Monthly Archives: March 2015

“Somewhere out there is a man who has jerked-off more than anybody else in the world…”

HELLLLLOOOOO!!!!  How is everyone?!  This is my first post in a little over a week.  I had to house sit for my parents who were out of town.  I had to watch their stupid animals.  Some of you old school followers of the blog may remember Lyla who was a big component of my early posts.  She was a huge pain in the ass, but she is all grown up now and not so much of an ass hat, but they got another dog that is the fattest most annoying beagle in the world.  I’ve always loved dogs, but that bastard is really making me start to question my stance on that.

Free Beagle! Just bring your own forklift to get her out of the house!

Anyway, when she would wake me up at 4am to go outside and bark at a tree for an hour, this song by Metz was playing in my head, and thus….that is todays song!  These guys go so fuggin hard and are coming to Cleveland in mid-April.  So if you feel like getting your face melted off and then your bare skull smashed with a sledge hammer, you should totally check em out!  The first time I heard this song I was at work, and hand to God I thought about head butting every single one of my co-workers.  I work in a medium sized office with maybe 30 other people, give or take.  I really started planning this out going over things like “do I have the stamina to headbutt 30 people in a row?”  “Who do I think has the hardest head?  And should I start with them first then work my way down to the co-workers that I suspect have softer skulls?”  “Could I get away with it without anyone knowing that I just headbutted them, and/or another co-worker of theirs?”  I didnt do it, but you could totally imagine what it would be like if I did!

Mmm hmmm!

So I cant stop thinking about all of the things I did since I really kind of stopped blogging a few years ago.  I think one of the biggest things I did that a lot of you might appreciate is start a podcast.  A good friend of mine and I decided one night that we were really good at talking about obscure nonsense for a long time.  We thought we were pretty funny and could do a good job of filling some air time with our thoughts, stories, opinions, jokes, etc.  So we went out and bought all of the recording equipment.  We went all out.  Mixers, microphones, sound cancelling table cloths, nice headphones, some decent rolling chairs for our “guests”.  We created all of the social media pages, handles, emails, etc.  We were on top of this!!! This was a hard core operation we were undertaking.  So the last thing we needed was a name.  What would we call our podcast?  It had to be something catchy, something that all of the kids would remember and talk about in school, and hanging out at the diner.  “What is something that would go good on a t-shirt, or better yet a billboard!” is what we asked ourselves.  Well the name we came up with was “The Brony State”.  It was perfect!  My name is Bryan, his name is Tony.  Mash those two together and you get “Brony”.  Oh man it was genius!  We were going to be famous!  We were going to get laid so hard it was going to be awesome!  We were finally ready to start podcasting!

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It started out great!  Our radio chemistry was on point and we really had some great content to put out there.  But then…..well then the creepy emails and messages started rolling in.  We couldnt figure out what type of people were listening to our show, but we were getting some really really weird followers.

I’ll never forget where I was the night that Tony broke the news to me.  He said, “hey dude…..do you know what a ‘Brony’ is?”  And my dumb ass said “that’s what we’re going to call our followers AMIRIGHT?!”  And he goes “no dude…Brony’s are guys that are really really really into My Little Ponies” and I go “you mean the cartoon about tiny little ponies?!  Isnt that for little girls?”  and he goes “well yeah, but I guess there is an entire subculture of dudes that really get into that show called Brony’s”.  Well long story short, things got weird from that point on.  Our whole existence was a lie.  I couldnt focus knowing that we literally created a podcast that the common man would think was only geared towards Brony’s and the My Little Pony series.  Things kind of fizzled out after that.  I mean we kept doing the podcast and it was a lot of fun.  It’s still out there on the interwebs if you’re looking for something to listen to in the car or at work.  We still always talk about starting it up again but it was pretty time consuming, plus there’s the fact that we have Brony’s spamming us non stop…..so there’s that.

The part that really chaps my ass is that I’m a very thorough person.  I usually always make sure all my T’s are crossed and I’s are dotted, so I dont know how I missed this one.  I mean….all I had to do was a simple google search for the word Brony, and this is literally the first image that comes up.

I’m not lying…the very first Google image. Try it out. Let me know what you find.

