“Somewhere out there is a man who has jerked-off more than anybody else in the world…”

HELLLLLOOOOO!!!!  How is everyone?!  This is my first post in a little over a week.  I had to house sit for my parents who were out of town.  I had to watch their stupid animals.  Some of you old school followers of the blog may remember Lyla who was a big component of my early posts.  She was a huge pain in the ass, but she is all grown up now and not so much of an ass hat, but they got another dog that is the fattest most annoying beagle in the world.  I’ve always loved dogs, but that bastard is really making me start to question my stance on that.

Free Beagle! Just bring your own forklift to get her out of the house!

Anyway, when she would wake me up at 4am to go outside and bark at a tree for an hour, this song by Metz was playing in my head, and thus….that is todays song!  These guys go so fuggin hard and are coming to Cleveland in mid-April.  So if you feel like getting your face melted off and then your bare skull smashed with a sledge hammer, you should totally check em out!  The first time I heard this song I was at work, and hand to God I thought about head butting every single one of my co-workers.  I work in a medium sized office with maybe 30 other people, give or take.  I really started planning this out going over things like “do I have the stamina to headbutt 30 people in a row?”  “Who do I think has the hardest head?  And should I start with them first then work my way down to the co-workers that I suspect have softer skulls?”  “Could I get away with it without anyone knowing that I just headbutted them, and/or another co-worker of theirs?”  I didnt do it, but you could totally imagine what it would be like if I did!

Mmm hmmm!

So I cant stop thinking about all of the things I did since I really kind of stopped blogging a few years ago.  I think one of the biggest things I did that a lot of you might appreciate is start a podcast.  A good friend of mine and I decided one night that we were really good at talking about obscure nonsense for a long time.  We thought we were pretty funny and could do a good job of filling some air time with our thoughts, stories, opinions, jokes, etc.  So we went out and bought all of the recording equipment.  We went all out.  Mixers, microphones, sound cancelling table cloths, nice headphones, some decent rolling chairs for our “guests”.  We created all of the social media pages, handles, emails, etc.  We were on top of this!!! This was a hard core operation we were undertaking.  So the last thing we needed was a name.  What would we call our podcast?  It had to be something catchy, something that all of the kids would remember and talk about in school, and hanging out at the diner.  “What is something that would go good on a t-shirt, or better yet a billboard!” is what we asked ourselves.  Well the name we came up with was “The Brony State”.  It was perfect!  My name is Bryan, his name is Tony.  Mash those two together and you get “Brony”.  Oh man it was genius!  We were going to be famous!  We were going to get laid so hard it was going to be awesome!  We were finally ready to start podcasting!

It started out great!  Our radio chemistry was on point and we really had some great content to put out there.  But then…..well then the creepy emails and messages started rolling in.  We couldnt figure out what type of people were listening to our show, but we were getting some really really weird followers.

I’ll never forget where I was the night that Tony broke the news to me.  He said, “hey dude…..do you know what a ‘Brony’ is?”  And my dumb ass said “that’s what we’re going to call our followers AMIRIGHT?!”  And he goes “no dude…Brony’s are guys that are really really really into My Little Ponies” and I go “you mean the cartoon about tiny little ponies?!  Isnt that for little girls?”  and he goes “well yeah, but I guess there is an entire subculture of dudes that really get into that show called Brony’s”.  Well long story short, things got weird from that point on.  Our whole existence was a lie.  I couldnt focus knowing that we literally created a podcast that the common man would think was only geared towards Brony’s and the My Little Pony series.  Things kind of fizzled out after that.  I mean we kept doing the podcast and it was a lot of fun.  It’s still out there on the interwebs if you’re looking for something to listen to in the car or at work.  We still always talk about starting it up again but it was pretty time consuming, plus there’s the fact that we have Brony’s spamming us non stop…..so there’s that.

The part that really chaps my ass is that I’m a very thorough person.  I usually always make sure all my T’s are crossed and I’s are dotted, so I dont know how I missed this one.  I mean….all I had to do was a simple google search for the word Brony, and this is literally the first image that comes up.

I’m not lying…the very first Google image. Try it out. Let me know what you find.

I mean, dont get me wrong, I’m all about people doing what makes them happy.  You want to be into My Little Ponies?  God Bless you!  Give it hell!  More power to you.  Butttttttt I definitely would have rethought our name having seen this if all I did was freaking Google the name first.  That’s the moral of the story kids…….always do a Google search.  For everything.

This is Philip from Wichita, Kansas. He was our biggest fan. WHAT UP PHILIP?! YOU DOIN GOOD? DID YOU GET THE CHRISTMAS CARD I SENT YOU???

So I mentioned in one of my more recent posts that I turned 30 not too long ago.  It’s pretty crazy.  I definitely feel older which has never really happened to me up to this point in my life.  Age was always just a number, but the big 3-0 hit me hard for some reason.  I find myself doing weird stuff too.  Like old man stuff.  Like I recently got into Werther’s butterscotch candies…..like overnight too.  One day you’re 29 and you can’t stand those butterscotch candies, next day you’re 30 and you’re thinking about stealing them from CVS just to get your fix.  I’ve been thinking about getting a pair of suspenders.  I mean belts are great and all…..but do you really get the kind of support a grown ass man needs?  I feel like you do with suspenders!  And I think I want some!  Moth balls have been on my mind a lot lately.  I lay in bed looking into my dark closet and I think to myself “how the hell are my clothes going to stay protected from those devil creature’s known as moth’s?!  I need to protect my clothes dammit!”

30 or not, this kind of shit will always be funny to me. I love the noise the moth is making too! “GNNNNNNNNN”, that is totally the noise I would make hahahahahaha!

