Day 306: A flute with no holes is not a flute. A doughnut with no holes is a danish.

YYYYAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!  I woke up this morning and it was quite chilly!  I think it’s safe to say that winter is officially here.  It’s like 5 degrees out and I was all snuggled up in my mounds of blankets all warm and cozy.  Well I had to go to the bathroom so I decided to crawl out of my cave of a bed to do the damn thing.  Well unfortunately, along with the wall paper and bare floors in my room, the door handle is also fubar’ed and occasionally I will be locked into my room.  “Why don’t you just close the door and not shut it all the way B-MOC?” people have asked.  Well, I can’t do that because of the ADHD shelter dog that my family got back in the beginning of the year.  You see, she has what some call “retardation” and feels the urge to get into my room and eat anything she can find.  Just this year, I have gone through 15 toothbrushes, 20 razors (how a dog can eat a razor and not get f’ed up is beyond me), two pairs of shoes, a library book, socks, and countless other items that she has gotten into too.  She knows she is not supposed to do it, and I am the only member of the family she feels like needs to have his shit eaten.  Everytime I leave the house I have to shut the door all the way, because if it isn’t closed completely she will jump on the door, push it open, and have a toothbrush/razor buffet.  I swear to God, I was putting up Christmas decorations outside the other day.  She could literally watch me the entire time I was outside.  But instead, she felt like she needed to have her COLON RIPPED UP and decided to go eat my Gilette Mach 3 razor AND another toothbrush that I had owned for about 2 weeks.  You know how 9 out of 10 dentist say you should get a new toothbrush every 3 months?  WELL GOOD NEWS, I’LL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT AS LONG AS I LIVE HERE BECAUSE THAT SHIT WILL GET EATEN 5 MINUTES AGO!

Have you guys heard the new Christmas carol, "All I want for Christmas is a shit load of toothbrushes?" It's gonna be like the next Bing Crosby joint you know?

So anyway…I am locked into my own room with hundreds of Barentstein Bears laughing at me, and millions of hearts on the walls although there is no love in this room and I really have to go to the bathroom.  I can hear that my giant rat of a dog has come and jumped on my door because she probably thinks that there is something that needs to be eaten in my room.  This door is not budging at all.  I sit back down on my bed and collect myself for a moment.  I think about how it’s Christmas time and it’s a time to be thankful and to give back to others.  It’s a time to share with family and friends.  A time for good drinks and good eats.  “It’s a happy time of year!” I thought to myself……and then I went all Steven Segal and karate chopped the shit out of my door.

Needless to say….I got out of my room.  It should be interesting to see what kind of McGyver system I have to come up with to keep my stupid dog out.  But if any ladies are interested in spending the night in the EOTM room, just let me know, I’m sure I can work out some kind of understanding with my roommates considering THERE IS A GIANT HOLE IN MY DOOR NOW.

I was going to try and go to the Browns/Steelers game tonight downtown, but last night on the news Dick Goddard said he hasn’t seen it this cold since he got a hummer from the North Ridgeville Ice Queen back in the winter of 1946, so I decided to opt out and go bowling instead.  But go Browns right?  Instead of a haiku today, I am going to leave you with a very special Christmas video.  It’s the entrance video for Hacksaw Jim Duggan.  Because Santa would be nothing if it weren’t for “HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

One Love!

SELAH

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1 Comment

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One response to “Day 306: A flute with no holes is not a flute. A doughnut with no holes is a danish.

  1. i really true!!! i think your blog is cool !!! thanks for the story

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