Day 292: “I wish I could say I didn’t think it would end this way, but I gotta tell you I always knew it would. Falling to my death, dressed as Abe Lincoln, holding a purple dildo in my hand…….this is how I drew it up.”

I created the following post prior to Cleveland Indians pitcher Bob Feller passing away so I want to take a moment to remember this great man.  As you know I am from Cleveland and am a huge Cleveland Indians fan.  Bob Feller was the best player in the teams long history, hands down.  Not only was he a great player, he was a great man’s man.  I don’t want to get into all of the details of his life, but as you all know by now I am a “no nonsense” kind of guy who doesn’t always agree with the way our society is this days and I think Bob Feller was the same kind of person.  The things Bob Feller did in his life make modern day athletes look like slack jawed panzies, and thats why I loved him.  Peace out Mr. Feller….One Love!

And now on with the show!

How ya’ll doin???  I figured I start the post off with some kick ass punk rock from The Living End today to warm up all of you readers out there.  It’s f-ing cold out huh?!?!  Well I was watching one of my favorite movies from my childhood the other day…Little Giants.

I’m not going to go into a description of the movie because if you haven’t seen it you are not a person in my eyes and you can go fist yourself.  Anyway, I remember hearing something a couple of months ago about how one of the main characters in the movie, Becky “Ice Box” O’Shea has actually made a soft core porno a couple of years ago.  So needless to say, I happily accepted the investigative challenge of finding out what I could.  The first thing I found out is that Ice Box name is Shawna Waldron and she is hot now…like really hot!

Ice Box "before" pic

"Ice Box" new nickname should be "Boner Maker"

The second thing I confirmed is that she was in a movie in 2008 called “Poison Ivy” and it wasn’t necessarily a soft core porno, however there was a very explicit sex scene in the movie.  Using my I-Team skills, I watched the scene just to confirm it was her….and it is!  You can see the clip here and see just how “daddy’s little fullback” grew up and is now taking snaps in her tight end.  She is really picking up the blitz under center if you know what I mean.  The other teams little giants are really plugging her hole on 4th and inches if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.  She played a part as a football player 16 years ago and is now having hot sex on camera is what I’m trying to say.

Anyway, I am completely off topic now.  The reason I brought all of that up is because as I was watching the movie and doing all of that Ice Box research, I thought to myself….what is everyone else from this movie doing?  Where are they now?!?!

Where are the rest of the Little Giants now?

Now I am not going to get into the obvious ones.  For example, Ed O’Neil aka Al Bundy is on this show on ABC.  I have never seen it but I guess it is pretty funny and after hearing that, I will never watch it.  Rick Moranis has been in and out of the biz for the last couple of years, but he is currently filming “Honey I Shrunk the Kid that I Blew Up, So He is Normal Size Now and Everything is Cool” which is due out sometime in Spring 2012. 

Here is a still shot from "Honey I Shrunk the Kid That I Blew Up, So He is Normal Size Now and Everything is Cool." Should be a must see!

We know those guys are doing fine, but what about the kids?  What are they up to you may ask?  Well you all will remember “Spike”, the huge all star pee wee football player who played for Al Bundy’s Cowboys?

"Spike don't play football with girls!" - Spike Hammersmith

Well apparently Spike was asked by the director of the Little Giants to put on 45 lbs of muscle for his role.  Being 12 years old and weighing 85 lbs, the only thing Spike knew that would work was to get on the juice.  As you all know the United States has very lax laws conscerning performance enhancing drug testing for minors.  After the success of the Little Giants, Spike’s head only got bigger.  He continued referring to himself in 3rd person and continued injecting himself with 3 different kinds of anabolic steroids and a low grade horse tranquilizer.  When he was 17 he got into the roller derby scene and quickly became the sports most dominating “jammer”.

"BIGGER FASTER STRONGER AHHHHHHHH!!!! THIS IS HOW I MOW MY LAWN MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!"

Unfortunately, Spike was eventually caught with his steroids and received a lifetime ban from the Roller Derby World Federation.  Word on the streets is that he is currently working on a book called “Spike Don’t Get Why Steroids Are Illegal” but is still in the business of distributing steroids. 

Everyone remembers Ice Box’s crush in the movie, Junior Floyd aka Junior.

