Day 78: “We got no food, we got no jobs….OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLIN OFF!!!”

What’s up gangsters?!?!  It has been over 3 weeks since my last post, so I put my foot down and told myself I would not allow myself to watch “Project Runway” again until I made a post.  It has been a crazy couple of weeks and I swear to God my head has been in a whirlwind lately and I couldn’t find any time to put some thoughts down.  But I finally have some “me time” that doesn’t involve lotion, a SEARS ad from the Sunday paper, and an old tube sock.  So let’s catch up shall we?

Since the last time I blogged, a lot has happened.  One of the more disappointing things was the Cavaliers getting their taints pushed in against the Boston Celtics.  I will give the Celtics credit, they played 1o times better than the Cavs did and definitely deserved to win the series…that does not take away from the fact that I hate every single player on their team.  Kendrick Perkins looks like a black version of those stone face things from Mario that used to shake and then slam down to the ground to try and smash you, and he is the biggest whiner in professional sports.

Bitch

I think everyone in Northeast Ohio came to the conclusion a LONG time ago that Rajon Rondo looks like E.T….

That reese's pieces loving space freak.....phone home dick.

I could honestly go on and on about every piece of trash on that team and from that city, but I decided that the Cavs season is done, and so am I as far as worrying about what Lebron is going to do and what happens in the rest of the playoffs for that matter.  I’ll catch ya next year Cavs!  WAIT A SECOND!  Have you guys heard that rumor that my dude Delonte West is stickin it to Gloria James aka Lebron’s mom aka Loser who found a winning lotto ticket?  I find this story very hard to believe but I could definitely see how that could ruin a team’s chemistry and would explain the shitty play that was seen in the second round.  I’ll tell you what though, if you had to pick one person off of the team that would try and make a move on The King’s mom, I think you would have to pick Delonte or Z to be the ones to make the move.  OH MAN I totally just realized that the herpes on Delonte’s mouth may be from Gloria’s nether-region!  Jesus, what a messy situation!  Like, I don’t know how Lebron would have found out, but wouldn’t it have been funny if they were celebrating after beating the Bulls in the first round and Lebron and Delonte are hugging and jumping up and down and Lebron’s like “One down D, 3 more to go!  We can do this!  We gotta do this man!  We are gonna be NBA champs!” and then Delonte is all like “YYYEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  NBA champs pimp!  Oh….and I’ve been banging your mom for the past 2 months.  WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  COME HERE Z GIVE ME A HUG YOU RUSSIAN BITCH!” right as Lebron is swept away by the people from Nike so he can do the voice over work for another puppet commercial.  Wow…what a crazy rumor!

"This week on CSI.....'Sir, the results from Delonte West's lip are back, and apparently he DID get herpes from Gloria James!' 'Hmmm.....I don't think all of the Kings men will be able to put Delonte back together again." YYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (THEME SONG STARTS)."

I ran in the Cleveland Half-Marathon this past weekend which kind of sucked.  I had done it before in years past, but I was sick all week long leading up to race day.  I woke up the day of and decided that I felt good enough to go out and give it hell.  I finished the race a couple of minutes slower than last year but I ran the entire time and felt absolutely terrible at the end.  I did accomplish one of my goals and that was I actually led the race for about 2.5 seconds.  You see I stood right at the front of the start line and bullied those tiny Kenyan’s to stand behind me.  Then when the race officially started I sprinted as fast as I could and 2.5 seconds later, I was in 1500th place.  It wasn’t until after the race that I found out running is not like NASCAR, and you do not receive 5 bonus points for leading the race which is stupid. 

This picture was actually taken 5 seconds into the race at which time I was in 10,000th place.

I wanna give a shout out to all of the runners, volunteers, and everyone else who makes the run possible every year.  I am stupid for saying this, but it really is a lot of fun to do every year and it is something I am glad I have gotten to do in my life the last several years.  I also want to give a shout out to the two people who dressed up like Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street dancing to the Village People at the 10 mile marker….that was awesome….big ups.

The academy has been really exciting the last couple of weeks.  I have gotten to drive fast, clear buildings for bad guys, learn baton strikes, and I even got to experience some tear gas.  Getting tear gas was a lot like getting instant gonorrhea on your eye balls and in your throat (you guys know what I’m talking about HEEEYOOOOO!!!).  Honestly it was terrible.  Instant choking/snotting/crying/trying to crawl into traffic hoping a car will take you out of your misery.  It is hard to describe exactly what it is like, but just imagine shotgunning a can of acid, watching the movie “Marley and Me” 25 times in a row with your eyes pinned open, and someone rubbing boogers all over your face, and that is pretty much what that day was like.  I’ll tell you what though, even though I went through all of that, it would still be pretty cool to be a part of a riot.  Hey maybe I could just become an Ohio State Buckeyes fan and we can flip cars over and burn down homeless shelters every time the football team beats one of the 5 MAC schools they play every year!  I could experience tear gas on a weekly basis then!

I didn't try this, but apparently pretend pistols help with the tear gas experience.

I was laying in bed watching tv the other night, and one of those erectile disfunction commercials came on for like Viagra or Cialis or something like that.  Those commercials are always kind of weird.  It’s like a bunch of old couples doing awkward things and then the guy gives the wife this creepy “rape” look and they frolic away somewhere and you are left to assume they are banging.  I mean, if seeing a 70 year old couple watching their grandkids play on a playground while sitting in bath tubs and then giving each other bedroom eyes doesn’t sell boner pills, then I don’t know what does.  Anywho, I digress……at the end of those commercials they always say, “if you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours, call a doctor.”  A couple things here….first off, I don’t like the tone.  Ask me to call the doctor, don’t tell me to do it.  Secondly, a 4 hour boner is a pretty impressive feat.  I am not so sure that I would want to call a doctor so he can steal your thunder.  I mean I wouldn’t go volunteer as a Big Sib or anything like that, but I certainly wouldn’t want some guy in a lab coat ruining your night, you know what I mean.  I wanted to take it to a vote on the blog.

For some reason, this makes me think of a porno name I heard the other day….Inspect-her Gadget.  HEEYYOOOOOO!  Holy cow that’s good stuff.

Alright well I think I have given you guys enough sexually transmitted disease talk for one night.  I got a new laptop over the weekend so I should be able to make more posts instead of having to wait in line for my families computer.  Until next time, leave you with a haiku…

Delonte bangin,
Tear gas facials are snotty,
Four hour boner!!!

One Love!

SELAH

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