What’s up party people?!?! I got tasered today in the academy. When a lot of my friends found out I would be going through the academy, they naturally wondered if I would be experiencing the taser. I assured them that I would and they all got very excited as they pictured me thriving in pain on the ground. Some of you may have heard some myths about tasers. I am sure all of you have heard that getting tased can make you spontaneously combust. This is absolutely true.
Another popular belief is that getting tasered can make your eyeballs pop out of your head. Again, this is 100% correct.
It is also true that being drunk, stupid, and from Philadelphia makes the taser hurt 27 times more.
Well I am here to give you my first hand account as to what my experience with the taser was. The best way that I can describe it is it was like getting struck by lightning in the tip of your penis….for 5 straight seconds. My instructor never gave me a count down, so I was just sitting there, kneeling on the ground waiting for this ride to happen. Next thing I know I am practically standing straight up as 50,000 volts of electricity are pouring through my veigns and two of my classmates are trying to hold me down. I screamed at first, probably for a second, and then I went silent as I desperately scanned the room for someone who would be willing to put a bullet into my skull for me. That’s how bad it was, I really wanted someone to end my life for me! The only way I could try and explain what it feels like to a person in terms of other pain they may have felt is like this. It was like the worst cramp I have ever had, combined with the worst shock I have ever experienced in my life. Multiply that by 10, and make it happen in your entire body…for 5 seconds. IT’S INTENSE!!! And I also want to thank the good Lord for allowing me enough strength to not shit my pants in from of my classmates. Thanks for doing me a solid big guy!
In all honesty, it hurt a lot, but it was a rush too and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that feeling the whole day! It would suck to have to go through it again, but I think I definitely would experience it again. it was unlike anything I have ever felt before and I kind of what to feel it again! I was immediately thankful that no one in my class could read my mind and found a gun and shot me. Is this how heroin users sound? It probably is huh? Wouldn’t it be weird if I got issued my taser and I started shooting myself in the taint and in between my toes with it just so I could get an even more intense feeling? Yeah, that would be kind of weird! Anyway, I want to share with you my favorite tasing videos. Starting with this classic! “DON’T TASE ME BRO!!!!”
I also like this one of the guy who sounds like Chewbacca when he gets tased. There was actually a guy in my class that yelled “F!@#” in a slow Chewbacca voice for 5 seconds…it was hilarious!
And what would all of this “taser talk” be if I didn’t send a shout out to the EOTM blog personal friend, Rob Riggle, and his hilarious scene from the hangover. “IN THE FACE!!!”
Alright well that’s all I got for today. I just wanted to drop in and give you my account of what it is like to be tased. I was hoping that it would give me some kind of superhuman powers like what happened in those Spiderman movies, but I haven’t noticed anything yet. I’ll let you know if I get Henry Rolengardner pitch speed or a rat face like Joan Rivers. Anywho, I leave you with a haiku…
Surged through my body and balls
“Hey, DON’T TASE ME BRO!”