Day 213: “Sex with old ladies for money, or beartraps…….those are my two buggaboos…”

What’s that Mr. Ice?  Have I ever seen a turtle get down?  Well just one time, when my pet turtle Tiger died and we flushed him down the toilet HEYYOOOOO!!!  So what’s up chums?!?!?!  It HAS BEEN A MINUTE since my last post eh?   One of my roommates decided it would be a good idea to put a waste basket directly next to our toilet.  I may or may not accidentally mistake said waste basket for the toilet occasionally when throwing out “used” toilet paper.  I may or may not notice I have done this until a couple days later when our bathroom begins to smell like somebody threw a poopy piece of toilet paper into a waste basket.  My bad guys…I’ll try and work on it I promise.

First off…..I have been working nights for the past couple of months now which would explain my absence.  A lot of you obviously don’t know who I am personally…..but the fact of the matter is I am a night owl.  I love the nighttime.  “It’s the right time” as far as I’m concerned.  I love being out late and looking for trouble, and a wise man once said “nothing good ever happens after 2 am”.  Strippers with ecstasy, homeless dudes with shaved dogs, and former Miss America’s with so much cocaine it would make Tony Montana jizz in his pants….you want it?  You got it.  The fact of the matter is I haven’t been able to post lately because I sleep all day and have become allergic to the sun.  Anywho, LETS DO THIS!

What commemorated September 11, 2001 more than the Cleveland Indians having “Wahoo Warmer” night.  A lot of talk has been going down with this whole mosque at ground zero nonsense and I want to put my 2 cents in.  This is America, the greatest country in the world.  And…that is why I am absolutely horrified at all of this talk about a mosque going up at ground zero.  I am 100% for freedom of religion, and I am not anti-Muslim or anti-Middle Easterners in any way, shape, or form.  But you wanna  build a muslim temple at ground zero?!?!?  Oh you want to bring religion and the entire world into the picture and have rally’s and protests about it???  Well that is fine.  But, if you want to build a mosque at ground zero……..then……..I AM GOING TO BUILD A MOTHERFUCKING WALMART AT MECCA BITCHES!!!  Right SMACK DAB in the middle of that bitch.  This mosque at ground zero bull shit is really chapping my ass.  There are certain things you DON’T do in this world.  For example……have a barmitzvah and Auschwitz.  Other examples would be having a NAACP meeting in John Rocker’s back yard or being Clay Aiken and trying to get a writing job for http://www.godhatesfags.com/.  I am proud to be an American, but I really think this country is getting sucker punched by a bunch of stubborn assholes who “do things just because they can”.  Not only should a mosque not be built near ground zero….NOTHING should be built at ground zero.  Thousands of innocent people died there, end of story.  I feel like Katie Couric should do something about all of this.

"Sure I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel America is the best country and the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism." - Kenny Powers

 

Football season is in full swing now and I am pumped!  My Michigan Wolverines are 4-0 and I am officially “Mentally Denarded”!

I patented that name...anyone else who uses it will be sued.

The Cleveland Browns on the other hand look like a bag of mashed up assholes.  I really thought this years team would be a step up from years past.  I also thought that with the first two games being against Tampa Bay and Kansas City, the Browns would have a legitimate shot at being 2-1 before going into a tough stretch in their schedule.  Well I was wrong, and somehow the team has managed to revert to its old ways as there is now a question mark at who will play quarterback every week.  I’ll tell you one thing though…Peyton Hillis is a MAN!!! 

Dudes a beast.

The one thing I dislike about football season is when chicks talk about football.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it is sexy when a girl gets decked out in a football jersey (not a fucking pink one though) and goes tailgaiting and drinks beer with the guys.  That is fine in my book.  What bugs me is when girls try and talk game plans and strategy and have no idea what the hell they are talking about.  I notice this happens on the Book of Face a lot.  You go on there on a Sunday evening and you see wall posts from some girl who just throws football words into some cluster fuck of a phrase.  I see posts like “The coach needs to coach better!  He needs to teach the players not to get penalties!”  Or “If the wide receivers caught the ball and the running backs ran better we would score more points and win more games!”  No shit John Madden, thanks for the analysis.  Unless you can break down cover 2 defenses, draw up an offensive game plan for a west coast offense, or come up with a blitz package that can shut down Drew Brees or Peyton Manning, please don’t give me your “I don’t understand why Colt McCoy isn’t starting” input ok?  I don’t watch “Say Yes to the Dress” or “America’s Next Top Model” and start ranting about colors of the season or how Heidi Klum needs to make better decisions ok?!?!  I can see right through your disguise ladies.  I know the only reason you watch the games is because you like seeing big muscular guys and their cranks tucked into tight pants, and that is fine but please don’t ruin it for us guys……GIVE ME BACK MY FOOTBALL GAMES AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

