Day 185: Tuesdays with Tuley!

I received an email from Tuley this morning, and apparently he is under the weather and called off of work.  However, being the trooper that he is, he still managed to reach out to me and provide his two cents for the day that is known as “Mardi” in France.  Now I am no doctor, but Tuley definitely has Swine Flu and may be out of commission for a week or two, or forever if his health care really sucks.

After drinking a bottle of Jose Cuervo at the petting zoo, Tuley has no idea how he got Swine Flu.

After drinking a bottle of Jose Cuervo at the petting zoo, Tuley has no idea how he got Swine Flu.

Below is some surveillance footage from the Boston Red Sox front office after they stole Victor Martinez from the tribe about a week and a half ago.  Major league baseball is pretty cutthroat…..

As all of you know by now, yesterday I had my polygraph test for a potential job that I have been in the running for for some time now.  However, many of you don’t know that one of Tuley’s hobbies is giving free polygraph test in the basement of his house in return for packs of socks.  A couple of months ago, just for shits and gigs, he decided to hook me up and ask me a couple of questions.  Below is an excerpt from our polygraph test session.

Tuley: If you were married to Oprah and never had to work again (no pun), what would you do all day?

Without a doubt, I would continue writing the Employee of the Month blog on a daily basis.  I would use the popularity of my wife Oprah to get over 10 billion hits a day, and I would soon be referred to the Yaweh of the Internet.  I would make a computer, keyboard, and computer chair out of 24k gold with diamond encrusted keys and arm rests, and people would flock to me just to watch my Youtube videos and kiss my feet.

If you could have a night of drinking with any five people, dead or alive, who would they be and why?

#1.  Ulysses S. Grant.  He is no longer alive, but was once the 18th President of the United States.  According to some research I did,”His drinking seems to have been brought on by boredom. In other words, when he wasn’t busy, he drank.”  When the Civil War came along in 1926, he continued to drink and became a war hero while he was wasted.  I would love to have a drink with that guy.

"Mr. Grant, the camera is over here you drunk!"

"Mr. Grant, the camera is over here you drunk!"

#2.  John Daly.  I really believe that I was John Daly in another life.  He loves chicken wings, diet coke, golf, and whiskey.  The fact that he is a professional golfer and shot a 10 on a par 5 a couple of weeks ago is so appealing.  I would love to play a round of golf with him while sippin on some diet coke and Jack, and then afterwards we could smash some Hooters chicken wings while I listen to him play acoustic guitar in a shitty manner.

#3. John Belushi.  Now don’t get me wrong, I would like to have one drink with this guy, but there is no way in hell I would try to outdrink him.  I think he was a comedian way ahead of his time, and I can never forget the scene in Animal House where he chugs a whole bottle of JD in like 10 seconds. I don’t want to do that, but I want to hang out with him and here some of his original material.

This will not happen.

This will not happen.

#4.  Ghandi.  I think deep down inside of that little man from India is a guy just dying for a drink.  I would picture him as a margarita kind of guy, so I would put on my best bed sheet, and hang with Ghandi while we sipped on some margarita’s and talked about civil disobedience.

#5.  Josh Hamilton.  I am a big Josh Hamilton fan, and he just recently moved into my top 5 after he “wandered” of the righteous path for a brief round of body shots with some early 20’s co-eds.  I really respect how he owned up to everything right away, and I don’t think one night out is that bad, but I am also not a recovering alcoholic so what would I know.  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be the guy to put “Hambone” back on the bottle, but I just wish I could have been at that bar doing body shots…..Jesus saves Josh, Jesus saves!

OH MY GOD!!!  WELCOME TO #5 ON MY LIST JOSH!  MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME!

OH MY GOD!!! WELCOME TO #5 ON MY LIST JOSH! MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME!

Please elaborate on your make-out session with Ashley Tisdale that glorious night at local watering hole, The Upper Deck.

It is true that one night this past spring, I met Ashley Tisdale from High School Musical fame at a local pub.  I walked up to her and commented on how I thought her vocals on “We’re All In This Together” were like listening to an angel sing.  Next thing I know, my tounge is going down AT’s throat like a high school kid walking across the stage at graduation, and the rest is history.  We never saw each other again….but we will always have that night at The Upper Deck.

If you were to pull me over for speeding in a school zone or for smuggling some Cuban’s into the country, how would that go?

As a man of the law, I would be forced to give you a ticket either way for speeding in a school zone or for smuggling Cuban’s into the country.  However, if you were speeding in a school zone WHILE smuggling Cuban’s into the country, my hands would be tied and you would be free to go.  A lot of people don’t know that school zone’s are actually considered “international waters” so no one can ticket/prosecute/execute anyone for doing anything illegal in them, except for speeding.  Speeding tickets have diplomatic immunity all over the world, it’s like math.

Which skills and advice would you take from Officer Burke if he offered it?  (Officer Burke is a police officer that we have been friends with for many years).

I think the only advice I would ask for would be, “when getting ready to taze somebody, do you aim for the face?  Or do you aim for the testicles?”  I might also ask “when is it ok to fire warning shots in the air?  Like if I see a kid runing with scissors…can I just fire a couple rounds off straight up in the air to let him know that what he is doing is dangerous and to let others around him know that he is out of control?”

That is just a little taste of the behind the scenes polygraph tests that Tuley likes to administer.  Of course, I passed with flying colors, and if Tuley was hiring someone, I might not have this blog today.  But that’s not how things have worked out, and instead I now leave you with the words One Love!

SELAH


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