It’s that time of year again! That’s right folks, the start of the NFL season is just around the corner, and today Tuley and I would like to break down the NFC and AFC races for you this year. Tuley is in charge of the NFC, and I am in charge of the AFC. I will get things started with my predictions and observations for the AFC this year.
I will start with the AFC North because not only does it include “America’s team”, the Cleveland Browns, it also includes the defending Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers. The Browns look to rebound this year after a 2008 season that hardly lived up to expectations. Al Lerner did this by cleaning house and hiring a new GM and a head coach named Eric Manginey. Mr. Manginey doesn’t know how to choose a starting quarterback, and the Browns will definitely have the #1 overall pick next season. The Steelers suck ass again and Ben Rothlisberger has rape allegations on the back burner this year. Everyone hates Mike Tomlin except for Tony Dungy and Al Sharpton, and their field is still named after ketchup. The Cincinnati Bengals look to avoid the “Hard Knocks” curse as they are the featured team in this season of HBO’s series about training camps. Carson Palmer still looks like he has absolutely no idea where he is at, although he is still a good quarterback. The Bengals drafted one of my favorite college players in Ray Maualagugagagagalal, but they went and totally f’ed that up by signing Carson Palmers younger brother who doesn’t even have a name. Everyone’s favorite team of convicts is back in the Baltimore Ravens. Ray Lewis is looking to dance like a fool before the games while Joe Flacco tries not to look any more like Bert from Bert and Ernie. They should be tough, but damn does Joe Flacco look like Bert. My prediction for the AFC North this season is…
Next up, the AFC South. The Tennessee Titans franchise really took a moral shot to the head this off season as they lost their former quarterback Steve McNair to a lover’s quarrel. They look to honor his memory by building off of a stellar season in 2008 when they finished like 13-3 but failed to go anywhere in the playoffs. It looks like yet another quarterback battle in Nashville though as Jeff Fisher needs to decide on the drunk, n-bomb dropping Kerry Collins, or the other crazy quarterback in Vince Young who has started his “Young for the Hall of Fame” campaign. God only knows what the Jacksonville Jaguars are up to, but we do know that Matt Jones is “injured” and not with the team right this moment.
Big questions arose in the off-season for the Indianapolis Colts as their head coach Tony Dungy retired to help Michael Vick find a job, they released Marvin Harrison, and like every single assistant coach they had tried to retire because all of their savings were going down the crap hole with everything else in this country. Peyton Manning is a great quarterback, but I swear to God if I have to see another DirecTV commercial with “horse face” and his idiot millionaire brother I am going to shoot myself in the face! The Houston Texans will probably look to ruin the career of another quarterback, and will also probably finish in last place in their division. I do wanna give mad props for them drafting Mario Williams over Reggie Bush a couple of years ago. My AFC South prediction is….
Next up we have the AFC East which has really been the Patriots division to lose for almost 1o years now. I will go out on a limb >sarcasm< and say that the division will probably shape up like that again this year. Tom Brady is back and is still my #1 choice to play me in a movie about my life. The Patriots also added Fred Taylor to their backfield to complement the other 15 running backs they have. The Buffalo Bills have joined in one of the greatest social experiments of all time as they signed T.O. to see if he can mingle with Canadians. My prediction is no, and Buffalo will not have a franchise in 2010. Instead, the team will move to Las Vegas and become the Las Vegas Siegfried and Roy Gay White Tigers. The New York Jets drafted Mark Sanchez with their first round pick. I don’t know how their team is going to be, but that kid will thrive in New York and will be like a real life version of Vinny Chase living in NYC. Good for you douche! It’s like that song by the Gin Blossoms, “Hey Jealousy”. The Miami Dolphins look to surprise again this year after they had the biggest win turnaround in the history of win tournarounds. I really like this team because they use the Wildcat offense, have Chad Henne as a backup quarterback, and have Jake Long at left tackle. I truly believe that the Dolphins can win this division this year, but it won’t be easy. My predictions are…
And last and CERTAINLY least is the AFC West. The AFC West is like the genital herpes of the NFL. Year in and year out they have the most overrated players, the worst ownership (Al Davis), and the weakest football played out of any other division in my opinion. Every year is the same, and then once the season is over this division disappears for a couple of months and you think “Hey I will never see that division again!” and then August rolls around and it flares up again, and you have to decide whether or not LT is gonna shit the bed in San Diego again or if you should use your 2nd round fantasy pick to take him. San Diego will most likely win the division because they are the only team with a competent quarterback in Philip Rivers, although he needs to stop talking shit to the other teams in the middle of the game. God only knows what LT is gonna do, but you can guarantee he will do that stupid ass endzone dance everytime he manages to find the endzone. The Denver Broncos suck ass, and added “Neckbeard” Kyle Orton to be their starting quarterback. The only quarterback I would ever want this guy to play would be for my “Jack Daniels drinking team” which doesn’t exist, or to play Keanu Reeves character from “The Replacements” in the Broadway musical rendition, which means he shouldn’t be an NFL quarterback.
