Day 333: “Just because you watch a porno movie doesn’t mean you got laid!”

WOOOO WOOOO!!!!  What is up?  I gotta make a quick post today, I gotta go register my car and get a new driver’s license so I want to allow myself as much time as possible.

I was watching one of my all time favorite sports movies last night, The Mighty Ducks, and I got to thinking…..you see so many movies get “re-released” on DVD, or a movie will be “digitally remastered”, or it will be the 25th anniversary edition of the movie.  Well I personally think that is bull hicky.  There are d-bags who probably get paid a lot of money to come up with the idea that, “HEY!  WE SHOULD RE-RELEASE MARY POPPINS BECAUSE IT CAME OUT 25 YEARS AGO!”, or a guy who is like “I haven’t seen Robin Hood in like 10 years, let’s remake that!”  It’s lazy, and the sad part is they do stuff like that for a reason, because there are idiots out there that pay to see that stuff.  I’m sick and tired of stuf like that…..but I want in.

Anyway, The Mighty Ducks….I was thinking about writing a new script for D4….but instead of copping out and just remastering the first movie, I want to reunite the gang for an entirely new movie.  Here’s what I got so far, let me know what you think!

The movie starts with everybody getting a call that two of their former friends have suddenly passed away.  The first, Greg Goldberg, had a massive heart attack at the age of 31.  Or as the Ducks would refer to it…a massive heart a-quack! AHHHH!!!  Anyway, he had a massive heart attack at age 31, just hours before Coach Gordon Bombay died of a cocaine overdose after he OD’ed doing the “booger candy” off of Julie The Cat’s ass at a strip club.  That’s right, Julie the Cat is now a stripper whose stage name is….Julie the Cat.

R.I.P. Goldberg....even though you were the WORST goalie in the history of hockey, you didn't deserve to choke on your heart after it exploded in your chest.

"Quack quack quack Mr. Ducksworth! AHHHHH IM DEAD!" - Gordon Bombay's last words.

So, since Julie the Cat was there when Coach Bombay died, she has the task of calling everybody from the team…plus she is a big skank now and wants to give “handies” to everyone anyway.

Whore

She starts by calling team captain Charlie Conway.  The scene cuts to a double wide trailer, whereabouts unknown, and the camera shows a close up of a Kermit the Frog phone ringing.  An empty beer can is thrown at it and knocks the receiver to the floor.  You hear a bunch of screaming kids, a loud BURP, see a hand pick up the reciever, and enter Charlie Conway.  A bearded, unemployed, 300 lb Charlie Conway.  You see a flashback of the last 15 years of his life….him never making it in the pros,  getting heavy into booze, him getting like 5 different women knocked up, him giving hummers in his trailer park to pay for more booze.  It’s sad to see the leader of the ducks in this condition, and only after Julie the Cat tells him there will be an open bar at the funeral home does he agree to show up.

"Have you ever sucked !@# for a Pabst?" - Charlie Conway

Julie the Cat’s next phone call goes to Cake Eater.  Some will argue that Cake Eater was the best player on the Ducks, he just didn’t have the leadership qualities like Charlie did.  Well either way, the kid could skate.  That’s why after the Junior Olympics in D3, Cake Eater went to the University of North Dakota.  He scored 1 million goals in one season, changed his name to Sidney Crosby, and now plays for the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Julie the Cat gets his voice mail, leaves a message about how she wants him to put sex on her face and about how Coach Bombay and Goldberg died.

That wrist really healed up nicely eh Cake Eater?

So for the first half of the movie, The Cat just makes calls and you see how the team has grown up.  You find that Averman is a virgin who still lives with his parents and is unsuccessfully pursuing an online poker career.

"Go Fish!" - Averman

We see that Felton Reed is doing life in federal prison for accidentally decapitating a family of four with one of his slapshots.  What started as your everday neighbor dispute ended with four innocent heads rolling in the street, and a washed up, dislexic, hockey star behind bars.

Monster

Guy Germaine is a registered sex offender in the Chicago land area.  You may remember Mr. Germaine as the little Rico Suave of the bunch.  Well it ended up getting him busted after he was caught hanging out at a few too many junior figure skating events with his hands in his pants.  He now lives in the attic of an old lady’s house and spends his free time introducing himself to his neighbors…..as mandated by the state of Illinois.

Yeah...I bet you love those triple toe loops you sick bastard!

I mean you could go on and on with this…….but anyway, the climax of the movie occurs when they all meet at the cemetery for the first time since D3.  For one blissful moment, they put their crappy lives on the back burner, give each other a hug, and decide to honor their fat ass goalie and their Coach one last salute by carrying their caskets in the flying V formation.

I know the story line could use some additions and a little bit of tweaking, but what I’m really stuck on right now is what to call the movie.  I have a few ideas I’d like you guys to vote on.

Alright well I gotta go stand in line at the DMV.  I’m not gonna lie, I have been to the DMV a couple of times in my lifetime, and I don’t think it’s as bad as everyone says it is.  I mean I don’t get how people complain about standing in a 20 minute line at the DMV, but then go stand in line 4 hours for the Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point for a 30 second ride.  I mean give the DMV a chance guys is what I’m trying to say!

No haiku today, instead I leave you with a “website of the day” I want you to take a look at.  My sleeping pattern has been all whacked the last few days and I wake up at like 4:30 in the morning for no reason.  I’ll turn the tv on to try and fall back asleep but their is nothing good on.  This morning however, I came across an infomercial for “Your Baby Can Read” and I thought it was awesome.  Their website is www.yourbabycanread.tv and it is sure to provide some entertainment if not nightmares.  I think I thought it was so awesome because I was able to read by the time I was 4 months old, so I guess I feel a connection with these reading babies.  Anyway, I’ll talk to you later!

One Love!

SELAH


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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Day 333: “Just because you watch a porno movie doesn’t mean you got laid!”

  1. Tuley

    This post was hilarious. I’d like to know what Knucklepuck is up to and I wouldn’t mind seeing the script for Rookie of the Year 2.

    • This has to be the greatest post Employee of the Month has ever had. You need to work on the script a little bit more, but this movie has potential. Disney sure as shit won’t do it, but there’s someone out there who will pay for this movie to be made.

      • Yeah I was thinking about getting Darren Aronofsky to do it, you know the guy who did “The Wrestler” and “Requiem for a Dream”. I feel like this could really be a moving film about the human soul and I think he would do good with it. If he doesn’t work….I’m gonna try and get the guy who did all of the “Ernest” movies instead.

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