Day 55: “It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets it’s wings. But what they don’t tell you is, every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

HOLLLERRRR!!!!!  HEEEEYYYOOOOOO!!!!  Man I have been waking up early on Saturday mornings so jacked up lately that all I can do is blog.  I don’t know why that is, but I love this feeling of adrenaline I have been getting lately.  I just got my oil changed in my car and I felt like I was skydiving.  I’ll give you $10 if you can guess what t-shirt I am wearing right now.  Give up?

HEEEEYYYYOOOOO!!!! God it gets me every time! Hahahaha! Get it? The mushroom is saying "I'm a fun guy". Holy shit that's funny!

Anyway, let’s get into today’s topics……

So the last couple of weeks I have been engaged in a serious debate of whether or not Lady Gaga is hot.  You see, I enjoy watching music videos on youtube and I came across her one video….you know the one where she is dressed like a freak (sarcasm).  Anywho, I was watching this video thinking to myself “man Lady Gaga looks like a freak” and then there would be a close up of her looking normal and I would then think to myself “man Lady Gaga looks really good!”  I was torn, so I started asking my friends how they thought about her.  I heard really good arguments from both sides and didn’t gain any ground in the debate, so that leads us to right now.  I wanted to take it to the blog followers to see what you guys think.  I have prepared an argument for this topic.

In 2009, the name of my fantasy football team was “Lady Gaga’s Hermie Dicks”.  For those of you who do not know what a “hermie dick” is, it is basically short for hermaphrodite penis.  Hermaphrodites have both male and female genitalia.  At one of Lady Gaga’s performances in Europe some time ago, there was video and pictures of her with a bulge in under her dress.  I guess eventually this bulge popped out and everyone saw her “hermie dick”.

"Finkle is Einhorn? Einhorn is Finkle???"

Holy shit!  DO YOU SEE THAT BLUE MO-PED ON STAGE?!?!  Hahaha, just kidding, there is one giant wiener hanging out of that dress.  So…..needless to say I threw up in my mouth when I saw that, and proceeded to name my fantasy football team after that little incident.  BUT, apparently Lady Gaga wore a strap on for that performance to kind of mock the whole entertainment industry and the paparazzi or whatever.  If that’s true, I like that move on her part.  It’s clever/disgusting and is really the reason I decided to dive into this whole investigation.

Ms. Gaga is famous for dressing like a weirdo/robot/like she is on LSD.  I don’t really dig that whole thing.  I mean when she dresses weird it is really f-ing weird.

Are you serious?

What the fuck........when was she on Ellen???

And here she does her best impression of the Slim Jim Guy. Randy Savage is pissed.

Right….she is a weirdo who wears rings on her head and covers herself with crow feathers and blood and fake spiky hair.  It reminds me of middle schoolHEEEEYYYYOOOOOOO!!!!  But there is another side to Lady.  I have seen pictures of her where she looks really really good!

Hey mommy!!!

It's a shitty Ray Charles impersonation is you ask me, but I think she looks good here.

Is this the same woman who has a bigger package than I do???

So here I am, back at square one.  I really am starting to believe that Lady Gaga is actually two different people.  One is a guy who got laid off from Brueger’s Bagels back in 2006 who fell into a giant vat of heroin and is permanently partially brain dead, and the other is a gorgeous woman who likes to sing.  I want to take it to a vote and see what all of you think.

I’ll tell you what I think.  As long as Lady Gaga can keep her junk thoroughly hidden and keep the fake blood, wigs, and loud makeup away from me, she is definitely hot.  Everytime I think that I feel like a part of me is disappointed in myself for thinking that.  I guess I really just hate her for making me wrap my head around this so much, but whatever.

In sports news, the NFL draft was this past Thursday and the Cleveland Browns were once again recognized as a real professional team and able to take part in it this year!  Yaaaayyyyy!!!  The big news came on day 2 when they drafted former Texas quarterback Colt McCoy.  I don’t think he will translate into an NFL qb very well, but I like his attitude and work ethic and am more than willing to give him a chance in C-Town.  Plus, the guy was rocking a kick ass mustache during the season last year, and you all know how I feel about facial hair!

YES!!! Hey Colt, if your career in the NFL shits the bed, I'm sure you could find a lot of success in being a serial child molestor!

But the real reason I am pumped about this pick is simple.  Colt McCoy has the hottest fiance I have ever seen.  Her name is like Rachel or something, but the reason I know who she is is because she got a lot of publicity during Texas games and on the internet, and after I finish this post I am going to the airport to wait and welcome her to Cleveland.

Hey mommy!!!

Welcome to Cleveland Rachel! You can bring Colt too I guess. Come and look at both of our buildings!

The future Mrs. McCoy is on the left. She really gained notoriety when during a Texas game on ABC, Brent Musberger commented "There is Colt McCoy's girlfriend in the stands.....holy cow I have a huge erection right now!" I think those two people in the upper right hand corner of this picture are drowning......she should really turn around and do something.

