Day 409: “Everyday’s a workout when you gotta carry around a 20 lb python in your jeans.” – MacGruber

WHAT UP HATERS?!?!?!  How are you???  😉 >winky face<.  BOOM!!!  Your boy just got a new job and I’M PUMPED!!!  It’s a sales/account manager type position with a very successful company and I’m gonna be famous one day, you’ll see!  I’ve never done sales before but I’ve always been told I could sell a ketchup popsicle to a lady wearing white gloves.  I saw Drew Carey the other day and he told me I could sell a block of ice to a bare ass Eskimo.  The only downside is that I have to move to Cincinnati for at least a year right in the middle of my Cleveland Indians getting off to one of the hottest starts in team history.  Either way, IT’S FUCKING ON!!!!!!

"...it's gotta be YOUR bull...."

If I move away and the Indians win a World Series I’m going to flip out.  Anyway, in my fit of happiness today I came up with a really great idea for a movie.  You see I hate Robin Williams because for whatever reason he is so god damn hairy and I can’t stand when I see him in real life and he is just jumping off the walls.  I’ll watch him make an appearance on Conan or what have you and after 5 minutes I am yelling at my tv for someone to just slap the hell out of that man and tell him to calm down.  How that man did not get beat to death as a child by his parents/any other person who may have come across him is a miracle if you ask me.  However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I am a big fan of the movie Mrs. Doubtfire.  That movie came out when I was fairly young and as far as I can remember was my first encounter with transvestites.  Well I was thinking to myself today, why doesn’t Hollywood make a movie called Mr. Doubtfire which will be just like Mrs. Doubtfire but the other way around.  Instead of the dad trying to get closer to his kids, it will be like a meth addict mom trying to get back to her kids by dressing up like a man and pretending to be a nanny or maid or whatever, but she will be smoking meth the whole time too.  I know the economy is still pretty fragile so you could save a lot of money with special effects and make up and just hire Rosie O’Donnell to play the mom/tranny dad.

The lovely Rosie O'Donnelly ladies and gentleman!

Oh man now that shit would sell!  “What would you do to see your kids and you were addicted to meth?  For Rosie O’Donnell, the answer was simple…dress up as a man and pretend to be a nanny.  This summer >BOOM BOOM<, Rosie O’Donnell >BOOM BOOM<, in….MR. DOUBTFIRE!”

 

Mr. Doubtfire movie poster. Quick shout out to google images for providing me with this spectacular picture!

 

I’ve been going on a lot of walks lately since the weather has been a little nicer.  I don’t walk anywhere in particular, I just put my headphones in and wander.  I like to people watch and I always see some pretty interesting people on my walks.  Well the other day I thought to myself….what if some dude who just woke up from a 20 year coma ran into you on the street.  Like he thought it was 1991 and had no idea that things had changed.  Like he saw a billboard with Barack Obama on it and started freaking out demanding to know where George Bush was.  He was just flipping out refusing to listen to anyone.  Or he decides to go to a Browns game one Sunday in the fall and he thinks that the stadium is a UFO because they tore the old one down and built a new one in the same location.  Once he did get into the game he stands up after the first play of the game and is livid that Bernie Kosar is not starting.  He starts throwing his beer and punching kids in the head all while chanting “BERNIE, BERNIE, BERNIE!”  He decides he needs to get some gas in his 1991 Buick Regal and goes to a gas station with $10 in his hands so he can fill his car up, then he has a heart attack when he sees his $10 only got him 2.5 gallons of gas.  He walks into a record store and is pissed that Nirvana hasn’t come out with a new cd in a while.  Man….it would be crazy for that guy but I would love to run into someone like that and just follow them around and see how insane they go when they see that things have changed and they don’t understand why.  This reminds me of a skit from the Whitest Kids U Know….

“HEY DUM DUM, WE AIN’T IN NO GIANT TEA CUP!!!  IT’S THE OCEAN!!!” Hahahaha.  Ohhh that is a situation I would love to be in one time in my life.  Alright well I gotta get going.  I am heading to Wilmington, NC until Monday so if you are in the area and want to meet up for tea and scrumpets then send me an email.  I got a busy couple of weeks coming up with the move to Cincinnati and all, but I will holler at you as soon as I can.  Until then, a haiku….

I AM BACK, JOB TIME!
They say ‘third time is a charm’,
Cincy, here I come!

One Love!

SELAH

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