One of my biggest concerns with turning 30, is when is it ok to start calling girls creepy old man terms like “sweetheart” or “honey” or “baby doll” or “sugar lips” or “angel face” or “cutie pie” or “jelly bean” or “punkin”.  I have a lot of friends that are getting married, or in serious long term relationships and I feel like calling their girlfriends “dude” or “homie” might be a little inappropriate.  I dont know maybe I’m way off base here, but for whatever reason using those terms when talking to a friends girlfriend just doesnt seem right.  I mean I almost let one of these slip a few weeks ago when I ran into a friend and his wife and the grocery store.  I was so disappointed in myself after the encounter.  Like I was thinking to myself “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  YOU ALMOST CALLED YOUR FRIENDS WIFE SWEETHEART!!!  YOU’RE SOOO OLD!!!  STOP BEING OLD!!!!”.  But I wanted to open up to all of you.  Is 30 to young to start using creepy old man nicknames like that?  I’m so torn right now.  I need your help!

This fuggin guy and his diabeetus, haha!

Alright you all….I’m calling it.  St Patricks day is upon us!  Spring starts in a few days, and Rod Stewart Day is this Saturday (more on that later)! It’s a very exciting week!  Everyone have fun and stay safe.  I leave you all with a haiku…

Headbuttin for dayz
I’m real big with the Brony’s
Hey there cutie pie!

One Love!

“You know the saying….a girl can’t stay hot forever, but she can stay crazy forever…”

Hello my readers from other breeders!!!  Hahaha I just came up with that one!  Hope all is well out there in the interwebs.  I stumbled upon this gem of a quote I used for my post title a couple of weeks back and I thought it fit in perfect with this fantastic song by Vancouver’s own Japandroids titled “Crazy/Forever”.  For only being a 2 man band, those goofy Canadians sure can bring the rock pretty hard.

I’ve been grinning ear to ear since I made my return to the blogging game last Saturday.  In a way, I kind of felt like Lebron when he announced he was coming back to Cleveland.  I knew deep down in the bottom of my heart that it was a move I wanted to make a long time ago.  Then when the timing was just right, BOO BAM!  Can I just say how friggin awesome that was when Lebron announced he was coming back to the CLE?!  It’s one of those things I dont know if I’ll ever forget.  And I know that might sound stupid to a lot of people, but I think that is what makes Clevelanders so great!  This is one of the hottest cities in the entire world right now and everyone wants a piece of it!  I never thought I’d ever say that!  But here I am sitting in my underwear blogging to you from the epicenter of the entire universe.  Cleveland fucking Ohio!  I mean I felt like I get back into the game when my city is at it’s peak!

I mean the last year has really seemed like such a whirlwind with all of the cool shit happening at the “Mistake by the M-Lake” aka Cleveland.  I mean, we just had our first Comic Con!  You know you’re a cool city when nerds from every corner of the Earth come to your city to dress up like super heroes and not get an atomic wedgie because of it.  WE JUST FUCKING DID THAT CLEVELAND!!!

THESE 2 WERE TOTALLY READY FOR COMIC CON CLEVELAND!!!  STRAIGHT OUTTA PAINESVILLE!!!

Next year, Cleveland is hosting the Republican National Convention.  Every 4 years, cities all over the country fight and claw to get the opportunity to host a party convention.  What a strategic move by the GOP!  Choosing a city that has been primarily a democratic region in one of the biggest swing states year in and year out!  But more importantly…think of all the strippers and hookers that are going to here then!!!  That will be worth the trip alone!  Strippers and hookers for as far as the eye can see!  Early estimates have the income from the sex industry alone will top $9 billion dollars that week.  Johnny Manziel’s definitely getting arrested that weekend!

“WELCOME TO CLEVELAND MR. JEB BUSH! HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN A CLEVELAND STEAMER FROM A CLASSY LADY BEFORE? WANT ONEEEE?  I’LL MAKE YOU THE MAYOR OF TITTY CITY IF YOU WANT!”

Cleveland really flexed it’s cultural muscle last summer when it was the host of the 9th ever Gay Games.  It joined the company of some of the greatest cities in the world including Paris, Chicago, Amsterdam, and New York by becoming a host city for homosexual athletes from all over the world.  I mean how many other cities can say they’ve hosted the international Gay Games, AND a Republican National Convention before?  I mean, I feel like a lot of heads would ‘splode down south if they hosted any type of gay game, but maybe I’m wrong.   Either way I think it’s pretty impressive that my city can pull off such a feat!

Pictured above: Blyman and Garfunkel stole the show in the ice dancing competition at the 2014 Gay Games hosted in the city of Cleveland, OH. Their famous routine “Eww eww, there’s a spider, kill it” gave them a perfect score of 10.

And as far as the food and beverage scene goes….well let’s just say it’s been business as usual here in the CLE!  Michael Symon will be opening his 900th restaurant downtown tomorrow, and it seems like a new brewery is popping up on every street corner around this place!  It seems like every other day, some pedestrian is getting hit by a food truck speeding to the next hot spot downtown.  I’m not complaining!  I love to eat and I certainly love to drink.  The best part is that you need to refinance your house to eat or go out for a drink at most of these places!  That’s called class haters!  Get used to it, cause Cleveland ain’t going nowhere!

This March, Michael Symon opens his 900th restaurant called “Gordita-Lita” in the heart of E. 3rd street (we ran out of room on E. 4th). Be sure to try his signature “Hotdog-pus and shells and cheese” for $49.99.

