We changed it up a little bit. Instead of Tuley and myself doing a combined year in review, he did his review today, and I will do mine tomorrow. But sit back, relax, and enjoy the final Tuesday with Tuley of 2009! Take it away Tuley!
Thanks B-MOC, let’s get started!
While celebrating BMOC’s birthday downtown at local watering hole The Winking Lizard for a Cavs/Celtics game, an intimidating big black man who looked like a hybrid version of Michael Clarke Duncan and Seal, stormed out of the kitchen demanding to know, “Who dis dhere? Who dis dhere order dis turkey sandich?? Who dis dhere?!?!” I raise my hand and the guy from the green mile/the guy who sang Kissed By a Rose slams the plate down in front of me. My side of mac n cheese is in a plastic container with an expiration date on it that is less than 3 hours from now. Very Appetizing. I did get a free meal out of it and 2009 seemed to be “The Year of free food and hybrids.”
"Who dis dhere ordered dis turkey sandich?!?!"
The year started of to be one of historical proportion as Barack Obama was the first african american to be inducted as president of the United States of America. Hope and Change get off to a quick start as Joe Biden becomes the most powerful token white boy since my buddy Dan W. from Ypsilanti toured with Three Six Mafia back in ’02.
Also in month one of 2009, Alf’s legendary acting career took a Barry Bonds-like or Tiger Woods-esque hit when the E! Network featured him in an episode of True Hollywood Story. Alf was quoted in the biography as saying, “By the third season man…..I was coming in wasted nearly everyday. I mean, they would literally have to pull shit out of my fur.”
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am..." - Alf
The Super Bowl is played in a dome somewhere and some old guy performed at Halftime. Typical Super Bowl ever since Justin Timberlake played national wingman by showing everyone Janet Jackson’s boob.
After inventing the Internet, former Vice President Al Gore lays claim that he invented the wheel years ago when playing in his backyard as a child. He invented the wheel in order to aid the transportation of his G.I. Joe soldiers on their way to stop the evil Cobra Commander’s plans of total sandbox domination. Gore attempts to force all manufacturers that use wheels to pay him royalty fees. The Supreme Court simply laughs at Gore. General Motors, confused about the ruling, ceases production of all normal cars and focuses solely on the flying car market.
"I'm cereal" - Al Gore
Valentine’s Day was another dud as I was forced to listen to some girl at local watering hole Panini’s -Strongsville talk about how her fiance was meeting his ex girlfriend for years “just to enjoy some coffee and catch up – nothing more.” Turns out these coffee meetings stopped involving coffee back in ’07. Suddenly my Valentine’s Day didn’t seem so disappointing.
For the past six years, following the institution of world peace in the world, progress has been slowed by the indecisive nature of an eleven-million member government. “It’s just hard for everyone to agree on anything” said the robot clone of Franklin Delanor Roosevelt, representative for the United States of America. As of the first day of 2009, all decisions are made by consulting the Magic Eightball, the new ruler of Earth. Problems are solved quickly with simple answers such as “Signs point to yes” and “Ask me again later”. Critics claim that the Eightball is simply a power hungry, liquid-filled spear which simply spits out random answers when shaken. The Eightball, who know wishes to be known as “Ted, the World Ruler formerly known as the Eightball”, decides to have all critics stoned to death to promote loyalty to his vengeful cause and tyrannical rule.
Magic 8 ball.....do you feel like the United States needs to take proactive measures to ensure our nation's security against countries like Iran, Russia, and North Korea???
There was a huge snow storm that left most of Greater Cleveland under two-plus feet of snow and interrupted the Berea Tournament of Champions. After Team Tuley dominated the tournament on the scheduled day, one K. Hrubey deemed the winning team as “unofficial champions” because four teams were unable to make it. Two weeks later at the now “official” tourney, my four ringers stroll into the gym, less than 20 hours removed from Spring Break in Panama City and wreaking of vodka and cigars. I signed onto the team that I did so that I could just ride them out for a championship ring (or best buy gift card), but being forced into a leadership role was not in my skill-set. Needless to say, we did not make it out of our bracket and some guys nobody ever heard of won the whole damn thing. It is reported that they had a guy on their team who orders from the Senior Citizen menu at Bob Evans.
