Day 354: “Besides getting shot in the back of the head, do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school…and I’m not making that up.”

Yo!  What is up?!?!?!  I got a good post lined up today, let’s get this shit wet.  First off, I wanna wish Abraham Lincoln a happy belated birthday as you can tell by the title of the post.  “Honest Abe’s” birthday was this past Saturday on February 12th, and although I never personally met him, I happen to be very fond of former President Lincoln.  From everything I have learned, we were very much one in the same.  We are both tall.  We are both proud Americans.  We both prefer to use vinegar as deodrant.  We both like our women like our coffee…with no pubic hair.  The fact is that Abraham Lincoln was a revolutionary president who changed the face of this country forever.  Unfortunately his life was cut short when, contrary to the history books, John Wilkes Booth hammered him in the butt soo much, he died. 

Happy belated 738th birthday Mr. Lincoln. Today, we salute you!

Moving on!  So yesterday one of the most popular game shows in the world decided to spice things up a bit when they brought back the two most successful players in history to play a mega computer.  That’s right, Jeopardy made history yesterday pitting 74 game winner Ken Jennings and the highest financial winner in history, Al Borlan Jr. (that’s not really his name but forgot it, I know it’s not Ken Jennings, and the dude kind of looks like Al Borlan), against a $30 million dollar super computer that has been developed by IBM for the past 5 years.  I’ve watched it the past two nights and I must say, it…is….horse shit. 

Here is a picture of all the parties involved in this game show history. You can see Alex Trebek holding up one finger referring to how many things in this picture that have had sex with a female. Mr. Trebek has pounded so much V it makes Charlie Sheen look like a prude.

So this computer, which is named Watson for some dumb ass reason I don’t know of, is ridiculous.  It’s like Google on steroids.  It’s fast, knows every answer, and is scaring the hell out of me.  I’ve seen “I Robot” and “The Matrix”, I know what this means for the rest of human kind.  You can see the frustration on the human contestants faces as this computer constantly buzzes in before they do and says the answer in that retarded robot voice.  Yesterday, it repeated a wrong answer that Ken Jennings already said and the color of “Watson’s” icon changed to yellow.  I laughed out loud and kept calling it a dummy, and then I got scarred thinking it was going to vaporize all of the humans in the audience with it’s death ray because it got an answer wrong.  Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is the show is really stupid.  The computer is dominate against it’s human counterparts and rightfully so.  But like I said before, it’s like watching Alex Trebek use Google.  Seriously, that is exactly what it’s like.  But instead of Alex looking up porno stuff like 95% of the world, he is looking up stupid shit about former European Kings, Before and After, and Literary Characters.  F@$% that noise.  It would be a lot more interesting if Mr. Trebek Googled while he was drunk, just like back in the 70’s…

On tomorrow’s episode, I hear they are gonna have a “Blogs” category.  I wanna see R2D2 get this one right…

"Answer: Started in July of 2009, this blog features Tuesdays with Tuleys, haikus, boner jokes, and the best 'Where are they now' segments on the internet". BOOM!

And last but CERTAINLY not least, I wanna give an epic shout out to my 1,000,000 blog subscriber.  That’s right txagman_2000, you are my one millionth fan and I want to thank you!  You are at the top of a list that includes Lady Gaga, some guy from Vietnam, and Colon Lou (the guy who hooks me up with discount colonoscopy’s).  This is a big milestone for the blog and you burst right through it!  I want you to know I have always been a big fan of College Station and the 12th man….too bad about that bonfire thing though, that sounded like it was a good time.  In honor of your historic subscription to the blog, I am dedicating today’s haiku to you.

College Station pimp,
Dude loves the unemployed blog.
One Love to Aggies!

 One Love….World!

SELAH

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Day 334: “On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on’, yellow means ‘go’, and red means ‘where the fuck did you get that banana at?!?!”