The Kansas City Chiefs got rid of Herm Edwards last season and picked up Matt Cassel in the off season. This should be one of the more interesting stories to follow this season as they put a lot of their eggs in that basket. I hate the Raiders, I hate Al Davis, and I hate Sebastian Janikowski. I refuse to write anything about their team. My predictions are as follows…
My playoff team are the Steelers, Ravens, Chargers, Dolphins, Patriots, and Titans. I see the Dolphins f-ing the mind of every D-coordinator in the league and making it to the Superbowl! Tuley….your thoughts on the NFC???
Chicago Bears – Jay Cutler and Brian Urlacher will not be super bowl shuffling in ’09. However Jim Mcmahon and William “The Refrigerator” Perry will continue to be “so bad we know we’re good, blowin your mind like we knew we would.”
Fantasy Player to Watch: Al Afalava. This guy’s position on the Bears official roster is listed as SAF, which according to my colleague means Singapore Armed Forces, where he played his college ball. All I know is that this guy is obviously a hybrid between ALF, Alfalfa from The Little Rascals, and lava (like magma). If he gets the chance to eat the cat or kiss Darla Hood, he really could erupt this season!
Detroit Lions- Matt Stafford is in like touch screen phones. Out is pride, which is kind of ironic, very cliché, and incredibly stupid. (For you slow learners out there, Lions travel in Pride’s………and the Detroit Lions went 0-16 last year so their fans have no pride) Let this be a lesson in life: When at a loss of words, throw out a cliché. Anyways prize Quarterback Matt Stafford is getting hot chicks drunk and the lions haven’t won a game since a white boy was president. Whoever said, “You gotta take the Lions on Thanksgiving” is a person of incredible idiocy. I always say that and I’m an idiot so there you go. Lions go 16-0 this year on the back of Jim Schwartz, one of mine and the EOTM’s favorite names of all-time (Gym Shorts). Fantasy player to watch: Ryan Kees, DE. This guy played at a school called St. Cloud State. And there you have your 0-16. I like him though. And dammit do I respect St. Cloud State.
Green Bay Packers- Well if they played the Cleveland Browns every week, they’d go 16-0 and never give up a touchdown the whole season. Basically they’d be the greatest team ever. And you know what? I’m gonna get in on that action (that’s what she said). The 2009 Green Bay Packers will be the greatest team ever assembled…………………………..except for the ’09 Detroit Lions because I picked them to go 16-0, you heard it here first, and these two teams play in the same division. Fantasy Player to Watch: AJ Hawk, LB. Only because he’s one of my favorite college football players of all time. And he bangs Brady Quinn’s sister, and if she looks anything like Brady, well………..
Minnesota Vikings- Whoever thought Tavaris Jackson was gonna be an All-Pro NFL Quarterback better be unemployed somewhere writing for his blog. This guy is terrible. Anyways, Brett Favre will come in and save the day, then retire, then come in and save the day, then……well, you know how this goes. If they make Adrian Peterson carry the ball 80 times per game, and can put Visanthe Shiancoe’s crank on the O-Line they have a chance to steal this division from the two greatest teams of all-time. Fantasy player to watch: Chester Taylor, RB. When A. Pete breaks his leg, you’ll be in line for fantasy glory my friend. You heard it here first.
Atlanta Falcons- Ever since Mr. Scott Hubler left Atlanta, the entertainment in this city has gone down the chute. Mike Vick errrrrrrrr Ron Mexico drowned and electrocuted dogs, T.I.’s in jail, and the Braves released Tom Glavine. Tom Glavine!!! Anyways, Kenny Powers revived the city for a minute but eventually even he was told, “YOUR FUCKIN’ OUT!” Matt Ryan aka Matty Ice looked as good as any rookie QB has ever, and they added Tony Gonzalez, but when will Mr. Hubler make his much anticipated return to the ATL? Show me Scott Hubler, and I’ll show you a winner Atlanta. Fantasy player to watch: Jamaal Anderson, DE. Apparently he’s back. I didn’t know the inventor of “The Dirty Bird” was back as a Defensive End, but I guess that cocaine conviction worked out for him in the end.