The Indians opened up their home season on a cold, dreary day at Progressive Field. A sure fun day every year, we did not end up going to the game this time. Still, the day was awesome -one of the best of ’09- and here’s why: The night before the opener, the BMOC graciously invited myself along with other friends over to his house to enjoy some spirits and watch every VHS copy of the Tribe’s Year in Review, Seasons 1994 – 2002. I hadn’t seen those videos in years, some of them probably for over ten years. There are many things in those documentaries that stuck with me from that night: First off, Rick Manning definitely looked like Ace Ventura back in the early to mid 90’s. Next, Jim Thome had one of the best quotes ever when trying to explain his approach to a crucial at-bat in a very important playoff game when he said, “I was trying to hit the ball out of the park is what I’m telling you.” Finally, Tom Hamilton is a creeper and I would never buy a house next door to him. I never realized how weird he looked until I saw some of those old tapes again. It was also confirmed this night that Tom Hamilton’s offspring is Al Pawlowski -another weirdo.
"Your balls are showing.......Bumble bee tuna!!!" - Rick Manning
The next day the EOTM, myself, Joe K, and Matty Light, and a name that escapes me took to the Rapid Station at 8 AM. It’s a no brainer that you go to the station at W 150th because you never have to pay. Anyway, once we get downtown and make our way through Tower City, we make our first stop at Picwick and Frolic on E. 4th. Local sportstalk show host Tony Rizzo was hosting his show there and the place was pretty crowded. It’s a nice way to get the day started- they have games, contests, beer, food, and an exciting crowd. The excitement level shot through the roof though at one point. BMOC blogged about this previously but in short, we met Rob Riggle aka POW! We then met Wendell, the miller high life guy. We took pictures with both and enjoyed limited conversation. Wendell did not take well to the EOTM drinking Bud Light. He was cool with me drinking Miller Lite though because he said Miller Lite is “his cousin.” The day only began there. Next stop was a name I can’t repeat on the air but it neighbors The Thirsty Parrott. That place sucked. We made our way out to scalp some tickets but decided that the a-holes on the corner were trying to hit the lottery and it wasn’t worth paying what they wanted to sit in the cold and rain. We end up watching the game at Alesci’s and ran into some other Berea alumni there who are also a very solid group. No names please. A rain delay occurred in the game and two of the girls in this group wanted us to join them on a shuttle and head to a different undisclosed location. For the next five hours, 2009 was EXCELLENT. We had a blast and then BMOC and Matty Light went home and found a stray cat. They called him CPD or something. Apparently the cat slept for hours at BMOC’s house and mashed on like five cans of Joe K’s tuna. Like Ice Cube once said, Today was a good day.
Tuley left a lot of grey area there. First, the "undisclosed location" was a "dance club"...wink wink. Second off, the cats name was Colonel Phil Donoghue, aka CPD. He did in fact eat 5 cans of tuna, and then proceeded to have explosive diarrhea all over our living room. Note for 2010, do not pick up stray cats and try to house train them. As Jim Thome would say "I saw boobies and then watched a stray black cat diarrhea all over my house is what I'm trying to say."
April 11th marked the 24th birthday of yours truly. I celebrated my bday at local watering hole as we had a softball fundraiser there that night. It was nice to have so many people come together on the same day as my birthday. Also, I had Ice Cream Cake so that was awesome too.
The Browns pass on the likes of Michael Crabtree, BJ Raji, Brian Orakpo, Aaron Maybin, Knowshon Moreno, Ray Mauauluga, and Mark Sanchez by trading down three times. Looking back now, yours truly still would have taken Crabtree but Alex Mack is really starting to come around nicely.
And by Alex Mack, he really means B-MOC.
April ended with the Indians being 140 games out of first place and looking ahead to 2010.
May is always a nice month because summer is right around the corner. May 23rd was a day that had so much promise for the future. The EOTM blog and friends thereof were at local watering hole to watch the Cleveland Cavaliers in the playoffs. Down 1-0 at home and facing a 2-0 deficit, the Cavs needed a big shot to avoid falling into a deep hole. Then it happened…..
The place went crazy. I remember bar stools literally flying through the air and beer being spilled everywhere! People were hugging strangers. It seemed like everybody was on their phone calling someone to ask, “DID YOU SEE THAT?!” It was as close to a championship celebration as this city has had in a while. Like all good things in Cleveland sports though, it came to an abrupt end as the Cavs lost that series in six games.
Also in May, Darius Rucker released his debut country album (soon to be number one on the charts) with his hit single, “Don’t Think I Don’t Think About It.” Formerly of Hootie and the Blowfish aka the greatest band ever, Rucker would be the first african american to go country since Clarence Gilyard. For those of you who aren’t into pop culture, Gilyard was Walker’s right hand man on the show Walker Texas Ranger aka the greatest show ever.
Clarence used to be white, but one day he hid in a closet and startled Chuck Norris. Mr. Norris round-house kicked him so hard he turned black. The rest is history.
