“WE’RE ALL SOMEONES DAUGHTER!!!!!!  WE’RE ALL SOMEONES SONNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!”  What up wanksters?!?!  It’s your boy coming to you live from Cincinnati, OH.  That’s right, my first ever post from Cinci-nasty.  If you recall, I mentioned I got a job down here and I have spent the last several weeks making the transition from Cleveland.  Actuallly, that is all a lie.  I actually became homeless from being out of a job pretty much for the last 2 years so I decided to move to a warmer climate that was somewhat close to home.  Haha, I keed, I really did get a job down here.  Everything is going well with the new job and I am finally settled in to my apartment.  I have all of my imaginary furniture right where I want it and I must say the funk-chewy is phenomenal in here!  See for yourself!

This room really oozes with personality!

It’s not really that bad, my roommate will be moving in next week sometime and he has a bunch of furniture so my place won’t look like Osama Bin Laden’s compound for too much longer.  Speaking of which, HOW AWESOME IS THAT SHIT!!!!  I must say I have been absolutely enthralled with all of the coverage of his assassination since it happened.  I mean, the story about the commandos flying in in the middle of a full moon night and clearing that house and popping that prick in the head twice and then having to blow up their own helicopter so those Pakistani’s didn’t get it.  Listening to this is like hearing the trailer for the greatest action movie in the history of mankind.  I’m picturing Bruce Willis in Die Hard, Sylvestor Stallone in Rambo, Arnold in the Terminator 2, Matt Damon in the Bourne movies, Hulk Hogan, and any other bad ass motherfucker in the history of mankind to make up the cast for this potential movie.  Like if Hollywood could have a Jesus Christ baby that they created for all of mankind and who would die for their sins and live on in the hearts and minds of everyone for ever and ever, then the movie about Osama Bin Laden’s death would have to be that Jesus Christ movie.  I pray that they make that movie and that they don’t fuck it up which would be hard to do.  This event was so action packed, stealthy, and awesome and it stirred up emotions, good and/or bad, in every single American that they cannot half ass this!  Like they need to get Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Quintin Tarantino, and Robert Rodriguez need to get together, get all liquored up on scotch and fine wines, have a big sex picnic and give birth to this movie.  It needs to be epic, just like the true events that inspired it…….make this happen Hollywood, and don’t let us down!

I'll give you a head start, your movie will be called "Seal Team Six" and this picture will be your movie poster. Your move Spielberg!

And I want to give mad props to Barack Obama and the entire U.S. military.  Those guys are the freaking tits right now and with the death of Bin Laden, I think Obama pretty much locked up his 2nd term as president.  Anyway, he really is on top of the world now.  Last week at this time, the only stories in the news was the royal wedding and Donald Trump calling Obama out on his birth certificate.  People all over the world were like “Oh Barack Obama didn’t get invited to that dumb ass royal wedding” and “he won’t be able to go to the reception and eat hard boiled quail eggs and medium rare blood sausage and figgy pudding.”  Then there were other people who were like “Ohhh Obama wasn’t born here!  He was born in that polynesian country of Hawaii and needs to be deported!”  Then he drops this Bin Laden spot on us and just gives a big middle finger to the whole world.  I’m sure right after he left the podium he cracked open a Old English 40 and banged the hell out of Michelle Obama…..without a rubber!

"...I got that mother fucker Shelly....now lets play 'find the sausage."

Ohhhh boy…..that’s awesome.  Alright well I’m gonna get going.  The Kentucky Derby is on in a little bit and I wanna get dressed up in my home made jockey uniform and get sour on some Mint Julips, or just pound some Kentucky bourbon.  If any of my fans in the Cincinnati area want to meet up while I am living down here, don’t email me because I don’t hang out with psychos.  I leave you with a haiku….

In the ‘Natty’ now.
Gonna get this town pregnant,
In my jockey clothes.

One Love!

SELAH

WHAT UP HATERS?!?!?!  How are you???  >winky face<.  BOOM!!!  Your boy just got a new job and I’M PUMPED!!!  It’s a sales/account manager type position with a very successful company and I’m gonna be famous one day, you’ll see!  I’ve never done sales before but I’ve always been told I could sell a ketchup popsicle to a lady wearing white gloves.  I saw Drew Carey the other day and he told me I could sell a block of ice to a bare ass Eskimo.  The only downside is that I have to move to Cincinnati for at least a year right in the middle of my Cleveland Indians getting off to one of the hottest starts in team history.  Either way, IT’S FUCKING ON!!!!!!

"...it's gotta be YOUR bull...."

If I move away and the Indians win a World Series I’m going to flip out.  Anyway, in my fit of happiness today I came up with a really great idea for a movie.  You see I hate Robin Williams because for whatever reason he is so god damn hairy and I can’t stand when I see him in real life and he is just jumping off the walls.  I’ll watch him make an appearance on Conan or what have you and after 5 minutes I am yelling at my tv for someone to just slap the hell out of that man and tell him to calm down.  How that man did not get beat to death as a child by his parents/any other person who may have come across him is a miracle if you ask me.  However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I am a big fan of the movie Mrs. Doubtfire.  That movie came out when I was fairly young and as far as I can remember was my first encounter with transvestites.  Well I was thinking to myself today, why doesn’t Hollywood make a movie called Mr. Doubtfire which will be just like Mrs. Doubtfire but the other way around.  Instead of the dad trying to get closer to his kids, it will be like a meth addict mom trying to get back to her kids by dressing up like a man and pretending to be a nanny or maid or whatever, but she will be smoking meth the whole time too.  I know the economy is still pretty fragile so you could save a lot of money with special effects and make up and just hire Rosie O’Donnell to play the mom/tranny dad.

