Well there are a just under 36 hours left in 2009. Tuley got it started off right yesterday, and now I give you my 2009 year in review!
On January 1st 2009, I ate chicken. You might say to yourself, “so what B-MOC?” And to that I say, apparently it is bad luck to eat chicken on January 1st. The legend is that if you eat chicken or turkey on New Year’s day, then you shall have to scratch in the dirt for your food, just like those types of birds do. By “scratch in the dirt for food” they mean experience economic hardship or bring poverty on to ones self. BLAH BLAH BLAH, those were some of the best chicken tenders I ever had. Crazy chicken myths….
At this point, I was still employed, and was excited when I got to move into a cubicle with a window view. This might sound weird, but it really motivated me to work harder staring at the side of a building 10 feet away at the huge snow mounds everywhere.
Around this same time, I was also self diagnosed with “ergasiophobia”, or a persistent fear of work for those of you unfamiliar with the term. It is a terrible illness that affects 1000 people, every 100,000 years. Don’t believe me? Look it up!
January is also the month of my birthday. For 2009 all I wanted for my birthday was to see a guy who looked like Seal to give Tuley some nearly rotten food. WISH GRANTED!!!!
February 6th 2009, I was laid off from my job. It was a Friday, it was a weird day. It was awkward cleaning out my cubicle (which now had a window view) with everybody else kind of watching me. It was like they were waiting for me to smash my computer or throw my office chair. But I didn’t do what everybody thought I was gonna do……AND FREAK OUT!
I drove home, called my parents and told them what was going on, and then I sat on my couch and watched an Indians game taped from 2008 on STO. It was nice seeing a baseball game on tv in February. It was at that moment that I decided I would not shave or get a hair cut until I got a face to face interview. At this point, I also started planning out a road trip to Goodyear Arizona to watch the Tribe in Spring Training, although that did not happen.
The basketball rec league I was playing in wrapped up in late February. It was cool because the league hired stat keepers who then put the game stats online. At the end of the year I led the league in turnovers, swear words, ejections, and most folding chairs thrown at an official. In other words…it was a good season!
In March of 2009, I took a hiatus from being unemployed and made a road trip. I headed down to Memphis, Tennessee for a long weekend to visit one of my friends. I was only there for a few days, but I was able to do so much neat stuff. Like take a dump at Graceland, and eat at a Mexican restaurant. That’s actually all I did while I was down there, but it was nice to get away for a little while.
I also took the opportunity in the month of March to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day hardcore. I woke up at 6:30 am to have my first Guiness and Irish Car Bomb, then proceeded to head down town later in the day to watch girls pee their pants and drunk guys go all UFC over everybody’s asses. It was great!
March was also a sad month for me, as my family and I had to put our St. Bernard Abby to sleep. She was the coolest dog ever, and she really loved our whole family. It was hard to see her have to go but she had a good run, and now her carcus makes a wonderful rug in our family room. I keed, I keed. And I just want to say that NO, she was not Beethoven. That worm ridden shelter dog couldn’t hold a candle to Abby.
April rolled in like a lamb…or however that saying goes. The showers brought ships….or whatever. Anyway, I really started getting bored not having a job in April. There are some many video games to be played, movies to watch, and lite bright pictures to punch out.
Anyway, since I started getting so bored, I began writing my book which is called “Everybody’s a Whore”. I am almost done with it, and am still looking for a publisher to pick it up and hopefully it can hit shelves sometime late next year. It’s basically about how everybody is crazy and touches on a lot of the stupid stuff that people do.
April was also the first time in my life that I went more than 24 hours without putting pants on. I went from a Monday night to a Thursday evening without wearing pants. Was I ashamed? Nope! Did I have bed sore on my ass? You betcha! Since that week in April 2009, I have performed the feat of not putting on any pants in a 24 hour period 14 times. Eat your heart out Roman Polanski!
After the difficult task of putting my dog to sleep back in March, my family decided not to get another dog for a long time. So in May we got another puppy, and named her Lyla. She has been referred to on this blog as “my best friend”, “shit head”, and “dog with ADD”. She was pretty freakin cute back in the day, but just like Colonel Phil Donahugh (the stray cat I took in that Tuley referred to yesterday), she had a problem with shitting all over the place.
May was also the month that I ran in the Cleveland Half Marathon. A half marathon is 13.1 miles, and I finished it in a little over 2 hours. It was hard training for the race in the months leading up to the race, but I’ll tell you what, crossing that finish line was one of the greatest feelings I have ever had in my life. I would love to show you a picture from that race, but Brightroom Photography doesn’t allow me to copy and paste a picture of myself. They charge people $ for pictures of race participants. So the fact that someone I don’t know could order a picture of me, and pay Brightroom for that picture, and Brightroom Photography can make a profit off of my picture without me knowing it sounds wrong to me. I know I am getting off topic here, but I am planning on suing the crap out of Brightroom in 2010. Anyway, by this time of the year I looked like Forrest Gump when he decided to run cross country.
I finished in third place in the “unemployed obese people” category, and the chaffing that ensued made me not be able to walk for a week, and my nipples just stopped bleeding at Thanksgiving. Either way, it was awesome and I plan on doing it again in 2010!
June was the month that I had to move back home with my parents because of my financial restrictions due to being unemployed. As many of you know by now, my room is covered with teddy bears and hearts, and is the perfect bachelor pad if I was a 6 year old girl.