I made a trip to Louisville with a large group of EOTM blog friends. In one car was yours truly, Wayner, Matty Light, and Officer Burke. In short, we drove from Cleveland to Cincinatti to meet up with the rest of the group. The aforementioned four decided to hit up downtown Cincy for just an hour to see our friend who DJ’s at a club down there. Abour four hours later, and after many free drinks we decide to continue our trip to Louisville. Now Wayner was our DD so I felt safe. Cincy to Louisville is only supposed to be an hour and a half drive. I don’t really remember so I’m not sure if this is true or not, but Wayner claims the trip took nearly four hours because we made so many bathroom stops. We made it do the Days Inn in Louisville where -in short- there was an OG that I kicked it with (I bought a bum a 40 and helped him find change), there was “the hook” and there were many southern belles that I fell in love with. I’m convinced my wife is somewhere in Louisville. The Kenny Chesney concert was great as usual and I received a speeding ticket on the way home. Officer Burke tried to flash his badge to help me get out of the ticket but if you’ve seen super troopers, you know how state highway patrol officers are.
"Lets go have another drink out of a keg in the closet in Mexico, because its 5 o'clock somehwere!" - Kenny Chesney
Sticking with Walker (why wouldn’t we….), Conan O’brien retired the “Walker Texas Ranger Lever” in June as he began to close down shop in preparation for taking over for Jay Leno on the Tonight Show. Here’s a hilarious clip:
Delonte West does a corespondence piece on ESPN’s Rome is Burning in which he tells rookie J.J. Hickson, “Plains, trains, or autoMOBILES…….You betta have my DO-nuts.”
Delonte West is a huge fan of the EOTM blog, along with unregistered automatic weapons and hot sauce in his bag.
The Cavs trade for Shaq, giving up virtually nothing. Is he the missing piece? 2010 will have the answer.
The King of Pop is no more; dead at 50. The world stops. You could burn your eyes with the same bleach that Mike Jackson bleached his skin with and still not be able to avoid the media coverage. Also, Farrah Faucett passed on as well.
The Employee of the Month blog debuts. I remember the day I received an e-mail from BMOC saying that he was debuting a blog and later offered me an opportunity to jump on board. He said I’m lucky that my last name starts with “T” but I’m not really sure what that means. The first month of the blog featured posts on shirt bling, Leslie Nielsen dreams, mustaches, the first Tuesday’s with Tuley, and a five day layoff less than five weeks into blogging. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be where I am in life today if not for the EOTM blog. I owe my life to it.
In late July the Huge Men’s Softball team entered and dominated an overnight softball tournament. Actually, until I see this on video, I’m not sure that it did happen. I play on that team and was there for each and every game but I don’t understand how a group of 10 drunks from Smalltown, Ohio can overcome such odds and so many “softball guys” to become champions of the world. And by world I mean Massillon, Ohio. Seriously though, 40 or so teams, about 9 cases of beer, 11 minutes of sleep, 1 goal accomplished. Oh, and 1 eight pound sub from Wal-Mart (see The Big Ginger). 20th Century Fox and Time Warner Media are bidding for the rights to produce a movie about our story as we speak.
The Indians trade Cliff Lee, Victor Martinez, and Ryan Garko. One of my favorite all-time youtube videos is released shortly thereafter:
Matty Light utters one of the most controversial and threating remarks ever and B-MOC blogs about it: “If we are going to jail tonight, it won’t be for disorderly conduct……………it’ll be for murder.”
Delonte West and his boy rap about KFC and hot sauce. My favorite line from this free-style is still:
Top hat, shades on, rollin on, chicken mane
Come home, Gucci Mane, betta call me da chicken mane.
I need this t-shirt!
The Browns begin training camp under new head coach Eric Mangini. A starting QB is not named and the mess begins.
The blog releases it’s first ever NFL predictions. Let’s see how we fared:
B-MOC predicted that the Steelers would win the AFC North, while the Bengals would finish third. Wrong. He also predicted that Joe Flacco looks like Bert from Sesame Street. Right! The Titans did not beat out the Colts in the AFC south either B-MOC, sorry about your luck. You did hit the powder right on the nostril though by predicting that Matt Jones is a coked out Wide Receiver. Nice job on that one! As for the AFC East, your loyalty to Chad Henne really burned you here as the Patriots stayed the course, albeit on a down year. All is not lost though, as Hubs did envision the Chargers to win the West, outlasting “Neckbeard” as he referred to him. I guess Shawne Merriman beating up Tila Tequila proved to not be a distraction.