Yummmm!!!  Can’t wait!  In all seriousness though, I’ve been back in Cleveland for about 3 years now and it truly is better than I can ever remember it, and I spent the first 25 years of my life here.  It’s simple, but genuine.  It’s blue collar, but relaxed.  But more importantly, it’s fun and now I feel like a lot of people that arent from Ohio are realizing that.  That makes me happy.  Hopefully we can show them all a nice time while they’re passing through.  More importantly, hopefully we can keep this momentum going and keep this place special for a long time to come.

This reminds me of those old Motel 6 commercials where that creepy guy would say, “Motel 6…we’ll leave the light on for ya.”  Well I am giving this one to all of those Cleveland marketing companies out there!  YOU’RE WELCOME!

Alright, that’s all I got for tonight.  I’m house sitting for the next 8 days so I’ll try to post a few times if possible but no promises.  Your boi will have a lot of running around to do but I’ll be thinking of ya!  Hope you all have a nice weekend, dont forget to move your clocks ahead an hour on Saturday night, and change those God damn batteries in your smoke alarms for crying out loud.  I leave you all with a haiku…

Grover Cleveland’s proud
His city, is the titties
Still cold as balls though…

One Love!

Day “who the fuck even knows anymore?”

 

WHATS CRAPPENING INTERWEBS?!?! I just wanted to take a quick second to say I recently remembered that I had this amazing blog that I started about 5 or 6 years ago that I havent touched in like 3 years. I had so much fun writing and sharing my thoughts and opinions with all of you, that I’m thinking about dusting off this old gem and getting back into it!

A lot has changed since my last post! Just taking a quick glimpse at it, apparently we got Osama Bin Laden!!! Well that’s fantastic!!! Sadaam Hussein better watch his ass! He’s next! (gets handed a news update from my non-existent producer)….DISREGARD! SADAAM IS DEAD TOO! ALL IS WELL IN THE WORLD!!!

Anyway, since my last post, I’ve moved back to God’s Country aka the west side of Cleveland, OH. Cincinnati was alright, but some birds arent meant to be caged in Northern Kentucky if you catch my drift. Life is guuud right now! I recently turned 30 which was fucking weird as hell but other than that I’m doing great.  I woke up on my 30th birthday and it hit me like a truck….I’m getting fucking old!!!  Age was always just a number to me and I’ve always felt like I’ve lived a fulfilling life.  Like…I didnt wake up on my 30th birthday and not know where the time went.  I vaguely remember a lot of shit from my entire life and how long ago it all seems.  Which is why I was shocked when I woke up and freaked out.  I’m ok now though…I think, haha!  A lot of people thought I died which is not the case as far as I know. I appreciated all of the concerning emails I received, such as the following from IDreamofWeenie all the way back in August of 2011:

“Dear Employee of the Month,

Did you choke on a dick and die yet? I really hope you did. That would be great.

Fuck off.

Sincerely,

IDreamofWeenie”

Thanks for the email! I appreciate your readership! I’m still alive and kicking! To be honest I really forgot why I ever got away from this blog. I truly enjoyed all of my experiences with it and I enjoyed all of the comments and interaction with you, the readers! The older I get, the more obligations I have towards other stupid things like work, taxes, trying to get laid, you know….the usual stuff that 30 year old dudes who are losing their hair have to worry about. Well this blog was always a way to forget about that for a while and I’m planning on coming back full steam ahead!

My guess is that I’ll only be able to get 1 to 3 posts out any given week. But that is better than nothing for like 9 years or however long all of you poor souls had to go without this incredible bowl of mind knowledge I fed you almost daily! At this moment, Cleveland has consistently been one of the coldest spots on planet Earth so I’m sure if it stays that way for the next few weeks, I’ll be able to drop serious knowledge on you cats more often than not. As that weather gets nicer though, I’ll be out and about soaking up as much sunlight as possible so it’s really hard to say how this thing is going to shake down in the upcoming months.  But I’m here to tell you that I’m officially unretiring and getting back in the game.

I’m thinking the format will pretty much stay the same as before. Just me spitting bullshit out of my fingertips. I lost count to how many days I had the counter going for my posts titles so I’m going to get rid of that. I’ll try and come up with a witty title for each post but no promises!

Well I think that’s all I got for now. Stay tuned and I’ll try to start posting more and more!

Take it sleezy!

One Love!

Day 434: “Son of a bitch……” – Osama Bin Laden

“WE’RE ALL SOMEONES DAUGHTER!!!!!!  WE’RE ALL SOMEONES SONNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!”  What up wanksters?!?!  It’s your boy coming to you live from Cincinnati, OH.  That’s right, my first ever post from Cinci-nasty.  If you recall, I mentioned I got a job down here and I have spent the last several weeks making the transition from Cleveland.  Actuallly, that is all a lie.  I actually became homeless from being out of a job pretty much for the last 2 years so I decided to move to a warmer climate that was somewhat close to home.  Haha, I keed, I really did get a job down here.  Everything is going well with the new job and I am finally settled in to my apartment.  I have all of my imaginary furniture right where I want it and I must say the funk-chewy is phenomenal in here!  See for yourself!

This room really oozes with personality!