The lovely Rosie O'Donnelly ladies and gentleman!

Oh man now that shit would sell!  “What would you do to see your kids and you were addicted to meth?  For Rosie O’Donnell, the answer was simple…dress up as a man and pretend to be a nanny.  This summer >BOOM BOOM<, Rosie O’Donnell >BOOM BOOM<, in….MR. DOUBTFIRE!”

Mr. Doubtfire movie poster. Quick shout out to google images for providing me with this spectacular picture!

 

I’ve been going on a lot of walks lately since the weather has been a little nicer.  I don’t walk anywhere in particular, I just put my headphones in and wander.  I like to people watch and I always see some pretty interesting people on my walks.  Well the other day I thought to myself….what if some dude who just woke up from a 20 year coma ran into you on the street.  Like he thought it was 1991 and had no idea that things had changed.  Like he saw a billboard with Barack Obama on it and started freaking out demanding to know where George Bush was.  He was just flipping out refusing to listen to anyone.  Or he decides to go to a Browns game one Sunday in the fall and he thinks that the stadium is a UFO because they tore the old one down and built a new one in the same location.  Once he did get into the game he stands up after the first play of the game and is livid that Bernie Kosar is not starting.  He starts throwing his beer and punching kids in the head all while chanting “BERNIE, BERNIE, BERNIE!”  He decides he needs to get some gas in his 1991 Buick Regal and goes to a gas station with $10 in his hands so he can fill his car up, then he has a heart attack when he sees his $10 only got him 2.5 gallons of gas.  He walks into a record store and is pissed that Nirvana hasn’t come out with a new cd in a while.  Man….it would be crazy for that guy but I would love to run into someone like that and just follow them around and see how insane they go when they see that things have changed and they don’t understand why.  This reminds me of a skit from the Whitest Kids U Know….

“HEY DUM DUM, WE AIN’T IN NO GIANT TEA CUP!!!  IT’S THE OCEAN!!!” Hahahaha.  Ohhh that is a situation I would love to be in one time in my life.  Alright well I gotta get going.  I am heading to Wilmington, NC until Monday so if you are in the area and want to meet up for tea and scrumpets then send me an email.  I got a busy couple of weeks coming up with the move to Cincinnati and all, but I will holler at you as soon as I can.  Until then, a haiku….

I AM BACK, JOB TIME!
They say ‘third time is a charm’,
Cincy, here I come!

One Love!

SELAH

WHAT UP ENGLISH?!?!?!?!?!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH >RAGE SCREAM<!!!!!!!!!  THE KID IS BACK!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  Spring is in the air, opening day was last week, Wrestlemania was on Sunday, and March Madness just ended (and I finished in 2nd place out of 4 people who filled out a women’s bracket on ESPN.com.  I’m coming for you next year LPGAfanatic47!!!).  Needless to say I have been walking around with a mega huge boner for the last week and a half and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.  If you’re not impressed with my Wranglers, just know that I AM A GROWER, NOT A SHOW-ER!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

THIS GUYS EXCITED!!!!

If you read my last post you know that I had to head out west to Phoenix, AZ for some part time work.  Well I got back a couple of weeks ago and it was a blast.  If you are from the midwest and have never been to Phoenix, just know that it is a lot like Cleveland, but the exact opposite, and a lot closer to Mexico.  I went from 30 degree weather and snow to flip flops, sunshine, and 90 degree taint sweat inducing heat.  I loved it!  We almost died a couple of times on the drive out there when the tires on our vehicle would mysteriously blow out and we would lose all control of the van and scream down the highway in a 85 mph torpedo.  Other than that it was really fun!  If you ever get the chance to drive across the country like that, DO IT!  I had never been west of the Mississippi river.  You see I watched that movie “The Hills Have Eyes” a couple years back and was convinced that everyone west of the Mississippi was a flesh starving mutant who enjoyed rape.  I swore I would never travel out west until I found out that that movie was not in fact based on a true story.  Then I also saw “The Hills Have Thighs” on Cinemax a couple of weeks ago so that made everything peachy.

It was a soft core porno is what I'm trying to say.

Anywho, it was really great getting to see this beautiful country we live in…..except for Oklahoma and north Texas, that part of the trip blew.  Oklahoma is completely ass backwards in everything it does, and north Texas was nice if you like not seeing a damn thing and a strong odor of cow shit for 4 hours.  The rest of the trip was really quite beautiful.  The landscape in New Mexico and Arizona was remarkable.  This might make me sound like a huge douche but the rock formations out there are unlike anything I have ever seen before.  And if you think I am a douche for saying that then FUCK YOU!

We don't have views like this in Cleveland. Unless you want to see a real nice dead fish in the river or pubic lice everywhere, you have to go out west to get a view like this.

