WHAT UP ENGLISH?!?!?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH >RAGE SCREAM<!!!!!!!!! THE KID IS BACK!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Spring is in the air, opening day was last week, Wrestlemania was on Sunday, and March Madness just ended (and I finished in 2nd place out of 4 people who filled out a women’s bracket on ESPN.com. I’m coming for you next year LPGAfanatic47!!!). Needless to say I have been walking around with a mega huge boner for the last week and a half and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon. If you’re not impressed with my Wranglers, just know that I AM A GROWER, NOT A SHOW-ER! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
If you read my last post you know that I had to head out west to Phoenix, AZ for some part time work. Well I got back a couple of weeks ago and it was a blast. If you are from the midwest and have never been to Phoenix, just know that it is a lot like Cleveland, but the exact opposite, and a lot closer to Mexico. I went from 30 degree weather and snow to flip flops, sunshine, and 90 degree taint sweat inducing heat. I loved it! We almost died a couple of times on the drive out there when the tires on our vehicle would mysteriously blow out and we would lose all control of the van and scream down the highway in a 85 mph torpedo. Other than that it was really fun! If you ever get the chance to drive across the country like that, DO IT! I had never been west of the Mississippi river. You see I watched that movie “The Hills Have Eyes” a couple years back and was convinced that everyone west of the Mississippi was a flesh starving mutant who enjoyed rape. I swore I would never travel out west until I found out that that movie was not in fact based on a true story. Then I also saw “The Hills Have Thighs” on Cinemax a couple of weeks ago so that made everything peachy.
Anywho, it was really great getting to see this beautiful country we live in…..except for Oklahoma and north Texas, that part of the trip blew. Oklahoma is completely ass backwards in everything it does, and north Texas was nice if you like not seeing a damn thing and a strong odor of cow shit for 4 hours. The rest of the trip was really quite beautiful. The landscape in New Mexico and Arizona was remarkable. This might make me sound like a huge douche but the rock formations out there are unlike anything I have ever seen before. And if you think I am a douche for saying that then FUCK YOU!
I was in Phoenix for St. Patrick’s day which was kind of weird considering I am used to St. Patty’s day being cold with a 90% chance of rain/snow. This year I was able to go see my Indians play a spring training game (and give up a fucking triple to Dontrelle Willis….the pitcher), and then I met up with a friend of mine who lives out there now. This friend suggested we go to Scottsdale for the evening so I agreed. Scottsdale was a really cool place. We hung out in this neighborhood called “Old Town” because which had a wide range of bars and nice restaurants. I think they call it “Old Town” because it was the place where “Old Spice” was invented. Well the weather was so nice we decided to walk around the town and check out all of the drunk Arizonians in their green attire. I later found out that Old Town is right near where the defending World Series Champions the San Francisco Giants play their spring training games. So we saw a lot of their fans out and about drinking green beer and talking about how they saw Barry Bonds inject shark adrenaline into his b-hole. Well we stopped at this bar called “R n R” or some noise like that, I am not exactly sure what the bar was called but it was cool. It was like a two story bar that was for the most part open aired. You could look out from all sides and yell stuff at the passerby’s. My friend suggested we go upstairs to check out the scenery. Well wouldn’t you know the first person I see when I walk in is none other than “The Freak”. That’s right ladies and gentleman…Tim Lincecum himself is sitting at a table right by the door!
I wish I could say I sat down with Tim and had a beer or two, then he agreed to take a picture with us and sign autographs for our non existent children and then give us some complimentary seats behind home plate for opening day, but none of that happened. Instead, Tim Lincecum gave myself and my friends the death stare for the next 30 minutes until he left. The mean mug he was giving us would have made you think that one of us farted in his face or something. As far as I know, that has never happened. It was still really cool seeing him though! I have seen other celebrities and professional athletes before but never any on the same level as Tim Lincecum. Living in Cleveland I see Drew Carey and Phil Donahue literally every single day. For instance, I saw Drew Carey leaving a Chuck-E-Cheese yesterday and Mr. Donahue was working his 2nd job as a baker at a Giant Eagle by my house. Tuley saw Steven King once at a gas station and after he made eye contact with him, he lost 180 lbs that night. I am usually pretty confident when it comes to meeting celebrities but I felt like a 13 year old Justin Bieber fan that night. It was so awesome and exciting I almost jizzed in my pants at the bar. Thinking back on it that probably would have been really weird…for Tim Lincecum, not for me.
So Wrestlemania was this past Sunday and YOU KNOW I ORDERED THAT SHIT!! Actually a couple of my friends ordered it and had a little watch party. And by watch party I mean we gave each other figure 4 leg locks, elbow drops, and folding chairs to the back. I hadn’t watched wrestling in a couple of years but when I was younger I used to go ape shit over that stuff! I had the t-shirts and the action figures and the tombstone pile drivers I used to hand out for free to my younger sister and any other “jambroni” that wanted one in my neighborhood. So I was pretty anxious to see how it had changed. I was suprised to see a lot of the same wrestler’s were in the WWE and was even more suprised to see that “The Miz”, a Cleveland native was the World Champion. I mean…here I’ve been thinking that we hadn’t won anything as a city since 1948 and The Miz has been walking around with the belt for God only knows how long?!?! IT’S OVER, WE DID IT!!!!!!!!
Fuck that noise…but the reason I bring up this Wrestlemania speak is because I saw my favorite wrestler of all time who I never even knew existed until this past weekend. His name is Santino Marella, and I am here today to announce that he has immediately become the official WWe superstar of the Employee of the Month blog. If you already knew about Santino, then shame on you for not saying anything to me about how awesome he was. Enjoy…..
Alright well I’m gonna get going. I want to apologize for it being such a long time since my last post. I was working on this post on and off for the last two weeks and when I finally had it done it didn’t save any of my work so I had to start over after I destroyed everything in my room. I promise I will post again in a few days. In the meantime…a haiku….
TIM LINCECUM PLEASE!!!
I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!!!
Or else…the COBRA!!!!!