with the feline deafness pandemic facing this planet.

And finally, the band Panic! At the Disco, well….they just chill now at the local YMCA.

"Do you guys wanna play some basketball or something?" "No man.....let's just chill. We panicked for so long.....let's just chill."

It’s crazy how life works out in the end.  I am sure that all of these bands saw their futures drastically different from how things really are today.  The same is true for the common man like you and I.  I mean, 5 years ago I never imagined that I would be an unemployed 24 year old living with my parents yelling obscenities at kids half my age on XBox Live until 5 in the morning.  But, c’est la vie.  I really wish the real Hootie and the Blowfish were still around to…..hold my hand. Or that Darius would come visit, say everything is going to be ok, and just tell me…….”I only wanna be with you.” Hahahahahaha!

Well I’m gonna hit the road.  I have to start my pregame routine for bowling tonight which includes eating potato chips and watching “What Not to Wear” on TLC.  I leave you with a haiku…

Blowfish reunite!
Def Leppard now saves the cats.
Hootie…….hold my hand???

One Love!

SELAH

Day 277: “Do you know what the Bible says about having sex with your sister? DON’T!”

What up?!?!?!  I figured you guys could start your day with some Bert and Ernie gangsta rap.  I don’t know why, but those muppet singing videos kill me every single time!  Kudos to the people who make them, because it really looks like they are singing the songs and I love it!

Tonight the Cavs take on the Orlando Magic in a rematch of last years Eastern Conference finals.  Everyone is excited to see Shaq (aka Superman) take on Dwight Howard (aka Superman).  I can’t wait to hear all of the corny kryptonite references made tonight.  Fred McLeod will all be like “Well Shaq’s age is definitely one of his only…….kryptonites.”  Then AC will be like “I smoked kryptonite in my day after I karate chopped a guy coming down the lane!”  I don’t know if ESPN is doing the game, but I am sure Mike Tirico will be balls deep in a “Well you can call Jameer Nelson the Lex Luther of this game….because he came out of nowhere and tried to end the world of the Cavaliers!!!  WITH KRYPTONITE!!!”

Anyway, I wanted to take this time not to talk about the game, but to compare the movie careers of Lebron James and Shaq.  Lebron was the star of this documentary that came out over the summer that talked about him and his friends growing up and playing basketball in Akron.  I am not sure what it’s called…I think it’s like “We Play Basketball and Don’t Care Who Wnows: The Lebron James Story” and I haven’t seen this movie, but apparently it is pretty good, and it will be the perfect thing to watch next year after Lebron leaves Cleveland to play basketball in Siberia for $100 million a year.   But Shaq did Kazaam.  Battle over, Shaq wins.

Hahahahaha!  Can you imagine the director of that movie during the rehersal for that scene.  He was like “Ok Shaq, you enter stage left wearing your gigantic genie outfit.  I want you to put your arms up and say ‘I AM KAZAAM!’, then pause….then enter cheeseburger with absurd amount of ketchup on it….and END SCENE!  GOOD JOB PEOPLE, THIS IS GOING TO MAKE US RICH!!!”

Oh my Lord….I just did a little additional research on the movie Kazaam, and apparently the little boy who plays the main character Max in the movie grew up and unfortunately didn’t land any more leading roles.  However, he did eventually land back on his feet when he joined the Latin Kings street gang!  AHHHHHHHH!!!

Child stars man.......WTF?

I wonder if Shaq and he still keep in touch.  I am going to say no.  In fact, a restraining order may be in line somewhere there.  Actually, I may have just made $100,000 because I think this guy is in the top ten of the FBI’s most wanted list.

What do you think? Did I just make 100 large?

Do you guys think it’s weird that I regularly check the FBI’s most wanted list?  I don’t know why, but I have this feeling like one day I might see one of these guys walking down the street and that I can take him down Terry Tate style.

For instance, say I’m walking my dog down the street and I see Osama Bin Laden, there are two things I can do.  I can pretend like it’s not him like some people do when they get near celebrities, which is what I would usually do.  Or….I can lay him out, collect my $250,000 and blog about it.  I think I may have just found my dream job!

Alright well that’s all I got for today.  I leave you with a haiku.

Kryptonite is dumb.
B-MOC can catch Bin Laden?
BLOGGING LINEBACKER!!!

One Love!

SELAH

Day 275: “Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beatiful!”

Hey there.  Just a quick post today.  First off, a few friends of mine told me to check out the video below.  I didn’t realize Hitler was such a big Browns fan.  I also didn’t realize how similar the Browns 2008 season was to the current season.

In “Movember mustache watch” news….I now look like Sgt. Slaughter which is cool because I really enjoyed watching him wrestle on Saturday mornings when I was a kid.

I salute your stache Sgt. Slaughter!

Well that’s all I got for today.  Everyone have a good one and I’ll talk to you later.  One Love!

"Throw me!"

SELAH