I was in Phoenix for St. Patrick’s day which was kind of weird considering I am used to St. Patty’s day being cold with a 90% chance of rain/snow.  This year I was able to go see my Indians play a spring training game (and give up a fucking triple to Dontrelle Willis….the pitcher), and then I met up with a friend of mine who lives out there now.  This friend suggested we go to Scottsdale for the evening so I agreed.  Scottsdale was a really cool place.  We hung out in this neighborhood called “Old Town” because which had a wide range of bars and nice restaurants.  I think they call it “Old Town” because it was the place where “Old Spice” was invented.  Well the weather was so nice we decided to walk around the town and check out all of the drunk Arizonians in their green attire.  I later found out that Old Town is right near where the defending World Series Champions the San Francisco Giants play their spring training games.  So we saw a lot of their fans out and about drinking green beer and talking about how they saw Barry Bonds inject shark adrenaline into his b-hole.  Well we stopped at this bar called “R n R” or some noise like that, I am not exactly sure what the bar was called but it was cool.  It was like a two story bar that was for the most part open aired.  You could look out from all sides and yell stuff at the passerby’s.  My friend suggested we go upstairs to check out the scenery.  Well wouldn’t you know the first person I see when I walk in is none other than “The Freak”.  That’s right ladies and gentleman…Tim Lincecum himself is sitting at a table right by the door!

The Freak!

I wish I could say I sat down with Tim and had a beer or two, then he agreed to take a picture with us and sign autographs for our non existent children and then give us some complimentary seats behind home plate for opening day, but none of that happened.  Instead, Tim Lincecum gave myself and my friends the death stare for the next 30 minutes until he left.  The mean mug he was giving us would have made you think that one of us farted in his face or something.  As far as I know, that has never happened.  It was still really cool seeing him though!  I have seen other celebrities and professional athletes before but never any on the same level as Tim Lincecum.  Living in Cleveland I see Drew Carey and Phil Donahue literally every single day.  For instance, I saw Drew Carey leaving a Chuck-E-Cheese yesterday and Mr. Donahue was working his 2nd job as a baker at a Giant Eagle by my house.  Tuley saw Steven King once at a gas station and after he made eye contact with him, he lost 180 lbs that night.  I am usually pretty confident when it comes to meeting celebrities but I felt like a 13 year old Justin Bieber fan that night.  It was so awesome and exciting I almost jizzed in my pants at the bar.  Thinking back on it that probably would have been really weird…for Tim Lincecum, not for me.

So Wrestlemania was this past Sunday and YOU KNOW I ORDERED THAT SHIT!!  Actually a couple of my friends ordered it and had a little watch party.  And by watch party I mean we gave each other figure 4 leg locks, elbow drops, and folding chairs to the back.  I hadn’t watched wrestling in a couple of years but when I was younger I used to go ape shit over that stuff!  I had the t-shirts and the action figures and the tombstone pile drivers I used to hand out for free to my younger sister and any other “jambroni” that wanted one in my neighborhood.  So I was pretty anxious to see how it had changed.  I was suprised to see a lot of the same wrestler’s were in the WWE and was even more suprised to see that “The Miz”, a Cleveland native was the World Champion.  I mean…here I’ve been thinking that we hadn’t won anything as a city since 1948 and The Miz has been walking around with the belt for God only knows how long?!?!  IT’S OVER, WE DID IT!!!!!!!!

OH GOD! WE DID IT!!! THE DROUGHT IS OVER!!!!

Fuck that noise…but the reason I bring up this Wrestlemania speak is because I saw my favorite wrestler of all time who I never even knew existed until this past weekend.  His name is Santino Marella, and I am here today to announce that he has immediately become the official WWe superstar of the Employee of the Month blog.  If you already knew about Santino, then shame on you for not saying anything to me about how awesome he was.  Enjoy…..

Alright well I’m gonna get going.  I want to apologize for it being such a long time since my last post.  I was working on this post on and off for the last two weeks and when I finally had it done it didn’t save any of my work so I had to start over after I destroyed everything in my room.  I promise I will post again in a few days.  In the meantime…a haiku….

TIM LINCECUM PLEASE!!!
I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!!!
Or else…the COBRA!!!!!

One Love!

SELAH

Todays post is brought to you by bat-shit crazy celebrities, and the letter "G".

What up chums? How goes it?  I am sorry I haven’t blogged in a while but I have been really really busy trying to find a job.  I have had a bunch of interviews and have been running around like a mad man (Charlie Sheen).  I have been trying a new interviewing technique where I put the position and company I am applying with in my resume like I am already working there and have been for 3 years.  I think it shows the employer that I am confident in my abilities.  I have yet to get a job but I have a good feeling that my new resume style will pay off big time reeeaaaallll soon!  I suggest all of you guys try it.

Bingo.

So I wanted to get a post in before I hit the road next week.  That’s right, the Employee of the Month is going on a U.S. tour that kicks off next week.  147 cities, 6 months, raping churches, burning women.  I found a part-time/under the table gig that requires me to travel to a bunch of cities all over the country until the end of November.  I won’t get into specifics of the job (dealing drugs) but it is a temporary job until I find something full time and with benefits.  I am really excited about starting though.  My first destination is Phoenix, AZ!!!

Phoenix, AZ!

I love going on road trips, especially to places I have never been before.  I am also a huge dweeb (bringing this word back) and like to research the places I am giong to.  So of course I hit up my local library (wikipedia) the other day and did my homework.  I found out that Phoenix was founded in 1488 by this guy…

Founder of Phoenix, AZ

The city of Phoenix became famous in 1601 when the burrito was invented there.  It also struck gold again in 1602 when the first port-o-potty and the first air freshner were also invented.  Some famous people who call Phoenix, AZ home include Kris Kross,

One of my first cd's ever..."I'm the backwards man, the backwards man! I can walk backwards fast as you can!"

