Day 148: “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.” – Mitch Hedberg

HEEEYYYOOOOOO!!!!!  Today’s music video comes from the Cleverly’s.  They are a blue grass band that enjoys covering pop music from the 80’s, 90’s, and today…..and they are awesome!  I don’t know which is better, the lead singer’s glasses, or the drummers facial expressions/teeth.  Anyway, lets light this bitch!

So some of my new co-workers seem to think I bare a striking resemblance to Buzz Lightyear…..

This infuriates me for a number of reasons.  Number one is the voice of Buzz Lightyear is done by Tim Allen who creeps me out more than I can explain.  I think he is a mediocre comic at best, and he basically became famous because he does that “AAAAUUUUUGGGHHH?” sound.  What the hell is that sound?!?!?!  Watching an episode of “Home Improvement” was like having a night terror for me.  Plus, everybody knows that Al Borlan was the real star of that show, and today while Al is hosting “Family Feud” and making billions of dollars while having 10-somes on the reg, Tim Allen is putting on 80 pounds to be in “The Santa Clause 8” while he warms up his vocal chords to do the “AAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH?” sound.  You know what?  Go fist yourself Tim Allen.

The number two reason why I don’t like being compared to Buzz Lightyear is his massive chin with the swirl on the end of it.  Okay…I realize I may have a large jaw line, but it is nothing compared to Buzz’s.  His chin looks like Jay Leno passed out at a frat party with a purple swim cap on his head and a bunch of d-bags drew a purple swirly on the end of his chin. 

And number three…..Buzz Lightyears best friends name is a rag doll named Woody.  Enough said.  I know a lot of you don’t know exactly what I look like, but for those of you that do I want to know….do you think I look like Buzz Lightyear???

In other news, I went to this Italian restaurant called “Buca Di Bepo” or something along those lines the other night with my family.  It is a “family style” restaurant which means that when you order something, it comes out in a huge plate or bowl and it serves like 6 people.  It is a pretty cool idea, especially if you love having styrofoam containers of leftovers in your fridge.  Opening your fridge and seeing a container of mystery leftovers is like Christmas morning for me…..anyway, this Buca place was really good.  I have to admit that I am a big fan of the family sized dining.  What I am not a fan of is the family size shit I had to take immediately when I got home.  They should make you fill out a disclaimer at that place man….it was horrific, and like I said, it was instant.  Good thing eating good food is not like touching a hot stove for me.  You would think that I would have learned my lesson and just thrown all of the leftovers away.  But NOOOO, I was eating leftovers for the next 3 days, and every meal ended with the exact same result.  I was sitting on the toilet screaming “THAT’S A SPICY MEATBALL!!!” Hahahaha I am just kidding.  I don’t talk when I poop, it is complete and total concentration.

This time of year, a lot of my friends are having birthdays.  I am in my mid-twenties, but I am starting to feel older and for really stupid reasons.  I don’t wake up and feel achy and can barely walk.  I don’t fall asleep at 8 pm after Wheel of Fortune ends.  I haven’t started putting moth balls in my closet.  There are just little things that make me feel older.  Like for instance with my friends birthdays.  People are starting to say stupid things like “Happy Birthday man…..when are you getting your artifical hip YUCK YUCK YUCK!”  Or, “Hey you are another year older huh?  YOU’RE ALMOST OVER THE HILL YUCK YUCK YUCK!”  My friends and myself included are starting to make stupid birthday jokes and it is kind of depressing because those jokes aren’t funny.  That’s mainly it….those stupid birthday jokes.  Soon it will be the dumb birthday gag gifts like the cane with the mirror on the end of it, or fake viagra pills.  I can barely wait for it to get worse (sarcasm).

"Just think, now you are one step closer to getting the senior citizen discount at the movies YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!"

Alright I’m out for now.  I’m gonna go eat fresh.  A haiku….

Buzz Lighyear is dumb,
Family sized diarrhea,

One Love!



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