“Somewhere out there is a man who has jerked-off more than anybody else in the world…”

HELLLLLOOOOO!!!!  How is everyone?!  This is my first post in a little over a week.  I had to house sit for my parents who were out of town.  I had to watch their stupid animals.  Some of you old school followers of the blog may remember Lyla who was a big component of my early posts.  She was a huge pain in the ass, but she is all grown up now and not so much of an ass hat, but they got another dog that is the fattest most annoying beagle in the world.  I’ve always loved dogs, but that bastard is really making me start to question my stance on that.

Free Beagle! Just bring your own forklift to get her out of the house!

Anyway, when she would wake me up at 4am to go outside and bark at a tree for an hour, this song by Metz was playing in my head, and thus….that is todays song!  These guys go so fuggin hard and are coming to Cleveland in mid-April.  So if you feel like getting your face melted off and then your bare skull smashed with a sledge hammer, you should totally check em out!  The first time I heard this song I was at work, and hand to God I thought about head butting every single one of my co-workers.  I work in a medium sized office with maybe 30 other people, give or take.  I really started planning this out going over things like “do I have the stamina to headbutt 30 people in a row?”  “Who do I think has the hardest head?  And should I start with them first then work my way down to the co-workers that I suspect have softer skulls?”  “Could I get away with it without anyone knowing that I just headbutted them, and/or another co-worker of theirs?”  I didnt do it, but you could totally imagine what it would be like if I did!

Mmm hmmm!

So I cant stop thinking about all of the things I did since I really kind of stopped blogging a few years ago.  I think one of the biggest things I did that a lot of you might appreciate is start a podcast.  A good friend of mine and I decided one night that we were really good at talking about obscure nonsense for a long time.  We thought we were pretty funny and could do a good job of filling some air time with our thoughts, stories, opinions, jokes, etc.  So we went out and bought all of the recording equipment.  We went all out.  Mixers, microphones, sound cancelling table cloths, nice headphones, some decent rolling chairs for our “guests”.  We created all of the social media pages, handles, emails, etc.  We were on top of this!!! This was a hard core operation we were undertaking.  So the last thing we needed was a name.  What would we call our podcast?  It had to be something catchy, something that all of the kids would remember and talk about in school, and hanging out at the diner.  “What is something that would go good on a t-shirt, or better yet a billboard!” is what we asked ourselves.  Well the name we came up with was “The Brony State”.  It was perfect!  My name is Bryan, his name is Tony.  Mash those two together and you get “Brony”.  Oh man it was genius!  We were going to be famous!  We were going to get laid so hard it was going to be awesome!  We were finally ready to start podcasting!

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It started out great!  Our radio chemistry was on point and we really had some great content to put out there.  But then…..well then the creepy emails and messages started rolling in.  We couldnt figure out what type of people were listening to our show, but we were getting some really really weird followers.

I’ll never forget where I was the night that Tony broke the news to me.  He said, “hey dude…..do you know what a ‘Brony’ is?”  And my dumb ass said “that’s what we’re going to call our followers AMIRIGHT?!”  And he goes “no dude…Brony’s are guys that are really really really into My Little Ponies” and I go “you mean the cartoon about tiny little ponies?!  Isnt that for little girls?”  and he goes “well yeah, but I guess there is an entire subculture of dudes that really get into that show called Brony’s”.  Well long story short, things got weird from that point on.  Our whole existence was a lie.  I couldnt focus knowing that we literally created a podcast that the common man would think was only geared towards Brony’s and the My Little Pony series.  Things kind of fizzled out after that.  I mean we kept doing the podcast and it was a lot of fun.  It’s still out there on the interwebs if you’re looking for something to listen to in the car or at work.  We still always talk about starting it up again but it was pretty time consuming, plus there’s the fact that we have Brony’s spamming us non stop…..so there’s that.

The part that really chaps my ass is that I’m a very thorough person.  I usually always make sure all my T’s are crossed and I’s are dotted, so I dont know how I missed this one.  I mean….all I had to do was a simple google search for the word Brony, and this is literally the first image that comes up.

I’m not lying…the very first Google image. Try it out. Let me know what you find.

I mean, dont get me wrong, I’m all about people doing what makes them happy.  You want to be into My Little Ponies?  God Bless you!  Give it hell!  More power to you.  Butttttttt I definitely would have rethought our name having seen this if all I did was freaking Google the name first.  That’s the moral of the story kids…….always do a Google search.  For everything.

This is Philip from Wichita, Kansas. He was our biggest fan. WHAT UP PHILIP?! YOU DOIN GOOD? DID YOU GET THE CHRISTMAS CARD I SENT YOU???

So I mentioned in one of my more recent posts that I turned 30 not too long ago.  It’s pretty crazy.  I definitely feel older which has never really happened to me up to this point in my life.  Age was always just a number, but the big 3-0 hit me hard for some reason.  I find myself doing weird stuff too.  Like old man stuff.  Like I recently got into Werther’s butterscotch candies…..like overnight too.  One day you’re 29 and you can’t stand those butterscotch candies, next day you’re 30 and you’re thinking about stealing them from CVS just to get your fix.  I’ve been thinking about getting a pair of suspenders.  I mean belts are great and all…..but do you really get the kind of support a grown ass man needs?  I feel like you do with suspenders!  And I think I want some!  Moth balls have been on my mind a lot lately.  I lay in bed looking into my dark closet and I think to myself “how the hell are my clothes going to stay protected from those devil creature’s known as moth’s?!  I need to protect my clothes dammit!”

30 or not, this kind of shit will always be funny to me. I love the noise the moth is making too! “GNNNNNNNNN”, that is totally the noise I would make hahahahahaha!

One of my biggest concerns with turning 30, is when is it ok to start calling girls creepy old man terms like “sweetheart” or “honey” or “baby doll” or “sugar lips” or “angel face” or “cutie pie” or “jelly bean” or “punkin”.  I have a lot of friends that are getting married, or in serious long term relationships and I feel like calling their girlfriends “dude” or “homie” might be a little inappropriate.  I dont know maybe I’m way off base here, but for whatever reason using those terms when talking to a friends girlfriend just doesnt seem right.  I mean I almost let one of these slip a few weeks ago when I ran into a friend and his wife and the grocery store.  I was so disappointed in myself after the encounter.  Like I was thinking to myself “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  YOU ALMOST CALLED YOUR FRIENDS WIFE SWEETHEART!!!  YOU’RE SOOO OLD!!!  STOP BEING OLD!!!!”.  But I wanted to open up to all of you.  Is 30 to young to start using creepy old man nicknames like that?  I’m so torn right now.  I need your help!

This fuggin guy and his diabeetus, haha!

Alright you all….I’m calling it.  St Patricks day is upon us!  Spring starts in a few days, and Rod Stewart Day is this Saturday (more on that later)! It’s a very exciting week!  Everyone have fun and stay safe.  I leave you all with a haiku…

Headbuttin for dayz
I’m real big with the Brony’s
Hey there cutie pie!

One Love!

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