Carrot Top…

What the fuck???

And last but not least, this guy who invented the Shake Weight!

Just 15 minutes a day jerking off a plastic dumbell will get you in the best shape of your life!!!

When a lot of people think of Phoenix, they think of Tovrea Castle.  However a lot of people do not know that Phoenix is also home to the world’s largest ball of pubic hair pulled out of a shower drain…

Located just off Interstate 10!

Anyway, I just wanted to tell all of you guys I will be taking my laptop with me and will be documenting my journeys across this beautiful country.  If any of you guys will be in the Phoenix area next week, feel free to leave me a message which I won’t respond to because I don’t want to go to Arizona to get raped in my B-hole and then have my head chopped off.  But if you do live in the area and recommend any places for me to check out while I am there I would greatly appreciate it.  The same goes for you spammers who still can’t speak good English.  “You want leave message Phoenix balls while laughing.”  That’s more your speak huh? 

Alright well I gotta go and get ready for my interview tomorrow and then for my trip out west next week.  I leave you with a haiku which I am dedicating to the lunatic shell of Rick Vaughn aka Charlie Sheen.  Let me just say that the words that have been coming out of that mans mouth have been gold and I cannot wait to see where Mr. Sheen is in 6 months if he isn’t dead yet.  Keep it up my man!

He’s bat shit crazy,
but he’s also bi-winning.
God Bless you Chuck Sheen!

One Love!

SELAH

Yo!  What is up?!?!?!  I got a good post lined up today, let’s get this shit wet.  First off, I wanna wish Abraham Lincoln a happy belated birthday as you can tell by the title of the post.  “Honest Abe’s” birthday was this past Saturday on February 12th, and although I never personally met him, I happen to be very fond of former President Lincoln.  From everything I have learned, we were very much one in the same.  We are both tall.  We are both proud Americans.  We both prefer to use vinegar as deodrant.  We both like our women like our coffee…with no pubic hair.  The fact is that Abraham Lincoln was a revolutionary president who changed the face of this country forever.  Unfortunately his life was cut short when, contrary to the history books, John Wilkes Booth hammered him in the butt soo much, he died. 

Happy belated 738th birthday Mr. Lincoln. Today, we salute you!

Moving on!  So yesterday one of the most popular game shows in the world decided to spice things up a bit when they brought back the two most successful players in history to play a mega computer.  That’s right, Jeopardy made history yesterday pitting 74 game winner Ken Jennings and the highest financial winner in history, Al Borlan Jr. (that’s not really his name but forgot it, I know it’s not Ken Jennings, and the dude kind of looks like Al Borlan), against a $30 million dollar super computer that has been developed by IBM for the past 5 years.  I’ve watched it the past two nights and I must say, it…is….horse shit. 

Here is a picture of all the parties involved in this game show history. You can see Alex Trebek holding up one finger referring to how many things in this picture that have had sex with a female. Mr. Trebek has pounded so much V it makes Charlie Sheen look like a prude.

So this computer, which is named Watson for some dumb ass reason I don’t know of, is ridiculous.  It’s like Google on steroids.  It’s fast, knows every answer, and is scaring the hell out of me.  I’ve seen “I Robot” and “The Matrix”, I know what this means for the rest of human kind.  You can see the frustration on the human contestants faces as this computer constantly buzzes in before they do and says the answer in that retarded robot voice.  Yesterday, it repeated a wrong answer that Ken Jennings already said and the color of “Watson’s” icon changed to yellow.  I laughed out loud and kept calling it a dummy, and then I got scarred thinking it was going to vaporize all of the humans in the audience with it’s death ray because it got an answer wrong.  Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is the show is really stupid.  The computer is dominate against it’s human counterparts and rightfully so.  But like I said before, it’s like watching Alex Trebek use Google.  Seriously, that is exactly what it’s like.  But instead of Alex looking up porno stuff like 95% of the world, he is looking up stupid shit about former European Kings, Before and After, and Literary Characters.  F@$% that noise.  It would be a lot more interesting if Mr. Trebek Googled while he was drunk, just like back in the 70′s…

On tomorrow’s episode, I hear they are gonna have a “Blogs” category.  I wanna see R2D2 get this one right…

"Answer: Started in July of 2009, this blog features Tuesdays with Tuleys, haikus, boner jokes, and the best 'Where are they now' segments on the internet". BOOM!

And last but CERTAINLY not least, I wanna give an epic shout out to my 1,000,000 blog subscriber.  That’s right txagman_2000, you are my one millionth fan and I want to thank you!  You are at the top of a list that includes Lady Gaga, some guy from Vietnam, and Colon Lou (the guy who hooks me up with discount colonoscopy’s).  This is a big milestone for the blog and you burst right through it!  I want you to know I have always been a big fan of College Station and the 12th man….too bad about that bonfire thing though, that sounded like it was a good time.  In honor of your historic subscription to the blog, I am dedicating today’s haiku to you.

College Station pimp,
Dude loves the unemployed blog.
One Love to Aggies!

 One Love….World!