Hi.  What’s going on?!?!  I wanted to start today’s post by defending Taco Bell’s recent allegations of not using “real beef” in their delicious mexican product.  First off…everybody stop.  I am sick and tired of hearing all of the critics come out of the wood work and pretend like they are disgusted with Taco Bell’s ingredients.  Show me one person who has never had a late night out drinking and stumbled into a Taco Bell at 3 am and ordered $42 worth of taco’s, burrito’s, nacho’s, cinnatwist etc., and then gone home and eaten every single last bite of it and I will show you a liar.  Show me one person who has never craved mexican fast food so much that instead of going grochery shopping for the week, they go to their nearest Taco Bell and spend $25 ordering all the meals they will need for the next 7 days, and I will show you a tree hugging communist.  Show me a person who has never read one of those inspirational/funny comments they put on their sauce packets to turn their frown upside down, and I will show you a serial killer. 

HAHAHAHA!!! THAT'S THE RADDEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN!!!

Now Taco Bell’s CEO aka the coolest guy in the world, was quick to rebuttle with this statement he posted yesterday on the company’s website.  Now whether or not the allegations are true, I want to just say that people are stupid.  Who really gives a shit about whether Taco Bell’s beef is 100″% USDA or if it is processed oat parts blah blah blah….all I know is that it’s delicious and it always hits the spot.  I read this saying the other day that said “lock your significant other and your dog in the trunk of your car, wait an hour, open your trunk, and see who is happier to see you.”  That is how my relationship with the Bell is, even if it does give me horrific diarrhea.  Taco Bell is my dawg….a-w-g.  It is always there for me when I am feeling down in the dumps, and that is why I will stand behind it until the end.  If you have’t figured out that our entire society and our entire existence is based around a farce, then you are a dummy.  Everything we eat is processed, everything we’re told in commercials is a lie, and everybody is watching out for their own ass and trying to make an extra dollar.  Deal with it.  I mean, if Taco Bell says that their beef is legit, then I believe them and I am good to go!

Sounds good to me!

I want to address another issue that has been plaguing this country lately.  That’s right, pet squirrels that have their pee holes closed up so they can’t urinate.  This used to be  a rare disease in pet squirrels, however the number of squirrels affected has quadrupled in the last 100 years and now approximately every 1,000 years, 10 squirrels will be affected by this condition.  It hit close to home about 20 or 30 years ago as my great uncle found a baby squirrel in his backyard that had it’s pee hole closed.  The squirrel could not pee because it’s little pee hole was closed up and every time he tried to pee he made a terrible sound that sounded like a baby squirrel with its pee hole closed trying to pee.  My uncle felt obligated to take the little guy under his wing.  He named it Mr. Nutty McAcorns, and when I asked my uncle how he finally got Mr. Nutty to pee, he told me he stuck the squirrels “schwanz” (his exact words) into a shot glass full of salt water every night for 20 minutes.  Eventually, Mr. Nutty McAcorns started peeing like every other squirrel in the woods.  My uncle kept Mr. Nutty for 3 months before re-releasing him back into the wild, but he said that not a day goes by that he thinks about that squirrel and his closed up “schwanz” hole.  

Mr. Nutty McAcorns post-schwanz experiment

This would be the perfect time for one of those NBC psa commercials….

....about squirrels pee holes.

Alright, I’m gonna get out.  A haiku….

To the beef haters,
Go fist yourself you vegans.
Schwanz in a shot glass.

One Love!

SELAH

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Day 317: “Just to be clear I am not condoning eating your kids…but I sure as heck know why giraffe’s do it!”

What up suckas?  I hope you had a good weekend.  This time of year is really a grind for most people.  The holidays are over, everyone has to come back down to earth, and everyone has to deal with the shitty weather and terrible driving.  This time of year really makes or breaks a lot of people especially myself.  But you just got keep telling yourself that March is only a couple of months away.  Unless of course that dickhead groundhog sees his shadow or doesn’t see his shadow…..I don’t know how it f-ing works.  I am convinced that Groundhog day was created by a guy who was deciding on whether or not to go postal on his co-workers and he was so high on crystal meth that he decided to let his fate be decided by a groundhog that he ran over with his F-150.  That thing was totally dead but he still had a shadow, and I think we all know what happened after that.  A little thing I like to call the American Civil War…..

Boom.