It’s not really that bad, my roommate will be moving in next week sometime and he has a bunch of furniture so my place won’t look like Osama Bin Laden’s compound for too much longer.  Speaking of which, HOW AWESOME IS THAT SHIT!!!!  I must say I have been absolutely enthralled with all of the coverage of his assassination since it happened.  I mean, the story about the commandos flying in in the middle of a full moon night and clearing that house and popping that prick in the head twice and then having to blow up their own helicopter so those Pakistani’s didn’t get it.  Listening to this is like hearing the trailer for the greatest action movie in the history of mankind.  I’m picturing Bruce Willis in Die Hard, Sylvestor Stallone in Rambo, Arnold in the Terminator 2, Matt Damon in the Bourne movies, Hulk Hogan, and any other bad ass motherfucker in the history of mankind to make up the cast for this potential movie.  Like if Hollywood could have a Jesus Christ baby that they created for all of mankind and who would die for their sins and live on in the hearts and minds of everyone for ever and ever, then the movie about Osama Bin Laden’s death would have to be that Jesus Christ movie.  I pray that they make that movie and that they don’t fuck it up which would be hard to do.  This event was so action packed, stealthy, and awesome and it stirred up emotions, good and/or bad, in every single American that they cannot half ass this!  Like they need to get Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Quintin Tarantino, and Robert Rodriguez need to get together, get all liquored up on scotch and fine wines, have a big sex picnic and give birth to this movie.  It needs to be epic, just like the true events that inspired it…….make this happen Hollywood, and don’t let us down!

I'll give you a head start, your movie will be called "Seal Team Six" and this picture will be your movie poster. Your move Spielberg!

And I want to give mad props to Barack Obama and the entire U.S. military.  Those guys are the freaking tits right now and with the death of Bin Laden, I think Obama pretty much locked up his 2nd term as president.  Anyway, he really is on top of the world now.  Last week at this time, the only stories in the news was the royal wedding and Donald Trump calling Obama out on his birth certificate.  People all over the world were like “Oh Barack Obama didn’t get invited to that dumb ass royal wedding” and “he won’t be able to go to the reception and eat hard boiled quail eggs and medium rare blood sausage and figgy pudding.”  Then there were other people who were like “Ohhh Obama wasn’t born here!  He was born in that polynesian country of Hawaii and needs to be deported!”  Then he drops this Bin Laden spot on us and just gives a big middle finger to the whole world.  I’m sure right after he left the podium he cracked open a Old English 40 and banged the hell out of Michelle Obama…..without a rubber!

"...I got that mother fucker Shelly....now lets play 'find the sausage."

Ohhhh boy…..that’s awesome.  Alright well I’m gonna get going.  The Kentucky Derby is on in a little bit and I wanna get dressed up in my home made jockey uniform and get sour on some Mint Julips, or just pound some Kentucky bourbon.  If any of my fans in the Cincinnati area want to meet up while I am living down here, don’t email me because I don’t hang out with psychos.  I leave you with a haiku….

In the ‘Natty’ now.
Gonna get this town pregnant,
In my jockey clothes.

One Love!

SELAH

Day 409: “Everyday’s a workout when you gotta carry around a 20 lb python in your jeans.” – MacGruber

WHAT UP HATERS?!?!?!  How are you???  😉 >winky face<.  BOOM!!!  Your boy just got a new job and I’M PUMPED!!!  It’s a sales/account manager type position with a very successful company and I’m gonna be famous one day, you’ll see!  I’ve never done sales before but I’ve always been told I could sell a ketchup popsicle to a lady wearing white gloves.  I saw Drew Carey the other day and he told me I could sell a block of ice to a bare ass Eskimo.  The only downside is that I have to move to Cincinnati for at least a year right in the middle of my Cleveland Indians getting off to one of the hottest starts in team history.  Either way, IT’S FUCKING ON!!!!!!

"...it's gotta be YOUR bull...."

If I move away and the Indians win a World Series I’m going to flip out.  Anyway, in my fit of happiness today I came up with a really great idea for a movie.  You see I hate Robin Williams because for whatever reason he is so god damn hairy and I can’t stand when I see him in real life and he is just jumping off the walls.  I’ll watch him make an appearance on Conan or what have you and after 5 minutes I am yelling at my tv for someone to just slap the hell out of that man and tell him to calm down.  How that man did not get beat to death as a child by his parents/any other person who may have come across him is a miracle if you ask me.  However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I am a big fan of the movie Mrs. Doubtfire.  That movie came out when I was fairly young and as far as I can remember was my first encounter with transvestites.  Well I was thinking to myself today, why doesn’t Hollywood make a movie called Mr. Doubtfire which will be just like Mrs. Doubtfire but the other way around.  Instead of the dad trying to get closer to his kids, it will be like a meth addict mom trying to get back to her kids by dressing up like a man and pretending to be a nanny or maid or whatever, but she will be smoking meth the whole time too.  I know the economy is still pretty fragile so you could save a lot of money with special effects and make up and just hire Rosie O’Donnell to play the mom/tranny dad.

The lovely Rosie O'Donnelly ladies and gentleman!

Oh man now that shit would sell!  “What would you do to see your kids and you were addicted to meth?  For Rosie O’Donnell, the answer was simple…dress up as a man and pretend to be a nanny.  This summer >BOOM BOOM<, Rosie O’Donnell >BOOM BOOM<, in….MR. DOUBTFIRE!”

 

Mr. Doubtfire movie poster. Quick shout out to google images for providing me with this spectacular picture!

 

I’ve been going on a lot of walks lately since the weather has been a little nicer.  I don’t walk anywhere in particular, I just put my headphones in and wander.  I like to people watch and I always see some pretty interesting people on my walks.  Well the other day I thought to myself….what if some dude who just woke up from a 20 year coma ran into you on the street.  Like he thought it was 1991 and had no idea that things had changed.  Like he saw a billboard with Barack Obama on it and started freaking out demanding to know where George Bush was.  He was just flipping out refusing to listen to anyone.  Or he decides to go to a Browns game one Sunday in the fall and he thinks that the stadium is a UFO because they tore the old one down and built a new one in the same location.  Once he did get into the game he stands up after the first play of the game and is livid that Bernie Kosar is not starting.  He starts throwing his beer and punching kids in the head all while chanting “BERNIE, BERNIE, BERNIE!”  He decides he needs to get some gas in his 1991 Buick Regal and goes to a gas station with $10 in his hands so he can fill his car up, then he has a heart attack when he sees his $10 only got him 2.5 gallons of gas.  He walks into a record store and is pissed that Nirvana hasn’t come out with a new cd in a while.  Man….it would be crazy for that guy but I would love to run into someone like that and just follow them around and see how insane they go when they see that things have changed and they don’t understand why.  This reminds me of a skit from the Whitest Kids U Know….