SELAH

Hi.  What’s going on?!?!  I wanted to start today’s post by defending Taco Bell’s recent allegations of not using “real beef” in their delicious mexican product.  First off…everybody stop.  I am sick and tired of hearing all of the critics come out of the wood work and pretend like they are disgusted with Taco Bell’s ingredients.  Show me one person who has never had a late night out drinking and stumbled into a Taco Bell at 3 am and ordered $42 worth of taco’s, burrito’s, nacho’s, cinnatwist etc., and then gone home and eaten every single last bite of it and I will show you a liar.  Show me one person who has never craved mexican fast food so much that instead of going grochery shopping for the week, they go to their nearest Taco Bell and spend $25 ordering all the meals they will need for the next 7 days, and I will show you a tree hugging communist.  Show me a person who has never read one of those inspirational/funny comments they put on their sauce packets to turn their frown upside down, and I will show you a serial killer. 

HAHAHAHA!!! THAT'S THE RADDEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN!!!

Now Taco Bell’s CEO aka the coolest guy in the world, was quick to rebuttle with this statement he posted yesterday on the company’s website.  Now whether or not the allegations are true, I want to just say that people are stupid.  Who really gives a shit about whether Taco Bell’s beef is 100″% USDA or if it is processed oat parts blah blah blah….all I know is that it’s delicious and it always hits the spot.  I read this saying the other day that said “lock your significant other and your dog in the trunk of your car, wait an hour, open your trunk, and see who is happier to see you.”  That is how my relationship with the Bell is, even if it does give me horrific diarrhea.  Taco Bell is my dawg….a-w-g.  It is always there for me when I am feeling down in the dumps, and that is why I will stand behind it until the end.  If you have’t figured out that our entire society and our entire existence is based around a farce, then you are a dummy.  Everything we eat is processed, everything we’re told in commercials is a lie, and everybody is watching out for their own ass and trying to make an extra dollar.  Deal with it.  I mean, if Taco Bell says that their beef is legit, then I believe them and I am good to go!

Sounds good to me!

I want to address another issue that has been plaguing this country lately.  That’s right, pet squirrels that have their pee holes closed up so they can’t urinate.  This used to be  a rare disease in pet squirrels, however the number of squirrels affected has quadrupled in the last 100 years and now approximately every 1,000 years, 10 squirrels will be affected by this condition.  It hit close to home about 20 or 30 years ago as my great uncle found a baby squirrel in his backyard that had it’s pee hole closed.  The squirrel could not pee because it’s little pee hole was closed up and every time he tried to pee he made a terrible sound that sounded like a baby squirrel with its pee hole closed trying to pee.  My uncle felt obligated to take the little guy under his wing.  He named it Mr. Nutty McAcorns, and when I asked my uncle how he finally got Mr. Nutty to pee, he told me he stuck the squirrels “schwanz” (his exact words) into a shot glass full of salt water every night for 20 minutes.  Eventually, Mr. Nutty McAcorns started peeing like every other squirrel in the woods.  My uncle kept Mr. Nutty for 3 months before re-releasing him back into the wild, but he said that not a day goes by that he thinks about that squirrel and his closed up “schwanz” hole.  

Mr. Nutty McAcorns post-schwanz experiment

This would be the perfect time for one of those NBC psa commercials….

....about squirrels pee holes.

Alright, I’m gonna get out.  A haiku….

To the beef haters,
Go fist yourself you vegans.
Schwanz in a shot glass.

One Love!

SELAH

What up suckas?  I hope you had a good weekend.  This time of year is really a grind for most people.  The holidays are over, everyone has to come back down to earth, and everyone has to deal with the shitty weather and terrible driving.  This time of year really makes or breaks a lot of people especially myself.  But you just got keep telling yourself that March is only a couple of months away.  Unless of course that dickhead groundhog sees his shadow or doesn’t see his shadow…..I don’t know how it f-ing works.  I am convinced that Groundhog day was created by a guy who was deciding on whether or not to go postal on his co-workers and he was so high on crystal meth that he decided to let his fate be decided by a groundhog that he ran over with his F-150.  That thing was totally dead but he still had a shadow, and I think we all know what happened after that.  A little thing I like to call the American Civil War…..

Boom.

Anyway, I wamted to post today to ask all of you guys a question.  Ok, here’s the deal.  I have been going to the gym with my roommate who has unlimited free guest passes for the past several days.  It’s nice too because we go really early in the morning, like at 5 am which is nice because you can get your workout out of the way for the rest of the day and it really wakes you up for your work day/sitting on the couch.  The gym we go to is pretty nice.  There are a ton of different machines so you don’t ever have to wait for anything.  It’s really nice for me because I am training for a half marathon in May so I can always find a treadmill right away.  This place went one step better though, they have two individual rooms for people who want to run/do the eliptical machines/ride stationary bikes.  The rooms are dark which is sweet and relaxing until you try to push the buttons to start the treadmill and have to squint and you look like a 95 year old person trying to dial the telephone with your face 2 and a half inches from the phone.  
Anyway each room has a giant projection screen television that shows something different.  The one room always has ESPN on and the other room always shows a different movie every day.  Well this morning I was making my way into the ESPN dark room when I noticed that the movie “Charlie St. Cloud” was playing in the movie dark room. 