"If Tony Romo just made more tackles then our team would win more!" THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!!!

I want to send a shout out to Randy Quaid who has officially gone batshit crazy.  I always love it when celebrities start to nose dive into an out of control firery ball.  To me it is like watching a car wreck in slow motion.  Apparently Randy Quaid and his crazy wife were found living in a house that wasn’t theres, also known as “squatting”.  The couple claimed that they had owned the house since the 90’s but the actual home owner produced official documents showing that he had purchased the house from them in 2007.  “WHOOPS…..that’s right honey…I totally forgot that I sold this house 3 fucking years ago.  Honest mistake right?!?!  I guess that’s why none of our shit was in here huh???”  How that happens I have no idea.  Maybe Randy Quaid accidentally stumbled into the time machine he built in his garage and didn’t realize he transported himself back to the early 90’s and that he didn’t really own the house anymore.  Could you imagine being the guy who owns the house now and walking in and seeing Cousin Eddie sitting spread eagle on your couch?  You know he was naked and I am willing to bet there was some cocaine in his immediate area.  Hahaha….the best part is you know he was putting up a fight if the police were called.  He was ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that was his house.  He probably started throwing stuff that was not his at the guy who owns the house and was like “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE YOU BURGLAR!!!” 

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU HOBO!!!"

 The fact of the matter is Randy’s last movie was “Balls Out” about a washed up tennis star trying to make a comeback.  I saw that movie and it was terrible.  Randy Quaid played a high school tennis coach in the movie and if I recall correctly, he had a massive heart attack like 20 minutes into the movie and died.  Unless they are going to make another Major League movie with that cat from Quantum Leap, the only work I see in Mr. Quaid’s future is on Celebrity Rehab.  I still love him though…I mean how could you not love the rowdy fan from Major League?!?!

Awesome...

I guess some people are just too cool for this world.  So being the sole owner/manager/editor of this masterpiece of a blog I get these spam messages through the website.  I ultimately get to decide if a message gets posted and am alerted every time someone leaves a comment.  I then decide if it gets posted for the entire world to see or if it gets cast into the dark shadowy bowels of internet hell.  I always get these “spam” messages from people who may be foreign/robots.  I say that because these messages don’t make sense, sound like they are from Yoda, or read the way a robot would talk.  For instance, I just deleted one that was like “This blog makes good information about employment.  Read many times I have.  Haiku’s are what?  Enlarge the size of your penis in just 3 weeks!”  Hahaha.  I love reading my spam messages.  A lot of them are about “employment” though and I don’t understand why.  I know I started this blog because I was unemployed and I detailed my experiences trying to find a job, but it’s not really about employment.  I didn’t talk about how to make your resume stand out or what questions you should prepare for going into an interview.  “What questions can your potential employer NOT ask you in an interview?”  NOT ON HERE!  Although I did give stellar advice about how to properly handle a phone interview.  I don’t know….maybe this blog does make good information about employment and is geared towards Yoda’s all over the world, haha.  I really want to post the spam messages I receive but I am afraid if I post them my computer will get a virus.”  I’ll give it a shot next time.

Anyway, I just realized I don’t have any pants on so I am gonna get going and take care of that.  I leave you guys with a haiku and I promise I will start posting more regularly.  This long absence was unacceptable as was made apparent by facebook girl who thinks she knows something about football when she posted “I can’t read EOTM posts when B-MOC doesn’t make new posts.”  Go fist yourself fake football fan!

Crazy Randy Quaid,
I wanna party with you
At Mecca Wal-Mart

One Love!

SELAH

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