Day 270: “Call me old school, but when someone tells you to put on your boner pants…YOU PUT ON YOUR GOD DAMN BONER PANTS!!!!”

GREETINGS!!!  AS I AM WRITING THIS IT IS 8:25 AM AND I USUALLY DON’T WAKE UP FOR ANOTHER 5 HOURS BUT AS YOU ALL KNOW, TODAY IS THANKSGIVING EVE AND THE RAGING MEGA HUGE BONER I HAVE FOR WHAT IS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE OVER THE NEXT 5 DAYS HAS ME ALL “BRIGHT EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED”, AS THEY SAY.  HENCE, I WILL CONDUCT THIS ENTIRE POST IN CAPITAL LETTERS TO EXPRESS A FRACTION OF THE EXCITEMENT RACING THROUGH MY BODY RIGHT NOW.

A QUICK GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH FOR "TURKEY BONER" RETURNS THE FOLLOWING......YUP!

THE NEXT 5 DAYS WILL CONSIST OF AN UNGODLY AMOUNT OF FOOD, AN UNGODLY AMOUNT OF FOOTBALL, AN UNGODLY AMOUNT OF ADULT BEVERAGE CONSUMPTION, AN UNGODLY AMOUNT OF AWESOMENESS, AND AN UNGODLY AMOUNT OF INAPPROPRIATE ERECTIONS.  ALSO, MY MICHIGAN WOLVERINES ARE PLAYING THE SUCKEYES THIS SATURDAY AND I CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME THE TWO TEAMS MET THE SATURDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING….THATS AWESOME!  ALTHOUGH THEY WILL PROBABLY GET ROCKED, I AM STILL PUMPED THAT THE GAME IS AFTER THANKSGIVING.  BONER TIME!

SO AFTER MY POST ABOUT FOUR LOKO LAST WEEK, I FELT IT WAS NECESSARY TO TRY ONE WHICH I DID THIS PAST SATURDAY.  APPARENTLY ONE OF MY ROOMMATES FOUND OUT THAT THEY WERE BEING DISCONTINUED AND DECIDED TO BY 67 CANS OF THE STUFF WHICH IS STRATEGICALLY PLACED THROUGHOUT OUR HOUSE.  ANYWAY, I HATE TO SAY IT BUT I WAS PRETTY DISAPPOINTED WITH IT.  I DIDNT GET OUTRAGEOUSLY HAMMERED OR BLACK OUT DRUNK.  THE TASTE WAS MEDIOCRE TO SAY THE LEAST, AND I CERTAINLY DIDNT FEEL LIKE MAKING A RAP VIDEO ABOUT IT WHICH WAS ONE OF THE INCENTIVES FOR ME DRINKING ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.  THE ONLY THING THAT I REALLY NOTICED WAS THE FACT THAT i couldn’t fall asleep until 7:30 am the next morning (lowercase letters = me pissed off).  SERIOUSLY, I DRANK ONE AROUND 10 PM SATURDAY AND DIDNT FALL ASLEEP UNTIL 7:30 AM SUNDAY MORNING.  I LAID DOWN AT LIKE 3 AM TOO!!!  WHAT WAS I DOING THAT ENTIRE TIME YOU MIGHT ASK???  WELL FOR SOME REASON I HAD THAT SONG BY WILL SMITH’S DAUGHTER STUCK IN MY HEAD AND I WAS SITTING IN MY BED “WHIPPING MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH” JUST LIKE THAT GIRL DOES IN THE VIDEO!  I WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY FEELING LIKE I WAS IN A HIGH SPEED REAR END COLLISION.  NOT ONLY IS SHE NAMED AFTER ONE OF THE MOST UNDERRATED MOVIES OF ALL TIME AND IS ALLOWING HER FATHER TO RETIRE A BILLIONAIRE AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 40, SHE CAN SING AND DANCE BABY!!!  GREAT SONG!

I NO LONGER WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH AFTER FOUR LOKO.

IN FUTURE NEWS, “WILLOW SMITH DIAGNOSED WITH PARKINSON’S DISEASE AT THE AGE OF 18 AFTER ‘WHIPPING HER HAIR BACK AND FORTH” FOR TOO LONG!

SO IN HONOR OF ONE OF THE BEST HOLIDAYS OF ALL TIME, I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU SOME OF THE THINGS THAT YOU THE READERS ARE THANKFUL FOR AND HAVE SUBMITTED VIA EMAIL.  NOTE – ALL OF THESE ARE ACTUAL EMAILS I RECEIVED ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE THANKFUL FOR.

“I’M THANKFUL FOR MATHLETES” – JIM TRESSEL

“THIS THANKSGIVING, I WANT TO GIVE THANKS TO SEXTING” – BRETT FAVRE

“I WOULD HAVE TO SAY I AM MOST THANKFUL FOR THIS SEASON WHICH MADE GINGERBREAD SO FAMOUS” – THE BIG GINGER

“IM THANKFUL FOR FOUR LOKOS!!! WOOOOOO!!!!” – FOUR LOKO LINDSEY

“I’M THANKFUL FOR MY ASS” – “BAD ASS” BILLY GUNN

“I’M THANKFUL FOR MR. ASS BILLY GUNN’S  ASS.” – WAYNER

“I WANT TO THANK GOD FOR GIVING US STUPID PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO CLIMB ROCKS TO FEAST ON!” – SEAGULLS

“I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW THANKFUL I AM FOR THE GREATEST JOB IN THE WORLD!” – THIS GUY

“I’M DEFINITELY THANKFUL FOR STEROIDS AND MY GRANDMA!  I LOVE YOU MAMMY!!!” –  DOUCHEBAG

“I AM not THANKFUL FOR HOTSPOT AND TERRORISTS” – TULEY

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, “I’M THANKFUL FOR ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND ALL OF MY FAITHFUL BLOG READERS THAT MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE THE #1 BLOG ON THE INTERWEB!” – B-MOC

ALRIGHT FOLKS THAT ITS FOR A FEW DAYS.  I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING AND ENJOY HAVING A FEW DAYS OFF!  REMEMBER, MY HOLIDAY OLIVE RECORD FOR THANKSGIVING IS 149, SO DON’T TRY TO BREAK THAT OR YOU WILL REGRET IT.  A HAIKU….

TURKEY BONER TIME!
TURKEYS CAN FLY IN THEIR DREAMS,
OHHHH YOU DIDN’T KNOW?!?!?!

ONE LOVE!

SELAH

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1 Comment

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One response to “Day 270: “Call me old school, but when someone tells you to put on your boner pants…YOU PUT ON YOUR GOD DAMN BONER PANTS!!!!”

  1. rea

    I randomly stumbled upon your blog and just wanted to say I like your stuff. Very funny!

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