“HEY DUM DUM, WE AIN’T IN NO GIANT TEA CUP!!!  IT’S THE OCEAN!!!” Hahahaha.  Ohhh that is a situation I would love to be in one time in my life.  Alright well I gotta get going.  I am heading to Wilmington, NC until Monday so if you are in the area and want to meet up for tea and scrumpets then send me an email.  I got a busy couple of weeks coming up with the move to Cincinnati and all, but I will holler at you as soon as I can.  Until then, a haiku….

I AM BACK, JOB TIME!
They say ‘third time is a charm’,
Cincy, here I come!

One Love!

SELAH

Day 403: “Who do you think would win in a fight between a grilled cheese sandwich, and a taco?”

WHAT UP ENGLISH?!?!?!?!?!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH >RAGE SCREAM<!!!!!!!!!  THE KID IS BACK!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  Spring is in the air, opening day was last week, Wrestlemania was on Sunday, and March Madness just ended (and I finished in 2nd place out of 4 people who filled out a women’s bracket on ESPN.com.  I’m coming for you next year LPGAfanatic47!!!).  Needless to say I have been walking around with a mega huge boner for the last week and a half and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.  If you’re not impressed with my Wranglers, just know that I AM A GROWER, NOT A SHOW-ER!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

THIS GUYS EXCITED!!!!

If you read my last post you know that I had to head out west to Phoenix, AZ for some part time work.  Well I got back a couple of weeks ago and it was a blast.  If you are from the midwest and have never been to Phoenix, just know that it is a lot like Cleveland, but the exact opposite, and a lot closer to Mexico.  I went from 30 degree weather and snow to flip flops, sunshine, and 90 degree taint sweat inducing heat.  I loved it!  We almost died a couple of times on the drive out there when the tires on our vehicle would mysteriously blow out and we would lose all control of the van and scream down the highway in a 85 mph torpedo.  Other than that it was really fun!  If you ever get the chance to drive across the country like that, DO IT!  I had never been west of the Mississippi river.  You see I watched that movie “The Hills Have Eyes” a couple years back and was convinced that everyone west of the Mississippi was a flesh starving mutant who enjoyed rape.  I swore I would never travel out west until I found out that that movie was not in fact based on a true story.  Then I also saw “The Hills Have Thighs” on Cinemax a couple of weeks ago so that made everything peachy.

It was a soft core porno is what I'm trying to say.

Anywho, it was really great getting to see this beautiful country we live in…..except for Oklahoma and north Texas, that part of the trip blew.  Oklahoma is completely ass backwards in everything it does, and north Texas was nice if you like not seeing a damn thing and a strong odor of cow shit for 4 hours.  The rest of the trip was really quite beautiful.  The landscape in New Mexico and Arizona was remarkable.  This might make me sound like a huge douche but the rock formations out there are unlike anything I have ever seen before.  And if you think I am a douche for saying that then FUCK YOU!

We don't have views like this in Cleveland. Unless you want to see a real nice dead fish in the river or pubic lice everywhere, you have to go out west to get a view like this.

I was in Phoenix for St. Patrick’s day which was kind of weird considering I am used to St. Patty’s day being cold with a 90% chance of rain/snow.  This year I was able to go see my Indians play a spring training game (and give up a fucking triple to Dontrelle Willis….the pitcher), and then I met up with a friend of mine who lives out there now.  This friend suggested we go to Scottsdale for the evening so I agreed.  Scottsdale was a really cool place.  We hung out in this neighborhood called “Old Town” because which had a wide range of bars and nice restaurants.  I think they call it “Old Town” because it was the place where “Old Spice” was invented.  Well the weather was so nice we decided to walk around the town and check out all of the drunk Arizonians in their green attire.  I later found out that Old Town is right near where the defending World Series Champions the San Francisco Giants play their spring training games.  So we saw a lot of their fans out and about drinking green beer and talking about how they saw Barry Bonds inject shark adrenaline into his b-hole.  Well we stopped at this bar called “R n R” or some noise like that, I am not exactly sure what the bar was called but it was cool.  It was like a two story bar that was for the most part open aired.  You could look out from all sides and yell stuff at the passerby’s.  My friend suggested we go upstairs to check out the scenery.  Well wouldn’t you know the first person I see when I walk in is none other than “The Freak”.  That’s right ladies and gentleman…Tim Lincecum himself is sitting at a table right by the door!

The Freak!

I wish I could say I sat down with Tim and had a beer or two, then he agreed to take a picture with us and sign autographs for our non existent children and then give us some complimentary seats behind home plate for opening day, but none of that happened.  Instead, Tim Lincecum gave myself and my friends the death stare for the next 30 minutes until he left.  The mean mug he was giving us would have made you think that one of us farted in his face or something.  As far as I know, that has never happened.  It was still really cool seeing him though!  I have seen other celebrities and professional athletes before but never any on the same level as Tim Lincecum.  Living in Cleveland I see Drew Carey and Phil Donahue literally every single day.  For instance, I saw Drew Carey leaving a Chuck-E-Cheese yesterday and Mr. Donahue was working his 2nd job as a baker at a Giant Eagle by my house.  Tuley saw Steven King once at a gas station and after he made eye contact with him, he lost 180 lbs that night.  I am usually pretty confident when it comes to meeting celebrities but I felt like a 13 year old Justin Bieber fan that night.  It was so awesome and exciting I almost jizzed in my pants at the bar.  Thinking back on it that probably would have been really weird…for Tim Lincecum, not for me.