That’s awesome.  Good for Colt too.  Like I mentioned, I think he is a really tough guy and I hope he does well for the Browns.  AND, on top of it all, he was able to bag a nice down to earth girl while looking like Malcolm in the Middle.  Good for you man!  I hope I get a chance to meet him and his lovely fiance one day so we can exchange war stories about growing a mustache.  Tebow may have won the Heisman, but I think Colt wins in the girlfriend column, even though Timmy has a pretty popular “significant other”  as well.

HEEEEYYYOOOOO!!!! (please don't be mad Jesus)

Alright well that’s all I got for today.  I gotta go write my weekly letter to Progressive Insurance telling them how much I hate Flo and how they should kill her character off in one of their commercials.  I leave you with a haiku…..

My butt itches bad,
Mrs. McCoy is gorgeous!
Lady Gaga balls.

One Love!

SELAH

Day 48: “Life is like a jar of jalapenos…what you do today can really burn your ass tomorrow….”

Yo, what is up???  For some reason I am all jacked up and woke up at 7 am on a Saturday, so I figured I would pass some time by doing what I do best and BLOGGING!!!  The title of today’s post is very true.  You see, while I was in college, there was a Papa John’s just off of campus that sold $5 large one topping pizzas to college students and you could get any topping you wanted.  I would usually take advantage of this deal about once a week and every time I did I would pick a new topping on my “za”.  Well one week for some reason, I decided to get jalapenos as my topping.  I enjoy spicy foods, and the pizza wasn’t too hot to handle.  However, the next day was one of the worst days of my life.  That thing burned my asshole so bad it was almost unbearable.  It felt like I was riding a bicycle without a seat and it literally brought tears to my eyes.  I learned two things after that day….#1, jalapeno pizzas are nobody’s friend, and #2, I should have sued Papa John’s for anal rape and I would never have to work again.

I had a pretty wild dream last night.  In my dream I had taken the form of Patrick Swayze in the movie Dirty Dancing.  I have never seen the whole film, but I do love to dance and in my dream I was the guy who invented the “Electric Slide” and the “Chicken Dance” and every time I stepped out on the dance floor everyone was going crazy.  Of course I got to dance to “Time of My Life”, and I don’t remember much dialogue from the dream, but I do remember I kept saying “Nobody puts B-MOC in a corner!” over and over and over again.  I guess it was a pretty cool dream.

"Nobody puts B-MOC in a corner!!!"

In other news, I decided that if I ever make it to the rank of Police Chief, I will legally have my last name changed to “Wahoo” so I will then officially be referred to Chief Wahoo!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  Oh man that would be great, I mean unless I had a real American Indian who worked for me and he got offended and tried to scalp me while I was at my desk.  But other than that it would be sweet!  I am surprised that not more chiefs out there have thought of this idea.  I should get a patent.

I did not make this, I found it on google images. I think it is still pretty funny though. Police Chief Wahoo would definitely not make this illegal. Maybe they aren't talking about just the logo in this picture. Maybe they think the whole team is racist. Or perhaps the entire city of Cleveland is racist. I have heard rumors that Grady Sizemore hates minorities......

Our bowling season ended this past Thursday and I won like $150 which was cool.  I heard a joke from this guy who shows up and doesn’t bowl at all, he just walks around and tells semi-racist jokes.  He came up to me out of nowhere and asked “What do you call a Mexican with a rubber foot?”  And I looked at him and said “I don’t know” and he responded….”ROBERTO!!!” then I thought about it, got it, and said “HEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

The Cleveland Cavaliers start the playoffs today and I am excited.  I love the NBA playoffs as long as the Cavs are in them, but I don’t like how they play like one game every 4 days.  That is stupid and I don’t know why they do it like that.  But anyway, they take on the Chicago Bulls today at 3 and I don’t like the Bulls.  I think Joakim Noah looks like Master Splinter from the Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles……not the cartoon Master Splinter (because Joakim Noah is a real life person not a cartoon, duh!) but the live action Master Splinter.  Also, the Bulls have Vinny Del Negro as their coach….he isn’t a bad coach.  It is alright for me to say his last name because black people say it around each other all the time.

Nobody puts Master Splinter in a corner! Joakim Noah is like a wannabe Anderson Varejao and he sucks at it.

Alright well it’s like 9 am now so I am gonna go walk around the house and watch the rest of my family sleep.  Haha I am just kidding, that would be weird.  Go Cavs, and I leave you with a haiku…..

Butt-hole on fire
Chief Wahoo in KKK?
Hey look, a nickel!

One Love!

SELAH

Day 45: “SODOMIZE INTOLERANCE!!!!”

HEYYYOOOOOOOO!!!!  My blog is starting to become like a menstrual cycle where I only post like once a month…..at least that is what it seems like.  I guess it is more like once or twice a week so that comment was entirely inappropriate.  Anyway, it is a great time of the year right now and I am excited about living so I thought I’d drop in and speak some knowledge at you.

Monday was the home opener for my Cleveland Indians, and unfortunately this year I was unable to attend.  I was really bummed but I had a good excuse not to be there and I will definitely be in attendance next year.  The EOTM correspondent Tuley was in attendance however, and although the Tribe lost in extra innings, a good time was had by all and I wouldn’t have expected anything different.  He was kind enough to send me some pictures from the day.  Let’s have a look see!

