Day 171: Tuesday with Tuley!!!

Well it’s Tuesday and since the first two letters of my name are T-U, that means I get to do whatever I want today. I do have an interview with now former Indians masher Ryan Garko, but before I go any further I would like wish all the luck in the world to The Employee of the Month as he ventures out on his big job interview today! We are all behind you, Hubs (not literally, it’s just a metaphor), and we know you will be great! Plus if this corrupt Police chief does not hire you as one of his officers, I will send an anonymous letter to Carl Monday saying that he sleeps on the job or hangs out in libraries or something. Carl Monday will publicly embarrass that guy and kill both his career and reputation. Because that’s what Carl Monday does. In short, good luck today Hubs!

Now as you may or may not know, the Cleveland Indians made a move last night by trading First Baseman Ryan Garko to San Francisco for a pitcher. Due to the connections I have since I write for this blog, I was able to spend 10 minutes with Garko at his favorite Cleveland joint, Christie’s Cabaret. Here’s what he had to say in between dances:

"What?!?!  I got traded?!?!?!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

"What?!?! I got traded?!?!?! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Tuley:    Hey Ryan, thanks for taking some time away from the stage to talk with me.

Garko:    No problem, Tuley. I just got news of the trade and am gettin a little routy before I head out of town.

Tuley:    Understandable. So, how’d you take the news?

Garko:    Well I’m at a stripclub, drinking Red Stripe, and I’m about to make it rain…..I’m good.

Tuley:    You’re gonna make it rain?! What are you gonna throw – 10s, 20s, 50s…..cause I know a guy whose out of a job and could use the cash.

Garko:    Nope. I brought 90 rolls of quarters. I’m gonna go upstairs and rain ’em down onto the lower level, should be good.

Tuley:    Rolls of quarters?!?! Be careful dude, you could really injure somebody doing that.

Garko:    Don’t give a shit – I’m on the next plane out to Cali..

Garko was making it rain like Scrooge McDuck

Garko was making it rain like Scrooge McDuck

Tuley:    True. I guess that’s just as good as fleeing the country.

Garko:    Hey, seeing as how both of our first names are Ryan, do you know what the name means?

Tuley:    First off superstar, I’m asking the questions here, not you. But yes,  it means Little King.

Garko:    Nope. Little King.

Tuley:    Yeah that’s what I said. Anyways, did you or did you not rape that woman that said you did?

Garko:    WHAT?!

Tuley:    Yeah….that woman that’s suing you……….she said you forced yourself onto her in a hotel room…………over a year ago.

Garko:    I think you have me confused. That story is about Ben Roethlisberger, not me.

Tuley:    Shit man! I try to conduct a good interview and these are the notes this low-budget blog supplies me with! Unbelievable.
Garko:    Yeah man, that’s messed up. I never forced myself onto anybody. Not even Serenity or Chastity over there…

Tuley:    Yeah that’s our bad, I think the kid who produces our interviews, Manute II, was rented from the Congo. I’ll get in his face and yell at him to make sure it never happens again. Hey, I don’t mean to sound like a jerk but I’m kinda stoked that we traded you, seeing as how we got Tim Lincecum in return.

Garko:    No you didn’t.

Tuley:    ((DAMMIT! MANUTE II, HOW HARD IS TO LEARN SOME FREAKING ENGLISH?! ? YOU’VE BEEN HERE FOR 11 DAYS NOW, GET IT TOGETHER OR IT’S BACK TO THE THIRD WORLD YOU GO!))
hey which of your teammates are you going to miss the most?

Garko:    Probably Ben Fran. We’ve played together since high school, u know. I’ll miss him for sure. Especially now that there’s a black president and all.

"GARKO COME BACK!!!  WHO WILL MAKE MY HEAD ALL WRINKLED NOW?!?!?!"

"GARKO COME BACK!!! WHO WILL MAKE MY HEAD ALL WRINKLED NOW?!?!?!"

Tuley:    Right….Yeah that’s gotta be tough tho, I know you guys go back. Hey I hear both of you a lot on Jim Rome’s radio show, have you heard from Romie at all yet?

Garko:    Yeah he texted me and said “Keep yo head up shawty.”

Tuley:    No he didn’t…

Garko:    Yeah you’re right, he just said something about Bombay Sapphire, two olives, don’t drink three…..something along those lines.

Tuley:    Yeah I know that’s Rome’s drink. Anyways, I’d like to share my favorite memory of you as an Indian. It was after you guys beat the Yankees to go to the ALCS in ’07. In the clubhouse celebration following the victory, the cameras caught a shot of you shotgunning two Bud Heavy’s at once. It was less than a two second clip, but nonetheless, it stuck with me.

Garko:    Yeah that’s what I do. I bet this chump in A ball that they got for me, he can’t do that shit!

Tuley:    Yeah you’re right! I don’t know who this minor leaguer is but I already don’t like the guy.

Garko:    Do you like to party, Tuley?

Tuley:    Once again, I’m asking the questions here, Big Timer. I’m not the second lead writer on this blog for nothing. But yeah, I like to get down. They did a story on me last week and asked the same question, showed the picture of my stapled up dome and all.

Yes Garko, Tuley likes to party....

Yes Garko, Tuley likes to party....

Garko:    wow that’s pretty bad ass.

Tuley:    Well……

Garko:    Hey you should come out to Cali sometime and party. We’ll shoot down to LA and hit up some real hot spots.

Tuley:    Ohhh man!! That would be so cool! I’m really gonna miss you in Cleveland, man. It sucks you gotta leave now..

Garko:    Are you crying?!

Tuley:    n…no….no….i’m not….i’m……ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh man it hurts so bad!!!!!

Garko:    Dude, you gonna be ok man? I mean, we don’t even really know each other that much. Should I grab a tissue for you?

Tuley:    ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Garko:    dude, c’mon man, it’s gonna be fine. Get off the ground and stop crying.

Tuley:    I……I……I wasn’t crying. We’ll edit that out. Hubler will know what to do.

Garko:    Right.

Tuley:    Ok man, I gotta go, I gotta go.

Garko:    Alright Tuley, pick yourself up man. I appreciate you being the source that allowed me to speak to the public about the trade. I read in a previous post where Hubler mentioned he had over 1 million views, so I’m glad my story will be read by a population almost that’s almost twice the size of Cleveland.

Tuley:    Right…… Hey, best of luck out in San Fran. I’m confident it’s you guys we’ll be playing in the world series.

Garko:    Right…………ok man, be good. Thanks alot.

R.I.P. Garko, 2005 - 2009

R.I.P. Garko, 2005 - 2009

Well there you have the ten minutes I spent with Garko. I hope this brought some closure for all of his fans out there. There’s only room for one Ryan in this town anyway. Chew on this for the remainder of the day: A guy rides into town on a horse. He arrives on Friday, stays two days, and leaves on Friday. How did he do it?

Thanks for reading, and if you missed last Tuesday’s post, you should scan down and read that. It was better than this one. God bless!

Editors note: Tuley asked that the following video be played in memory of Ryan Garko’s time in Cleveland.


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