Day 87: “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

What is up?  I figured I would give you guys a back-to-back post for the first time in a long time.  For today’s post I just want to rant.  I haven’t had one of those in a long time, so let’s get into it.

First off, I want to extend a big “go fist yourself” to “The Goon Squad”.  “B-MOC….who in the heck is The Goon Squad?”  I’ll tell you who they are….it consist of my sisters new boyfriend and his mentally challenged friends.  I have tried to bite my tounge for too long, and instead of absolutely blowing up on those dipshits, I figured I would express myself in blog form.  You see, my sister recently started dating an older guy who has two first names as his first name!  My dad always told me to never trust ginger’s or anyone with two first names.  Well I figured I would only meet people who had two first names as their first and last name….but then this kid comes along and has two first names in his first name.  I don’t like to name drop on this site, so for the sake of anonymity, we will call him “Tonyjonathon”.  Anyway, this kid starts coming over our house and hanging out with my sister, which is cool with me.  Then one day I pull into my driveway after the academy, and there are 2 shitty ass cars in my driveway.  I immediately think someone has broken into my house and that I am going to catch them red handed.  Well, I soon found out that the cars belonged to my sister’s boyfriend and his friends.  This is when the shit hit the fan.  Everyday after that I come home to the same thing.  They park in the prime parking spots in our driveway every afternoon.  I walk into my house and find two chubby mother fuckers sitting in our recliners with their feet up and eating our food while my sister is talking with her boo.  Today, I found that they drank my juice.  MY MOTHER FUCKING JUICE!!!  You see, I am a man of routine.  Every morning I wake up and have a small breakfast, but I take a small bottle of orange juice and cranberry juice that I will drink throughout the day.  You can buy them in 6 packs which easily lasts me for the entire week.  Well today I checked the fridge and the pimple brothers raided that shit and know my routine is FUBAR’ed for the rest of the week….I had to bite my fist.  These cocksuckers have mouths like sailors, and I mean that they swear non-stop.  Obviously I don’t have the cleanest language in the world, but I also don’t go to my friends houses and drop F-bombs when I’m playing Uno and drop a Draw 4 on someone.  To make all of this worse, I found out that these Justin Bieber wannabe’s call themselves “The Goon Squad”.  So that is why today, I say GO FIST YOURSELF GOON SQUAD.  You guys can even go fist to ass in a line and look like the elephant lines that are at the circus.

The Goon Squad

I don’t want to sound old-fashioned here, but I cannot believe the sense of entitlement a lot of people have today.  Everyone feels like they are owed something and why that is, I have no F-ing clue.  Tonyjonathon needs to round up his ass clowns and get their shit together, especially around my house.  YOU BETTER HAVE SOME DAMN RESPECT FOR THE BARENSTEIN BEARS WALLPAPER MOTHER LOVERS!!!!

In other news, American Idol wrapped up tonight.  I know this because I watched a total of 3 minutes of this season.  As I walked in from my softball game tonight, I saw the final results come in and this guy won it.

This guys name is Lee Dewyze.  I was so excited I farted.  To make things even better I guess his first big single that he is recording is a cover of the song “It’s a Beautiful Day”.  Yes…that song that U2 came out with like 5 years ago.  He is going to sing it to the same tune and everything!  This Dewyze guy just oozes originality.  I am just kidding, he and the rest of anyone associated with American Idol can go fist themselves.  This show is so incredibly bad I can’t even begin to explain it, but I’ll give it a shot.  When did people become enamored with listening to other people sing?  The last time I was at a bar that had karaeoke there was like 5 wasted people there listening, and they didn’t give two shits as to what was going on.  That is what American Idol is, a glorified karaeoke contest.  They have these judges who are cock goblins and have zero credibility in the music world if you ask me.  Randy Jackson is a backup musician who has toured with a ton of shitty bands.  Paula Abdul used to be on that show, and who can forget how she completely revolutionized the music industry when she sang “Opposites Attract” and danced with that cartoon cat.  A CARTOON CAT, HOLY SHIT!!! 

I'm pretty sure this song is about how she was banging that cat drawing for months....the mechanics of that happening are still mind boggling to me, but someone in Hollywood thought she should be the one to pick the future of the music industry!

Everyone thinks Simon is some sinister guy….I see him as a British wanker whose $40 million he makes a year might be a little too excessive.  And then this year, they added this dude to the judging squad to take over for Paula.

I don't know who this guy is and how he got onto the show, but I'm sure he is making an absurd amount of money to judge mediocre singers who just sing cover songs for 6 months.

Go fist yourself American Idol!  Everytime I see Ryan Seacrest or one second of this show I want to shove a a bunch of bananas in my underwear and go jump into the gorilla exhibit at the zoo while I talk shit about the “Planet of the Apes” movies. 

Alright, I feel better after that.  I am getting pepper sprayed tomorrow, but then I start moving out of my parents house next week.  I forgot to mention that huh?  Yeah, I am moving out of my Barenstein Bears room and moving into a place with a wallpaper that is a little bit more of my style.  It will be weird not having my retarded cats meow at me non stop and having a dog that eats all of my stuff constantly.  I hope I can make it on my own!  I’ll have more details about that and getting pepper sprayed shortly.  For now, I leave you with a haiku mostly based around people getting fisted……

Goon Squad fist yourself,
Randy Jackson fist yourself,
Blonde dude fist yourself.

One Love!

SELAH

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