Day 250: “SWALLOW MY WORDS, TASTE MY THOUGHTS, AND IF IT’S TOO NASTY, SPIT IT BACK AT ME!”

Hi!  So, Sunday night I got home from a long weekend, and proceeded to get sick.  I mean really sick.  I had a massive fever, and the worst headache I’ve ever had in my life.  I don’t usually get so sick that I can’t move, however that was the case this time, and from Sunday night until right now I was practically bed ridden, and that is why there have been no posts until right now.  I apologize, but you know you are sick when you start hallucinating you are seeing Snuggles the bear leading you on a tour of the world ala Where in the World is Carmen San Diego.  I love that bear…..but he doesn’t know shit about the Taj Mahal.

"You see that place B-MOC? That's the place where rainbow farts and snowflake whiskers are made!"

"You see that place B-MOC? That's the place where rainbow farts and snowflake whiskers are made!"

Obviously, it sucked being that sick, but it particularly sucked not having any health insurance right now, especially with all of this swine flu stuff going around.  First off, the news can go fist itself.  Every single night they have breaking news about swine flu and how another kid died from it somewhere but there is only one problem……..NO ONE STILL CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REGULAR FLU AND SWINE FLU IS!!!!  Answers like “it’s just like flu like symptoms but different” and “it came from a pig” do not count as differences between the two.  Thank God that I feel better because it would have really sucked to have to pay thousands of dollars to get the bacon bacteria out of my body.  That’s what I’m calling it now instead of swine flu.  It’s “bacon bacteria”.  I was also thinking about calling it “pork parasite” but decided on the bacon route.  I don’t want to toot my own immune system horn, but I don’t usually get sick like that, so hopefully it’s awhile before anything like that happens again.  Keep it up white blood cells!  And again, the news can go fist itself.  Ramona Robinson doesn’t know shit about bacon bacteria and she doesn’t have to pretend like she does for me.  I’m sure Dick Goddard figured out a cure for that, along with Herpes and chicken pox a LONG time ago.

You know who else can go fist themself.  The TV station TLC.  Laying in bed for the last few days, I had the opportunity to watch a few of their programs, and they are absolutely repulsive!  Between the dwarfs (I looked it up that’s the PC term) running around building pumpkin chunkers and doing brain surgery, the millions of kids spread across 3 shows, and the one ton mom, I wanted to pull my life line and say “F it all”.  TLC programming is like a freak show.  It’s like the Ripley’s Believe it or Not of cable television.  It’s like when you are at the fair and they have that tank that has the 5,000 lb pig (who, now that I think of it probably invented bacon bacteria) and the thing just lays there fighting for breathe, but you had to pay $1 to walk up and see it.  OH MAN LOOK AT THAT GIGANTIC PIG!!! That’s how TLC is.  Now don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a good idea to shine some light on these families/individuals situations.  But let’s look at where these shows are at today.  Every week in Little People Big World, the dad is building something outrageous and expensive with the money that TLC has paid him, all while he hangs in his crutches in an amazing feat of athleticism.

I had to watch this man balance on his crutches like he was a tight rope walker for three days.....all while he was building a lifesize Statue of Liberty on his farm.  Did you know he got a DUI?!?!  Oh man!  How much did he have to drink for that?!?!?!

I had to watch this man balance on his crutches like he was a tight rope walker for three days.....all while he was building a life size Statue of Liberty replica on his farm. Did you know he got a DUI?!?! Oh man! How much did he have to drink for that?!?!?!

Then there is Jon and Kate.  GO FIST YOURSELVES!  I am sick and tired of watching this feud play out between these two idiot parents.  Jon is a balding douche with some lovely studs in his ears, and his wife is a weirdo who seems like she is constantly getting a”visit from Aunt Flow” if you catch my drift.  And the worst part is no one talks about the 8 kids they have….they are screwed.  In 25 years, it will be like 8 more Michael Jacksons running around, but with 8 less Thriller’s, and 8 more incest cases.

"Here, Jon does his impression of Douchey Elvis.  Great impression Jon!"

"Here, Jon does his impression of Douchey Elvis. Great impression Jon!"

There is this show about this family called the Duggars who are trying to break the world record for the “most amount of kids who will grow up to be weirdos”, and I think they are somewhere at like 45 or something.  I didn’t watch this show, but the poster for the show speaks a thousands words….

....I think one more just popped out while I was writing this sentence....

....I think one more just popped out while I was writing this sentence....

I don’t have a Ph. D or anything but I believe TLC stands for The Learning Channel…….or Tender Loving Care…….or T-Boz, Left Eye, Chilli (Don’t go chasing waterfalls!!!!!).  I don’t learn anything watching these shows, except for finding out new ways to make myself vomit.  Thanks TLC, go fist yourself.  I got a new idea for a show.  It’s called “Hobo Harry” and it can follow a homeless man around and document his everyday adventures such as pissing himself in public, passing out in a box, and creeping people out around Progressive Field.  It can star this guy….

GO FIST YOURSELF TLC!

GO FIST YOURSELF TLC!

As many of you probably already know, Brady Quinn is selling his house in Avon Lake.  As many of you don’t know, he is moving in next door in Berea!!!  I heard he wanted to downsize and move closer to the practice facility.  Well my neighbor died like 2 years ago or something, and the house has been empty ever since.  I saw him snooping around the place the other day.  I wanted to tell him that I think it’s haunted, but that would make it perfect for Halloween!  This won’t be the first time I have ever lived next to a celebrity.  Actually, when my family first moved into this house, we were living next door to someone by the name of Carmella DeCesare.  If that name sounds familiar, it’s because she is now married to former Browns quarterback Jeff Garcia, and is a former Playboy playmate.  Which is ironic, since her and I were playmates back in the day.  We would play everything together!  House, cops n robbers, find the sausage, you know….kids stuff.  Then she moved to another city and I never saw her again.  She was like my best friend ever……and I miss her.  It’s crazy how things work out sometimes.

Carmella was always the best "find the sausage" player.

Carmella was always the best "find the sausage" player.

That’s it for today.  I will talk to you all again tomorrow!  One Love!

SELAH

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1 Comment

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One response to “Day 250: “SWALLOW MY WORDS, TASTE MY THOUGHTS, AND IF IT’S TOO NASTY, SPIT IT BACK AT ME!”

  1. you’re still a VERY sick person…

    and if that Quinn kid comes around wanting to ‘find the sausage’, I’ll sic the cats on ’em…

    Re: Mrs DeCesare (aka, Carmella’s ‘mommy’)…now she was a neighbor!!! Wonder why they moved after we bought that telescope? Must not have been fans of space….even after I admired the ‘black hole’ in their backyard during the summer…good neighbors are hard to find…even with a telescope!

    PS…guess I should rip up that contract offer from TLC???

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