For you readers in areas such as Texas, Guam, and Purgatory, forgive me for a few moments while I talk some Cleveland Browns football. As many of my fellow Browns fans may have heard, owner Randy Lerner met with two fans this morning in a closed door, two hour meeting. I was both who attended. Here’s some transcript from our meeting that took place at the Browns Training Complex in my hometown of Berea, Ohio:
Well the interview did not last two hours as you can see. Rob Ryan walked in and I got the hell out of there. But, as official as “based” on a true story is, I am here to report, on the Employee of the Month blog, that George Kukinis has been removed as GM of the Browns because Bob Ryan homicided him. You heard it here first. (You know, homicide and suicide sound the same and revolve around similar meanings, but where does the word spermicide come from? Even pesticide has to do with killing! Is spermicide the murder of sperm?? So wait, using a condom with spermicide is not safe at all then?)
On another subject, it’s the first Tuesday in November and you know what that means: Democracy at it’s finest! Today is election day across our fine nation and I am stoked!
Issue 3 has pretty much taken the cake as this year’s big topic. Casino’s in Ohio? We’ll see. I’m more focused on the other issues though, the ones that have so much underlying importance and will pretty much shape the future of my children. B-MOC has allowed me to use the blog as a platform for an “Official” Voting Poll. I will raise the issues at hand, compute the results using my calculator and fingers, and then report them back to the U.S Department of Democracy. This ballot if legit and means you do not have to go out and vote at the so-called “official” polling places.
Let’s start with Issue 96. Issue 96 states that, “If passed, pedestrians will no longer have the Right of Way when crossing the street. If a moving vehicle (i.e. cement truck) hits a pedestrian during or outside of normal business hours, the pedestrian will be at fault. Pedestrians will then be responsible for any damages caused to the vehicles that they walk into.”
Issue 41. Issue 41 states that bikers who dress like Lance Armstrong and ride their bike-cycles in the middle of the road, next to a bike path rather than on it, will be subject to drivers jamming 2×4’s in their spokes as they drive by. As the Lance Armstrong catipults from the bike-cycle, the driver will then have authority to hit them while they fly through the air. However, the Lance is only a viable target to be hit while in the air. Once the Lance hit’s the ground the driver must avoid contact with him. The bike-cycle however, would then be at risk to be reversed up on to.
Issue 854 (you better set aside like 9 hours to vote today). Issue 854 says that if passed, customers at bars and restaurants will not be allowed to use Vinegar on their french fries and/or other food items. Similar to the smoking ban, using vinegar in public is known to have negative effects on other people around the user.
Issue 77. Issue 77 says that women shall no longer be allowed to vote.
Issue 101. This issue states that the next time The Big Ginger drops an amount of cash money at Christie’s Cabaret that is equal or greater to the average monthly payment on a $300,000 mortgage, that the skank stipper(s) who benefit from the Big Ginger’s generosity must spend all of the next day with him, making sandwiches, cleaning, and doing laundry for friends of the Big Ginger as they watch college football.
Issue 52. Issue 52 says that arson to vegetarians will no longer be allowed. In 1967, law went into effect stating that arson to businesses, homes, forrests, tents, etc would not be tolerated but setting fire to a vegetarian would be fine. Issue 52 would stop arson to vegetarians.
Issue 211. Issue 211 proposes that all Pizza Delivery People will be required to wear Electric Shock Collars. If a customer orders a pizza and the pizza is not delivered within 30 minutes the customer can dial a code into their telephone which will send……..i don’t know, like 800,000 volts…..of electricity into the delivery guy’s neck collar. The delivery driver would still be expected to make it to his or her destination safely. If upon receiving the shock, they swerve and hit another car, they will be at fault. If they hit a pedestrian though, and Issue 96 is in effect, well then the pedestrian would be at fault, of course.
Issue 92 states that all u.s. americans that do not have health insurance but wish to have it can buy if for $10 per month. Also, all unemployed people who wish to find a steady job will be offered one, as a doctor. Each new doctor, formerly unemployed, will serve up to 25 newly insured americans. This plan will create millions of new jobs and asure that everybody has health insurance. There is an App that you can get on your i-phone that sums up medical school in six minutes. The new doctors will be required to download that App on view the course.
Well, those are the important issues! Thanks for voting and remember, if you completed this ballot, it means that you do not have to go out and vote elsewhere! Have a great day and God Bless America!