Day 164: “Dos Equis asked me to be the least interesting man in the world.” – Johnny Drama

WHAT IS UP?!?!  I hope all is well.  I want to cut right to the chase and say that last night was one of the coolest nights of my life!  It was like something out of a movie.  You see what happened was we got involved in an “abduction” in progress and it was insane.  Lets just say it involved myself driving at speeds of 120 mph, hopping fences and running through backyards, and searching the dirtiest houses you could imagine….ALL WITH MY GUN DRAWN!  Our little adventure led us to East Cleveland which if you were unaware, finished dead last in the country as “America’s Friendliest Places”.  It’s a different world out there man, ESPECIALLY when you have a uniform and a badge on.  It was all good though because I speak the language haha.  It basically was like the best episode of COPS you have ever seen and yours truly was in the middle of it all.  The only thing that was missing was a helicopter searching the area, but from rumors I have heard in the past 24 hours…there was one on standby fueling up.  I definitely had a raging mega-huge boner for about 3 hours last night.  I swear to God it made me feel like I was 12 years old again.  After I did my best impression of NASCAR legend Boris Said on I-480 and I-90 and was finished hurdling fences like an Olympian, I was literally hunting this abduction suspect in the woods like a lion hunts a gazelle.  It was dark and I am in the woods behind one of the guys from Bone Thugs N Harmony house, and I am just sitting in a bush with my gun out trying to think one step ahead of this cocksucker.  I was tasting bark and tracking footprints just like the fucking Crocodile Hunter (God rest his soul) haha!  I guess I didn’t do that good of a job though because our guy got away.  We did grab one of his accomplices though and I’m thinking that this wasn’t really an abduction as much as it was some jackasses running from the PO-lice.  Going through the academy our instructors always talked about this “adrenaline dump” after something like a high speed chase or something happens.  Well after running around E. 67th and Kinsman for a couple of hours, I was literally drained.  We had about a 20 minute drive back to our jurisdiction and I was exhausted and had the biggest smile on my face the entire time.  This is the best job ever…..it’s hard to believe that 6 months ago I was sitting at home yelling at little shitheads on my XBOX all day long.  I want to thank Boris Said for teaching me how to drive so amazingly!

"People come up to me all the time on the street and say 'I know you from somewhere,' and I say 'Yeah........you pissed on my face." - Boris Said. You da man Boris!

Boris Said has just officially become an honorary board member of the blog.  That means he can post whatever he wants whenever he wants, and you guys have to read it.

In other news, there is so much stuff I want to talk about.  Like one of my friends apparently started a website about ginger’s with beards and asked if I could find her some pictures of ginger’s with beards.  Everyone knows how much I despise ginger’s, but I said sure. 

Look at this choch!

I know this is fake, but my God just the fact that someone made that thing is sickening.

I hope ginger’s count their blessings every night.  I hope they realize how close they came to being hated by the world.  They wasily could have been the slaves in 1800’s instead of the African Americans!  How they keep slipping through history without being persecuted in beyond me, but I just hope they watch where they step.

So I am laying in bed the other night and it’s really late which means that the television commercials on are the greatest.  I see this commercial for the Optic 1050 binoculars.  You gotta watch this commercial….

I am immediately intrigued when I hear that “from a good vantage point, you can see objects up to 35 miles away!”  35 FUCKING MILES?!?!?!  GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!  35 miles???  What do you need to look at, the surface of the moon?  The commercial goes on to say how they are great for any sports fan or outdoorsman.  What the hell kind of sporting even do you go to that you need to see something 35 miles away?  I could just imagine being at a Cleveland Browns game and having those binoculars around my neck and thinking to myself….”hmmmm, I wonder was Colt McCoy’s skin particles look like.”

"Oh ok, that's what it looks like."

Or being like “I heard Josh Cribbs DNA is pretty sweet.”

"Yep....just as I imagined!"

I actually used to be a physics major in college for a semester, and I am going to sound like a huge nerd here, but it is impossible to see something from ground level that is 35 miles away.  The curvature of the Earth’s surface makes it impossible.  Other than a skyscraper or something really tall, you cannot see something that is even 12 miles away (if I remember the numbers correctly).  For example, if you were standing on the shores of Lake Erie and there was a boat, it could even be a REALLY big boat that was 35 miles out in the lake, you wouldn’t be able to see it because the Earth’s surface is curved and the boat would actually be below your line of site.  I guess when they say “from a good vantage point” they mean on top of Mount Everest.  It would make the perfect gift for that creepy uncle of yours who loves looking through peoples windows though!  I’m done with my nerd rant…you can feel free to give me an atomic wedgie or swirly next time you see me.

I recently switched car insurance companies and I feel really proud about what I did.  I acted like a responsible adult and did my research comparing other companies rates and figuring out what would fit my budget best.  Well in the end Progressive came back with the best quote, only by like two dollars a month.  However….I hate Flo with a rage that burns like 1000 suns and I want Progressive field to be called Jacobs Field again, so I told them to go fist themselves and I went with the cavemen from Geico!  Progressive keeps calling me and emailing me to see what my decision was, but I don’t reply.  Instead, I sent them a letter informing them of my decision.  Here it is.

P.S. Go fist yourself!

What can I say, I love those cavemen!

Alright well that’s all I got for today.  I am gonna go sweat my balls off some more because it is like 100 degrees outside.  My sack looks like someone dropped two tennis balls into a wet tube sock.  I leave you with a haiku….

Boris Said gave me,
Raging mega-huge boner
God, I love this shit!

One Love!

SELAH

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Day 164: “Dos Equis asked me to be the least interesting man in the world.” – Johnny Drama

  1. brepat

    I totally agree with u about Flo. She should be ass raped by John Holmes’ corpse and buried in the grave next to him

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