Day 255: HE’S BACK! TUESDAY WITH TULEY!

jaws

It’s good to be back in the hot seat as the past couple Tuesday’s have gone Tuleyless. For many of you that is a good thing. You are probably the same people that the French call, “les incompident.” The EOTM and I share the same favorite radio show, Talk Sex with Sue Johnson. Actually that’s a TV show and if you’ve never seen a few minutes of it here or there, well then you’re not really living. Here’s a clip:

I got a little off track but the radio show that I listen to is The Really Big Show aka The Tony Rizzo Show. They had Cavs owner Dan Gilbert on today  talking about Issue 3, which is the one that pertains to building a casino in Cleveland. Now I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it, but I know that I would definitely support it if had some of the games that Clark’s brother in Vegas Vacation took Clark to play. In fact, I wanna work at the casino as a rock, paper, scissors dealer. Chris Tressel once told me that the big guys always go Rock and I have found that to be true. The second best job ever though would be the “Guess a Number between 1 and 10” dealer.. What a great job to have to be able to hook your friends up!! “What’s that BMOC? You said 9.7?? YOU GOT IT AGAIN!!!” Man, he would never have to work again.

jaws

Hitler always sucked at Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Some other fun casino games would be Inky Binky Bonkey (Daddy had a Donkey), Thumb Wars, Choose, and Word Association. The game Choose is one that I saw in an episode of Seinfeld. George and Jerry “chose” for a TV. Basically each guy puts one hand behind their back and one person has “odds” and the other person has “evens.” On the count of three, the two people throw their hand out from behind their backs, each showing either one finger or two. The sum of fingers between the two hands is either an odd number or an even number. (i.e. BMOC shows one finger and I throw 2, that would equal 3 so whoever had “odds” would win).

Don't forget True or False...that's always a good one.

Don't forget True or False...that's always a good one.

In other news, I’m wearing my roommates shoes today and he has no idea. I was about to leave for work this morning when I realized that I left both pairs of my dress shoes at my parents house. I was running late so I scrambled around the house and stumbled upon a nice pair of shiny black loafers. They’re pretty comfortable and I’m thinking about keeping them.

I know I’m jumping around here but I realized three fourths of the way through my casino take that it sucked. I live in Lakewood, Ohio now (for you out of towners, it’s about 2100 miles east of Oakland. I was at local watering hole West End this past weekend when this girl comes up to me and says, “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…..” I was like, “Oh Hey!” She says, “You’re Tuesdays with Tuley!” (This honestly is a true story) So I was kind of shocked and asked how she new the blog and how she new me. I forget what she said other than that she reads it but there were two things that became clear. First, I felt like a famous supporting actor or a role player on a good sports team. I imagine it’s probably how Creed from the Office feels when he’s out buying bows and arrows and somebody comes up to him and says, “Hey, aren’t you Creed from the Office?” The same probably goes for Austin Croshere when people are like, “Hey aren’t you that NBA journeyman?” I know that in my own experience in being hit on for my celebrity status, that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. That leads me to the second thing that became clear to me moments after this broad walked up to me with the “Aren’t you Tuesdays with Tuley” line: she was using me to get to the EOTM!!! What a skank, right??? That would be like some girl using Zydrunas Ilgauskas to get to Lebron James! Not that I’m Zydrunas and BMOC is Lebron but you know what I mean! It wasn’t like I was heartbroken or anything but it definitely put me in my place as Scottie Pippen to BMOC’s Mike Jordan.
You're the man Tuley!

You're the man Tuley!

I think I played my role as I should have. I texted BMOC and said hey there’s a girl who is looking for you and wants to meet you. Either tell me where you are so that I can send her there or give me the authority to tell her to go fist herself. At this point I was kind of hoping for the latter but she was a nice person so no matter what I probably would’ve lied and told her that BMOC was out back next to that nice raccoon. He responded with some b.s. and I cannot elaborate on what happened with the EOTM groupie girl (and no names please) but Michael Scott said it best when talking from BMOC’s perspective: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9zDeYlSecg. Actually I am not certain as to anything that happened in that closet but I am told that it was kept clean, by more than one person.
In my absence from the Blog, I have done nothing of importance or value. As many of you read in my previous post, I spent a week in Texas. Yes, there are mexicans everywhere and yes, I’m sure they’re all legal. I got to visit my friend Valerie in Houston for a weekend and that was a lot of fun. We went to a Houston Astros game at Minute Maid Park and it’s a nice park but man do I hate indoor baseball! They had the roof closed because it was like 110 degrees with the humidity but (and I got the same feeling when I went to the Metrodome in Minnesota) you almost feel like you’re watching a baseball game being played in a warehouse. It’s always cool to see a new stadium though. By the way they also play the majority of their football game indoors in Houston. I was talking to this guy at the Astros game and he said that both stadiums (the Stros and the Texans) have what’s called a “50/80 rule.” This means that any time the temperature is above 80 degrees or below 50, the roof is closed. These people would never, ever make it at a Browns game! Aside from my Texas trip, I have done nothing really. This new house that I moved into is the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I finally got my life back on track last week but just to give you a little insight as to how bad things got, let’s take a look at my diary entry from October 3rd:
Dear Diary,
If you’re reading this you already know. I have not done any physical activity since I had that dream about Carrie Underwood visiting me in the hospital. I used to keep in shape but have not been to the Berea Rec Center since early September. I have done no physical activity, or really nothing of value, in over a month. I am withering away and have really let myself go. I’ve become like the child star actor who is now all coked out, bankrupt, and eats butter. I’m sure that my rec pass has expired by now. I am fragile and weak. I tried to take the garbage to the curb just yesterday and had to drag it because I did not have the strength to carry it. I do not have the breath to give a quad yeah. I used to have hopes and dreams and now I dream of the man I used to be. My mp3 player that used to motivate me through my workout has broken and no longer plays the gay music that I love so much. The only thing that keeps me going is the desire that I have to one day return the Rec Center and build myself into the specticle that Brady Quinn is. I keep a shirtless poster of The Big Ginger above my bed to keep that desire strong.
Your friend and you always know that,
Ryan