Anyway, I wamted to post today to ask all of you guys a question.  Ok, here’s the deal.  I have been going to the gym with my roommate who has unlimited free guest passes for the past several days.  It’s nice too because we go really early in the morning, like at 5 am which is nice because you can get your workout out of the way for the rest of the day and it really wakes you up for your work day/sitting on the couch.  The gym we go to is pretty nice.  There are a ton of different machines so you don’t ever have to wait for anything.  It’s really nice for me because I am training for a half marathon in May so I can always find a treadmill right away.  This place went one step better though, they have two individual rooms for people who want to run/do the eliptical machines/ride stationary bikes.  The rooms are dark which is sweet and relaxing until you try to push the buttons to start the treadmill and have to squint and you look like a 95 year old person trying to dial the telephone with your face 2 and a half inches from the phone.  
Anyway each room has a giant projection screen television that shows something different.  The one room always has ESPN on and the other room always shows a different movie every day.  Well this morning I was making my way into the ESPN dark room when I noticed that the movie “Charlie St. Cloud” was playing in the movie dark room. 

 That movie is a total chick flick and I think Zac Efron is a pedophile pulling off the greatest con in the history of the world.  I don’t give two shits about that movie!  IMDB gave it 1.7 out of 10 stars and one critic said that he would rather “make love to a moving blender” then watch that movie.  The only good thing about that movie is the lead actress who I have a huge crush on.  Her name is Amanda Crew and I love her!

Amanda Crew = insta-boner

Before I continue I just want to say I think Ms. Crew is beautiful and this is going to sound really weird but I think she has the prettiest mouth in Hollywood and I don’t mean that in like a Deliverance “you have a purrdy mouth” way.  There is just something about the way she looks when she talks and how she smiles that drives me crazy.  Ms. Crew, if you are reading this please don’t think I am crazy….and feel free to invite me over to your place for sex.

So anyway here was my dilemma….do I run on the treadmill in the ESPN room with all of the other dudes, or do I run in front of a 20 foot tall Amanda Crew???  I’ll tell you what I did.  I walked into the Charlie St. Cloud room and started stretching.  The room was full of young women who were all power walking while watching the movie.  I shit you not there was not one man in that room, except for me on the side pretending to stretch while I’m watching gigantic Amanda Crew shine on the stage while that shitbag Zac Efron is trying to steal her thunder.  Every chick in there was giving me the dirtiest look like I wasn’t supposed to be in there, but fuck them!  It’s not everyday you get a chance to work out in front of your crush!  I picked out my treadmill and was waiting to make my move when another young female walked in and took it.  At that point I was screwed.  I instead would have had to run in the middle of a pack of ladies drooling over Zac Efron and I swear to God I was thinking about doing it!  Instead I pretended to stretch my hamstrings for like 5 more minutes that wussed out and went into the ESPN room.  I was so dead set on watching my girl and then I totally shat the bed.  I guess I just thought that all of those women would have thought I was gay and would have asked me to go shopping with them or for relationship advice.  I don’t know, I completely lost it and I have been pretty pissed at myself all day long.  That’s why I want to ask you if it would have been gay if I would have stayed and watched Charlie St. Cloud while I ran….
There is supposed to be a poll above but it’s being dumb so I don’t know if you can see it or not.  That’s all I got for today.  You all come back now ya year.  A haiku….
 
Boners on treadmills,
Not good while around women.
WHY DID I WUSS OUT?!?!?!
 
One Love!
SELAH

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Day 313: “Here’s something I didn’t know about manequins….they don’t have weiners!”

MAKE EM SAY UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (na na na naaa)  Hellllloooooo!!!!  This is the first post of 2011!!!!!   A NEW YEAR, A NEW ME!!!!!  Haha I have been hearing a lot of people say that a lot lately…I think it is kind of gay to tell you the truth.  Anywho, how was your New Year’s celebrations?!?!  Did you get wild and crazy?  Just like those kids used to on Nickelodeon???

