“Hello Cleveland!” That’s what Bruce Springsteen aka The Boss yelled at one of his recent shows. Too bad he was in my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio the previous night! The gracious crowd in Detroit apparently gave him a “pass” on his miscue though and the show went on as scheduled.
"Whoops!" - Bruce Springsteen
I’ve always wanted to yell, “Hello Cleveland!!,” or “We love you, Cleveland!” to an ecstatic crowd while rocking out on a small time stage. I mean like your local bar……….as the lead singer in a Hootie and the Blowfish cover band. As far as I’m concerned that’s the greatest gig ever. Dave Grohl can have Foo Fighters and all the success there, I just want 100 people singing along with me when I say, “I’m such a baby yeah the dolphins make me cry…”
Segway to the dentist’s office. That’s where I was last Friday when I was in the waiting room looking through an old issue of Cleveland Magazine. The feature article was on Brady Quinn and Joe Thomas and how they are two of the most eligible bachelors in the Cleveland area. Now if you think I’m gay or something for actually reading the article, you can go fist yourself. Joe Thomas is a damn good looking man you homophobe!
"I enjoy walks on the beach, writing poetry, shaving my head, and laying in awkward positions." - Joe Thomas
Anyway, some female reporter conducted an interview at a restaurant in Crocker Park with the two Brownies and there was one or two pictures of each of them and then some personal information that followed. I got to thinking about how I always hear from the women in greater Cleveland that I surround myself with a very attractive crowd. I was like, “I get Joe Thomas, sure. But if an ugly face like Brady Quinn can be one of Cleveland’s most eligible bachelors, why can’t some of my friends, who are constantly having to push very attractive women off them whenever they go out, be spotlighted as eligible bachelors too?” I submitted some of their profiles to Cleveland Magazine and naturally they obliged.
Here is a preview, ladies, of some of Cleveland’s newest eligible bachelors:
#1. The Big Ginger aka Josh
Now Josh takes a Tiger Woods style beating on this blog daily due to the EOTM’s dislike of gingers. You can disregard that hate ladies as The Big Ginger enjoys singing in the shower, as well as golden showers too. Josh was excited to open up for you, ladies. Here’s what he had to say:
Cleveland Magazine: What is your occupation you ginger?
Josh: Cleveland Clinic. Neurosurgeon.
CM: Oh wow, I didn’t…
Josh: Yeah I got money.
CM: So what is your idea of the perfect date?
Josh: Going to the Pabst Blue Ribbon factory in Dayton and letting her drive me home. Maybe we’ll make a little love late-night, maybe not. Depends how the PBR’s flowing that day. Probably would though.
CM: What is your biggest accomplishment in life, Josh?
Josh: I won two national championships while playing football in college.
CM: Very Impressive. Did…
Josh: Hold on, Chief – that was my second biggest accomplishment. I once downed one of those Hungry Man meals…..you know the ones that say “3 Pounds of Food!” right on the box………..yeah, I put one of those away while doing a kegstand and saving my dog from a coyote attack. Also, this took place in the ocean. There were sharks all around me too.
CM: So what is it your looking for in a woman?
Josh: You saying I’m gay or something man?!
CM: No. What?! Why..
Josh: WHO YOU CALLIN A PSHYCO??
Anyway, in other news, they announced today that Titanic 2 will hit theaters next summer and it’s expected to rock the box office as you might expect. What I don’t get though, is HOW THE HELL ARE THEY MAKING A TITANIC 2?? I though the ship sank and that Rose broad said she would never let go but then she did and Jack sank (no pun intended) to the bottom of the Pacific. Where does that leave room for a sequel? Well, here’s the trailer:
Another individual I’d like to spotlight today is the Minnesota Golden Gopher. Here are two tapes I found of the gopher. This mascot is in it to win it:
Then there’s this…
Okay I’ve gotten way off base. And by the way, I decided halfway through this post that I would spotlight one eligible bachelor per week, so disregard like the second paragraph of this post. GOODNIGHT NOW.