I didn't want to say anything...but Tuley is kind of letting himself go.  Beisdes losing his hair, he has gained a little bit of weight.

I didn't want to say anything...but Tuley did kind of let himself go. Beisdes losing his hair, he had gained a little bit of weight.

Like I said I have since gotten my life back on track since but I have had tons of support from the readers out there, as well as from females that want to use me to get to BMOC. I’d like to share some of this support with you:
Tuley, where have you been man? I heard that you overdosed on Band-Aids??      -Gerald in Tulsa, Oklahoma

Thanks for the question, Gerald. Do not believe the rumors. I did not overdose on Band-Aids. I don’t even know what that means to be honest with you. I did, at my weakest moment, become too lazy to shave. My beard was so thick that it covered half of my face. My own mother told me that I looked better with half of my face hidden but it began to itch very badly so I wanted to get rid of it. Due the rut I was in and no energy to get off the couch and shave, I did tape band-aids down all over my face and rip them off one at a time. It hurt like hell, Gerald.
Hi Tuley. I just want you to know that in light of the reports that you’ve been in rehab, my family has been praying for you. Stay strong brother.     -Dennis in Peioria, Illinios

Thanks for the prayers Dennis but I have not been in rehab. I think the media really blew my absence way out of proportion. I was just in Texas and then working and yeah, I got a little lazy. But you must remember that the blog was down for nearly a month too so I was unable to post. These accusations that I was playing for the Yankees in the playoffs and all are simply incorrect.
Heyyyyyyyyyy there Tuley!!! im sorry to hear that you’re dying of Polio. Any chance you could introduce us to BMOC before you die???     -Alexis and Jasmine, Playboy Mansion

Listen you whores, I know that you could care less about me, I’m not even dying of polio, nobody can get polio anymore, and I know that you’re just using me to get to BMOC. So no, I will not be introducing you to BMOC. He is my friend and I would not want you two raping him and dropping your herpes all over him. I hate you both and I think you will only find happiness through a gynocologist.
Tuley, I think I saw you at a restaurant in Philadelphia recently. It was hard to tell but was that you?    -George Feeny, Philadelphia, PA

Mr. Feeney, yes that was probably me. On Wednesdays I usually meet Corey Matthews and Shawn Hunter for lunch at Chubby’s. We talk about the Phillies, Topanga Lawrence, and scheme new ways to make fun of Mingus. Sometimes we run into Harley and his big friend there (you know, the guy that now plays on ‘My Name is Earl’) and they give us trouble but all in all, they’re actually pretty cool guys. I guess the Phillies really can bring a city together!
Hey Tuley, is it true that you and BMOC had a falling out and that the Big Ginger had a wedding that was ruined by the drama that the EOTM blog caused??     -Terrelle in Otterklaud, Australia

Hi Terrelle. I’m not sure where you heard this but the Big Ginger did not get married, his brother did. And no BMOC did not have a falling out…….unless you count him using me a screen and/or shield for his female groupies. BMOC did threaten to trim my eyelashes and set fire to my car if I didn’t increase the blog’s traffic by 5 million % but I did just that so there’s no need to worry. Many people assume that BMOC is a hard person to work for but if you just do what he asks, the punishments really aren’t all that inhumane.
Tuleybitch, Go Fist Yourself!     -BMOC, home

Yes sir, will do sir. Please don’t pour boiling hot water on me again sir.
Well thanks for the questions, people! Again if you would like to submit a question or e-mail me a comment you can reach me at tuesdayswtuley@ryantuleynaked.com. Thanks and have an EXCELLENT day! I leave you with this Jay Mohr take on Red Sox fans…
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1 Comment

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One response to “Day 255: HE’S BACK! TUESDAY WITH TULEY!

  1. Mike

    Tuley, I heard you nearly got paralyzed by getting blasted through a flowerpot and into a garage during an after hours football game? Is that true?

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