Day 376: “Hello airplanes? It’s blimps….uh….YOU WIN!”

HOW GOES IT?!?!  It’s Friday afternoon and I am delivering to you what I like to consider your daily 5 hour energy drink or Red Bull whichever you prefer, and by that I mean my blog.  It’s getting to that point in the work day where you have pretty much packed it in for the week and you are looking forward to getting out of there.  Well let me help give you that push out the door!

Today I had my final physical and stress test.  I was poked, prodded, and paraded around like a show dog all morning long, but other than that everything went ok!  I started my morning off with a stress test.  If you haven’t had one before, it basically just consists of you walking on a treadmill for 15 minutes.  Every 3 minutes the speed and incline of the treadmill increases until you get to your target heart rate during exercise which is around the 160 or 170 mark for most people.  I did really well on it but the fact that the doctor giving me the test was a little weasily dork and that he wouldn’t let me jog up a 18 degree incline at 5 mph made my heart race a lot towards the end of it considering I wanted to punch him in the face.

Here is a nice illustration done by a 5 year old of what a stress test really looks like. Thanks to whoever wasted their time drawing this so I could put it on my blog!

After that I had to go down the street to another part of the hospital where I met the HOTTEST MILF nurse I have ever seen in my life.  Her name was Jennifer and she was amazing.  The thing was, she wasn’t like a Jessica Alba mom where she is like 28 and still really hot and has a kid.  This nurse had some mileage on her but my Lord she was gorgeous!  She knew it too which was kind of fun.  She was wearing these sexy little glasses and her hair was down and kept falling over her face.  She had a little belly shirt on and her body was fantastic considering she probably already went through menopause.  I started to think I was either getting punked or becoming a part of an impromptu adult film because she was the person doing 95% of my physical and she was doing all of this really hot stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, she drew my blood and poked me with some other needles which sucked, but the other stuff she was doing was incredible.  I had to give her a urine sample, or as the medical field refers to it, a “piss test”.  Anyway after she did whatever she had to do she was like, “Oh I’m gonna wash my hands” and so she walks over to the sink and starts washing and accidentally squirts hand soap all over her shirt, REALLY CLOSE TO HER BREASTS!  So she turns to me with her soapy boobs and in her hot kinky mom voice is like “Look what I did!  Aren’t I so silly?!?!” in which I quickly replied “THAT IS SILLY!  What’s the next breast I have to do?” when I clearly meant to say test.

"Oh no I got soap all over my lucious breasts! I'm such a clutz!" - Hot nurse Jennifer "My bathing suit area is tingling..." - Me

That wasn’t even the best part of it though!  I had to do this test called a “spirometric test” which basically just tested my lung capacity.  The way it works is there is this giant piston hooked up to this tube and a computer.  The person being tested (myself) takes the tube and has to wrap their lips around it tightly and blow as hard as they can into the tube for at least 6 seconds and however far the piston moves along with some other equations and crap determines what an individuals lung capacity is.  Well I had never taken one before so Nurse Jenny (I asked if I could call her Jenny and she said yes!  I am just kidding I didn’t ask her that at all), I mean Nurse Jennifer had to demonstrate the proper way to perform the test.  Let’s just say she explained it so well that I went from 6 to midnight really quick if you catch my drift.

This girl who belongs on the side of a milk carton is performing the correct form for a spirometric test. Now this is not Nurse Jennifer, but just picture a really hot MILF nurse doing it and you will know how I felt.

Also, her choice of words during this time was pretty questionable to say the least.  She was all like “you gotta take a deep breath and blow as hard as you can” and make the mouth gesture.  In the meantime I stood there in shock trying to pull my shirt down as far as possible.  My favorite line of hers was probably, “you want to keep your lips tightly secured around the tube and bite down BUT DON’T BITE DOWN HARD…just use a little teeth.”  Hands down, the best nurse ever!  She was a true professional and her technique was flawless!

"You don't want to be a biter!"

After that I had to meet with an actual doctor and she was a nice middle aged women who had quite a sense of humor on her.  She just had to give me a quick “once over” as far as the physical went, but my favorite part was the series of questions she asked me while staring at me dead in the eyes with no expression on her face.

Question 1, are you pregnant?

“Uhhh…..no.”

Question 2, are you an amputee? (As she deliberatly stares at my arms and legs)

“Hmm, no I am not.  I’m all here!”

Question 3, do you watch Law and Order?

“Sorry, I don’t.”  Then she proceeded to check my eyes and ears, have me touch my toes, and that was it.  It was kind of weird and she was an interesting doctor to say the least, but looking back on my morning, it was the coolest doctors office I have ever been to for sure!

And with that being said, my busy week is officially over!  Now we just sit and wait until Monday.  That is all I have for now.  I hope everyone has a great weekend and I’ll see you next week!  I leave you with a haiku….

Soapy boobies rule!
Nurse Jen is for sure a 10,
Blow test one more time?

One Love!

SELAH

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