So Wrestlemania was this past Sunday and YOU KNOW I ORDERED THAT SHIT!!  Actually a couple of my friends ordered it and had a little watch party.  And by watch party I mean we gave each other figure 4 leg locks, elbow drops, and folding chairs to the back.  I hadn’t watched wrestling in a couple of years but when I was younger I used to go ape shit over that stuff!  I had the t-shirts and the action figures and the tombstone pile drivers I used to hand out for free to my younger sister and any other “jambroni” that wanted one in my neighborhood.  So I was pretty anxious to see how it had changed.  I was suprised to see a lot of the same wrestler’s were in the WWE and was even more suprised to see that “The Miz”, a Cleveland native was the World Champion.  I mean…here I’ve been thinking that we hadn’t won anything as a city since 1948 and The Miz has been walking around with the belt for God only knows how long?!?!  IT’S OVER, WE DID IT!!!!!!!!

OH GOD! WE DID IT!!! THE DROUGHT IS OVER!!!!

Fuck that noise…but the reason I bring up this Wrestlemania speak is because I saw my favorite wrestler of all time who I never even knew existed until this past weekend.  His name is Santino Marella, and I am here today to announce that he has immediately become the official WWe superstar of the Employee of the Month blog.  If you already knew about Santino, then shame on you for not saying anything to me about how awesome he was.  Enjoy…..

Alright well I’m gonna get going.  I want to apologize for it being such a long time since my last post.  I was working on this post on and off for the last two weeks and when I finally had it done it didn’t save any of my work so I had to start over after I destroyed everything in my room.  I promise I will post again in a few days.  In the meantime…a haiku….

TIM LINCECUM PLEASE!!!
I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!!!
Or else…the COBRA!!!!!

One Love!

SELAH

Day 375: “I don’t pay hookers for sex…I pay them to leave.” – Charlie Sheen

Todays post is brought to you by bat-shit crazy celebrities, and the letter "G".

What up chums? How goes it?  I am sorry I haven’t blogged in a while but I have been really really busy trying to find a job.  I have had a bunch of interviews and have been running around like a mad man (Charlie Sheen).  I have been trying a new interviewing technique where I put the position and company I am applying with in my resume like I am already working there and have been for 3 years.  I think it shows the employer that I am confident in my abilities.  I have yet to get a job but I have a good feeling that my new resume style will pay off big time reeeaaaallll soon!  I suggest all of you guys try it.

Bingo.

So I wanted to get a post in before I hit the road next week.  That’s right, the Employee of the Month is going on a U.S. tour that kicks off next week.  147 cities, 6 months, raping churches, burning women.  I found a part-time/under the table gig that requires me to travel to a bunch of cities all over the country until the end of November.  I won’t get into specifics of the job (dealing drugs) but it is a temporary job until I find something full time and with benefits.  I am really excited about starting though.  My first destination is Phoenix, AZ!!!

Phoenix, AZ!

I love going on road trips, especially to places I have never been before.  I am also a huge dweeb (bringing this word back) and like to research the places I am giong to.  So of course I hit up my local library (wikipedia) the other day and did my homework.  I found out that Phoenix was founded in 1488 by this guy…

Founder of Phoenix, AZ

The city of Phoenix became famous in 1601 when the burrito was invented there.  It also struck gold again in 1602 when the first port-o-potty and the first air freshner were also invented.  Some famous people who call Phoenix, AZ home include Kris Kross,

One of my first cd's ever..."I'm the backwards man, the backwards man! I can walk backwards fast as you can!"

Carrot Top…

What the fuck???

And last but not least, this guy who invented the Shake Weight!

Just 15 minutes a day jerking off a plastic dumbell will get you in the best shape of your life!!!

When a lot of people think of Phoenix, they think of Tovrea Castle.  However a lot of people do not know that Phoenix is also home to the world’s largest ball of pubic hair pulled out of a shower drain…

Located just off Interstate 10!

Anyway, I just wanted to tell all of you guys I will be taking my laptop with me and will be documenting my journeys across this beautiful country.  If any of you guys will be in the Phoenix area next week, feel free to leave me a message which I won’t respond to because I don’t want to go to Arizona to get raped in my B-hole and then have my head chopped off.  But if you do live in the area and recommend any places for me to check out while I am there I would greatly appreciate it.  The same goes for you spammers who still can’t speak good English.  “You want leave message Phoenix balls while laughing.”  That’s more your speak huh? 

Alright well I gotta go and get ready for my interview tomorrow and then for my trip out west next week.  I leave you with a haiku which I am dedicating to the lunatic shell of Rick Vaughn aka Charlie Sheen.  Let me just say that the words that have been coming out of that mans mouth have been gold and I cannot wait to see where Mr. Sheen is in 6 months if he isn’t dead yet.  Keep it up my man!

He’s bat shit crazy,
but he’s also bi-winning.
God Bless you Chuck Sheen!

One Love!

SELAH

Day 354: “Besides getting shot in the back of the head, do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school…and I’m not making that up.”