I mean, dont get me wrong, I’m all about people doing what makes them happy.  You want to be into My Little Ponies?  God Bless you!  Give it hell!  More power to you.  Butttttttt I definitely would have rethought our name having seen this if all I did was freaking Google the name first.  That’s the moral of the story kids…….always do a Google search.  For everything.

This is Philip from Wichita, Kansas. He was our biggest fan. WHAT UP PHILIP?! YOU DOIN GOOD? DID YOU GET THE CHRISTMAS CARD I SENT YOU???

So I mentioned in one of my more recent posts that I turned 30 not too long ago.  It’s pretty crazy.  I definitely feel older which has never really happened to me up to this point in my life.  Age was always just a number, but the big 3-0 hit me hard for some reason.  I find myself doing weird stuff too.  Like old man stuff.  Like I recently got into Werther’s butterscotch candies…..like overnight too.  One day you’re 29 and you can’t stand those butterscotch candies, next day you’re 30 and you’re thinking about stealing them from CVS just to get your fix.  I’ve been thinking about getting a pair of suspenders.  I mean belts are great and all…..but do you really get the kind of support a grown ass man needs?  I feel like you do with suspenders!  And I think I want some!  Moth balls have been on my mind a lot lately.  I lay in bed looking into my dark closet and I think to myself “how the hell are my clothes going to stay protected from those devil creature’s known as moth’s?!  I need to protect my clothes dammit!”

30 or not, this kind of shit will always be funny to me. I love the noise the moth is making too! “GNNNNNNNNN”, that is totally the noise I would make hahahahahaha!

One of my biggest concerns with turning 30, is when is it ok to start calling girls creepy old man terms like “sweetheart” or “honey” or “baby doll” or “sugar lips” or “angel face” or “cutie pie” or “jelly bean” or “punkin”.  I have a lot of friends that are getting married, or in serious long term relationships and I feel like calling their girlfriends “dude” or “homie” might be a little inappropriate.  I dont know maybe I’m way off base here, but for whatever reason using those terms when talking to a friends girlfriend just doesnt seem right.  I mean I almost let one of these slip a few weeks ago when I ran into a friend and his wife and the grocery store.  I was so disappointed in myself after the encounter.  Like I was thinking to myself “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  YOU ALMOST CALLED YOUR FRIENDS WIFE SWEETHEART!!!  YOU’RE SOOO OLD!!!  STOP BEING OLD!!!!”.  But I wanted to open up to all of you.  Is 30 to young to start using creepy old man nicknames like that?  I’m so torn right now.  I need your help!

This fuggin guy and his diabeetus, haha!

Alright you all….I’m calling it.  St Patricks day is upon us!  Spring starts in a few days, and Rod Stewart Day is this Saturday (more on that later)! It’s a very exciting week!  Everyone have fun and stay safe.  I leave you all with a haiku…

Headbuttin for dayz
I’m real big with the Brony’s
Hey there cutie pie!

One Love!

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“You know the saying….a girl can’t stay hot forever, but she can stay crazy forever…”

Hello my readers from other breeders!!!  Hahaha I just came up with that one!  Hope all is well out there in the interwebs.  I stumbled upon this gem of a quote I used for my post title a couple of weeks back and I thought it fit in perfect with this fantastic song by Vancouver’s own Japandroids titled “Crazy/Forever”.  For only being a 2 man band, those goofy Canadians sure can bring the rock pretty hard.

I’ve been grinning ear to ear since I made my return to the blogging game last Saturday.  In a way, I kind of felt like Lebron when he announced he was coming back to Cleveland.  I knew deep down in the bottom of my heart that it was a move I wanted to make a long time ago.  Then when the timing was just right, BOO BAM!  Can I just say how friggin awesome that was when Lebron announced he was coming back to the CLE?!  It’s one of those things I dont know if I’ll ever forget.  And I know that might sound stupid to a lot of people, but I think that is what makes Clevelanders so great!  This is one of the hottest cities in the entire world right now and everyone wants a piece of it!  I never thought I’d ever say that!  But here I am sitting in my underwear blogging to you from the epicenter of the entire universe.  Cleveland fucking Ohio!  I mean I felt like I get back into the game when my city is at it’s peak!

