Hi. What’s going on?!?! I wanted to start today’s post by defending Taco Bell’s recent allegations of not using “real beef” in their delicious mexican product. First off…everybody stop. I am sick and tired of hearing all of the critics come out of the wood work and pretend like they are disgusted with Taco Bell’s ingredients. Show me one person who has never had a late night out drinking and stumbled into a Taco Bell at 3 am and ordered $42 worth of taco’s, burrito’s, nacho’s, cinnatwist etc., and then gone home and eaten every single last bite of it and I will show you a liar. Show me one person who has never craved mexican fast food so much that instead of going grochery shopping for the week, they go to their nearest Taco Bell and spend $25 ordering all the meals they will need for the next 7 days, and I will show you a tree hugging communist. Show me a person who has never read one of those inspirational/funny comments they put on their sauce packets to turn their frown upside down, and I will show you a serial killer.
Now Taco Bell’s CEO aka the coolest guy in the world, was quick to rebuttle with this statement he posted yesterday on the company’s website. Now whether or not the allegations are true, I want to just say that people are stupid. Who really gives a shit about whether Taco Bell’s beef is 100″% USDA or if it is processed oat parts blah blah blah….all I know is that it’s delicious and it always hits the spot. I read this saying the other day that said “lock your significant other and your dog in the trunk of your car, wait an hour, open your trunk, and see who is happier to see you.” That is how my relationship with the Bell is, even if it does give me horrific diarrhea. Taco Bell is my dawg….a-w-g. It is always there for me when I am feeling down in the dumps, and that is why I will stand behind it until the end. If you have’t figured out that our entire society and our entire existence is based around a farce, then you are a dummy. Everything we eat is processed, everything we’re told in commercials is a lie, and everybody is watching out for their own ass and trying to make an extra dollar. Deal with it. I mean, if Taco Bell says that their beef is legit, then I believe them and I am good to go!
I want to address another issue that has been plaguing this country lately. That’s right, pet squirrels that have their pee holes closed up so they can’t urinate. This used to be a rare disease in pet squirrels, however the number of squirrels affected has quadrupled in the last 100 years and now approximately every 1,000 years, 10 squirrels will be affected by this condition. It hit close to home about 20 or 30 years ago as my great uncle found a baby squirrel in his backyard that had it’s pee hole closed. The squirrel could not pee because it’s little pee hole was closed up and every time he tried to pee he made a terrible sound that sounded like a baby squirrel with its pee hole closed trying to pee. My uncle felt obligated to take the little guy under his wing. He named it Mr. Nutty McAcorns, and when I asked my uncle how he finally got Mr. Nutty to pee, he told me he stuck the squirrels “schwanz” (his exact words) into a shot glass full of salt water every night for 20 minutes. Eventually, Mr. Nutty McAcorns started peeing like every other squirrel in the woods. My uncle kept Mr. Nutty for 3 months before re-releasing him back into the wild, but he said that not a day goes by that he thinks about that squirrel and his closed up “schwanz” hole.
This would be the perfect time for one of those NBC psa commercials….
Alright, I’m gonna get out. A haiku….
To the beef haters,
Go fist yourself you vegans.
Schwanz in a shot glass.