Day 86: “Sundried tomatoes are the gayest form of tomatoes.”

What’s up party people?!?!  Hope all is well wherever you are!  Today’s music video is a song by a legendary band, The Pixies.  The song is called “In Heaven” and is actually inspired by a song from an extremely awkward movie called “Eraserhead”.  A lot of you have probably never heard of this movie before.  It was made in 1977 and is a very low budget movie about a very unusual guy named Henry who has a mutant baby that he tries to raise.  He has some crazy run ins with a tiny lady living in his radiator, and a guy who uses his head to make pencil erasers, hence the name “Eraserhead”.  After watching this movie I was convinced it was based 100% off of the life of The Big Ginger.  Just take a look at the movie poster and judge for yourself!

Another name for gingers are "eraserheads", a lot of people don't know that! Seriously though, look at that guy!

When I sat down to start writing this post, I realized that I witnessed a lot of really F’ed up stuff the last week or so since my last post.  For instance, have you ever seen a live action Simpsons episode performed by spanish actors?  No?  Are you serious?  I mean, who in the hell HASN’T seen anything like that.  I watched the following video and had nightmares for 3 nights in a row.  Considering I am being trained in firearms right now, I would have no qualls shooting the real life Simpsons if I EVER saw them out in public.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!  What the FUCK is that?!?!?!  I don’t speak spanish (bark twice if you’re in Milwaukee!), but I am pretty sure Homer and Marge were saying “I hope B-MOC finds us on the streets so he can put us out of our nightmarish misery!”  Another crazy thing I have been hearing about the last couple of days are these people that raise wild animals for a year and then release them into the wild.  Then after a couple of years they go into the wild, try to find the animal they raised, and then act like they didn’t abandon them or anything.  Most recently this guy went looking for a gorilla that he raised and released.  He found it and luckily it remebered who he was and it didn’t rip his arms off of his body and beat him to death with them.  Well while I was reading this story, somebody had posted a video from a long time ago about these two guys who may or may not be homosexual who raised a lion and then released him into the wild.  After a year they went into the jungle to find him….I don’t know if you have seen it or not, but here it is.

When I first saw this video last week, I didn’t know how it was going to end, so now I am going to break down the video for you the way that I assumed it was going to play out.

"If we can't have marriage, then we will RAISE A LION!"

"I feel like an ass for ditching that lion when he was a baby and not paying any child support. I think I am gonna go to the jungle, the mighty jungle, and hope the first lion I see is Christian. I don't know how in the HELL I will tell him apart from any other lion, but maybe if I smile like a queer the lion won't want to eat me."

"Holy shit look at these dummies! Dinner time! Thank God I haven't eaten in 4 days."

Me - "Holy shit he is really going to eat these guys! OH MY GOD HE JUST JUMPED ON THAT DUDES HEAD!!!!"

Me - "Wait one damn second! Are they hugging each other?!?!?! What the fuck?!?!?! That lion that just jumped on that guys head is now spooning with them?!?! Are you kidding me?!?!"

So there you have it.  These guys lucked out if you ask me.  I don’t understand how there are some people in this world that like to toy with mother nature and wild animals.  You see stuff like this a lot with monkeys.  People love treating monkeys like pets.  I once saw this special on tv about people who raised monkeys like people.  These people actually called the monkeys “mon-kids” which is a spectacular name if you ask me but these people were so F’ed in the head.  They fed them McDonald’s, gave them candy, removed their teeth, dressed them up like humans, and even had them as the maid of honor in their weddings.

That monkey looks like she found the open bar a little earlier than everyone else.

It is just so mind boggling to me how people can do anything like that.  Some of you out there may be asking yourself, “but B-MOC, what’s the harm in having an animal that is supposed to live in the wild as a pet?”  My answer…..do you remember that lady who had her arms and face ripped off like two years ago?  No?  You don’t remember her?  BECAUSE HERE IS HER PICTURE NOW!!!!!

"Next on FOX, our new series.....WHEN MONKIDS GO BAD!!!! It looks like these primates really went........APESHIT!!!!"

And wouldn’t you know, as soon as I write this post, I find out the lady who owned the chimpanzee responsible for this vicious attack had died at the age of 72.  Do you see what owning a monkey does?  It kills you!  Game over, I win.  Mother nature always doesn’t mess around and should not be screwed with.  Your normal household pets like cats and dogs are cool, but when you start taking care of lions and gorillas, you are asking for trouble.  I saw the Lion King and it was cool, but there is no way in hell I would want to ever get a lion and raise it like a household cat, and according to Charlie Kelly, “cats do not follow the laws of nature” meaning they do whatever they want, including eat people.

Well that’s all I got for today.  I just wanted to clear my nightmare bank with you guys and now maybe you can experience my horror every night when I try to go to sleep.  My academy is winding down and I only have a few weeks left.  So make sure you stay tuned as I will be getting pepper sprayed in a couple of days, and then I will be “riding the lightning” aka getting tasered in a few short weeks.  I can’t wait to share with you my experiences and how much they sucked.  Everyone have a good one, and I leave you with a haiku….

Spanish Simpsons suck!
Gingers are “eraserheads”
Hammerpants are back?

One Love!

SELAH

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