What up motha sucka’s?!?! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and are looking forward to a glorious Christmas/White Kwanzaa. Today’s music video comes from the beautiful Katy Perry. Mrs. Russell Brand has quickly moved into #1 on my list of sexiest celebrities. Tuley and I are also quite fond of her Proactiv commercials. What I wouldn’t do to be one of those zit’s on her face…..oh man!!!
Anyway, today I want to start a new segment called “Profiles in Underrated Excellence”. I want to kick the segment off by profiling one of the greatest sport figures in the last several decades. If I had to choose one word to describe this individual it would be “tenacious”. The energy that he brought to his profession week in and week out may never be matched again in history. Some have described him as “best ever”, “an all american hero”, and even “a penis with a man hanging off of him”. I describe him as a true American. I’m talking about none other then former WCW referee Nick Patrick.
Nick was born into a poor black family in Anchorage, Alaska in 1955. His father, Nick Sr., made a living driving around the country selling those “male/female” bathroom stick figures to restaurants and business all over.
His mother, Svetlana, worked with local hunters and wildlife rangers in tracking and catching bears. Although her methods of catching bears was unorthodox (she used herself as bait), she quickly became famous in the area for her ability to rope the biggest and baddest bears.
Nick hardly ever saw his father as he was on the road 400 days a year. So he became very attached to his mother. At a young age, Nick made the decision that he would follow in his mothers footsteps and also get into the bear trapping industry. Using his mothers tactics, he started trapping at the age of 6, and was pretty unsuccessful at first.
Well one day, when Nick was about 15 years old, the unthinkable happened. Svetlana and Nick were trapping bears in the forest. Nick noticed a bear wearing a bikini winking at him in the distance. Being smack dab in the middle of puberty, Nick went over to spit game at the bear. While this was going on, a cage suddenly lowered from the trees trapping Svetlana inside with a giant Alaskan Grizzly who snuck up behind Svetlana and hit her over the head with a folding chair. The same bear then climbed to the top of a small nearby oak tree and delivered a leg drop from the top branch, severing Svetlana’s spine immediately.
She was killed instantly, and the bear in the bikini ran away from Nick right away. When Nick turned around, he saw his mother laying lifeless on the ground in the middle of a freaking cage in the middle of the woods. Nick blamed himself entirely. He was sure that his mother could have taken the bear if it was a fair fight, he had seen it a million times before. From that day forward, Nick vowed to be a beacon of fairness. He was going to stand up for a fair fight no matter what. He was going to become a professional wrestling referee.
As you all know, “it’s a long way to the top if you wanna rock and roll”. Nick didn’t start out at the top of the professional wrestling chain. After he left Alaska, he headed to Mexico, Japan, Panama, and Thailand to referee. He finally got his big break with the WCW in 1992. Nick quickly became known as one of the best referee’s in the business as he was not susceptable to being fooled by the ringside beauties or the other intentional distractions. Nick was one undoubtedly one of the best ever, and that is why I salute his underrated excellence! Thank you Nick!
(Follow up): Apparently Nick Patrick was laid off by the WWE in 2008 due to the struggling economy (I feel for you Nick). His current whereabouts are unknown, but when last heard from he was addicted to children’s tylenol and asian transvestites. He had taken up the hobby of photography, unfortunately it was taking pictures of women while they went pee. Nick has several warrants for his arrest for charges including abuse of a corpse, possession of illegal sex equipment, and unlawful digital penetration of a goat. If you have seen or heard from Nick, please contact your local authorities immediately.
Alright guys thats all I got for today. If you have any recommendations for who should be the next “Profile in Underrated Excellence”, feel free to post it in the comments section with a brief explanation as to why you feel that person should be considered. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go watch the “16 and Pregnant” marathon on MTV for the rest of the day…..I mean I’m going to look for a job. A haiku……
Nick Patrick hates bears,
They can smell the menstration.
HE can smell cheating.