Junior Floyd ladies and gentleman

Everyone remembers how all of the girls loved Junior!  He was the star quarterback, he had dreamy blue eyes, and he was just a care free spirit.  That is why everyone was shocked to hear after the movie was finished that Junior had developed a relationship with this fellow cast member….

Jake Berman ladies and gentleman

Others on set were absolutely shocked at the news.  Rick Moranis was quoted as saying “HOLY FUCKING SHIT!”.  Needless to say, the couple was happy and remain life partners to this day.  The couple moved to Santa Monica, CA and are die hard fans of the Austin Powers movie series.  In fact, in 2006 they opened up a flower shop in Santa Monica called “Austin Flowers” that sells only Austin Powers themed bouquets.  The shop was so fucking stupid that it closed 3 months later and the twos whereabouts are unknown as of today.

Rudy Zolteck was best remembered as the chubby lineman who loved cheetos and ripping farts in the huddle (its latin for circle!). 

Rudy Zolteck ladies and gentleman

Rudy Zolteck was up for the role of Goldberg in the Mighty Ducks but lost out because he wasn’t jewish enough.  He took the news hard and was determined to change his life.  He decided to get gastric bypass surgery at the age of 15.  At 17, he weighed 90 lbs and began traveling across the country doing motivational speeches. 

"YYYYOOOOUUUUU RRRRAAAANNNNGGGGGG?!?!" - Rudy Zolteck. Zolteck is still touring the country and you can catch his seminar, "The Little Giant Inside Me" coming to a convocation center near you.

 He was making $30,000 per appearance but was disappointed that the people attending his seminars were only there to hear him say “YYYOOOOUUUUUU RRRAAANNNNGGGGGG????”  He is rich as hell today and splits his time between his houses in Milan, Barcelona, and New York.  He does still rip horrific farts and is still single.

Johnny Venaro was probably the one character in the Little Giants that really wrenched everybody’s hearts.  Johnny was the kid who was a mediocre football player, but he wanted his dad to see him score a touchdown more than anything else in the world which was hard because his dad was always away on business, also known as his dad was cheating on his mom. 

Johnny Vennaro ladies and gentleman

 On the set, Johnny was a prick.  Everybody hated him.  Apparently he pissed in Al Bundy’s machioto one day.  He would constantly snap Ice Box’s bra strap, and he gave Rick Moranis a wedgie every 15 minutes.  On screen Johnny was shy, quiet, and lovable.  The director was sick and tired of everyone complaining to him about Johnny.  That is why the director made him do his own stunt on the kickoff of the big game.  As you recall, Johnny was kicked square in the penis and was “holding a pound of Aunt Betty’s nut-butter” as the announcer so kindly put it.  Well a lot of people don’t realize that really happened!  At the last minute, the director pulled the stuntman and told the kicker to “end his (Johnny) career”.  Well that is exactly what happened.  Johnny actually had to have both of his testicles removed after that stunt the director pulled.  Being 11 years old, Johnny was devastated by the constant ridicule he received.  His life was spinning out of control before he reached high school.  In a desperation act, Johnny sued the shit out of Warner Bros. who distributed the movie.  After a long, drawn out trial, the court awarded Johnny $10 million dollars for physical and emotional distress.  Johnny was thrilled and with his winnings, he purchased a set of gold testicles……

AND controlling stock in the restaurant chain Planet Hollywood.  Johnny got his confidence back, however that dickhead couldn’t run a restaurant for shit and as you all know Planet Hollywood’s went out of business like 50 years ago.  Johnny is homeless these days living on the streets of Chicago.  All he has left is his Planet Hollywood hat, his Planet Hollywood letterman’s jacket, a signed picture of Bruce Willis in Die Hard, and his gold balls. 

What's your dad think of you now Johnny???

Everyone remembers the kid who came up with the “Annexation of Puerto Rico”.  Well he found his calling with analyzing football and grew up to become John Clayton, NFL Football analyst for ESPN.

Of course that’s not the entire cast, but I am still working on investigating the other members.  I will keep you posted with what I find in the future.  That’s all folks.  My butt itches so I’m gonna go drag my ass on the carpet to try and make it stop.  I’m gonna try to get at least one more post in before Christmas so stay tuned!  I leave you with a haiku….

Ice Box doin porn,
Spikes last name is Hammersmith.
Best movie ever.

One Love!

SELAH

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