"Lets get Wild n Crazy by trying to represent as many different nationalities as possible with 3 kids!" - Nickelodeon executives

As I mentioned in my last post, I went to Chicago to bring in 2011 and I had a blast!  If you have never been to the Windy City, you need to go.  It’s a cool place man, and it’s really clean!  I mean they have homeless people there too, but most of them are in relationships with other homeless people and they really understand love and sharing of crack rocks.  We were going to go see the Family Matter’s house one day, but never got around to it (that’s one regret I have in my life). 

 It’s not a bad drive from Cleveland which is where I am from.  Although you do have to drive through Indiana which hasn’t really had too much excitement since Larry Bird was born.  If you have never been to Indiana I am going to show you exactly what it looks like.  SPOILER ALERt!!!!

I SHIT YOU NOT!!!  THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ENTIRE STATE LOOKS LIKE!!!  I don’t even know what the hell that thing is!  I predicted that it was a giant sprinkler for a farm, but the more and more I look at it I am thinking that it looks like an animatronic dinosaur skeleton.  That could be true too, because I heard they are looking for locations to shoot Jurassic Park 7 and what screams prehistoric more than Gary, Indiana?!?!  Here’s to hoping you land that gig Indiana…..Christ knows you need it.

So ever since that ball has dropped (New Year’s, not puberty) I have felt like a million bucks!  I really don’t have a care in the world and the job search is coming along nicely.  I am however pretty worried about all of these birds that have been dropping dead in Arkansas and the rest of the dirty. 

No one can explain why it is happening, but there have been like 100,000 birds that have just fallen from the sky and died.  “The man” has been coming up with bull shit explanations like “they were stressed from the holidays” or “they got a hold of some tainted bird seed”.  No one really knows what happened….although I did come across a letter from one of these birds and it is pretty intense…..what follows are it’s last known words.

“To whom it may concern,

If you’re reading this…you already know.  Myself and thousands of my fellow feathered brethren have recently taken our lives.  I am sure all of you humans are freaking out coming up with dumb explanations as to why it happened, or perhaps you think it is a sign from God that you better get your shit together.  Well I am writing you to tell you all that you are full of shit.  What really happened was we staged a mass suicide.  That’s right, we off’ed OURSELVES!  Why you may ask?  Well because we are sick and tired of the way we are portrayed.  For years we have scrutinized and mocked because we have small brains and our poop is white.  ‘OOOOOH LET’S MAKE A GIANT YELLOW BIRD WHO IS 11 FEET TALL, CAN TALK, LOVES KIDS, AND POOPS NORMAL COLORS!’  Way to go Sesame Street!  You didn’t think you offended anyone with that now did ya?!?!

Big Bird is a cocksucker!

Or you…you God forsaken computer nerds!  ‘OOOOH, LET’S MAKE A DUMB ASS COMPUTER GAME WHERE BIRDS AND PIGS ARE AT WAR AND PEOPLE CAN JUST SLING SHOT BIRDS INTO THE PIGS AND THE BIRDS CAN DO DIFFERENT THINGS BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL JUST FAT AND STUPID AND FAT ANYWAY!’  That’s right Angry Birds…GO FIST YOURSELF!!!

YOU WANNA KNOW WHO IS ANGRY?!?!?!  Forget it…it’s not worth it anymore.  You’ll see.  I hope you are all happy with yourselves.  It’s time for this sweet prince to say goodbye.  Peace out bitches!

Go fist yourself,

Colonel Tailfeather”

That’s crazy stuff man.  Those birds did have it rough and I never even realized it.  That is why I want to take a moment to tell you that if you or a bird you know is suffering from depression, please take the time to listen and get them some help by contacting C.A.W. or the Center for Air-animals Well-being.  Bird depression is serious, don’t be a jerk.

Alright that’s all I got for today.  Stay tuned as I am going to document my attempt to get a job from the Cleveland Cavaliers by talking like a radio personality.  A haiku….

Windy City fun,
Urkel fucked that city up,
Birds from a feather….

One Love!

SELAH

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Day 305: “Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts…it stays with you forever.”

