shirt bling (as defined by the k. hrubey dictionary): verbjective, noun, adnoun; owning more than one shirt for any type of occasion. ex. “Let’s wear a differnt uniform for softball tonight…..let’s show off our shirt bling!”
Speaking of “shirt bling” and softball, we had a game tonight in our Parma Monday-Wednesday league. We played the bag of mashed up ass-holes, also known as “who gives a shit Engineering Connection”. They beat us 12-10 in a meaningless game where thankfully not one of their players broke a hip/went into cardiac arrest. We failed to put up 24 F-ING runs in the first inning like we did the last time we played these d-bags, but they still liked to talk a lot of hot mess even though we already clinched the regular season, and I will take full responsibility for our loss this evening. The reason is because ever since I was laid off in February, the softball gods got together with the “go fist yourself gods” and decided that every softball team I play on this year can……well, can go fist themselves. Sorry fellas, this ones on me! The highlight of my David Delluci-like season was last Friday when I played in my first ever co-ed softball game. I went 0-4 and got robbed in my last at bat by a he/she playing right field wearing her glove on the wrong hand. She tripped into the gap and the ball landed in her mitt…she got up and said, “when is ’16 and Pregnant’ on this week?!?!?!” That game dropped my season average to .137, and somewhere the softball gods and the go fist yourself gods are doing shots of jaeger and making fun of how my swing now looks like a cackle of monkeys humping a doorknob.
After the game, a good friend of mine and I decided to go to a local watering hole to enjoy a couple of sports drinks. Little did we know that tonight was “Useless Trivia” night at the bar. I walked half way into the trivia when I heard the question, “How much money did the United States make off of tourism is 2005?” I thought long and hard about this question, and with 30 seconds left to answer I realized that the question was for 2005!!!! 2005, “you mean after 9/11??? BOOOOOOO!!!!” I only knew the statistics from 2006 on, I was completely thrown off guard!!! I went with my initial gut instinct and wrote down the answer “Who gives a shit???” and turned it in. Needless to say, I was hardly disappointed when the trivia host revealed the answer was $81 billion dollars. I reiterated how I believed the answer was “who gives a shit” but the trivia host was a stalwart and insisted that I stop arguing, get down off of the bar, and stop screaming “Michael Jackson was a saint!!!” The one thing about being laid off is that I really start to put things into perspective. I have a lot of free time on my hands, but at the same time, I hate being around things that waste my time. For example….reality tv, renaissance fairs, and basket weaving can all go straight to hell. You can now add “useless trivia” to that list as well.
Apparently, the host of the trivia at the sports drink bar was organizing a trip to go see a rapper later on in the month. Now my hearing isn’t what it was 5 minutes ago, but I am pretty sure it was a trip to go see “Lil Blayne”. I have never heard of Lil Blayne, but I went to high school with a guy named Blayne, and I am not sure what he is up to now but as far as I can recall, he was trying to get into the music industry. It was either the music industry, or hunting terrorists….I can’t remember. I have to check with my friend Caitlin because she is still great friends with him, but I think he was coming out with a song called “Ah Billy” which is a tribute to the SOLE reason for Hannah Montana’s success, Billy Ray Cyrus. It’s crazy how you can lose touch with some people so easily….
A wiser man than me once said, “all men eat, but Fu Manchu.” Facial hair jokes are good! One love!