MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE READERS TO THE BLOG! AND THEY’RE LIKE, NOTHING’S BETTER THAN YOURS! What is up?!?! Today, I want to share with you a story about something that happened to me back in the beginning of 2009. I remember the date…it was February 7th, 2009…the day after I got laid off. It was a Saturday and I had some friends over my place and we were joking and laughing and having a few spirits. It was a good time and it was a nice way for me to take my mind off of being laid off. Anyway, I need to backtrack a little and explain some important details first.
In the summer of 2008, I came into possession of a gigantic stuffed Sponge Bob. When I say gigantic, I mean this m-f-er was at least 4 and a half feet tall, and 3 and a half feet wide.
It was funny when I first got him you know what I mean? I would come home from work and there would be a gigantic Sponge Bob just chilling in my living room staring at me. I would sometimes engage in random conversations with it when I was the only one home. I’d be like “What up humungous Sponge Bob? How was your day? WHAT HAPPENED ON YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS?!?!?! NO WAY!!!!” Anyway, it was all fine and dandy for a couple of months.
Then one day, giant Sponge Bob just started losing his appeal. Like I had a bad day at work and I would come home and just see his stupid face and his shit eating grin staring at me. And I’d get so mad at him, like “What the hell are you staring at you yellow dummy!” He started taking up a lot of space, not cleaning up after himself, just being a real prick. I eventually had to move him up stairs. Instead of putting him in the extra bedroom or in our storage space, I kept him right at the top of the stairs so in case I felt I needed him around at any moment he wouldn’t be too far. He looked like the lion in the jungle up there….just watching over his kingdom. “Everything the light touches, is your kingdom!”
So back to our story. It’s February 7th, and my friends and Uncle Jack are hanging out and I am being consoled about losing my job. It’s starting to get late into the evening so everyone is starting to figure out their sleeping arrangement. I got up from my seat in the living room to walk into the kitchen, when all of a sudden something very large bumped into me from behind. I turn around to see giant Sponge Bob and his stupid face practically laughing at me. Somehow he had become unperched from his throne at the top of the stairs right as I was passing below, and he ran into me!!!
What happened next till this day still remains a blur. I quickly found out how everybody else felt about giant Sponge Bob as we all took turns punching him and kicking him in his giant stupid head. That was all fine and dandy for about 10 minutes. And then….out of nowhere….a knife came into the picture. I don’t remember who picked it up first, or who took the first of many, many stabs, but what ensued has now become known as the “Giant Sponge Bob Massacre”. For about the next hour, we systematically dismantled Sponge Bob with that giant blade. Stab, after stab, after stab, after stab. We did not stop until all that was left was yellow stupid skin and about 8 inches of foam stuffing. You don’t realize until after you stab the hell out of a giant stuffed Sponge Bob exactly how much stuffing those things actually have. I don’t mean that there was 8 inches in one little pile on the floor. I mean our entire kitchen was COVERED in giant Sponge Bob guts. Even in death, that giant bastard was a pain in my ass.
I moved out of that house this past June, and I swear to God we would still find little pieces of that stuffing in the most random places. Under my pillow, under the fridge, on the ceiling, in our washer! I hate to say it, but that giant Sponge Bob had it out for us, and he got what he had coming to him. Do I regret what I did? Absolutely not! He overstayed his welcome by about 6 months or so. I was never a big fan of Sponge Bob, I mean I was pretty neutural towards his cartoon show. But after that day, anytime I hear that stupid voice of his, it makes my blood curdle, and I get that look in my eye…..the same look I had that night.
A wise old man once told me that wise old men were allowed to touch me in my private area. Another old man once told me that if at the end of the day you can say, “I had a good day”, then that is all that matters in life. Well…….we had a good day on February 7th, 2009.
Alright well I gotta go get some lunch and begin my stretches for bowling tonight. I return to the lanes after a 3 week lay off due to the holidays. I’m excited to start throwing rocks again in 2010! Well I will talk to you all tomorrow, have a good one! I leave you with a haiku…
Sponge Bob was a douche,
His guts wound up in our juice
Patrick…..you are next!