 That movie is a total chick flick and I think Zac Efron is a pedophile pulling off the greatest con in the history of the world.  I don’t give two shits about that movie!  IMDB gave it 1.7 out of 10 stars and one critic said that he would rather “make love to a moving blender” then watch that movie.  The only good thing about that movie is the lead actress who I have a huge crush on.  Her name is Amanda Crew and I love her!

Amanda Crew = insta-boner

Before I continue I just want to say I think Ms. Crew is beautiful and this is going to sound really weird but I think she has the prettiest mouth in Hollywood and I don’t mean that in like a Deliverance “you have a purrdy mouth” way.  There is just something about the way she looks when she talks and how she smiles that drives me crazy.  Ms. Crew, if you are reading this please don’t think I am crazy….and feel free to invite me over to your place for sex.

MAKE EM SAY UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (na na na naaa)  Hellllloooooo!!!!  This is the first post of 2011!!!!!   A NEW YEAR, A NEW ME!!!!!  Haha I have been hearing a lot of people say that a lot lately…I think it is kind of gay to tell you the truth.  Anywho, how was your New Year’s celebrations?!?!  Did you get wild and crazy?  Just like those kids used to on Nickelodeon???

"Lets get Wild n Crazy by trying to represent as many different nationalities as possible with 3 kids!" - Nickelodeon executives

As I mentioned in my last post, I went to Chicago to bring in 2011 and I had a blast!  If you have never been to the Windy City, you need to go.  It’s a cool place man, and it’s really clean!  I mean they have homeless people there too, but most of them are in relationships with other homeless people and they really understand love and sharing of crack rocks.  We were going to go see the Family Matter’s house one day, but never got around to it (that’s one regret I have in my life). 

 It’s not a bad drive from Cleveland which is where I am from.  Although you do have to drive through Indiana which hasn’t really had too much excitement since Larry Bird was born.  If you have never been to Indiana I am going to show you exactly what it looks like.  SPOILER ALERt!!!!

I SHIT YOU NOT!!!  THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ENTIRE STATE LOOKS LIKE!!!  I don’t even know what the hell that thing is!  I predicted that it was a giant sprinkler for a farm, but the more and more I look at it I am thinking that it looks like an animatronic dinosaur skeleton.  That could be true too, because I heard they are looking for locations to shoot Jurassic Park 7 and what screams prehistoric more than Gary, Indiana?!?!  Here’s to hoping you land that gig Indiana…..Christ knows you need it.

So ever since that ball has dropped (New Year’s, not puberty) I have felt like a million bucks!  I really don’t have a care in the world and the job search is coming along nicely.  I am however pretty worried about all of these birds that have been dropping dead in Arkansas and the rest of the dirty. 

No one can explain why it is happening, but there have been like 100,000 birds that have just fallen from the sky and died.  “The man” has been coming up with bull shit explanations like “they were stressed from the holidays” or “they got a hold of some tainted bird seed”.  No one really knows what happened….although I did come across a letter from one of these birds and it is pretty intense…..what follows are it’s last known words.

“To whom it may concern,

If you’re reading this…you already know.  Myself and thousands of my fellow feathered brethren have recently taken our lives.  I am sure all of you humans are freaking out coming up with dumb explanations as to why it happened, or perhaps you think it is a sign from God that you better get your shit together.  Well I am writing you to tell you all that you are full of shit.  What really happened was we staged a mass suicide.  That’s right, we off’ed OURSELVES!  Why you may ask?  Well because we are sick and tired of the way we are portrayed.  For years we have scrutinized and mocked because we have small brains and our poop is white.  ‘OOOOOH LET’S MAKE A GIANT YELLOW BIRD WHO IS 11 FEET TALL, CAN TALK, LOVES KIDS, AND POOPS NORMAL COLORS!’  Way to go Sesame Street!  You didn’t think you offended anyone with that now did ya?!?!

Big Bird is a cocksucker!

Or you…you God forsaken computer nerds!  ‘OOOOH, LET’S MAKE A DUMB ASS COMPUTER GAME WHERE BIRDS AND PIGS ARE AT WAR AND PEOPLE CAN JUST SLING SHOT BIRDS INTO THE PIGS AND THE BIRDS CAN DO DIFFERENT THINGS BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL JUST FAT AND STUPID AND FAT ANYWAY!’  That’s right Angry Birds…GO FIST YOURSELF!!!

YOU WANNA KNOW WHO IS ANGRY?!?!?!  Forget it…it’s not worth it anymore.  You’ll see.  I hope you are all happy with yourselves.  It’s time for this sweet prince to say goodbye.  Peace out bitches!

Go fist yourself,

Colonel Tailfeather”

That’s crazy stuff man.  Those birds did have it rough and I never even realized it.  That is why I want to take a moment to tell you that if you or a bird you know is suffering from depression, please take the time to listen and get them some help by contacting C.A.W. or the Center for Air-animals Well-being.  Bird depression is serious, don’t be a jerk.

Alright that’s all I got for today.  Stay tuned as I am going to document my attempt to get a job from the Cleveland Cavaliers by talking like a radio personality.  A haiku….

Windy City fun,
Urkel fucked that city up,
Birds from a feather….

One Love!