During this month I also sent in my audition tapes for Survivor and the Real World. Having little luck with the job search at this point, I also apply for a job as an ice cream truck driver in Northeast, OH, and never hear anything back from Survivor, the Real World, or Mr. Tasty’s Ice Cream Truck Service. You 3 can go fist yourself.
Also in June, the New Hampshire Governor signed into legislation a bill allowing same sex-marriage in the state. Brady Quinn soon buys a house in Rochester, New Hampshire.
July was probably the best month of 2009 for me. In a matter of a couple of days I had job interviews lined up with local police departments to become a police officer. I went from not getting any leads on anything to scheduling interviews and getting all of the documentation that I needed. My life got a little hectic in July!
I was required to take 2 polygraphy tests. I am not sure if I mentioned this on the blog already, but taking a polygraph test is like running through a cornfield….naked…..backwards. It sucks is what I am trying to say. The mind f-ing I took on those tests was so intense that I piss my pants anytime I go near a running microwave.
Always one of the hottest months of the year, I sweat a record 4 and half gallons. Most of which was condensed in my beard. When I had to shave for my police officer interviews, I had mold on my face. I never told anyone that until now. I keed, I keed.
And of course, who can forget that July 7th was the day this glorious blog was brought into the world! A friend of mine suggest that I blog about my day to day activities while unemployed, and almost 6 months later, here I am posting “TITS” lite bright pictures, talking about fistings, and ranting about nothing at all! I love the internet!
Nothing particularly exciting happened in August for me. I mean, the blog did surpass the 100,000,000 hit mark, but everyone pretty much saw that coming.
In sports news, Brett Favre took a break from making cut off Wrangler’s popular again to take another whirl at the NFL. He gets grayer and grayer every day, and starts to resemble that guy who played Hellboy in the Hellboy movies minus the caveman brow ridge.
September was a month full of surprises for this guy. I became the proud father of 400+ baby praying manti that my praying mantis laid. She didn’t make it through the pregnancy, but her sack-o-eggs is still fermenting in the cage in my room. It should be interesting to see when those little bastards hatch and the chaos that will hatch soon after. I think the word “manti” is a funny word. Whenever I see it it makes me think of, like some Japanese, animated, homosexual porn or something. But that may be just me. Anyway….
I got head lice from trying on hats at a Lidz store at the mall. Now if I could just figure out where the pubic ones came from…..I keed, I keed! There is not one ounce of truth in that entire statement! Haha.
President Obama told kids to “work hard” and to “stay in school” so that they can get laid off from their jobs in the near future. My first round of unemployment benefits expires, and I have to file for my first extension. OHHH YEAHHH!!!
October was also a pretty uneventful month. I had to meet back again with the cities I interviewed with in July for a police officer job, so I had a lot of sitting and waiting again.
Cleveland made headlines when several bodies were found inside the house of Anthony Sewell on the cities east side. For several weeks, news anchors all over the area are ecstatic about the amount of national coverage they are receiving, even if they don’t realize why the city is in the spot light.
Around the same time, in Colorado, a father exploited his son for 15 minutes of fame when he let his prototype “balloon” go into the sky and claimed that his young son was inside. It turns out that there was no boy inside, and that this guy is a douche bag. He know will spend time in jail, and also get a big “go fist yourself” from yours truly.
In November, the highly anticipated video game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 was released. The EOTM entertainment department (me) purchased the game at a special midnight release party. The game smashed every single record of everything ever sold, ever. It quickly leads to me getting extremely pissed, screaming obscentities and children, and hating myself and my family.
In food news, I once again smashed my own record for eating black and green olives at Thanksgiving. Last year’s world record was 467 olives, which I beat by 33 to make an even 500. I would like to thank Spain and Blacks for making their delicious olives.
In completely random news, this lady had her blood pressure checked to try and figure out why her eyes are bulging out of her head so bad.
Also, Dane Cook tried to sue me for using the Employee of the Month name because he made that shit movie a couple of years ago and wants to get paid somehow because he isn’t funny anymore. I told him to go fist himself, and the legal issue was resolved.
And we finally come to December. My favorite tv station of all time, TLC, out does itself once again as it comes out with a new show called “One Big Happy Family” which follows around a family of four obeses African Americans. Other potential names for the show were “TheExtra Large Cosby’s”, “Family Matters XL”, and “Meet the Extra Large Browns”.
It only took 6 months, but it is finally revealed that Lady Gaga does not have a hermie dick, guys everywhere rejoice and immediately add her back to their “top ten lists”.
In weather news, Dick Goddard forgot to mention that the east coast would be getting slammed by 2 feet snow the same day that I was driving to Virginia. I was then stranded in a truck which did not move for 12 hours. Thanks Dick.
And we come to right now. The end of the year! Looking back on 2009, I can honestly, and wholeheartedly say that it SUCKED!!! It was hands down the worst year of my life. Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot of good that happened to myself and a lot of other people. However at the same time, I lost a lot of friends and family, lost my job, and spent so much time and energy looking for a new one that I will be the happiest person in Ohio tomorrow at midnight. I have always been a person with a positive outlook on life, but whenever I needed a little “pick me up” in 2009, I got punched in the gut and knocked down a few pegs, and I can’t help but think about how I ate chicken on 01/01/2009. For some reason that has been in the back of my head for the last 12 months. Needless to say I will not be eating chicken on New Year’s day in 2010. All of you regular readers of the EOTM blog know that I like to tell stupid people/things to go fist themselves from time to time. Well today, I want to give one more final “go fist yourself” of the year, to the year 2009. GO FIST YOURSELF 2009!