Day 317: “Sex is like snow…you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last…”

WHAT…IS…UP???  How in the heck is everyone?!?!?!  I have a great story from the weekend for you!  The reason I didn’t make a post on Friday was because I took full advantage of one of the few perks of being unemployed, and that is I can leave and do anything I want whenever I want.  You see, a group of my buddies from college decided to take a road trip down to the Roanoke, Virginia area to cheer on our alma mater in the Division 3 National Championship football game.  I was fortunate enough to play in the game two times, and have only been there as a fan one time before.  The results of that particular trip were not ideal…….my team lost and I spent the night in jail, spooning with a Mexican who spoke zero English and playing Dr. Phil to a guy who threw a cynder block through his girlfriends windshield, is what I’m trying to say.  Anyway, I digress….so Friday morning I woke up, packed a bag for the game, hopped in my car and headed out to meet up with my dudes to head down to Virginia for the weekend.

The trip started out good.  It was great seeing my buddies for the first time in a long time.  We left on time and headed south to meet up with another friend of mine in southern Ohio.  We crossed into West Virginia (worst state ever) around 5:30 or so….

About an hour later, it happened………it was the perfect storm.

West Virginia satellite picture, Friday night, December 18, 2009

We were driving along I-77 south, and just as we passed Charleston (worst city ever), it started snowing….HARD.  We probably didn’t make it more than an hour past Charleston before we hit bumper to bumper traffic, and that was the beginning of the end.  It started snowing so hard, so fast, and those people down there don’t know how to drive, so the bumper to bumper traffic quickly turned into gridlock, which quickly turned into zero movement whatsoever.  Little did we know that we would move no more than a mile for the next 11 hours.  That’s right, from 7 o’clock Friday night until 6 am Saturday morning, my 4 buddies and myself were sitting in our truck, going nowhere.  It was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen.  As far as you could see in front and behind yourself, there was traffic that was going NOWHERE.  People started turning their cars off, getting out and walking down the highway.  Semi trucks got stuck and called it a night, smaller cars didn’t stand a chance and were quickly burried, and people were using I-77 as their own personal toilet.  It was unbelievable.  At first we started out doing ok.  We had plenty of food and drinks in the car that we were saving for the tailgating the next day, and we all had plenty of catching up to do and stories to tell.  We thought we would be stuck for a little while but would definitely make it to our hotel a few hours later than expected.  We couldn’t have been more wrong, and morale quickly started to get very low.  It took us about 45 minutes to eat all of our food which was not good.  I felt like I watched plenty of the shows Survivorman and Man vs. Wild to know that we had to ration our food, but that plan went out the window as soon as we found the bag of Doritos and the Christmas cookies.  I think it was around 1 o’clock in the morning when we realized that we weren’t going anywhere for the night, and we might not make the game at 11 am the next day.  It sucked to say the least.  Around 4 am I decided to throw the towel in for the night and try and get some sleep.  There were 5 of us sleeping in a pickup truck, burried in about 18 inches of snow, and we weren’t going to make it out of West Virginia to see the game.

Then at about 6 am, I awoke to the sound of the truck turning on, my buddy rolling down his window, turning the windshield wipers on, and putting the truck in drive to continue down 77 south.  Somehow, and I swear to God I have gone over this scenario 100 times over the weekend and there was no way that they could clear all of the cars in front of us in 2 hours, but it happened somehow, and we had no one in front of us so we continued on our way to Virginia.  The roads were absolutely horrific, and there were still cars completely burried on the side of the road.  We made it to a rest stop a few miles up the highway and decided to get some breakfast and find out what was going on.  Apparently we were directly in the middle of the worst snow storm in a long time.  Roanoke, Virginia (our final destination) was hit the hardest that night, and all of the major highways in the area were closed at one point or another.  A trucker informed us that 77 south was closed a few more miles south and that if we got back on the road we would be in the same situation we had just gotten out of.  NONSENSE we said.  We hopped back in the truck aka “The Coffin”, busted out the GPS and decided we would take as many backroads as necessary to get to our destination.  This was probably not the brightest idea because that area of the country is all mountains and the roads are all up and downhill, and very winding.  But luckily for us the truck had 4 wheel drive, and we had the determination to get there no matter what.  We went as far south on 77 as we possibly could.  The highway was closed once again so we turned around, and hopped onto the first backroad.  After 5 minutes on that road, we ran into this…..

