I’m back baby!!! It’s been a few days, but I have missed all your ugly mugs, and by ugly mugs I mean the computer screen that I stare at….I have no idea what any of you look like. How has everybody been? Good I hope! Christmas is next week, it’s hard to believe because time really flies when you are unemployed. One of my new favorite past times is to think about what I was doing a year ago at this time, and last year at this time I was living on my own and going to my job everyday, and that seems like it was just a couple of months ago. When you really think about it, a year isn’t that long.
So I was thinking over the last couple of days about a new business venture that I could come up with, and that is “Pallbearer for hire”. The thing about the funeral business is that it really is a booming industry. People die every day, and somebody needs to take care of it. As sick as it sounds, there is a lot of money to be made in death, but I think the one place where the funeral organizers dropped the ball was with pallbearers. It seems like a lot of the funerals I go to are lacking enough pallbearers, and rightfully so. Not only is it a little creepy carrying a casket into and out of a hearse, those caskets are freaking heavy!!! Being a pallbearer is like dunking a basketball…not everyone can do it, and the people who can are pretty special. That’s where my idea comes into play. The last thing a grieving family wants to do is have to find a 5th or 6th person to carry the casket. What I’ll do is hang out around funeral homes and when I see an opportunity to offer my services, I’ll swoop right in. I’m still trying to figure out how I am going to inform the families in a gentle way that I charge $20 an hour AND want in on the luncheon after the funeral. Some of you may think this is sick, but I’ll have you know that pallbearers have been getting paid for years, I am just trying to give it some class.
And if this doesn’t work out, I could always fall back on another, similar profession that many famous pallbearers take part in. That’s NBA basketball coach.
So we finally have all of our Christmas decorations up. It’s nice to see all of the lights and ornaments. It’s cool seeing all of the little trinkets and colors of the season all around the house. It’s a special time of year around these parts. It’s the time of year that we reflect on the year that was, and give thanks and presents to those closest to us. It’s the time of year when my animals go especially ape shit and do the stupidest things ever. Like the other morning, when my 27 year old cat decided to jump into our Christmas tree and almost make it fall over. His motives are still unclear, but it’s nice spending a lot of time putting the tree up and making the house look festive only to have a wild card like one of our cats jump into the damn thing and make it look like the leaning tower of Pisa covered in pine needles. It’s quickly becoming a yearly Christmas tradition of having to “jimmy rig” our tree by tying it to a pulley system attached to our wall so our idiot pets don’t knock it over and destroy every ornament. A lot of families like to sit around a nice fire in the fire place, drink some hot cocoa, and watch a Christmas classic like “It’s a Wonderful Life”, “Elf”, or “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, but instead, my family sits around the tree and figures out when we need to intervene to stop it from toppling over. Last night alone I watched the pitch of our Christmas tree go from 25 to 45 degrees in about 2 hours. It’s cool though, we busted out the nail gun and secured that thing to some studs in the wall. It is so secure now, it may become a year round tree…..and the kicker is the whole time this is going on, the taliban cat is licking his ass on the kitchen table…….fantastic. I swear to God my cats love to f@$& with me.
Alright that’s it for today. Tune in tomorrow as will give you some great last minute gift ideas that are cheap too! I’m just kidding, if you haven’t bought gifts yet you are screwed. I leave you with a haiku….
Pallbearer’s get paid!
Christmas tree bolted to wall,
Cats are going down…..