SELAH

What up sucka’s?!?!  I hope you guys had a Merry Christmas and I wish you the best in 2011.  This is going to be my last post for the year 2010.  The week between Christmas and New Years is always a weird week for me.  I am always looking for signs and shit like that.  You know what I mean?  Like stupid stuff too….like I have been sick for the last couple of days and I think to myself “that sickness is really all of the bad parts of 2010 trying to leave your body before the new year!”  That’s the gayest shit I ever heard.  I never knew this until a couple of years ago but apparently there are a bunch of superstitions that people practice  on New Year’s Eve to bring in good luck.  Like the one I know of is that its bad luck to eat chicken on New Years day.  I don’t really believe in superstitions and witchcraft, I believe that you make your own luck.  But I’ll tell you what, two years ago I ate chicken on New Year’s Day and it led to the worst year of my life.  All within like a 90 day period my girlfriend broke up with me, I got laid off from my job, and we had to put my dog to sleep.  The breakup and the job thing were bad, but putting my dog to sleep was a giant kick to the balls from Andre the Giant.  Never again will I eat chicken on New Years day.  According to scopes.com, another New Year’s day superstition is that the first person through your door in the new year should be tall, dark haired, and handsome and should bring a present like some salt.  Well sorry folks, but I am going to Chicago to bring in 2011 so I won’t be able to do that…..ZING!!!  Who the hell thinks salt is a present?!?!  If I ever got salt as I present I would throw it in the persons face like those mexican wrestlers do all the time.  GET THAT CORN OUT OF MY FACE!!!

So speaking of Chicago, I have never been but am really excited about the trip.  I really wanna go to the Sears Tower while I am there.  I don’t know why but I have a thing for sky skrapers.  Maybe it’s because they look like giant boners and that makes me laugh.  Anyway, I was looking into how I could get to the top of the building just to see how the view was.  Well apparently they made this whole attraction out of the top floor and they have these glass boxes that stick out from the building like 4 feet!

FUCK THAT NOISE!!!

 Thats some crazy stuff right there!  It would be scary but I would definitely do it.  In fact I would wait until there was a bunch of people on there and start jumping up and down while yelling “EARTHQUAKE TEST!!!”  They say those things can handle like 5 tons of weight, either way I would start freaking out if someone was on that thing with me and they started jumping up and down.

Thats wild!

So I was watching tv the other night and this movie came on and I am not sure what it was but I have been thinking about it ever since and I felt like I should share it with all of you to see if any of you know what it is?  I’m pretty sure it’s a documentary about the history of gingers.  The main character was a ginger and everyone made fun of him and his only friends were blind people…..pretty much the day to day of a regular ginger.  Anyway, it was the funniest movie I have ever seen but I just don’t know what the name of it is.  I did find this picture of it online, someone please help me figure out what it is.

Disgusting...

No matter what 2011 has in store for me, my hatred of gingers will remain the same.  Alright guys thats all I got for today and for 2010.  I hope you guys all have a great new years and I will see you on the other side!  One last haiku for 2010…..

Balls drop Friday night,
Mine dropped 13 years ago.
Happy New Year Chums!

One Love!

SELAH

And now on with the show!

How ya’ll doin???  I figured I start the post off with some kick ass punk rock from The Living End today to warm up all of you readers out there.  It’s f-ing cold out huh?!?!  Well I was watching one of my favorite movies from my childhood the other day…Little Giants.

I’m not going to go into a description of the movie because if you haven’t seen it you are not a person in my eyes and you can go fist yourself.  Anyway, I remember hearing something a couple of months ago about how one of the main characters in the movie, Becky “Ice Box” O’Shea has actually made a soft core porno a couple of years ago.  So needless to say, I happily accepted the investigative challenge of finding out what I could.  The first thing I found out is that Ice Box name is Shawna Waldron and she is hot now…like really hot!

Ice Box "before" pic

"Ice Box" new nickname should be "Boner Maker"

The second thing I confirmed is that she was in a movie in 2008 called “Poison Ivy” and it wasn’t necessarily a soft core porno, however there was a very explicit sex scene in the movie.  Using my I-Team skills, I watched the scene just to confirm it was her….and it is!  You can see the clip here and see just how “daddy’s little fullback” grew up and is now taking snaps in her tight end.  She is really picking up the blitz under center if you know what I mean.  The other teams little giants are really plugging her hole on 4th and inches if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.  She played a part as a football player 16 years ago and is now having hot sex on camera is what I’m trying to say.

Anyway, I am completely off topic now.  The reason I brought all of that up is because as I was watching the movie and doing all of that Ice Box research, I thought to myself….what is everyone else from this movie doing?  Where are they now?!?!

Where are the rest of the Little Giants now?

Now I am not going to get into the obvious ones.  For example, Ed O’Neil aka Al Bundy is on this show on ABC.  I have never seen it but I guess it is pretty funny and after hearing that, I will never watch it.  Rick Moranis has been in and out of the biz for the last couple of years, but he is currently filming “Honey I Shrunk the Kid that I Blew Up, So He is Normal Size Now and Everything is Cool” which is due out sometime in Spring 2012. 

Here is a still shot from "Honey I Shrunk the Kid That I Blew Up, So He is Normal Size Now and Everything is Cool." Should be a must see!

We know those guys are doing fine, but what about the kids?  What are they up to you may ask?  Well you all will remember “Spike”, the huge all star pee wee football player who played for Al Bundy’s Cowboys?