WTF

This road was downhill and had about 2 feet of snow on it.  There were about 10 cars and trucks turned around or off the road.  But, thank God we were in West Virginia.  If you ever get stuck in snow or need to be pushed out, West Virginia is the place to do it.  Althought a mouth full of teeth and proper English is not so popular down there, everybody has big ass trucks and towing equipment and can get you out of whatever you are stuck in.  Also my buddy from southern Ohio spoke the language down there and although none of us knew what they hell he was talking about with those guys, he really came through big as our translator for the weekend.  We spent probably close to an hour helping all of the cars get down the hill, then we continued on our way.  The next 5 or 6 hours were spent going anywhere from 5 to 35 miles an hour, following backroads to Salem where the game was being played.  Luckily the game was pushed back to 4 pm because the weather was so bad, which gave us even more motivation to get down there.  Around 2 pm, we finally checked into our hotel.  We walked into the lobby carrying our luggage which had been wrapped in garbage bags to keep dry in the back of the truck, and we all had a case of adult beverages in our hands.  People looked at us like we were zombies, and we probably kind of looked like zombies at that point.  Zombies with garbage and beer.  We quickly showered, headed to the stadium and got about an hour of tailgating in before it was time for kickoff.

Unfortunately our alma mater didn’t win, but it was still a good game none the less.  We spent the night meeting with old coaches, current players, and fans, and the tripped turned out to be really fun.  Our drive home yesterday wasn’t nearly as eventful as the drive down, and as crazy as the weekend turned out to be, it was an absolute blast and was exactly what I needed.  We figured it out yesterday, but it took us 25 hours to get from Columbus, OH to Salem, VA, a trip that usually takes around 7 hours.  We checked into our hotel room Saturday at 2 pm, and checked out yesterday at noon.  So if you do the math, we spent more time in the truck Friday night/Saturday morning than we did not in the truck, at the hotel or at the game.  It took us 25 hours to get down there, and we spent 22 hours when we did get there.  That’s insane…..absolutely insane.  When I think about what the odds had to have been for us to actually make it to the game, and then take into consideration that we did make it, it’s even more insane.

I always watch the news and the weather channel when the weather gets really bad and they always show the stranded motorists and I am always like “Hahaha!  What dummies!  They knew it was going to snow why did they try and go out?!?!?!  Oh man they must feel like giant asses right now!  Hahahaha!”  Well that was me this weekend…..karma is a b-word.  But hey, at least we made it to “point B” and had a great experience doing it.

"Dummies...hahahaha!" - Old B-MOC. "That's really not funny at all." - New B-MOC

I wanna hand out some awards for the weekend.  First I want to give the “You Wrote the Best Songs Ever” awards to Miley Cyrus for “Party in the USA” and Taylor Swift for “You Belong With Me”.  I heard these songs a couple times this weekend >sarcasm< and if it wasn’t for those 2, I’d be dead on the side of a hill in West Virginia somewhere.  The “Worst State Ever” award goes to West Virginia as you already know.  I’d like to give the “Go Fist Yourself” award for the weekend to snow.  Go fist yourself snow.

The “D-Bag” award goes to Wisconsin Whitewater’s fans, who thought it was summer time with kind of weather.  Do us all a favor and go join Canada for Christ’s sake.  You should have done that a long time ago and PLEASE come up with a new chant.  “U-W-W” is stupid just like your accents and bearded women.  And there was a 3 way tie for the “Team MVP” award between Doritos, Garmin GPS, and 4 wheel drive.  I want to congratulate all of the winners (and losers) of the weekend.  I leave you guys with a haiku…..

Go fist yourself snow.
Highway equals urinal.
Miley Cyrus rules!

One Love!

SELAH

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