So as Tuley pointed out in his post yesterday, I helped some of my friends move into their new house. It went pretty well for the most part, and by pretty well for the most part I mean Hrubey had hundreds of shoe boxes filled with a total of 3 dvd’s, or hand towels. He is the perfect guy to help move if you like moving throw pillows and softball trophies for the better part of a day. I personally hate moving more than anything in the world. It’s not just the packing up of your belongings, but it’s the shady landlords you have to deal with and having to buy “the little things” like a plunger or dish soap that really gets to me after a while. However, there was one moment yesterday that stood out more than any other moving experience I have ever had.
My buddies and I had unloaded the truck and were walking around the house just checking some things out. We walked into Hrubey’s room and besides the cat hair/pubic hair all over his floor it was pretty nice. He told me to check out his closet to see all of the random things the landlord had yet to pick up. I did, and wouldn’t you know what was staring right back at me on the floor?!?!?! A giant, double penetration vibrator!
What happened next was pretty immature……we all started laughing like little girls and daring each other to lick it or smell it. After Hrubey sniffed it, we danced to “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys and called it a day.
I believe Meatloaf wrote a song in which he said “All of the best landlords leave vibrators lying around their tenants house,” so I guess those guys have that going for them. I can’t wait to see how that exchange goes at that house. “Hi guys, it’s your landlord. Listen, I didn’t know if I told you this before….but I am a wizard, and I have this “magic wand” somewhere in the house. Did you guys happen to find that? Because without it I can’t do any magic, and I am getting really good at it. So……..I mean…….uhhhhh…….if you guys happen to find my red magic wand just let me know ok? Thanks a lot. I don’t wanna have to cast any spells on you now! Hahaha I am just joking. But seriously…..I need that back now.”
As I mentioned earlier, landlords are shady characters. I lived in a house in college with 4 friends of mine for two years, and we never really had any problems with our landlord, that is until we were about to move out after graduation with about 1 week left on our lease. We got into a big scuffle over some plumbing problems we were having in our basement. You see, one of my roommates had turned the dungeon of a basement into a very comfortable bed room. He never had any problems until we were about to move out, and that was when the basement would get backed up with sewage and a whole bunch of other sin. So we called our landlord to tell her we needed her to take care of the problem. So she did. She called a plumber friend of hers who came over and unclogged the pipe. He had found a wad of used tampons in the pipes, most likely left over from the 4 female tenants who lived in the house before us. But our landlord wasn’t having that. She insisted that we were the ones who were flushing these things down the toilet, and unless the Big Ginger was flushing wads of his hair wrapped in toilet paper down the drain, I don’t think that was the case.
Speaking of James Vanderbeek, I once had a pet pheasant chick for about 15 minutes. I named him James Vanderbeek because he was a bird and had a beek. I was vacationing on Pelee Island and when we stopped at the store, I left him my buddies car in the back seat. When I came back, he was gone. He probably jumped out of the back of the car and died 5 minutes later when he was eaten by a snake or something. That stupid bird should have stayed in the car and we would be living the life right now. We would go on walks in the park, and I would take him to lakes and ponds so he could see his cousins swimming and flying in formations. I would teach him to fly and how to find worms in the ground. But no, that dummy bird jumped out of the car and is 100% dead right now.
Last year I was real “gung ho” on getting a pet at my house. I talked to my roommate about it, and we both decided that a pet duck would work best. I really researched this a lot and I found some great things out about ducks. The #1 thing that people don’t know about ducks is that they are the most loyal creatures in the world. If you can get a duck at a young enough age and raise it like a mother, it will follow you for the rest of it’s or yours life, hopefully you would live a little longer than a bird. Now of course, you would have to give it your own breast milk and sit on it like it’s in a nest for 16 hours a day, but I think it would have been worth it. I keed, I keed! I don’t even think birds drink breast milk….I’ll have to research that for in case I am ever on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” By the way, I do a great Regis Philbin impression. But seriously, the only problem people have with pet ducks is that they crap uncontrollably. I mean, that stuff just slides right out and they don’t even think twice about it. This would have been a problem for us as we were both working during the day (there was a time when I had a day job!). But wouldn’t you know that they came up with duck diapers…..PROBLEM SOLVED, LET’S GET A DUCK!
We never did get a duck, probably one of the few regrets I have in my life…..that and not patenting the IPod….but what can you do. I better stop writing for today, I am looking back on this post and asking myself why I felt the need to blog about vibrators, used tampons, and duck shit. I leave you today with a haiku apologizing for the potty humor blog today.
Vibrators aren’t cool
Landlords and tampons will rule
Duck shit’s no fun right?