Day 313: “Here’s something I didn’t know about manequins….they don’t have weiners!”

MAKE EM SAY UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (na na na naaa)  Hellllloooooo!!!!  This is the first post of 2011!!!!!   A NEW YEAR, A NEW ME!!!!!  Haha I have been hearing a lot of people say that a lot lately…I think it is kind of gay to tell you the truth.  Anywho, how was your New Year’s celebrations?!?!  Did you get wild and crazy?  Just like those kids used to on Nickelodeon???

"Lets get Wild n Crazy by trying to represent as many different nationalities as possible with 3 kids!" - Nickelodeon executives

As I mentioned in my last post, I went to Chicago to bring in 2011 and I had a blast!  If you have never been to the Windy City, you need to go.  It’s a cool place man, and it’s really clean!  I mean they have homeless people there too, but most of them are in relationships with other homeless people and they really understand love and sharing of crack rocks.  We were going to go see the Family Matter’s house one day, but never got around to it (that’s one regret I have in my life). 

 It’s not a bad drive from Cleveland which is where I am from.  Although you do have to drive through Indiana which hasn’t really had too much excitement since Larry Bird was born.  If you have never been to Indiana I am going to show you exactly what it looks like.  SPOILER ALERt!!!!

I SHIT YOU NOT!!!  THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ENTIRE STATE LOOKS LIKE!!!  I don’t even know what the hell that thing is!  I predicted that it was a giant sprinkler for a farm, but the more and more I look at it I am thinking that it looks like an animatronic dinosaur skeleton.  That could be true too, because I heard they are looking for locations to shoot Jurassic Park 7 and what screams prehistoric more than Gary, Indiana?!?!  Here’s to hoping you land that gig Indiana…..Christ knows you need it.

So ever since that ball has dropped (New Year’s, not puberty) I have felt like a million bucks!  I really don’t have a care in the world and the job search is coming along nicely.  I am however pretty worried about all of these birds that have been dropping dead in Arkansas and the rest of the dirty. 

No one can explain why it is happening, but there have been like 100,000 birds that have just fallen from the sky and died.  “The man” has been coming up with bull shit explanations like “they were stressed from the holidays” or “they got a hold of some tainted bird seed”.  No one really knows what happened….although I did come across a letter from one of these birds and it is pretty intense…..what follows are it’s last known words.

“To whom it may concern,

If you’re reading this…you already know.  Myself and thousands of my fellow feathered brethren have recently taken our lives.  I am sure all of you humans are freaking out coming up with dumb explanations as to why it happened, or perhaps you think it is a sign from God that you better get your shit together.  Well I am writing you to tell you all that you are full of shit.  What really happened was we staged a mass suicide.  That’s right, we off’ed OURSELVES!  Why you may ask?  Well because we are sick and tired of the way we are portrayed.  For years we have scrutinized and mocked because we have small brains and our poop is white.  ‘OOOOOH LET’S MAKE A GIANT YELLOW BIRD WHO IS 11 FEET TALL, CAN TALK, LOVES KIDS, AND POOPS NORMAL COLORS!’  Way to go Sesame Street!  You didn’t think you offended anyone with that now did ya?!?!

Big Bird is a cocksucker!

Or you…you God forsaken computer nerds!  ‘OOOOH, LET’S MAKE A DUMB ASS COMPUTER GAME WHERE BIRDS AND PIGS ARE AT WAR AND PEOPLE CAN JUST SLING SHOT BIRDS INTO THE PIGS AND THE BIRDS CAN DO DIFFERENT THINGS BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL JUST FAT AND STUPID AND FAT ANYWAY!’  That’s right Angry Birds…GO FIST YOURSELF!!!

YOU WANNA KNOW WHO IS ANGRY?!?!?!  Forget it…it’s not worth it anymore.  You’ll see.  I hope you are all happy with yourselves.  It’s time for this sweet prince to say goodbye.  Peace out bitches!

Go fist yourself,

Colonel Tailfeather”

That’s crazy stuff man.  Those birds did have it rough and I never even realized it.  That is why I want to take a moment to tell you that if you or a bird you know is suffering from depression, please take the time to listen and get them some help by contacting C.A.W. or the Center for Air-animals Well-being.  Bird depression is serious, don’t be a jerk.

Alright that’s all I got for today.  Stay tuned as I am going to document my attempt to get a job from the Cleveland Cavaliers by talking like a radio personality.  A haiku….

Windy City fun,
Urkel fucked that city up,
Birds from a feather….

One Love!

SELAH

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Day 313: “Here’s something I didn’t know about manequins….they don’t have weiners!”

  1. Tex

    Gee zus man … yes it’s an irrigation system for crops.

    Ya damn city boy with yer iPods and your internets … get a job ya hippie!

  2. Hahaha, touche Tex! Are you sure it isn’t an animatronic dinosaur frame though???

  3. Tex

    If it was, that would be one weak-sause dinosaur. It’s all skinny and frail. The other dinosaurs would tease him mercilessly.

  4. Tittie sprinkles

    fgt

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