Carolina Panthers- Now I really like the Panthers. I’m a big fan of the Carolina’s geographically and really like the color scheme. I understand that sounds very female sports fan of me, but hey, when in rome….Anyways, the Panthers bring back the exact same roster for the 8th year in a row but somehow this is the year it all works out. Fantasy Player to Watch: Marlon Favorite, DT. Anybody whose last name is Favorite is a guy I’m picking to have a great season. It raises the age-old question, “If you took a trip to Maine and met a guy who became your best friend, would you then consider that guy your Main Man?”
New Orleans Saints- Drew Brees is one of the best quarterbacks in the league. Reggie Bush, arguably the best college football player most of us have ever seen, including the EOTM, has not lived up to the hype. He’s been good, but not great (that’s what kim kardashian said ahahahahaha!). Anyway, I like the offense that the Saints show, but that defense is questionable at best. They are the Saints though, and this is important because if God were a fan of any team, who do you think it would be??? A-ha! When my fantasy player to watch, Kicker John Carney starts splitting the uprights from 90 yards out, you won’t be surprised to see him turn Gatorade into wine either.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- John Gruden is out, Raheem Morris is in. I think John Gruden is a damn good football coach but then again, I never played at a higher level than 7th grade when I was a sixth string DB whose self-scheduled Friday OFF days went unnoticed by The Roehm Raptor coaching staff. They have 3 running backs with potential but my mother always told me I had potential and look where that got me: Writing for the blog of an unemployed friend. Go Bucs! Fantasy player to watch: Mario, WR. Only this guy’s first name was listed on the roster. I don’t know if this is one of those Ichiro or Madonna things but I don’t see this guy doing much this season. I think in his rookie season, he will begin to miss Luigi more and more each day, the guilt of not attempting to save the princess will eat him up inside, and eventually he will pack up his stuff and leave – Josh Henniger style (see striking out twice in recent softball game).
Dallas Cowboys – T.O. is out but a new stadium is in. $800,000 season tickets in the club section plus 90 bucks for a pizza that does not include toppings (and I’m not kidding)……this team better run through the regular season, win the super bowl by a hundred, cure cancer, end world hunger, find B-MOC a job, and solve world peace. I’m just not buying the job part. Fantasy Player to Watch: Marion Barber, RB. THE MAN IS A BEAST.
New York Giants- Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg. If that’s not a sign of what’s to come, the I don’t know what is. Eventually, Eli Manning will also shoot himself in the leg. Tom Coughlin will later carry a gun into a NY night club, wearing baggy sweatpants and a tilted brim, and you guessed it….shoot himself in the leg. The Giants will pull Keanu Reeves off of his houseboat and he will lead them to Super Bowl roman numeral 44, as Shane Falco did for The Replacements. Fantasy Player to Watch: Keanu Reeves, QB. I just explained the scenario to you. If you didn’t get it, watch The Replacements.
Philadelphia Eagles- Aside from Brett Favre, the second person I am most sick of hearing about is Michael Vick. I’m taking it personally too, and holding it directly against the Philadelphia Eagles. I like Donovan McNabb’s game a lot, which is part of the reason I don’t understand them signing one of the most overrated QB’s of all-time. Anyways, I hate you Philadelphia. I hate cheesesteaks, Rocky, liberty, and Rocky IV. When I spoke with lifelong Philly fan Corey Matthews at a recent Phillies game, he had this to say: “Mr. Feeny explained to me that life is about second chances and the Vick deserves one too. My best friend Shawn Hunter, who was always a bad influence on me, says the eagles are just like we were in that episode where we had to wrestle Vader and his son (the bulley student who is now on My Name is Earl) in that the underdog must find a way to prevail.” Fantasy Player to Watch: Hank Baskett, WR. Dude married one of the most popular playmates ever this off season, if he doesn’t perform at a high level, it’ll be bye bye Barbie.