What up sucka’s?!?!  I hope you guys had a Merry Christmas and I wish you the best in 2011.  This is going to be my last post for the year 2010.  The week between Christmas and New Years is always a weird week for me.  I am always looking for signs and shit like that.  You know what I mean?  Like stupid stuff too….like I have been sick for the last couple of days and I think to myself “that sickness is really all of the bad parts of 2010 trying to leave your body before the new year!”  That’s the gayest shit I ever heard.  I never knew this until a couple of years ago but apparently there are a bunch of superstitions that people practice  on New Year’s Eve to bring in good luck.  Like the one I know of is that its bad luck to eat chicken on New Years day.  I don’t really believe in superstitions and witchcraft, I believe that you make your own luck.  But I’ll tell you what, two years ago I ate chicken on New Year’s Day and it led to the worst year of my life.  All within like a 90 day period my girlfriend broke up with me, I got laid off from my job, and we had to put my dog to sleep.  The breakup and the job thing were bad, but putting my dog to sleep was a giant kick to the balls from Andre the Giant.  Never again will I eat chicken on New Years day.  According to scopes.com, another New Year’s day superstition is that the first person through your door in the new year should be tall, dark haired, and handsome and should bring a present like some salt.  Well sorry folks, but I am going to Chicago to bring in 2011 so I won’t be able to do that…..ZING!!!  Who the hell thinks salt is a present?!?!  If I ever got salt as I present I would throw it in the persons face like those mexican wrestlers do all the time.  GET THAT CORN OUT OF MY FACE!!!

So speaking of Chicago, I have never been but am really excited about the trip.  I really wanna go to the Sears Tower while I am there.  I don’t know why but I have a thing for sky skrapers.  Maybe it’s because they look like giant boners and that makes me laugh.  Anyway, I was looking into how I could get to the top of the building just to see how the view was.  Well apparently they made this whole attraction out of the top floor and they have these glass boxes that stick out from the building like 4 feet!

FUCK THAT NOISE!!!

 Thats some crazy stuff right there!  It would be scary but I would definitely do it.  In fact I would wait until there was a bunch of people on there and start jumping up and down while yelling “EARTHQUAKE TEST!!!”  They say those things can handle like 5 tons of weight, either way I would start freaking out if someone was on that thing with me and they started jumping up and down.

Thats wild!

So I was watching tv the other night and this movie came on and I am not sure what it was but I have been thinking about it ever since and I felt like I should share it with all of you to see if any of you know what it is?  I’m pretty sure it’s a documentary about the history of gingers.  The main character was a ginger and everyone made fun of him and his only friends were blind people…..pretty much the day to day of a regular ginger.  Anyway, it was the funniest movie I have ever seen but I just don’t know what the name of it is.  I did find this picture of it online, someone please help me figure out what it is.

Disgusting...

No matter what 2011 has in store for me, my hatred of gingers will remain the same.  Alright guys thats all I got for today and for 2010.  I hope you guys all have a great new years and I will see you on the other side!  One last haiku for 2010…..

Balls drop Friday night,
Mine dropped 13 years ago.
Happy New Year Chums!

One Love!

SELAH

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Day 292: “I wish I could say I didn’t think it would end this way, but I gotta tell you I always knew it would. Falling to my death, dressed as Abe Lincoln, holding a purple dildo in my hand…….this is how I drew it up.”

I created the following post prior to Cleveland Indians pitcher Bob Feller passing away so I want to take a moment to remember this great man.  As you know I am from Cleveland and am a huge Cleveland Indians fan.  Bob Feller was the best player in the teams long history, hands down.  Not only was he a great player, he was a great man’s man.  I don’t want to get into all of the details of his life, but as you all know by now I am a “no nonsense” kind of guy who doesn’t always agree with the way our society is this days and I think Bob Feller was the same kind of person.  The things Bob Feller did in his life make modern day athletes look like slack jawed panzies, and thats why I loved him.  Peace out Mr. Feller….One Love!

And now on with the show!

How ya’ll doin???  I figured I start the post off with some kick ass punk rock from The Living End today to warm up all of you readers out there.  It’s f-ing cold out huh?!?!  Well I was watching one of my favorite movies from my childhood the other day…Little Giants.