Yo!  What is up?!?!?!  I got a good post lined up today, let’s get this shit wet.  First off, I wanna wish Abraham Lincoln a happy belated birthday as you can tell by the title of the post.  “Honest Abe’s” birthday was this past Saturday on February 12th, and although I never personally met him, I happen to be very fond of former President Lincoln.  From everything I have learned, we were very much one in the same.  We are both tall.  We are both proud Americans.  We both prefer to use vinegar as deodrant.  We both like our women like our coffee…with no pubic hair.  The fact is that Abraham Lincoln was a revolutionary president who changed the face of this country forever.  Unfortunately his life was cut short when, contrary to the history books, John Wilkes Booth hammered him in the butt soo much, he died. 

Happy belated 738th birthday Mr. Lincoln. Today, we salute you!

Moving on!  So yesterday one of the most popular game shows in the world decided to spice things up a bit when they brought back the two most successful players in history to play a mega computer.  That’s right, Jeopardy made history yesterday pitting 74 game winner Ken Jennings and the highest financial winner in history, Al Borlan Jr. (that’s not really his name but forgot it, I know it’s not Ken Jennings, and the dude kind of looks like Al Borlan), against a $30 million dollar super computer that has been developed by IBM for the past 5 years.  I’ve watched it the past two nights and I must say, it…is….horse shit. 

Here is a picture of all the parties involved in this game show history. You can see Alex Trebek holding up one finger referring to how many things in this picture that have had sex with a female. Mr. Trebek has pounded so much V it makes Charlie Sheen look like a prude.

So this computer, which is named Watson for some dumb ass reason I don’t know of, is ridiculous.  It’s like Google on steroids.  It’s fast, knows every answer, and is scaring the hell out of me.  I’ve seen “I Robot” and “The Matrix”, I know what this means for the rest of human kind.  You can see the frustration on the human contestants faces as this computer constantly buzzes in before they do and says the answer in that retarded robot voice.  Yesterday, it repeated a wrong answer that Ken Jennings already said and the color of “Watson’s” icon changed to yellow.  I laughed out loud and kept calling it a dummy, and then I got scarred thinking it was going to vaporize all of the humans in the audience with it’s death ray because it got an answer wrong.  Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is the show is really stupid.  The computer is dominate against it’s human counterparts and rightfully so.  But like I said before, it’s like watching Alex Trebek use Google.  Seriously, that is exactly what it’s like.  But instead of Alex looking up porno stuff like 95% of the world, he is looking up stupid shit about former European Kings, Before and After, and Literary Characters.  F@$% that noise.  It would be a lot more interesting if Mr. Trebek Googled while he was drunk, just like back in the 70’s…

On tomorrow’s episode, I hear they are gonna have a “Blogs” category.  I wanna see R2D2 get this one right…

"Answer: Started in July of 2009, this blog features Tuesdays with Tuleys, haikus, boner jokes, and the best 'Where are they now' segments on the internet". BOOM!

And last but CERTAINLY not least, I wanna give an epic shout out to my 1,000,000 blog subscriber.  That’s right txagman_2000, you are my one millionth fan and I want to thank you!  You are at the top of a list that includes Lady Gaga, some guy from Vietnam, and Colon Lou (the guy who hooks me up with discount colonoscopy’s).  This is a big milestone for the blog and you burst right through it!  I want you to know I have always been a big fan of College Station and the 12th man….too bad about that bonfire thing though, that sounded like it was a good time.  In honor of your historic subscription to the blog, I am dedicating today’s haiku to you.

College Station pimp,
Dude loves the unemployed blog.
One Love to Aggies!

 One Love….World!

SELAH

Day 334: “On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on’, yellow means ‘go’, and red means ‘where the fuck did you get that banana at?!?!”

Hi.  What’s going on?!?!  I wanted to start today’s post by defending Taco Bell’s recent allegations of not using “real beef” in their delicious mexican product.  First off…everybody stop.  I am sick and tired of hearing all of the critics come out of the wood work and pretend like they are disgusted with Taco Bell’s ingredients.  Show me one person who has never had a late night out drinking and stumbled into a Taco Bell at 3 am and ordered $42 worth of taco’s, burrito’s, nacho’s, cinnatwist etc., and then gone home and eaten every single last bite of it and I will show you a liar.  Show me one person who has never craved mexican fast food so much that instead of going grochery shopping for the week, they go to their nearest Taco Bell and spend $25 ordering all the meals they will need for the next 7 days, and I will show you a tree hugging communist.  Show me a person who has never read one of those inspirational/funny comments they put on their sauce packets to turn their frown upside down, and I will show you a serial killer. 

HAHAHAHA!!! THAT'S THE RADDEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN!!!

Now Taco Bell’s CEO aka the coolest guy in the world, was quick to rebuttle with this statement he posted yesterday on the company’s website.  Now whether or not the allegations are true, I want to just say that people are stupid.  Who really gives a shit about whether Taco Bell’s beef is 100″% USDA or if it is processed oat parts blah blah blah….all I know is that it’s delicious and it always hits the spot.  I read this saying the other day that said “lock your significant other and your dog in the trunk of your car, wait an hour, open your trunk, and see who is happier to see you.”  That is how my relationship with the Bell is, even if it does give me horrific diarrhea.  Taco Bell is my dawg….a-w-g.  It is always there for me when I am feeling down in the dumps, and that is why I will stand behind it until the end.  If you have’t figured out that our entire society and our entire existence is based around a farce, then you are a dummy.  Everything we eat is processed, everything we’re told in commercials is a lie, and everybody is watching out for their own ass and trying to make an extra dollar.  Deal with it.  I mean, if Taco Bell says that their beef is legit, then I believe them and I am good to go!

Sounds good to me!