Washington Redskins- I don’t really know nor do I really care. They’re an average team with a boring quarterback and they don’t even play in a city – they play in a “district.” Hell, they’ll probably win it all. There’s a black president now man, it’s time for a Red Skin to win a championship. Fantasy Player to Watch: Sean Taylor, S Jim Zorn, Coach. If you draft coaches in your fantasy league, this is the guy you want. Hip, Hip, HOORAY!………Hip, Hip, HOORAY!
Arizona Cardinals– I like the Cardinals to do big things again this year. Many people are saying the Cards can’t do what they did last year but I differ the beg. Out is Offensive Coordinater something Haley, as well as former All-Pro Edgerrin James, but in is top draft choice Chris “Beanie” Wells. Beanie, if healthy, could team up with Tim Hightower for a very explosive backfield. Combine that with the arm and intelligence of QB Kurt Warner, along with the best Wide Out in the league, Larry Fitzgerald, sprinkle in Anquan Boldin and Steve Breaston, and WOW, what a show. And how about this for your sign: Beanie Wells played at Ohio State. Tell me now you Ohioans out there, what is the state bird of Ohio? The Cardinal, baby. That’s right! If 2+2 isn’t 4 well then call me Henry Rowengardener. Fantasy Player to Watch: Larry Fitzgerald, WR. Like Frank Sinatra said, he’s “The Best Around.”
San Francisco 49ers- I really like this team a lot this year. I like the discipline that Head Coach Mike Singletary brings to the team. If his style forces young studs like Frank Gore, Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, and to a lesser extent, Alex Smith, to focus primarily on football, they’ll have even midgets wanting to stand tall for a peek. San Francisco, I like you a lot this year. However, I still prefer females, sorry San Fran. Fantasy Player to Watch: Alex Boone, T: I know, I know, “Tuley you’re such an asshole, poking fun at a guy’s inability to set the bottle down!” Listen, I hope Alex gets the boozin’ thing under control. I’m just saying that this guy ALLEGEDLY was drinking 30 beers a day in high school and still somehow was All-State and earned a full ride to one of the premiere football schools in America. This past April, he ALLEGEDLY drank a fifth of vodka, mixing in beers in between, beat the hell out of a Dodge Dakota, and (and this is the reason you should take him) he had to be tasered six times. Six times!! How the hell is DeMarcus Ware supposed to come off the end and beat a guy that SIX TASERS couldn’t stop?!
Seattle Seahawks– Don’t care about this team. They are boring, they play in a city where it rains every single day, and their basketball team skipped town for the opportunity to be known as The Thunder. Jim Mora and his smelling salt won’t be enough to wake this team in time for a playoff run. PLAYOFFS?!?! DON’T TALK ABOUT PLAYOFFS!! Well Pops, your son won’t be talking about playoffs in 2009. Remember the glory days Jim Mora Jr., when it was you and Mike Vick in Atlanta, just two young kids running around? You guys had such bright futures ahead of you! So many games to be won in the Georgia Dome! Whatever happened there? Fantasy Player to Watch: Charlie Frye, QB. Remember that commercial that him and Braylon Edwards did for McDonalds that year they were drafted together?
McDonalds: “Would you like a large fry with that?
Edwards: “No, I alright got one” (looks at Charlie Frye)
St. Louis Rams- We’ve come a long way, St. Louis, since the days of Dick Vermeil crying about Trent Green splitting his leg in a preseason game, Marshall Faulk being the consensus number one in fantasy football drafts, the St. Lunatics ridding Nelly’s back to stardom, and the Greatest Show on Turf. I was a big fan of Marc Bulger until he single-handedly crushed my fantasy season two years in a row. Here’s the way I see it, Ram fan: Recently former NFLer Jeff George announced he was attempting a comeback. He himself admitted this on Jim Rome’s radio show. Apparently he’s sending workout tapes to every NFL team in hopes that someone will bite the worm. I see “The Bulge” really sucking it up again this year and on a dark, lonely night in his office, the head coach (whatever his name is) will pop in the Jeff George version of Eight Minute Abs and right there in that moment realize that George is the missing link to the Rams winning a game this season. On the other hand, you know what they say: Never trust a man with two first names. St. Louis, You’re fuckin’ out! Fantasy Player to Watch: Jeff Blake, QB. This guy’s still in the league? There’s gotta be a reason why…
Minnesota, New Orleans, Philadelphia, and Arizona are your playoff teams.
NFC Championship: New Orleans over Arizona (or Philly, I’m not real certain about any of my predictions. I know this though, you can take them to the bank.)