I couldn’t agree with you more Mark! In fact, most people don’t know that I have been working on a book for the past several years which when completed will be titled, “Everybody’s a Whore”. I am sure that one will make Oprah’s book club for sure!
Well I had my second polygraph test this morning, and if you can’t tell by my Mark Cuban quote, the Lamb of God video, and talk of Oprah’s book club, I am a little pissed off. Let me tell you why!
So I was to be at the polygraph at 9 am this morning for what was going to be a 2.5 to 3 hour test. I got there a little early just to be safe, and when I got there I had to fill out some paperwork, which has been pretty much par for the course with how this stuff has been going. For the two cities I am interviewing with, I have probably had to fill out 8 applications/qustionnaires (all of which requires the same exact information as the application/questionnaire before it) which is more than any other job would require. Well either way I fill all of that stuff out, this gorgeous girl probably a year or two younger than me walked in and had to do the same thing. We had some small talk, especially when I had to help her figure out what exactly “High School Location” meant on her application. Anyway I am getting off topic here, but this morning was starting off considerably better than the last polygraph test I took. I met the guy who was going to be adminstering the test, me and him shot the breeze for a little while about the Browns and college football, and then we got started.
This guy was a lot nicer and not as intimidating as the last guy I took a polygraph with…that was until he became a giant douchebag. I have said this before and I will say it again, but polygraph test are not fun, especially when you have a old, stern bastard look at you over the rim of his glasses while he loudly chews gum like the gentleman this morning. It is a complete mind fuck, and the only thing worse than looking for a job in these times, is getting mind fucked while you are trying to do it, but since these tests are part of the interviewing process, that is exactly what happens. Everyone says “well just don’t lie” and I don’t, but these guys are trained mind fuckers, and yes or no answers do not suffice. They have to dig into your head as far as they can and bring up things you have never, EVER thought about before. He asked “have you ever stolen money from an employer before?” and I answered “no.” Until he found out that I worked at the Groza concession stand 4 times TOTAL when I was 15 years old and took a bottle of water every time. He then asked, “how much were they selling the bottles of water for?” and I would say “75 cents or $1.” To which he responded, “well which is it??? 75 cents or $1???” Before I know it, this guy is balls deep into my ear drum, and he does some simple math to show me that during the 5 year period I was employed with the City of Berea and Berea Recreation Department, I probably took over $100 dollars in water, pop, chips, and ice cream. When I told him that my supervisors actually encouraged us to take these things when we were working outside all day, or working the concession stand for 5 hour shifts, he said “now you are making excuses….” So after this prick made me believe that post-it note’s cost $10 for one pad, and that I had really taken millions from my past employers, it was time to move onto the “more serious questions.”
As I mentioned earlier, everyone’s advice on a polygraph test is “just don’t lie.” And as I mentioned earlier, I don’t…..but for fuck’s sake there are only so many questions I can take about child pornography, beastiality, and voyeurism. That shit is so disturbing to me, and I don’t like talking about it, especially when the guy beats that dead horse. But once again, this mother fucker needs to ask you every question he can think of about if I have ever seen a 6 year old boy give head to a pig. Even when you answer “no”, he goes deeper and deeper (no pun intended haha). He asks about any friends or family I have that might like to watch a little girl get dressed through a window, and once again he doesn’t understand that the answer is NO!!! The entire time I am hooked up to this machine and sitting there letting this guy play with my brain, it is taking every ounce of energy in my body not to get up, knock this guys stupid bifocals off of his smug little face, kick his wooden teeth into the back of his throat and make him choke on his gum. Especially considering he started giving me a hard time about where I went to school and being a football player anytime I would ask him a question. He would say “this is 2008, where do you think?” and “boy you are really making me nervous” anytime I asked him a question. Polygraph tests are nervraking and stressful. But if you tell that to anyone who administers one of the test, they shoot back immediately “well why?!?! You shouldn’t have anything to be nervous about….unless you are lying!!!” Which I think is bullshit. THIS SHIT IS STRESSFUL BECAUSE I DON’T THINK ABOUT CRYSTAL METH, ROBBING BANKS, SELF MUTILATION, AND PUBLIC MASTURBATION EVERY DAY YOU ASSHOLE!!! This guy started out very personable, and turned into a a real shithead very quickly.
You wanna know what the real cherry on top was though?!?!?! After the test was all said and done, the guy unhooks me from the machine and takes a look at my results. It’s quiet except for the sound the guy makes when he chews his gum, which sounds like how a cow eats. Anyway, after a few minutes of silence the guy says “So what are you going to do now that you aren’t going to make it as a cop?” Me, being extremely pissed off and not being able to tell if this guy is being serious or sarcastic say, “I am gonna try out for the Browns.” The guy looks at me, laughs like a jerk off, and says “who knows you might be able to make the team.” It wasn’t until I was on my way out of the room that the guy says “I didn’t see anything wrong with your polygraph….” Well thank you shit stain!!!
Which leads me to another topic that I would like to address. That topic is “self righteousness”. Just because you can give somebody a hard time for whatever it may be, does not mean you need to. For whatever reason, people feel like “specialist” in all kinds of areas, and because somebody else is not a “specialist” in your area does not give you the right to fuck with them. This is true for anyone! Teachers to their students, cops with criminals, bosses to their employees, you name it, and it’s true. That is why I feel like our society is screwed sometimes, because of people like Mr. Polygraph man this morning. He got his rocks off because he knew that I have a great opportunity for a career here, and he was the only thing standing in the way. I had to put up with whatever shit he gave me, and could do nothing about it. He feels like he is on top of the world every time he can mess with a potential candidate for a job, and for that, he can go fist himself! Our entire world is all about self righteousness and everybody “getting their own.” Whatever…..we may all be screwed!