Rule #1 of the Employee of the Month blog is…..do NOT poke the bear when he is in the zoo! Rule #2 of the Employee of the Month blog is….just because you rock, doesn’t mean you have to be made of stone. Rule #3 of the Employee of the Month blog is……do not give up on the Employee of the Month blog. And rule #4 of the Employee of the Month blog is…….DO NOT GIVE UP ON THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH BLOG!!!
How is everybody?!?!?! Good I hope! It’s great to be back! It is currently Wednesday, October 7th at 2:38 am and I got my computer back a few hours ago. I was going to wait until the day time to make my first post after the swine flu scare my computer had, but I’m not gonna lie, I couldn’t wait that long. A lot of you may be wondering to yourself, “what was B-MOC up to the last several days?” And the answer is eating a lot of cheese, watching a lot of MTV’s “True Life”, thinking about the pros and cons of putting a chicken coop in my back yard, and this……
A lot has happened since the last time we met. Eric Wedge was fired by the Indians and no one cared, Barack Obama was sworn in as the first black president of the United States, the Sri Lankan Civil War ended, gas cost .97 cents a gallon, the #1 movie in America was Home Alone 2, and everybody fell in love with the Quad City DJ’s jam “C’Mon N Ride It (the train)”.
I kind of feel like a really bad father who has been away at prison for my children’s entire child hood because I was the get away driver in a hot dog stand heist that went awry, and now I am out early for good behavior and I walk in the door (by the door I mean the internet) with a bunch of toys (my blog posts) for my kids (you guys) and some flowers for my wife (maybe my dog, I don’t know) and I just stand there and imply that I want my kids (still you guys) to accept me back into your lives like I have been there the entire time. Hopefully you can find it in your hearts to let me back in (and continue reading my blog on a regular basis), but I know my recent absence won’t make up for all of the little league games, dance recitals, and birthdays that I have missed (I guess that would be like you guys reading my blog whenever you get a chance). I don’t know why but that is the only comparison I keep feeling.
Earlier I had mentioned that I was thinking about putting a chicken coop up in my backyard, and I was not lying about that. Apparently, in these economic hardships, people are finding ways to cut any corners they can. This includes people building their own chicken coops and raising hens and collecting their eggs. Now, I have been unemployed for almost 8 months now, and I know times are tough, but chicken coops in your backyard??? Seriously??? I am no farmer, bird expert, or Amish person, so I am not up to speed on chicken raising, but I would assume this is the dumbest thing ever. How many eggs do you really get from having a chicken coop in your backyard? Let’s figure it out….you would probably have a maximum of 5 chickens. Like I said, I don’t know a thing about chickens, but lets assume it takes them 9 months to produce one egg, just like a human. That means in a one year period you would get 5 eggs. You might get lucky and have a hen or two produce twins, which would give you anywhere from 5 to 10 eggs. That is less than a dozen in one year no matter what. I eat 10 egg omelets twice a week. That means I would have to have 400,000 chickens to produce the amount of eggs I consume in one year. Honestly though….people are crazy when it comes to stuff like this. People in the suburbs don’t need to raise chickens nor do they need to learn how to do so. That is why they live in the suburbs. I think suburbanites rush into these crazy ideas without thinking everything through. This was just like that time everyone fell in love with bat houses or running their houses heat on garbage, or trying to build rockets in their backyard like Billy Bob Thornton did. I mean, take for example, what if one of the chickens gets sick and needs to be “put down”. Who is going to do it?!?!?! The mom or dad who works a 9 to 5 and deals with 8 different bosses and pain in the ass clients. Or little Jimmy or little Sally who named all of the chickens right off the bat? Are they going to ring Mr. Clucky McLayseggs neck when he gets bird flu? No….and to add insult to injury, your entire family is going to starve because you only got 10 eggs this past year. I guess you could eat all of your chickens, but then all you are left with is a family that is emotionally tormented for the rest of their lives while hating you at the same time, and a backyard full of chicken poo. I don’t know if times are that tough where you need to rely on trying to raise chickens when you have no idea how to raise chickens.
Next thing you know people will be making q-tip stalls, toothpaste bushes, and deodorant fountains in their yards too.
Jesus this world is so messed up……well it’s getting late even for the unemployed. I am finding out more and more everyday that my unemployed life is a lot like the life of a zombie. I am up at all hours of the day wandering the Earth in search of a job and food, or in their case brains. That’s not necessarily a bad thing I guess. I leave you with a haiku to commemorate my return to the blogosphere…..
It’s good to be back,
that old guy loves chicken sack.
That’s loving the cock.
One Love (it feels good saying that again)!