I mean the last year has really seemed like such a whirlwind with all of the cool shit happening at the “Mistake by the M-Lake” aka Cleveland.  I mean, we just had our first Comic Con!  You know you’re a cool city when nerds from every corner of the Earth come to your city to dress up like super heroes and not get an atomic wedgie because of it.  WE JUST FUCKING DID THAT CLEVELAND!!!

THESE 2 WERE TOTALLY READY FOR COMIC CON CLEVELAND!!!  STRAIGHT OUTTA PAINESVILLE!!!

Next year, Cleveland is hosting the Republican National Convention.  Every 4 years, cities all over the country fight and claw to get the opportunity to host a party convention.  What a strategic move by the GOP!  Choosing a city that has been primarily a democratic region in one of the biggest swing states year in and year out!  But more importantly…think of all the strippers and hookers that are going to here then!!!  That will be worth the trip alone!  Strippers and hookers for as far as the eye can see!  Early estimates have the income from the sex industry alone will top $9 billion dollars that week.  Johnny Manziel’s definitely getting arrested that weekend!

“WELCOME TO CLEVELAND MR. JEB BUSH! HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN A CLEVELAND STEAMER FROM A CLASSY LADY BEFORE? WANT ONEEEE?  I’LL MAKE YOU THE MAYOR OF TITTY CITY IF YOU WANT!”

Cleveland really flexed it’s cultural muscle last summer when it was the host of the 9th ever Gay Games.  It joined the company of some of the greatest cities in the world including Paris, Chicago, Amsterdam, and New York by becoming a host city for homosexual athletes from all over the world.  I mean how many other cities can say they’ve hosted the international Gay Games, AND a Republican National Convention before?  I mean, I feel like a lot of heads would ‘splode down south if they hosted any type of gay game, but maybe I’m wrong.   Either way I think it’s pretty impressive that my city can pull off such a feat!

Pictured above: Blyman and Garfunkel stole the show in the ice dancing competition at the 2014 Gay Games hosted in the city of Cleveland, OH. Their famous routine “Eww eww, there’s a spider, kill it” gave them a perfect score of 10.

And as far as the food and beverage scene goes….well let’s just say it’s been business as usual here in the CLE!  Michael Symon will be opening his 900th restaurant downtown tomorrow, and it seems like a new brewery is popping up on every street corner around this place!  It seems like every other day, some pedestrian is getting hit by a food truck speeding to the next hot spot downtown.  I’m not complaining!  I love to eat and I certainly love to drink.  The best part is that you need to refinance your house to eat or go out for a drink at most of these places!  That’s called class haters!  Get used to it, cause Cleveland ain’t going nowhere!

This March, Michael Symon opens his 900th restaurant called “Gordita-Lita” in the heart of E. 3rd street (we ran out of room on E. 4th). Be sure to try his signature “Hotdog-pus and shells and cheese” for $49.99.

Yummmm!!!  Can’t wait!  In all seriousness though, I’ve been back in Cleveland for about 3 years now and it truly is better than I can ever remember it, and I spent the first 25 years of my life here.  It’s simple, but genuine.  It’s blue collar, but relaxed.  But more importantly, it’s fun and now I feel like a lot of people that arent from Ohio are realizing that.  That makes me happy.  Hopefully we can show them all a nice time while they’re passing through.  More importantly, hopefully we can keep this momentum going and keep this place special for a long time to come.

This reminds me of those old Motel 6 commercials where that creepy guy would say, “Motel 6…we’ll leave the light on for ya.”  Well I am giving this one to all of those Cleveland marketing companies out there!  YOU’RE WELCOME!

jaws

Alright, that’s all I got for tonight.  I’m house sitting for the next 8 days so I’ll try to post a few times if possible but no promises.  Your boi will have a lot of running around to do but I’ll be thinking of ya!  Hope you all have a nice weekend, dont forget to move your clocks ahead an hour on Saturday night, and change those God damn batteries in your smoke alarms for crying out loud.  I leave you all with a haiku…

Grover Cleveland’s proud
His city, is the titties
Still cold as balls though…

One Love!

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