Day 206: Tuesday’s with Tuley (he’s so 2000 and late)

So I got into my car this morning to make the usual drive to work. The first song I heard on the radio made me think of B-MOC (no homo). It was “Life Is a Highway,” the Rascal Flatts version. Here’s why: Once when I was pregaming with B-MOC for the Tribe at local watering hole Thirsty Parrott, they played that song and B-MOC mentioned to me that he really liked it. I believe his exact words were something along the line of, “It really gets me pumped, man.” Now you have to keep in mind that the EOTM will bash country music any chance he gets. So I immediately call him on this and say, “HA! This is Rascal Flatts!” He didn’t believe me, said that it was bullshit that they remade this song and went on to talk shit about Rascal Flatts, country music, Nashville, rednecks, George Bush, NASCAR, hot girls wearing short skirts and cowgirl hats, so on and so on. Ok….he didn’t talk shit about anything that I mentioned except Rascal Flatts and country music. Regardless, country music and most of what I just listed are awesome and if I can borrow a phrase from the B-MOC dictionary, if you don’t think so…..GO FIST YOURSELF!
First off...there is no reason for hot girls in cowboy hats, NASCAR, or Busch beer to go fist themselves....

First off...there is no reason for hot girls in cowboy hats or NASCAR to go fist themselves....

The word on the street is that I’m moving today. Well, I’m not. I was supposed to move to Lakewood today but unfortunately my bedroom has no electricity. And when I say no electricity, I mean no outlets, no nothing. Apparently the landlord is getting that installed as early as today but we’ll see. It’s really nice of the EOTM to take the time to help my friends move into the house. I’d say Wayner is most likely to throw him some beers or something for helping out but there’s no way my friends Hen and Hrubey are giving Hubs a dime. Thanks for helping out, Bryan!
My rate is $20 an hour, plus lunch, dinner, and gas money.

My rate is $20 an hour, plus lunch, dinner, and gas money.

Here’s how I see a future party happening at this house: There will be Harrell and Wyar running the beer pong table, while at the same time debating every rule that’s been in place since the Alpha Sigma Delta Continental’s invented the game in 1942. Harrell will then retire from pong for the night amid some “bullshit.” He will head out back to play some cornhole and even though we’ve been playing where you have to get 21 right on, the game will change to where you can go over 21. Harrell will drink more than anybody, some decent looking cougar whose been wanting him will come over and harrell will retire for the night going 12-1 in pong and 5-1 in cornhole, and 1-0 in cougar hunting.
"......AND THAT'S WHY WE LOVE THEM!!!!" - Harrell

"......AND THAT'S WHY WE LOVE THEM!!!!" - Harrell

Petey Pablo‘s “Raise Up” will come on the stereo and Hubler will get the largest rush of adrenaline that anybody has ever gotten before. He will follow the lyrics as if they are step-by-step directions. He’ll take his shirt off and begin waiving it in the air. Somehow the first ever Rap Mosh Pit will form between Hubs and Hen and they will begin fighting like two cats in the jungle. If you’ve never seen these two fight/wrestle, it’s weird because it looks like they’re both just trying to get away from one another but somehow they keep running into and falling on each other. Following “North Carolina! Come on and Raise up!” will be Fine Young Cannibals, “She Drives Me Crazy ooo ooo..” Hubs, and i know this to be true, will yell, “FIND ME TULEY!” We will eventually be united to sing, “She drives me crazy….and i can’t help myself (do do do do, dooo dooo).” The two man dance will be in full effect and all will be right in the world for just four minutes. Hubs will eventually pass out and sleep in the lawn.
"She drives me crazy! OOOH OOOH!!!"

"She drives me crazy! OOOH OOOH!!!"

You’ll have Henniger crushing PBR’s by the case, looking as sober as ever. That’s all I have on him.
The Big Ginger's baby picture.....that's all I got on him.

The Big Ginger's baby picture.....that's all I got on him.

Wayner will be the guy who gets in on cornhole and knocks Harrell off (not like that, ZING!). He will be the guy drinking Corona, wearing flip flops, and peeing in the backyard with no cares about anybody seeing him half naked. Wayner lives by the motto, “Good, cause I’ll take anything.” I’ve seen him turn some females down before so that is somewhat misleading. Nonetheless, he will call up some pretty good looking girl around 2am who may or may not be 18 ,and to the boom boom room they go.
Hrubey will be THAT GUY. You know the one….the guy who is carrying around a garbage bag from 11pm to 3am, picking up every last can and bottle and depositing it into the plastic bag. Not only is this getting in the way of the people who are trying to enjoy the evening but it also sucks for those who are trying to sleep at 3 in the morning and one bottle after another you hear, “CLANK, CLANK, CLANK, SHATTER.” I appreciate Hrubey and his cleaning efforts though, and will cook him breakfast the next morning for his efforts. How much milk do you like with your Lucky Charms, Hrubs?
Good luck Hrub.....

Good luck Hrub.....

Our neighbors on the one side who now think we’re gay (long story that I can’t get into right now) will ask if the guy with the mustache could quiet down a little bit because their kids are trying to sleep. I will glady go over and ask Wayner’s underage girl to enjoy her first beer more responsibly.

"I remember my first beer!"

I will wake up hungover on Sunday morning and somehow throw myself together in an attempt to meet my family for church. As I stumble down the stairs of my amish-inspired, no electricity allowed bedroom, Harrell will already be 6 beers deep ready for the Browns game. Henniger will be snoring louder than a grizzly bear through a megaphone and Hrubey will be on his computer adding and dropping players on his fantasy team by the milisecond. His team’s overhaul will somehow result in Harrell’s team getting the shaft and now my house will have conversation for the next five weeks.
I hope to see everybody at my house on numerous occasions. This will not be a typical night but as J.P. in “Angels in the Outfield” said, “It could happen…”
Everybody have an EXCELLENT Tuesday! Good night and God Bless!

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