I’m not going to go into a description of the movie because if you haven’t seen it you are not a person in my eyes and you can go fist yourself.  Anyway, I remember hearing something a couple of months ago about how one of the main characters in the movie, Becky “Ice Box” O’Shea has actually made a soft core porno a couple of years ago.  So needless to say, I happily accepted the investigative challenge of finding out what I could.  The first thing I found out is that Ice Box name is Shawna Waldron and she is hot now…like really hot!

Ice Box "before" pic

"Ice Box" new nickname should be "Boner Maker"

The second thing I confirmed is that she was in a movie in 2008 called “Poison Ivy” and it wasn’t necessarily a soft core porno, however there was a very explicit sex scene in the movie.  Using my I-Team skills, I watched the scene just to confirm it was her….and it is!  You can see the clip here and see just how “daddy’s little fullback” grew up and is now taking snaps in her tight end.  She is really picking up the blitz under center if you know what I mean.  The other teams little giants are really plugging her hole on 4th and inches if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.  She played a part as a football player 16 years ago and is now having hot sex on camera is what I’m trying to say.

Anyway, I am completely off topic now.  The reason I brought all of that up is because as I was watching the movie and doing all of that Ice Box research, I thought to myself….what is everyone else from this movie doing?  Where are they now?!?!

Where are the rest of the Little Giants now?

Now I am not going to get into the obvious ones.  For example, Ed O’Neil aka Al Bundy is on this show on ABC.  I have never seen it but I guess it is pretty funny and after hearing that, I will never watch it.  Rick Moranis has been in and out of the biz for the last couple of years, but he is currently filming “Honey I Shrunk the Kid that I Blew Up, So He is Normal Size Now and Everything is Cool” which is due out sometime in Spring 2012. 

Here is a still shot from "Honey I Shrunk the Kid That I Blew Up, So He is Normal Size Now and Everything is Cool." Should be a must see!

We know those guys are doing fine, but what about the kids?  What are they up to you may ask?  Well you all will remember “Spike”, the huge all star pee wee football player who played for Al Bundy’s Cowboys?

"Spike don't play football with girls!" - Spike Hammersmith

Well apparently Spike was asked by the director of the Little Giants to put on 45 lbs of muscle for his role.  Being 12 years old and weighing 85 lbs, the only thing Spike knew that would work was to get on the juice.  As you all know the United States has very lax laws conscerning performance enhancing drug testing for minors.  After the success of the Little Giants, Spike’s head only got bigger.  He continued referring to himself in 3rd person and continued injecting himself with 3 different kinds of anabolic steroids and a low grade horse tranquilizer.  When he was 17 he got into the roller derby scene and quickly became the sports most dominating “jammer”.

"BIGGER FASTER STRONGER AHHHHHHHH!!!! THIS IS HOW I MOW MY LAWN MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!"

Unfortunately, Spike was eventually caught with his steroids and received a lifetime ban from the Roller Derby World Federation.  Word on the streets is that he is currently working on a book called “Spike Don’t Get Why Steroids Are Illegal” but is still in the business of distributing steroids. 

Everyone remembers Ice Box’s crush in the movie, Junior Floyd aka Junior.

Junior Floyd ladies and gentleman

Everyone remembers how all of the girls loved Junior!  He was the star quarterback, he had dreamy blue eyes, and he was just a care free spirit.  That is why everyone was shocked to hear after the movie was finished that Junior had developed a relationship with this fellow cast member….

Jake Berman ladies and gentleman

Others on set were absolutely shocked at the news.  Rick Moranis was quoted as saying “HOLY FUCKING SHIT!”.  Needless to say, the couple was happy and remain life partners to this day.  The couple moved to Santa Monica, CA and are die hard fans of the Austin Powers movie series.  In fact, in 2006 they opened up a flower shop in Santa Monica called “Austin Flowers” that sells only Austin Powers themed bouquets.  The shop was so fucking stupid that it closed 3 months later and the twos whereabouts are unknown as of today.

Rudy Zolteck was best remembered as the chubby lineman who loved cheetos and ripping farts in the huddle (its latin for circle!). 