"Spike don't play football with girls!" - Spike Hammersmith

Well apparently Spike was asked by the director of the Little Giants to put on 45 lbs of muscle for his role.  Being 12 years old and weighing 85 lbs, the only thing Spike knew that would work was to get on the juice.  As you all know the United States has very lax laws conscerning performance enhancing drug testing for minors.  After the success of the Little Giants, Spike’s head only got bigger.  He continued referring to himself in 3rd person and continued injecting himself with 3 different kinds of anabolic steroids and a low grade horse tranquilizer.  When he was 17 he got into the roller derby scene and quickly became the sports most dominating “jammer”.

"BIGGER FASTER STRONGER AHHHHHHHH!!!! THIS IS HOW I MOW MY LAWN MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!"

Unfortunately, Spike was eventually caught with his steroids and received a lifetime ban from the Roller Derby World Federation.  Word on the streets is that he is currently working on a book called “Spike Don’t Get Why Steroids Are Illegal” but is still in the business of distributing steroids. 

Everyone remembers Ice Box’s crush in the movie, Junior Floyd aka Junior.

Junior Floyd ladies and gentleman

Everyone remembers how all of the girls loved Junior!  He was the star quarterback, he had dreamy blue eyes, and he was just a care free spirit.  That is why everyone was shocked to hear after the movie was finished that Junior had developed a relationship with this fellow cast member….

Jake Berman ladies and gentleman

Others on set were absolutely shocked at the news.  Rick Moranis was quoted as saying “HOLY FUCKING SHIT!”.  Needless to say, the couple was happy and remain life partners to this day.  The couple moved to Santa Monica, CA and are die hard fans of the Austin Powers movie series.  In fact, in 2006 they opened up a flower shop in Santa Monica called “Austin Flowers” that sells only Austin Powers themed bouquets.  The shop was so fucking stupid that it closed 3 months later and the twos whereabouts are unknown as of today.

Rudy Zolteck was best remembered as the chubby lineman who loved cheetos and ripping farts in the huddle (its latin for circle!). 

Rudy Zolteck ladies and gentleman

Rudy Zolteck was up for the role of Goldberg in the Mighty Ducks but lost out because he wasn’t jewish enough.  He took the news hard and was determined to change his life.  He decided to get gastric bypass surgery at the age of 15.  At 17, he weighed 90 lbs and began traveling across the country doing motivational speeches. 

"YYYYOOOOUUUUU RRRRAAAANNNNGGGGGG?!?!" - Rudy Zolteck. Zolteck is still touring the country and you can catch his seminar, "The Little Giant Inside Me" coming to a convocation center near you.

 He was making $30,000 per appearance but was disappointed that the people attending his seminars were only there to hear him say “YYYOOOOUUUUUU RRRAAANNNNGGGGGG????”  He is rich as hell today and splits his time between his houses in Milan, Barcelona, and New York.  He does still rip horrific farts and is still single.

Johnny Venaro was probably the one character in the Little Giants that really wrenched everybody’s hearts.  Johnny was the kid who was a mediocre football player, but he wanted his dad to see him score a touchdown more than anything else in the world which was hard because his dad was always away on business, also known as his dad was cheating on his mom. 

Johnny Vennaro ladies and gentleman

 On the set, Johnny was a prick.  Everybody hated him.  Apparently he pissed in Al Bundy’s machioto one day.  He would constantly snap Ice Box’s bra strap, and he gave Rick Moranis a wedgie every 15 minutes.  On screen Johnny was shy, quiet, and lovable.  The director was sick and tired of everyone complaining to him about Johnny.  That is why the director made him do his own stunt on the kickoff of the big game.  As you recall, Johnny was kicked square in the penis and was “holding a pound of Aunt Betty’s nut-butter” as the announcer so kindly put it.  Well a lot of people don’t realize that really happened!  At the last minute, the director pulled the stuntman and told the kicker to “end his (Johnny) career”.  Well that is exactly what happened.  Johnny actually had to have both of his testicles removed after that stunt the director pulled.  Being 11 years old, Johnny was devastated by the constant ridicule he received.  His life was spinning out of control before he reached high school.  In a desperation act, Johnny sued the shit out of Warner Bros. who distributed the movie.  After a long, drawn out trial, the court awarded Johnny $10 million dollars for physical and emotional distress.  Johnny was thrilled and with his winnings, he purchased a set of gold testicles……

AND controlling stock in the restaurant chain Planet Hollywood.  Johnny got his confidence back, however that dickhead couldn’t run a restaurant for shit and as you all know Planet Hollywood’s went out of business like 50 years ago.  Johnny is homeless these days living on the streets of Chicago.  All he has left is his Planet Hollywood hat, his Planet Hollywood letterman’s jacket, a signed picture of Bruce Willis in Die Hard, and his gold balls. 

What's your dad think of you now Johnny???

Everyone remembers the kid who came up with the “Annexation of Puerto Rico”.  Well he found his calling with analyzing football and grew up to become John Clayton, NFL Football analyst for ESPN.

Of course that’s not the entire cast, but I am still working on investigating the other members.  I will keep you posted with what I find in the future.  That’s all folks.  My butt itches so I’m gonna go drag my ass on the carpet to try and make it stop.  I’m gonna try to get at least one more post in before Christmas so stay tuned!  I leave you with a haiku….

Ice Box doin porn,
Spikes last name is Hammersmith.
Best movie ever.

One Love!

SELAH