I want to address another issue that has been plaguing this country lately.  That’s right, pet squirrels that have their pee holes closed up so they can’t urinate.  This used to be  a rare disease in pet squirrels, however the number of squirrels affected has quadrupled in the last 100 years and now approximately every 1,000 years, 10 squirrels will be affected by this condition.  It hit close to home about 20 or 30 years ago as my great uncle found a baby squirrel in his backyard that had it’s pee hole closed.  The squirrel could not pee because it’s little pee hole was closed up and every time he tried to pee he made a terrible sound that sounded like a baby squirrel with its pee hole closed trying to pee.  My uncle felt obligated to take the little guy under his wing.  He named it Mr. Nutty McAcorns, and when I asked my uncle how he finally got Mr. Nutty to pee, he told me he stuck the squirrels “schwanz” (his exact words) into a shot glass full of salt water every night for 20 minutes.  Eventually, Mr. Nutty McAcorns started peeing like every other squirrel in the woods.  My uncle kept Mr. Nutty for 3 months before re-releasing him back into the wild, but he said that not a day goes by that he thinks about that squirrel and his closed up “schwanz” hole.  

Mr. Nutty McAcorns post-schwanz experiment

This would be the perfect time for one of those NBC psa commercials….

....about squirrels pee holes.

Alright, I’m gonna get out.  A haiku….

To the beef haters,
Go fist yourself you vegans.
Schwanz in a shot glass.

One Love!

SELAH

Day 317: “Just to be clear I am not condoning eating your kids…but I sure as heck know why giraffe’s do it!”

What up suckas?  I hope you had a good weekend.  This time of year is really a grind for most people.  The holidays are over, everyone has to come back down to earth, and everyone has to deal with the shitty weather and terrible driving.  This time of year really makes or breaks a lot of people especially myself.  But you just got keep telling yourself that March is only a couple of months away.  Unless of course that dickhead groundhog sees his shadow or doesn’t see his shadow…..I don’t know how it f-ing works.  I am convinced that Groundhog day was created by a guy who was deciding on whether or not to go postal on his co-workers and he was so high on crystal meth that he decided to let his fate be decided by a groundhog that he ran over with his F-150.  That thing was totally dead but he still had a shadow, and I think we all know what happened after that.  A little thing I like to call the American Civil War…..

Boom.

Anyway, I wamted to post today to ask all of you guys a question.  Ok, here’s the deal.  I have been going to the gym with my roommate who has unlimited free guest passes for the past several days.  It’s nice too because we go really early in the morning, like at 5 am which is nice because you can get your workout out of the way for the rest of the day and it really wakes you up for your work day/sitting on the couch.  The gym we go to is pretty nice.  There are a ton of different machines so you don’t ever have to wait for anything.  It’s really nice for me because I am training for a half marathon in May so I can always find a treadmill right away.  This place went one step better though, they have two individual rooms for people who want to run/do the eliptical machines/ride stationary bikes.  The rooms are dark which is sweet and relaxing until you try to push the buttons to start the treadmill and have to squint and you look like a 95 year old person trying to dial the telephone with your face 2 and a half inches from the phone.  
Anyway each room has a giant projection screen television that shows something different.  The one room always has ESPN on and the other room always shows a different movie every day.  Well this morning I was making my way into the ESPN dark room when I noticed that the movie “Charlie St. Cloud” was playing in the movie dark room. 

 That movie is a total chick flick and I think Zac Efron is a pedophile pulling off the greatest con in the history of the world.  I don’t give two shits about that movie!  IMDB gave it 1.7 out of 10 stars and one critic said that he would rather “make love to a moving blender” then watch that movie.  The only good thing about that movie is the lead actress who I have a huge crush on.  Her name is Amanda Crew and I love her!

Amanda Crew = insta-boner

Before I continue I just want to say I think Ms. Crew is beautiful and this is going to sound really weird but I think she has the prettiest mouth in Hollywood and I don’t mean that in like a Deliverance “you have a purrdy mouth” way.  There is just something about the way she looks when she talks and how she smiles that drives me crazy.  Ms. Crew, if you are reading this please don’t think I am crazy….and feel free to invite me over to your place for sex.

So anyway here was my dilemma….do I run on the treadmill in the ESPN room with all of the other dudes, or do I run in front of a 20 foot tall Amanda Crew???  I’ll tell you what I did.  I walked into the Charlie St. Cloud room and started stretching.  The room was full of young women who were all power walking while watching the movie.  I shit you not there was not one man in that room, except for me on the side pretending to stretch while I’m watching gigantic Amanda Crew shine on the stage while that shitbag Zac Efron is trying to steal her thunder.  Every chick in there was giving me the dirtiest look like I wasn’t supposed to be in there, but fuck them!  It’s not everyday you get a chance to work out in front of your crush!  I picked out my treadmill and was waiting to make my move when another young female walked in and took it.  At that point I was screwed.  I instead would have had to run in the middle of a pack of ladies drooling over Zac Efron and I swear to God I was thinking about doing it!  Instead I pretended to stretch my hamstrings for like 5 more minutes that wussed out and went into the ESPN room.  I was so dead set on watching my girl and then I totally shat the bed.  I guess I just thought that all of those women would have thought I was gay and would have asked me to go shopping with them or for relationship advice.  I don’t know, I completely lost it and I have been pretty pissed at myself all day long.  That’s why I want to ask you if it would have been gay if I would have stayed and watched Charlie St. Cloud while I ran….

There is supposed to be a poll above but it’s being dumb so I don’t know if you can see it or not.  That’s all I got for today.  You all come back now ya year.  A haiku….

 

Boners on treadmills,

Not good while around women.

WHY DID I WUSS OUT?!?!?!

 

One Love!

SELAH