Rudy Zolteck ladies and gentleman

Rudy Zolteck was up for the role of Goldberg in the Mighty Ducks but lost out because he wasn’t jewish enough.  He took the news hard and was determined to change his life.  He decided to get gastric bypass surgery at the age of 15.  At 17, he weighed 90 lbs and began traveling across the country doing motivational speeches. 

"YYYYOOOOUUUUU RRRRAAAANNNNGGGGGG?!?!" - Rudy Zolteck. Zolteck is still touring the country and you can catch his seminar, "The Little Giant Inside Me" coming to a convocation center near you.

 He was making $30,000 per appearance but was disappointed that the people attending his seminars were only there to hear him say “YYYOOOOUUUUUU RRRAAANNNNGGGGGG????”  He is rich as hell today and splits his time between his houses in Milan, Barcelona, and New York.  He does still rip horrific farts and is still single.

Johnny Venaro was probably the one character in the Little Giants that really wrenched everybody’s hearts.  Johnny was the kid who was a mediocre football player, but he wanted his dad to see him score a touchdown more than anything else in the world which was hard because his dad was always away on business, also known as his dad was cheating on his mom. 

Johnny Vennaro ladies and gentleman

 On the set, Johnny was a prick.  Everybody hated him.  Apparently he pissed in Al Bundy’s machioto one day.  He would constantly snap Ice Box’s bra strap, and he gave Rick Moranis a wedgie every 15 minutes.  On screen Johnny was shy, quiet, and lovable.  The director was sick and tired of everyone complaining to him about Johnny.  That is why the director made him do his own stunt on the kickoff of the big game.  As you recall, Johnny was kicked square in the penis and was “holding a pound of Aunt Betty’s nut-butter” as the announcer so kindly put it.  Well a lot of people don’t realize that really happened!  At the last minute, the director pulled the stuntman and told the kicker to “end his (Johnny) career”.  Well that is exactly what happened.  Johnny actually had to have both of his testicles removed after that stunt the director pulled.  Being 11 years old, Johnny was devastated by the constant ridicule he received.  His life was spinning out of control before he reached high school.  In a desperation act, Johnny sued the shit out of Warner Bros. who distributed the movie.  After a long, drawn out trial, the court awarded Johnny $10 million dollars for physical and emotional distress.  Johnny was thrilled and with his winnings, he purchased a set of gold testicles……

AND controlling stock in the restaurant chain Planet Hollywood.  Johnny got his confidence back, however that dickhead couldn’t run a restaurant for shit and as you all know Planet Hollywood’s went out of business like 50 years ago.  Johnny is homeless these days living on the streets of Chicago.  All he has left is his Planet Hollywood hat, his Planet Hollywood letterman’s jacket, a signed picture of Bruce Willis in Die Hard, and his gold balls. 

What's your dad think of you now Johnny???

Everyone remembers the kid who came up with the “Annexation of Puerto Rico”.  Well he found his calling with analyzing football and grew up to become John Clayton, NFL Football analyst for ESPN.

Of course that’s not the entire cast, but I am still working on investigating the other members.  I will keep you posted with what I find in the future.  That’s all folks.  My butt itches so I’m gonna go drag my ass on the carpet to try and make it stop.  I’m gonna try to get at least one more post in before Christmas so stay tuned!  I leave you with a haiku….

Ice Box doin porn,
Spikes last name is Hammersmith.
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One Love!

SELAH

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Day 291: “Say a couple of punk kids go out into the woods and strap a bullet proof vest onto a grizzly bear. Then what do you got??? INVINCIBLE BEARS!!! Then they start going around and raping your churches, burning your women! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!?!”

What up motha sucka’s?!?!  I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and are looking forward to a glorious Christmas/White Kwanzaa.  Today’s music video comes from the beautiful Katy Perry.  Mrs. Russell Brand has quickly moved into #1 on my list of sexiest celebrities.  Tuley and I are also quite fond of her Proactiv commercials.  What I wouldn’t do to be one of those zit’s on her face…..oh man!!!

Sexiest pimples in show business!!!