"WOOOOO, BRING BACK ERIC WEDGE!!!! WOOOO!!!!"

"Who won???"

Thanks Tuley!  Dynamite reporting!  But seriously, I am a die hard Indians fan and they are doing great so far if their long term goal is to suck complete ass.  After they cleaned house last year my expectations for this season really went downhill, but I think the first week of this year will really be a precursor for the entire 2010 schedule.  They are a very young team who will be exciting to watch, but when it comes to crunch time, they aren’t going to have the experience for talent to pull out a big win.  That’s ok with me though…..the organization is practically handing out tickets now (if you buy a $5 footlong sub at Subway, you get a $5 off an Indians ticket?!?!?!) and if you ask me, there is nothing like chilling in the cheap seats with a bear and some nachos in the middle of the summer.  So I will still go to my usual 12 or so games this year and hope for the best!  Besides, I am not even allowed in Mexico.

Also, Jhonny Peralta is absolutely horrific at baseball and needs to go somewhere not near me immediately.  He also looks like he has gained a significant amount of weight in his face, and he looks exactly like this chubby baby I found on a Google image search.

Can you spot the major league 3rd baseman for the Cleveland Indians? No? Right...either can I.

So in police academy news, I had a class last week about “crisis intervention” and dealing with rape victims.  My instructor went through a bunch of false assumptions about rape, like for instance, it isn’t really rape but just “surprise sex”.  But the one analogy that I will never forget is that rape “isn’t real because it is impossible to thread a moving needle.”  It kind of made me laugh which made me feel horrible because rape is no laughing matter, but for some reason I just pictured like a cartoon thread with arms and legs chasing after a needle with some caption like “I’M GONNA THREAD YOU MOTHER F!@#-ER!!!  GET BACK HERE!!!!”  It was kind of weird but I will always remember that saying.

I feel like my thoughts can best be described in this really poor cartoon I found online.

Alright well I am gonna get going.  I am gonna go wear my uniform and look at myself in the mirror and tell myself to “stop or my mom will shoot”.

Now on DVD!

I leave you with a haiku…..

Golden Girls are dumb,
Chubby baby plays third base,
“Dead ass Reese cups.”

One Love!

SELAH

Day 36: “Do aliens call their spaceships F.O.’s since they already know what they are?”

HOLLER!!!  What is upppp?!?!  It’s been a little while but I just wanted to check in and spit some game at all of you.  Today’s music video is one of my new favorite bands, Japandroids.  I have featured them on here before, but tomorrow they are playing live at the Grog Shop and yours truly will be attending and I will be rocking out….HARD!  As many of you already know, I have been a part time member of a band named The Icy Mikes with Dan from Ypsilanti for quite some time now.  However, I have been developing some side projects that you all need to keep an eye out for.  I am currently the front man, and only member of my death metal band, “Demon Barf”.  I also want to start a gangster rap/folk music band called “The Kansas City Queefs”.  I am looking for experienced, and serious band mates so if you are interested, leave me a message on the Interweb!

Speaking of music videos…I found a really good one the other day about 99 names for boobs.  It features Jennifer Love Hewitt and it is hilarious, and it is RIGHT HERE!

Hahaha!  I never heard boobs referred to as “Elmer Fudd’s” or “The Hardy Boys” before, but you better believe I will start calling them that, like 5 minutes ago.

I have been in the police academy for one month now, and things are going good.  A lot of people have been asking me what the first thing I am going to do as a police officer is….actually no one has asked me that, but I know exactly what it is going to be.  I am going to find the first Lance Armstrong wannabe I see, and I am going to pull him over for speeding and for failing to control his vehicle.  Since all of these guys are pricks, I am sure he is going to go all Joe Biden on me and tell me to get “f!@#%&” and try to hit me, at which point I will shoot him or her with my taser, and add an additional charge of assault on a police officer…after I tase them one more time.

You are mine bitches....you better peddle fast!

Tuley recently went on a bender to Phoenix, AZ and was fortunate enough to attend a Cleveland Indians spring training game.  He was kind enough to make his way directly under the WTAM broadcast booth and scream my name at the top of his lungs.  At the time, I was laying in bed listening to the game like I was a kid in the 1920’s, and it made my night!  Thank you for that Tuley, and I am sorry you couldn’t land a spot in the Tribe’s bullpen after your trip.  Maybe next year.

In other news, I have been creating an alter ego for when I am feeling “frisky” or feel like getting into a little bit of mischief.  I came up with the name Dr. Eugene Martini.  I just thought I would share that with you, and if you are ever fortunate enough to run into Dr. Martini you better watch out, because he is definitely going to paint the town white.

Eugene Levy (he is NOT Dr. Eugene Martini).

Alright well that’s all I got for today.  I’m gonna go enjoy this beautiful weather and pretend like I am clocking people with a radar gun that is actually going to be a hair dryer.  I leave you with a haiku….

Joe Biden says “f!@#”,
Dr. Martini loves boobs,
Bikers going down!

One Love!

SELAH