As for the NFC, I had Minnesota, New Orleans, Arizona, and Philadelphia as the final four in that conference. I think I took the cake on this year’s predictions. Don’t believe me? Look it up: https://hubsub54.wordpress.com/2009/08/18/day-192-tuesdays-with-tuley/
My “fantasy players to watch were a little sketchy though. Guys like Al Alfalva, Sean Taylor, and Keanu Reeves didn’t do much of anything this season. I guess when you pick a guy like Chester Taylor as a “player to watch” and then follow that up with a comment like, “When A.Pete blows out his knee, you’ll be in line for fantasy glory,” karma can be a bitch.
Patrick Swayze dies.
R.I.P. Patrick Swayze
Kanye West hates white people. And Taylor Swift. And her speech.
The blog goes on the road to San Antonio, Texas where we learn about Mexicans and irate cab drivers.
There is a blog hiatus due to technical difficulties.
Delonte West rides a three wheel motorcycle with weapons of mass destruction hidden in guitar cases. Maybe in 2010 we will find out where he was heading.
The Indians fire Manager Eric Wedge.
...and the Indians consider possibly moving the franchise to Anchorage, Alaska.
The Big Ginger’s brother gets married. Ginger’s every rejoice.
The Browns are at their lowest in back to back games against the Packers and the Bears.
B-Moc blogs about a bowling league that he joined with some friends. He writes the longest poem in the history of recreational poetry about it. Here’s an excerpt:
We entered the third game up two games to none.
Harrell was half in the bag, but we were all having fun.
Pin pin ain’t easy took it easy with our comfortable lead,
Darren Hass was headbaning the wall making himself bleed.
The D-bags were still whining about how they were getting screwed,
T Anz went all Stephanie Tanner on them and said “How rude!”
We learn of Darren Hass, aka the Bad Ass.
B-Moc receives mysterious phone calls from operators asking him to put sex on their faces.
B-Moc blogs about possible Halloween costumes for this year. Here is a look back:
“A lot of people like to dress up like celebrities in the news, and this year will most likely be no different. I heard some popular celebrity costumes this year include Michael Jackson….”
also Patrick Swayze…..
and my personal favorite, Billy Mays…….
Flying cars finally arrive. After years of speculation, mostly caused by wild claims of Presidential hopeful Pat Buchanan and early science fiction books which said we would have flying cars before the year 2000, the first flying cars are released in North America. Consequently, flying car related deaths are nearly tripled. Still, people love the freedom brought by flying cars and their sales “soar”.
Issue 3 passes and Cavs Owner Dan Gilber will be building a “state-of-the-art” casino in Downtown Cleveland.
The Browns are shutout by the Ravens on Monday Night football. An embarrassing effort in which star-everything Josh Cribbs was taken off the field on a stretcher as the game concluded on a totally meaningless play. Jon Gruden makes a postgame comment where he says, “I’ll tell you what, these fans in Cleveland are about the best in the league and right now they’re being robbed. This city needs competitive football, deserves competitive football as much as the league needs fans like these ones here tonight.”
Along with the new contract that Josh Cribbs wants for the new year, he would also appreciate it if the team supplied him with a helmet that has a face mask.
The Ohio State-Michigan game is an exciting one for Buckeye honks everywhere as the OSU defense manhandled Tate Forcier on their way to a 21-10 victory.
Thanksgiving was in November this year and it was a good one. The night before is deemed as the biggest drinking night of the year……whatever that means. Well local watering hole “The UD” was absolutely hopping. It was hard to even move in that place and people were waiting four-deep for the length of the bar just to order a drink. A good night though for the locals.
THE BROWNS BEAT THE STEELERS ON NATIONAL TV. The wind chill pushed temperatures to -10 but Josh Cribbs was absolutely phenomenal, as was the defense. Ben Roethlisberger was sacked eight times and the city of Cleveland was electric following this game. This win was also the beginning of what is now a three game winning streak.
Jerome Harrison rushes for the third most yards ever in a game against the Kansas City Chiefs. Harrison had 286 yards and 3 Touchdowns.
Some show that I’ve never seen an episode of, Jersey Shore, is what all the kids are talking about. All I know is that somebody showed me a youtube video of a guy on the show punching some girl right in the face. Completely unneccasary but almost unbelievable too. Here’s the video I was shown:
Trash TV? Yeah, I think so.
Christmas came and went and BMOC bought his dad the book, “Vantriliquism for Dummies.”
2010 should be an interesting year. I hope it’s a good one for all of you! Be safe on New Years Eve and keep it classy, ladies!!!