Anyway, today I want to start a new segment called “Profiles in Underrated Excellence”.  I want to kick the segment off by profiling one of the greatest sport figures in the last several decades.  If I had to choose one word to describe this individual it would be “tenacious”.  The energy that he brought to his profession week in and week out may never be matched again in history.  Some have described him as “best ever”, “an all american hero”, and even “a penis with a man hanging off of him”.  I describe him as a true American.  I’m talking about none other then former WCW referee Nick Patrick.

Today we salute your underrated excellence Nick Patrick! Nice shades!

Nick was born into a poor black family in Anchorage, Alaska in 1955.  His father, Nick Sr.,  made a living driving around the country selling those “male/female” bathroom stick figures to restaurants and business all over. 

"You're welcome!" - Nick Sr.

 His mother, Svetlana, worked with local hunters and wildlife rangers in tracking and catching bears.  Although her methods of catching bears was unorthodox (she used herself as bait), she quickly became famous in the area for her ability to rope the biggest and baddest bears.

Above is a picture of Nick's mothers most famous move, none other than the "let the bear rip your arm off as he tries to drown you" move. Over the years she perfected this move and her methods quickly spread west to Russia.

Nick hardly ever saw his father as he was on the road 400 days a year.  So he became very attached to his mother.  At a young age, Nick made the decision that he would follow in his mothers footsteps and also get into the bear trapping industry. Using his mothers tactics, he started trapping at the age of 6, and was pretty unsuccessful at first.

"Ahhhh! Ahhhhhhh! AHHHHHH!!!"

Well one day, when Nick was about 15 years old, the unthinkable happened.  Svetlana and Nick were trapping bears in the forest.  Nick noticed a bear wearing a bikini winking at him in the distance.  Being smack dab in the middle of puberty, Nick went over to spit game at the bear.  While this was going on, a cage suddenly lowered from the trees trapping Svetlana inside with a giant Alaskan Grizzly who snuck up behind Svetlana and hit her over the head with a folding chair.  The same bear then climbed to the top of a small nearby oak tree and delivered a leg drop from the top branch, severing Svetlana’s spine immediately. 

She was killed instantly, and the bear in the bikini ran away from Nick right away.  When Nick turned around, he saw his mother laying lifeless on the ground in the middle of a freaking cage in the middle of the woods.  Nick blamed himself entirely.  He was sure that his mother could have taken the bear if it was a fair fight, he had seen it a million times before.  From that day forward, Nick vowed to be a beacon of fairness.  He was going to stand up for a fair fight no matter what.  He was going to become a professional wrestling referee. 

As you all know, “it’s a long way to the top if you wanna rock and roll”.  Nick didn’t start out at the top of the professional wrestling chain.  After he left Alaska, he headed to Mexico, Japan, Panama, and Thailand to referee.  He finally got his big break with the WCW in 1992.  Nick quickly became known as one of the best referee’s in the business as he was not susceptable to being fooled by the ringside beauties or the other intentional distractions.  Nick was one undoubtedly one of the best ever, and that is why I salute his underrated excellence!  Thank you Nick!

Nick Patrick ladies and gentleman!

(Follow up):  Apparently Nick Patrick was laid off by the WWE in 2008 due to the struggling economy (I feel for you Nick).  His current whereabouts are unknown, but when last heard from he was addicted to children’s tylenol and asian transvestites.  He had taken up the hobby of photography, unfortunately it was taking pictures of women while they went pee.  Nick has several warrants for his arrest for charges including abuse of a corpse, possession of illegal sex equipment, and unlawful digital penetration of a goat.  If you have seen or heard from Nick, please contact your local authorities immediately.

Alright guys thats all I got for today.  If you have any recommendations for who should be the next “Profile in Underrated Excellence”, feel free to post it in the comments section with a brief explanation as to why you feel that person should be considered.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go watch the “16 and Pregnant” marathon on MTV for the rest of the day…..I mean I’m going to look for a job.  A haiku……

Nick Patrick hates bears,
They can smell the menstration.
HE can smell cheating.

One Love!

SELAH

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